CHAPTER THREE
"Am I going crazy? 'Cuz I think you made me."
-From Ashes to New: "Crazy"
He woke to cold air, bluish light and a stiff neck.
It only took him a moment to realize where he was and what had happened. He was still up in the attic, slumped on a sack of straw, a loosely wrapped wool blanket the only thing keeping him from the chill. Outside the window, he could see sunlight beginning to slip over the mountains and he sat bolt upright as he realized how late it had to be.
Thorin wanted to leave before dawn, and it looked as if dawn had already arrived. He scrambled up to his feet, and a glance around the room showed that Gwen and all her belongings were nowhere to be seen. He swore, starting for the door. Had she managed to slip out before the others? Was she gone?
Eyes still bleary and mind spinning from the sudden movement, Kili flew down the ladder, his feet hitting the floorboards moments later. Fili's voice behind him made him jump. "There you are, brother!" Kili turned to see Fili dressed, with his gear already on his back. "Thorin wondered where you were. I had to tell him—" A smirk broke across Fili's face as his eyes flickered between Kili and the ladder. "Oh, I see. That's where you spent last night."
"Not like that," Kili huffed, scrubbing a hand over his eyes. "I couldn't sleep with Balin's bloody snoring."
Fili shrugged. "That's fair. I don't think I got more than two hours of sleep. But you best get ready quick. Thorin's already raring to go."
Kili nodded, fighting back a yawn, but stopped Fili before he could head out into the common room. "Wait. Is Gwen—"
"Out with the others," Fili explained, not needing to hear all of the question. "Don't worry," he said with a smile that strangely comforting. "You'll get the chance to say goodbye."
Kili's gut dropped hard. Right. Goodbye. He would still have to do that, wouldn't he? "Aye, thanks," he said, hiding his suddenly fouled mood with a tight smile.
Fili clapped his shoulder as Kili passed into the room to ready himself for the journey.
The common room was buzzing with conversation and ready-making as Kili slipped in. Despite being slightly out of breath from the hurry, he was glad to see that his tardiness hadn't been noticed by the group. He went to sit across from Fili and Gwen, still working at the buttons of his coat.
"Well, good morning, sunshine," Fili said, smirking knowingly.
Kili kicked him under the table. "Shut it."
Fili winced, and then whistled as he rubbed at his bruised shin. "Someone woke up on the wrong side of the attic."
The jibe at least made Fili laugh. Gwen just drily commented, "You're a child."
Before Fili could protest, Balin stepped up to the end of the table, placing down a long piece of worn paper, covered in tightly-packed black scrawling. "Here you are, m'lady. It's rough and not as comprehensive as I'd like—"
Before he could finish his sentence, Gwen had swiped the scribe out of his hand and scribbled something on the one blank space at the bottom of the page. Her characters were unrecognizable to Kili, at least at the angle he was seeing it. They were harsh and wide, and Kili suspected Rhunish. But more notable was that she was signing…well, it looked to be a contract.
"Aren't you going to read it first?" Balin protested, though he sounded surprised, not accusatory.
"Does it only contain the parameters we discussed?"
"Well, yes, of course."
Balin may have continued, but it seemed that was all Gwen needed to hear. "I trust you, then."
There was a clarity and confidence in her tone that seemed to put Balin's mind at ease. His eyes chased over the length of the paperwork, before he nodded, folding it up under his arm and holding out a hand to be shaken. "All seems to be in order. Welcome to the company, m'lady."
Gwen gave him a reserved smile, shaking his hand, and Balin seemed satisfied as he went back to Thorin and his pack. Kili wasn't entirely sure what he was seeing and merely blinked for a moment before turning to Fili who was trying to look inconspicuous. "You knew about this?"
"Watched her talk to Thorin about it," Fili replied, more than slightly smug. "There was shouting."
"That's an exaggeration," Gwen protested, rubbing her hands together for warmth, even through her gloves. "It was just a discussion between two strong-minded individuals."
"Strong-minded? You're both stubborn arses."
"You knew about this, you bastard?" Kili accused. "And you didn't tell me earlier?"
Fili shrugged, trying his best to look innocent although Kili could see the mischief glittering in his pale blue eyes. He was terrible at being mischevious. "It didn't come up."
"Oh, shove off with your 'chance to say goodbye' nonsense," Kili growled, although there was no true ire in it. He was glad that Gwen was joining them, obviously. He was just a tad miffed that his brother had thought it necessary to cause trouble this early in the morning.
Fili finally let a snicker slip free. "You can't be angry, Kee."
"Don't try me," Kili warned.
"Oi, Fili!"
The blonde dwarf responded to Dwalin's call and nodded to Gwen and Kili before leaving them to see what the other dwarf needed. "So," Kili started, allowing himself to smile at the thought he had. "Part of the company, aye?"
"Don't get too excited, Master Dwarf," Gwen sighed. "Only until we've reached the foothills of the Misty Mountains. It was agreed that my knowledge of the area could prove useful to your company, and your company could provide an ample guarantee of safety to me." She spoke stiffly, and Kili could see by her glance in Thorin's direction that this agreement hadn't been easy to come by.
Kili nodded, but felt a slight shadow flag his contentment. "Why didn't you wake me?"
"You were asleep," she answered as if this were the most obvious answer in the world.
"Aye," Kili said, making an effort not to sound too exasperated with her. "You could have woken me though. I could have helped."
Gwen shrugged. "Seems I didn't need help."
For a reason that Kili wasn't sure of, those words made his gut ache a little. "I suppose."
Thorin stood up at the front of the room by the door, and Kili groaned as he called them to depart. His pack made his shoulders ache the second he slung it on, and his feet were already tired. He wished that he could have slept better in their place of respite but the chance to complain about that was long past.
"Hurry up," Thorin urged them, as they began filing towards the door, all somewhat sobered by the thought of travel. "We haven't time to waste," Thorin almost growled and Kili felt the searing heat of his frustrated gaze burn past him to land on Gwen. He cringed. Having Thorin's ill opinion aimed at you was never enjoyable.
Kili fell into step next to Gwen, who had her head down. He elbowed her, smiling sympathetically. "Shouting, was it?"
"Shove it," Gwen huffed, a flush instantly welling up on her face as she looked down at him. "It wasn't shouting. Thorin raised his tone a bit and I just matched it."
Fili butted in between them as they stepped through the door out onto the road again. The snow was already starting to melt, and the air was feeling warmer than it had before. Though the light of the sun was dim then, he'd be squinting once it was out. The sky was cloudless and the sun reflecting off the snow would be blindingly bright, he was sure. "It was shouting," Fili mock whispered.
"Leave it alone," Gwen said sharply, her voice bordering dangerously on pleading. "It wasn't."
"And she says we're childish," Fili snickered as they fell into step, three across, following Dori and Ori up the slightly hollowed out dent of the trail.
"That's because you are," she grumbled.
"Oh, we're older than you, by far," Kili shot back.
"You don't know that," she protested.
"Oh really?" Kili snorted. "Love, I know I don't look it, but I'm seventy-eight." Well. He would be in the winter, but she didn't need to know that. It was close enough.
"And I'm eighty-two," Fili added. "You can't be more than…" Fili appraised her with his eyes. "What, twenty, thirty?"
"No," she protested, although Kili noted, curiously, her eyes widening in panic slightly.
"What, then?" Fili prodded. "Thirty-one?"
Before Gwen could reply, the familiar sound of Balin clicking at them in admonishment came from behind. "You dwarflings should know, it's rude to ask a woman's age."
"It is?" Kili asked, frowning. He couldn't remember his mum every getting too offended by people asking questions like that.
"In human cultures, yes," Balin sighed, his tone laced with disappointment, but not entirely serious. "I taught you boys this. Hasn't anything I've said to you stuck between those ears of yours?"
"Some of it," Kili protested. "Like…four things."
"Humans are odd," Fili grumbled, with a playful glare at Gwen who bumped him with her shoulder, before trotting forward to join Bilbo.
The day of marching was long, and Kili's feet ached, although his spirits remained high. It seemed all of them had gotten a boost of energy from their tidbit of rest, and all it took was a few rousing mentions of the final goal of their quest and they were singing and chatting the whole day.
Gwen had looked uncomfortable at first, traveling with the raucous group, but had grown slightly more comfortable by the end of the day, even joining in their conversations. While she kept vigilant, her eyes darting all around them every few seconds, and she preferred to keep herself on the tail end of the company, she managed to hide her worries well. Kili saw little danger around them.
In the sunlight, the mountains held more sheer beauty than the fear they'd had at night. The rock often slanted up beyond sight on either side of them or fell away in long plains of gray, layered stone. Occasionally the cliffs would break and they would find themselves crossing over great mountain peaks, with sheer canyon drops on one or both sides of them. The scale of it all was staggering, and Kili would be lying if he said it didn't feel beautiful to have all of this naturally powerful, immovable stone around him. He understood perfectly well why his people would choose this range of peaks to carve their greatest work of art, Moria.
The weather stayed on their side that day. The skies were a piercing clear blue, and the air was crisp and cool, though warm enough in the sunlight for them to take off their coats only a few hours into the journey. The sun had rendered most of the snow to slush, which would have made their walking easier if it hadn't turned the path into a soup of gravel and mud.
An hour or two after their short midday rest, Kili heard a noise to his left, off the trail.
The ground sloped away from the path for a few hundred yards, scattered with boulders, shards of silver rock, and whatever scrubby brambles managed to survive these harsh conditions, but Kili could have sworn he heard a rustle in the brush. He paused, holding his breath to listen, trying to block out the sound of Bilbo's 'wild' tea story. He was at the tail of the pack, so none noticed his halt except Gwen. She paused too, and would have spoken, had Kili not held up a hand to silence her. His eyes narrowed in on a set of tracks broken through the dusting of snow clinging to the ground still. He crept forward as silently as possible, bidding his footsteps not to crunch as he drew his bow and nocked an arrow. If his guess was correct, they would have rabbit for supper.
Kili narrowed in on one bush that twitched slightly even when the wind had stopped blowing.
There it was.
He held his breath, waiting for his comrades to move on enough that his prey would get lazy. What felt like ten minutes passed, plenty of time for Kili to draw and aim before the creatures made their move. Just as soon as a tiny nose poked its way from the branches, Kili's arrow was whistling through the air, hitting its mark, directly in the rabbit's neck, before it could react.
Its companions reacted though.
Kili barely had time to nock another arrow before two more rabbits, smallish but surprisingly plump whipped out of the brush in a frenzy of panic. He reacted on instinct and managed to sink an arrow into one's throat. He wasn't so lucky with the second though, as he missed by a few inches, hitting too far ahead of it.
The creature wheeled about in surprise, changing directions and Kili nocked another arrow when a flash of silver caught the corner of his eyes along with the bright scraping sound of metal on metal. To his surprise, when he turned, Gwen was already cleaning the blood off her sword with a cloth, a dead rabbit at her toes.
She had cleaved half through its neck, it seemed, with a blade that had been hanging at her hip before. The weapon was a pretty thing, Kili had to admit. Short enough to be quick, but curved and graceful in shape. It glinted bright silver in the sunlight, and Kili decided he would have to ask for a look at it later, even as she sheathed it back at her hip.
"Nicely done," Kili told her with a grin.
She seemed less excited by their teamwork. "I don't like blood."
"You?" Kili chuckled. "The brave and mighty Gwen? Afraid of a bit of rabbit blood?" He jogged the few feet to his fallen prey, removing the arrow carefully, gathering the animals up by their back feet.
"I didn't say I was afraid of it, I said I didn't like it," Gwen said watching him warily. He noted that she didn't pick up her kill, instead, just waiting for him to come around to it.
"Same thing, isn't it?" Kili asked as he hunched down to pick up the third rabbit. They weren't the finest creatures Kili had seen, but it was better than nothing, and fresh meat had not been easy to come by.
"No, it's not."
"Well," Kili said, looking up the path for the party. They had gone far enough to almost be out of eyeshot, over the next hill. "You can explain it to me as we play catch-up with the others."
Kili didn't quite understand why Gwen looked so panicked to be placed on dinner duty with Bombur until they heard shouting upon returning to camp. They set down their large armfuls of firewood, and it was only a moment until Gwen joined them, her head hung in defeat. Kili resisted the urge to gape in shock. "Did you just get kicked off of dinner duty?"
"Mahal, this is unprecedented," Fili marveled as he sat down to break sticks into kindling. "I don't know if I've ever seen this happen."
"Aye, you can shut up about it now," Gwen grumbled, sitting down next to Fili and reaching out for a handful of dry twigs to crumble.
"He usually just has his helper cutting potatoes," Kili remarked, sitting down, taking his flint and a steel blade from his pocket.
"That was the problem," Gwen sighed.
Fili snorted. "You're that terrible?"
"My mother tried to teach me to cook," Gwen huffed, placing her pile of kindling in the center of the fire ring they'd made up. "It never ended well. We always fought. And then, when I started cooking for myself, I didn't mind if I burnt everything and never put in enough salt and always made everything too spicy. Food's supposed to be spicy back home."
"Do you go home often?" Fili asked, sitting back as Kili set about sparking up a fire.
The peace of nostalgia that had washed over her face was replaced by a thinly veiled frown. "Not in—" she stopped herself, taking in a breath. "It's been a bit."
"Why?" Kili asked as a spark took, a tiny burst of orange light illuminating the chill air.
He loaded smaller twigs on, which were quickly consumed by the starving lick of flame. Fili began adding some larger sticks, and by the time Gwen started speaking, there was light to read her face by. She had drawn up a fake smile, but Kili could see something odd behind the brown, firelit shade of her gaze. "It's…gets to be a point when you've been away for a while where it's not easy to come back, aye?"
Kili wanted desperately to question her further, but Bombur was on them, shooing the lot of them away from the fire with the demand that they fetch more fuel. Kili groaned internally. It had taken them practically an hour just to get what they already had. It wasn't as if they were in the forest. "I'll help," Gwen said, standing with them. Kili never got around to asking her what she meant.
The evening turned to being chilly as the sun slanted almost out of view, casting its last amber rays across the stone. They had their dinner by the light of the small, but fierce fire. Kili's rabbits had cooked well, and he'd gotten many thanks on his catch. Fresh meat was never going to be taken for granted on a long journey.
Gwen had chosen not to sit with Kili, Fili, and Dwalin, instead placing herself next to Ori. Kili was glad to see that they seemed to get along well. Gwen was smiling, and Ori's voice had gotten stronger and less afraid as dinner progressed. Kili hadn't the faintest clue what they were talking about, but their conversation was interrupted as Dori finished doling out food and brushed Gwen out of his spot next to Ori.
She looked a bit miffed as she stood but followed Kili's beckon, picking her way around the outside of the circle of dwarves. Fili slid over closer to Oin on his far side, and Kili smushed closer to Dwalin, giving Gwen room on the flat rock they had cleared. "Thanks," she mumbled as she sat.
Kili noticed Dwalin shoot her a bit of a sidelong look of annoyance around a mouthful of stew, and elbowed the dwarf. "Play nice," he hissed.
It was lucky Dwalin had helped raise him from babehood because although he bristled, he didn't hurt Kili as he expected he would have done with another dwarf.
"Seemed you were enjoying yourself," Fili said, nudging Gwen.
She shrugged, cradling the bowl of soup she'd brought with her between her crossed knees. "It was nice to speak to an intellectual for once."
"Oi," Kili protested. "Just because I'm pretty doesn't mean you can overlook my brains."
"So shallow," Fili admonished. "We're not just gorgeous faces and beautiful bodies."
"I believe I need not argue further," Gwen said drily, taking a bite of stew.
"Rude," Fili grumbled, leaning over to bump his shoulder into hers.
Gwen yelped as her bowl sloshed out onto her right sleeve at the sudden movement. "That's hot."
Fili cringed and pulled the bowl out of her hands. "Sorry, Gwen."
"It's alright," she hissed, shaking out her sleeve. "I didn't need that section of skin anyway."
"I'm sure you're barely scalded," Kili scoffed, although he kept an eye out to make sure her injuries weren't actually dire. "No need to be dramatic."
She shot him a glare, squeezing the broth out of her sleeve. "You're a bloody hypocrite, Master Dwarf, you know that?" She rolled up her sleeve, and Kili's eye caught onto thick black marks that swirled and slashed up under her sleeve, starting an inch away from her hand. Right, tattoos. He had been meaning to ask about those.
Fili beat him to the chase, setting down the two bowls he was holding to catch her arm. "What's this?" She tried to pull her hand back, but Fili held firm, drawing up her sleeve to the elbow, where the marks only grew thicker.
They weren't any discernable patterns to Kili's eye. Some of it looped like the eddies of a stream, with thin, swirling lines, flowing out into thicker bands, carving their way up her flesh. In places, sharp, bold lines cut through, leaving harsh angles and unfamiliar shapes. Gwen pulled her arm from Fili's grasp. "Just tattoos, no need to gawk."
It wasn't unusual for dwarves to ink themselves. Dwalin, next to him, was a prime example of just this, however, her tattoos were only black, it seemed, no color or discernable words or figures. Just lines. He couldn't help but be fascinated. "What does it mean?"
"Nothing, technically. They're just lines. All of my family and friends had them. Different, for each one of us," Gwen said, keeping her forearm in her lap, though she left her sleeve rolled up, and her markings on display. "It's odd to see someone completely unmarked and unpierced."
"Pierced?" Fili repeated.
"Nose, brows, lips, tongue, cheeks," Gwen explained, shrugging. "There's not much to do out there with all that sand. You tend to sit about wondering what you can get away with putting needles in. Back when I was much less wise, I had two pins clean through my eyebrow."
"Really?" Kili said incredulously. Piercings weren't unheard of, but he'd only ever seen them in ears.
"Why would I lie?" she asked, looking at the both of them incredulously.
"I'm sorry, I'm just struggling to wrap my mind around this," Fili explained, holding his head, as if deep in a troubling thought. "Why would you pierce your brow?"
"It was fashionable," Gwen protested, her hand rising up to feel her forehead, where Kili assumed the offending jewelry had once been. "Well, I thought it would be, at least."
"Let me see," Kili insisted, reaching up to pull her wrist away from her face and peer closer. The dim light made it difficult to see, but indeed, after a moment he noticed four indents surrounding the tail of her brow. "Oh."
"Now I get to see," Fili insisted.
"I'm not a bloody freak show," Gwen bit out.
"Please—"
"Valar, don't you start begging," Gwen groaned, hearing the pleading in Fili's tone. She turned from Kili, giving Fili a good look at her brow.
"Hm," Fili mused. "I see it. I just still don't understand it. It can't have looked good in the least bit."
While Gwen protested that claim, Kili turned to see Dwalin side-eying her wrist, his interest piqued. It only took a moment for him to reach over Gwen, and grab her arm, pulling it over him to Dwalin. "Would you like a closer look?"
Gwen let out a strangled shout as she half fell into him. "Dammit, Kili."
He ignored the way that for a moment, she was half laying in his lap, warm and distinctly female, and no. He would not go down that road. Not at dinner with Dwalin and Fili. She did smell all soft and un-dwarflike though…
Dwalin appraised her exposed tattoo with unmoved eyes and then shrugged. "Not bad."
Gwen glared at Kili as she straightened up, though she left her wrist on Kili's knee for Dwalin to still see. "I told you I'm not a freak show."
"But Dwalin has tattoos too," Kili defended himself. While he realized now that perhaps his actions were not overly wise or polite, his logic seemed pretty flawless to him in the moment.
"Aye, I noticed that," she grumbled.
Dwalin spoke, his eyes still studying the work on her arm. "Your ink's fading."
Gwen was noticeably offended at that comment, and pulled her arm back, yanking down her wet sleeve. "That's a natural thing."
Dwalin scoffed slightly. "It shouldn't be happening this early. Either those are getting quite old, or that's poor quality ink."
Gwen blushed a tiny bit at this accusation. "Well, I'm sorry, it was the only ink I could get ahold of."
"Remind me not to go to an Easterling for a tattoo."
"Remind me not to go to a dwarf for the appreciation of sentimental body modiffications," Gwen bit back, her embarrassment turning to irritation.
Dwalin made a low, grumbling sound that Kili identified as something similar to a chuckle, before he stood, taking his soup with him, to sit with Thorin and Balin. Kili turned to Gwen with a grin. "I don't think he hates you. That was almost a laugh."
"I'm so grateful for the vote of confidence, Master Dwarf," she drawled.
Fili handed her bowl back. "I don't know. I don't think he hated you too much before this. He at least tolerates you now."
"That didn't make it any better," Gwen grumbled, digging back into her food. If Kili hadn't known any better, he would have sworn that she was pouting.
He placed a hand on her shoulder, allowing himself to grow a little more genuine. "Don't worry, love. The others like you." She raised a brow, chewing on her mouthful of food. "Honestly," he added.
Gwen chuckled, stirring her soup, leaving her eyes cast down. "That's lovely. Master Dwarf, but I really don't care about that."
"It's true, though," Fili argued. "You saved Bilbo's life, Bofur told me that he likes drinking with you, Nori hasn't really said either way, but that's not necessarily a bad thing—"
"Ori certainly seems to like you," Kili offered. "Balin was nothing but cordial, Thorin didn't banish you from our presence, and Dwalin seems to be warming up a bit already!"
"All things considered, you are on the way to becoming a regular old spoon in the silverware drawer," Fili said with a grin.
"Shove it," Gwen said, still not meeting their eyes as she set down her empty bowl.
Kili didn't relent, nudging her with his elbow. "And Fili and I don't mind you, I suppose."
"Stop," Gwen said, and Kili was sobered by the seriousness of her tone. All joking was gone. What had he said wrong?
"We were just teasing, love," Fili said, his smile fading quickly.
"Aye." Her voice was tight, but she looked up at them, a fake half-smile on her lips. Kili could see something tossing behind her eyes. "It's nice of you to say." She cleared her throat, her eyes darting to the side. "I'm feeling warm all of the sudden," she said, beginning to get up from their spot. "I'm going to step away for a moment."
Kili set his bowl down, getting up after her. "I'll—"
"Alone," Gwen said firmly, causing Kili to pause in his tracks. "Just—" she flashed another fake smile as she stood, as if she was trying to put them at ease. "I need a moment. I'll be right back."
She was already turned around as Fili called after her. "Don't go far."
Gwen raised a hand to show that she had heard, but continued into the darkness, tense and hurried. Kili let out a breath and looked down at his bowl, his appetite killed. "That was odd," Fili said as he turned back around to the fire.
"I wonder what we said," Kili mused, as a knot of something like guilt formed in his stomach.
"Don't know," Fili said, "But I wish that she hadn't left."
Kili looked up to see Fili eyeing Thorin, a bit nervously. Their uncle's eyes were sharply trained in the direction Gwen had gone, and Kili cringed. "She's good at making herself look suspicious," he noted.
"It seems to be a talent of hers," Fili quipped, although the darkness hadn't totally left his eyes.
Kili chuckled, trying to squash down the nervous voices in his head. She probably had just gotten a bit overheated. Why would she lie?
As a quarter hour drew out into a half and then into two full hours, Kili only felt worse. He kept himself busy as best he could, with storytelling and food, and then setting up camp fully, getting out bedrolls, washing his face and hands, even combing his hair, but as the dwarves settled down for sleep, he turned to Fili, his tone low, but direct. "She hasn't come back yet."
"I was about to say the same thing," Fili said wryly. "It's cold out there."
That was the truth. The temperature has dropped with the sun, and since the fire was no more than smoldering embers, the air was breezy and bone-bitingly cold. Gwen could be lost, or injured or—
"She's probably fine," Fili said, and Kili realized he'd been reading the worry right off his face. Mahal, sometimes he was glad he had a brother who knew him so well. "But we should still go look for her." Again, Fili had pulled the words off of Kili's lips.
Kili nodded, and stood, picking up his coat with him. He put it on as he and Fili approached Nori and Bifur, who had been given the first watch of that evening. "Going out to fetch Gwen," Kili told them with the best carefree smile he could muster.
"Where's she gone?" Nori asked, raising a long brow.
Fili answered for him. "On a walk. We want to make sure she didn't fall asleep. She's a daft thing, sometimes," he added, chuckling.
Nori nodded, while Bifur merely grumbled at them in Kuzdhul. With this blessing, they were off in the direction Gwen had left. The air was chill and silent between them, save the crunch of their feet on gravel. They arrived at the road after only a few moments, and they both stopped, gazing up either direction of the path. Kili crouched down, inspecting the ground for tracks. The darkness was thick, and the path was nothing more than stone and hard packed dirt. Not a trace. Kili swore softly as he stood. "Don't know which way she went."
Fili nodded. "Split up?"
Kili didn't like the idea, but it seemed necessary. "Only go half a mile, then turn back?" Kili offered.
"Alright," Fili agreed, though his voice was grim. "Try and be back within the hour aye? I don't want to have to come out looking for your sorry arse."
Kili smiled tersely, resting his hand on the pommel of his sword, sheathed at his hip. "Same goes for you."
They split ways without any more ceremony, and Kili tried to tell himself that the night didn't scare him. It didn't, truly. It was a shallow fear. Childlike. But Mahal, it was terribly dark, and he could still hear the howls of the wolves in his memories. These mountains were wild and strange and every sound or sudden movement seemed to startle him. Fili's distant footsteps beating on the path were a slight comfort to him until they faded from earshot. Then he was left with the sound of his own pulse, and the wind moaning through the mountain peaks above.
He had chosen the course in the direction the company hadn't gone yet and regretted it to a degree. After a few minutes, he found himself perched on a steep cliff ledge, with a gravelly hill, impossible to climb on one side of him, and a sheer drop on the other side. There was little place for Gwen to have gone, so there wasn't much for him to search. He continued for what felt like half a mile, and then another quarter for good measure. There were a few patches of walkable land, but Kili combed through each those twice, and there was no sign of Gwen. He called her name as loudly as he dared, but his voice only echoed back to him across the empty space. She wasn't there.
Alone. He was entirely alone.
He didn't like that thought.
Kili didn't let his mind stray to darker thoughts, and instead turned, praying to anyone who was listening that Fili had better luck than him.
Whether it was on purpose or not, he made it back to their starting point in half the time he'd taken on the way out, and with no sign of Fili there, he had little choice but to start down Fili's path. He didn't call out much as he walked, just listened for Fili's footsteps. Kili usually travelled faster than his brother, so he was hoping that he would catch up with him soon. Perhaps if they were together, they could search a distance further down the path. He wouldn't put it past Gwen to go two miles or more in order to find some peace and quiet.
Though he'd never dare admit it out loud, Kili was nervous. He was nervous for his brother and for his friend, and he hated it. He hated not knowing, and not being able to do much to change that. He didn't like being alone.
It was ten or twenty minutes, but at last, Kili caught wind of his brother's voice, calling for Gwen. He quickened his pace to a jog, and the sound only grew louder. Kili was beginning to let himself get hopeful when his brother's voice cut out. His heart dropped hard. Had something happened? Did he fall? No, that would make more noise…He slowed his run to a trot, hardly daring to breathe as he listened with all his might. He wished he had brought his bow. He was plenty proficient with a sword, of course, but if there was something out there, he'd rather not have it get close enough for him to need a sword.
Kili froze as he heard voices drift through the air ahead of him, and to his left. A small grove of trees had grown there, granted protection from the ruinous wind by a tight circle of high, stony walls. The underbrush was thin, but Kili was careful not to trip on it in the darkness as he crept forward. The voices cleared up until Kili determined that it was Gwen and Fili. "It's late," he heard Fili say, but was unable to make out Gwen's reply. He sighed at whatever it was, and Kili tiptoed a few steps closer and then paused.
Did he want to be heard and seen? Did he want them to know he was there?
Something made him drop to a knee behind a tree, peeking towards them from behind it. It couldn't hurt to listen a bit, aye? It was dark, but Kili could see that they were sat up against something. A log or a rock? Gwen was hugging her knees to her chest.
"What's wrong?" Fili asked, quite simply.
"Nothing," Gwen replied as easy as breathing. She almost sounded as if she was being honest.
"Come on. I may play the fool, but I'm not really one." He was genuine but pressing hard. "What happened?"
"Nothing happened," she started. Fili tried to protest, but she didn't let him. "And nothing's wrong."
"I'm sorry, Gwen, but that's just not true." There was a long pause before it seemed clear that Gwen wasn't going to speak. "You're a stubborn pain in the beard, you know that?"
"Oi—"
"Thorin's the same way."
Gwen groaned. "Don't compare me to him."
"It's a fair comparison," Fili insisted. "You both refuse to admit when something's gone screwy, and it's such a bother prying out what it is."
"If it's such a bother, then stop," Gwen said quickly, her tone cold.
"Mahal, woman, that's not what I meant," Fili sighed, obviously exasperated. "I just meant to say that I have experience getting someone just as stubborn as you to talk, so you aren't going to outlast me."
There was another long pause, this time broken by Gwen. "Master Dwarf, it's late—"
"Don't Master Dwarf me," Fili told her sternly. "You know my name."
"Fili, then," Gwen began, frustrated. "It's late, and you should go back."
"Are you going back?"
"Not yet."
"Then neither am I."
Gwen let out a frustrated growl. "Would you just give up already?"
"No. Not until you tell me what's wrong."
"There's nothing wrong!" she snapped, her patience wearing thin.
Fili was persistent. "Bloody hell, Gwen, I know that's not true."
"It is true!"
"Shouting isn't going to make you more right, you know."
Gwen seemed beyond the point of caring. "Would you just shut it? Leave me alone. Stop—" she seemed to realize she'd lost her temper, but when her voice came back down, it sounded hollow. "Just…Stop.
"What do you mean?" Fili asked, his tone growing gentle as her outburst faded.
"Stop…caring so much. I don't get it." She sounded utterly defeated. "Am I losing my mind?"
"What?"
"Have I gone mad?"
"Gwen—"
"I've been-alone." Her words were jilted and unsteady as if they were being said faster than she was thinking them. "I mean, not always, but I've been alone for so long—and happy, too, don't think of it like…Valar, what am I even doing? What am I doing with all of you?"
"Traveling?" Fili offered, sounding unsure.
"Shove it," she laughed, her voice muffled, as if her head was in her hands. "Just shove off, Fili."
"I won't."
"You're—you're such a bloody bother, you know that?"
Kili had to admit, he was impressed with his brother's patience. However, the raw emotion in Gwen's voice was doing something odd to his stomach.
"Oh, I know," Fili chuckled. "But…It's not like you're stuck with us, you know? It won't be long at all until you're rid of us entirely."
"I know that," she huffed. "And that's…that's not the problem, aye?"
"Then what is?" Fili urged, gently.
"What are you?" Gwen asked drily. "Some kind of mind doctor? Trying to fix all the deep-rooted problems I've got?"
"Gwen—"
"I don't want to not be stuck with you," she blurted out, sounding more vulnerable than ever.
Vulnerable. Kili didn't think he had ever gotten to use that word to describe her before. It made him feel a bit sick.
"Oh. Gwen—"
"Or, I won't want to," she hurried to explain. "It's not like I've gotten fond, it's just…I don't want to get used to it. I've…I've done this before, Fili. Gone and gotten all comfortable and attached, and then had reality come back in. I feel like…I feel like I've set myself up to lose something, and honestly, I don't know why I did it."
Fili seemed at a loss for words for a moment. "Well…Mahal, Gwen."
"I made a mistake," she said almost too softly for Kili to hear.
"That's where I disagree," Fili said, gaining back a little confidence. "You don't seem like the mistake making type."
She laughed bitterly. "Then you're not a very good judge of character, Master Dwarf."
"Fili," he corrected her. "I am, though. You'd be surprised at my perceptiveness. But…You can't read the future, aye? And being happy with where you are now won't necessarily ruin you for later, even if saying goodbye isn't easy."
She made a grunt that was somewhere between dismissal and agreement.
"Now," Fili said, a bit of lightness infecting his voice. "That wasn't so hard to talk about, now was it?"
"Don't see what good it did," she shot back.
"It may do more than you think," Fili assured her. "Now are you ready to go back and get some rest?"
"I want to stay out a bit longer."
There was a pause before Fili spoke cautiously. "You promise you'll come back soon?"
"Aye."
"Really?" he pressed.
"I said, yes," Gwen repeated.
"I'm trusting you," Fili told her as his voice began to retreat.
Kili jumped slightly as he realized that his cover would soon be gone. He backed out as quickly as he could without being heard, only stopping a few feet down the path. It wouldn't hurt for Fili to know he was there once he was out of the trees. He had missed the tail end of their talk but had heard enough. Kili tried to tell himself he was just glad that Gwen had turned out alright, but there was something cold and unhappy wrapping a tight fist around his insides. Mahal below, what was wrong with him?
"Kili?" His brother's voice startled him into turning. Fili looked quite surprised to see him. "What are you—Gwen's—"
"I know," slipped out of Kili's lips before he could think.
"What do—" Fili started before realization dawned over his face. He quickly took control of his features and started back down the path towards camp. "She's staying out for a bit. Although I guess you heard that."
Kili walked after him. "Aye."
"Why did you hide?" Fili asked, sounding genuinely curious.
While it wasn't an accusation, Kili couldn't help but feel like a part of it was. "I don't know. Didn't want to startle you two I guess. Easier just to eavesdrop." He shrugged. "You did well talking to her."
"She's stubborn."
"Don't I know it?" Kili chuckled, though that bitter feeling was still tight in him. "You got her talking more than I would have."
"Are you jealous?" Fili asked incredulously, stopping suddenly and turning back to face him.
Kili felt heat rise up onto his cheeks against his bidding. "What? No!"
"You're blushing!" Fili pointed out, smirking. "You are!"
"Sweet Durin, Fili, I didn't say that."
Fili shrugged. "You didn't have to. Although you shouldn't worry. You can have her. She's far too much work and has far too little hair for my tastes."
Kili was trying as hard as he could to keep from sputtering. "I don't want her though."
"But you do."
"Where are you getting these ideas from?" Kili asked, starting walking again. It felt a bit like his head was spinning. Had Fili lost it?
"The way you look at her. She fascinates you. There's the same look in your eyes that you got when Thorin was first teaching you how to track. Or when you first learned to shoot."
Kili had to turn, as it seemed Fili wasn't following him. "Really?" he asked, in genuine disbelief.
Fili nodded, looking a little too smug for Kili's taste. "It's clear as day. You've got your mind set that you're going to make her like you."
Bloody Mahal he hated how well his brother knew him sometimes. "I just want her to decide that I'm her friend. It doesn't mean I want her like that, you nosy bastard."
"It does mean you don't like me talking to her though," Fili said, grinning.
Kili frowned as he was reminded of that feeling in his chest. "I don't think that's it."
Fili's knowing smile faltered. "Honestly?"
"Aye." Kili raked his fingers through his hair. Despite the cold, he was sweating a bit. He really was tired.
"What is it, then?" Fili asked, stepping closer.
"I don't know," Kili admitted. "It's…she won't let me help her."
"Oh."
"I want to help her. I would—I will. She just…she won't let me." He met Fili's eyes as he felt that knot in his gut throb a little. Yes. This seemed to be the problem plaguing him. "Why won't she let me help?"
"I…don't know, honestly," Fili admitted with a sigh. He started walking again, glancing back to make sure Kili was following him. He was. "She reminds me of Thorin a bit, in that respect. And with him, I figure that he went so long with no one wanting to help that he decided he doesn't need help anymore. Of course, I can't be certain that's how Gwen got that way, but I have my suspicions."
"That's daft."
"It is," Fili agreed. "But, there's something in there, where she's…she's gotten locked up. There's a line she won't let me cross. She's not telling me everything."
"Why?" Kili asked. He knew there was no chance his brother had an answer but he was too exhausted to censor his mind.
"She's scared," Fili replied with confidence, to Kili's surprise. "That's it, mostly. I think she's just scared."
"How do I make stop that, then?"
Fili stopped, turning back. There was something akin to guilt in his posture and voice. "I don't know. I just don't know, Kili."
Kili's eyes widened. "By Durin, Fili, don't feel bad—"
"I do, and I will," Fili said, his voice gravelly with fatigue and emotion. "I…I want to be able to help. You and her. To give you the answers. I want—"
"That's not your job," Kili sighed, laying a heavy hand on Fili's shoulder. He'd seen this kind of upset in his brother before. He loved to help people. He thrived off it. And the thing he hated most was being unable to do that. It was a stupidly admirable quality. "I can't expect you to have the answers. I know you don't. And that's alright."
Fili sucked in a deep, fortifying breath. "Aye. You're right, Kee."
"I am," Kili said, giving his brother an honest smile, even through the haze of exhaustion.
Kili's hand fell away as Fili lead them into walking again. "I think you could figure it out better than I could."
"Hm?"
"How to help her," Fili explained. "I think you'll work it out."
"Well," Kili said, recalling reality. "A handful of days isn't long to work it out, but if you say so, brother."
Fili shrugged. "A lot can happen in a few days." There was a long pause where the only sound was footsteps and wind before Fili laughed. "I'm tired."
Kili couldn't hold in his own responding laugh. It came from somewhere between absurdity, exhaustion, and relief. "Aye. Me too."
He had fallen asleep the moment he crawled into his bedroll but wasn't in so deep a sleep that he didn't wake when Gwen returned. She moved silently in the vague moonlight, getting out her blankets, unpinning her hair from its low bun and rewrapping it loosely. She set up only a yard or two away, so she saw Kili's gaze on her as she wrapped herself in a blanket. She didn't startle, just blinked, and smiled almost apologetically. She couldn't meet his eyes. Kili broke the silence. "Goodnight."
She looked almost surprised he didn't say more, but murmured back "G'night."
Kili rolled over to fall back asleep, content. He didn't have any idea how, but he would figure her out. He had to.
Hello! Thanks for the read, and for the reviews/favs/follows on the last chapter. You all are the reason I keep writing. Don't forget to review. Your contributions help me keep this story the way you want it to be. Plus, they kind of make my day, so let me know what you think! If you haven't read the story before, do you have any ideas as to what secrety secrets I'm hiding away right now? Thanks again for reading, and I'll catch you on the flipside! (The flipside being Sunday, of course)
