CHAPTER NINE
"It's strange what desire can make foolish people do."
-Theory of a Deadman: "Wicked Game"
They had all eaten themselves sick quite happily once Thorin announced that they would be leaving the next morning, and not that evening. They would need all the hours of daylight they could get, even on the horses Beorn promised them. He was going to fully stock them for the journey ahead, with enough blankets, food, water, and steeds to get them to the forest alive.
Until then, though, they could simply feast.
Their eating had slowed significantly after their breakfast, their stomachs growing sore with the sudden introduction of rich food, but Kili hadn't felt so satisfied in days. Bilbo was practically in heaven, slowly tasting his way around the room, in a food-rendered daze. They were allowed to go outside, so long as they didn't go outside of the gates, but this left them with plenty to explore. Pens for goats and rams, wandering cows and horses, bees the size of Kili's palm bumbling about their hives.
It was all so serene, and the sun was golden warm and perfect for a mid-morning nap. He had just woken from such a nap when he stumbled back into the house, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He'd left Fili behind, in the grass, still dozing, but all the others were outside, chatting, resting, and otherwise occupying themselves, so he was plenty safe.
The house was empty, save behind a heavy wooden door, where Kili could hear voices. Beorn was long gone and the only two of the company he hadn't seen outside were Gandalf and Gwen, so by process of elimination, it had to be them.
Without even realizing he was doing it, Kili crept up to the door, careful not to make a sound. He settled his ear against one of the wider cracks in the door, and let himself listen in.
"Have you talked to Thorin about this, Gandalf?"
Oh no. She didn't sound happy. Gandalf's reply was tense. "I don't need to. He will accept my choice."
"Your choice?" Gwen repeated, aghast. "So it's your choice now?"
"There isn't any other choice!" Gandalf boomed. He paused briefly, sighing as he lowered his tone back to a speaking volume. "My girl, I would have it another way if it could be another way."
"It could be another way though," Gwen hissed. "It has to be."
"What is it that you're so terrified of?"
"You know very well what it is I'm running from, Master Gandalf," she bit out.
There was a long pause before Gandalf's reply came, thoughtful. "But I have yet to learn what it is you're running to."
For once, Gwen didn't have an answer. When she finally spoke, it was cold. "Perhaps there are some things that even Wizards need not be made privy to."
Kili blinked. What in Mahal's lovely name was happening?
Gandalf let out a hearty chuckle, though it lacked some of its' usual lightheartedness. "Perhaps, my dear girl. But some matters press more closely than your personal affairs."
"You say that without knowing what my personal affairs are, Master Gandalf."
"I say that knowing what the pressing matters are, though."
Gwen hesitated. "I do not know what you're talking about."
"You would not leave them without saying goodbye, at least," Gandalf offered, his voice gentle, but prodding.
Kili's heart dropped to his toes. Leave? He was twitching to move, to do something for the situation, but he was forced to merely listen.
"I cannot say goodbye," Gwen admitted, almost too quietly for him to hear.
"And you will not. Our dwarves need a guide."
"And for that, they have you," she said.
Gandalf sighed deeply. "I fear that may not be true. The time may be coming for my path to part from theirs once again."
"What?" Gwen asked suddenly, any surrender or sorrow in her tone gone in a flash. "You can't leave."
"That is not your decision to make," Gandalf rumbled, low and almost mournful. "Nor is it mine, I'm afraid."
"I…I don't understand."
Kili could only agree with that sentiment.
"You will in time, my dear."
"Don't you 'my dear' me, you bloody bastard," Gwen snapped back, her anger raring back to life. "We cannot traverse the forest without you! All this talk of my responsibility, and yet you abandon yours on the drop of a hat!"
"Do not think me a mere peddler of cheap tricks," Gandalf began, his voice akin to thunder, beginning to rumble on the horizon, low but threatening of something far, far greater. "There are powers at work that are far beyond what you can comprehend."
"Please," Gwen said, her anger changing to desperation quicker than the wind. "Please, Gandalf. They need you. We need you."
"They need you," Gandalf corrected gently.
"You shut up," Gwen retorted. "I don't know the way."
"You do."
She did?
"I don't know," Gwen said softly, and Kili had a feeling she was talking about much more than just the way through the forest.
Silence fell for a few too many agonizing heartbeats before it was broken by Gandalf. "How long has it been since you were home?"
"One hundred and seventy-one."
One hundred and seventy-one what? Days? Weeks? He could have sworn she had been in the west for longer than that. Or was it months?
"And yet you still know the way."
"I could not forget it." There was an edge of bitterness on her words that Kili had never heard before. "Even when I try."
"And so you will lead them."
"Gandalf—"
"And if you will not, I only ask that you tell them."
"Why?" She asked very simply.
"Because they deserve it."
Letting out a growl of frustration, Gwen's footsteps stomped towards the door. Kili barely had time to step back before it swung open hard. Gwen was a gust of scarlet fabric as she passed, not noticing Kili, and he held his breath, not daring to move a muscle until the door had swung shut.
Gwen was moving with a purpose though. And if she was trying to leave without saying goodbye…
He was running after her without another moment's thought. "Gwen!"
By the time he reached the courtyard, she was already leaving it, the door slamming shut behind her as she left the safety of the gate. Ignoring the curious gazes of a few dwarves, Kili chased after her, yanking the gate open. The plain was wide open, swift wind spilling out over it, but Gwen was easy to spot, only a few yards ahead. "Stop!"
"How much did you hear?" she spat out, whirling to face him.
Kili's eyes widened. "You—"
"You really should stop eaves-dropping, Master Dwarf. Some might consider it a betrayal of trust." Her words dripped with venom, but she turned back away from him to look out at the thick grass rolling away from them for miles.
Kili swallowed. She knew. She had sharp ears.
Ha. Sharp ears.
He didn't find that little joke very amusing, on second thought. "Mahal, Gwen…I didn't mean to."
She didn't respond to that weak excuse, repeating her question. "How much did you hear?"
The fire had faded from her, but the question remained insistent.
"Some," was all he could really say.
She let out a bitter, sharp laugh. "I could do it, you know."
He raised a brow.
"Run away," she explained, staring out at the fields. "You couldn't catch me. I could just start running."
"That's true," Kili got out, despite the fact that his heart was trying terrible knots in his gut.
She turned to him, looking surprised, and maybe a little hurt. "What?"
"Of course you could," Kili explained, shrugging. "If you ran, I couldn't stop you. You could leave. But please don't." Her eyes cast down from his, and he tried to find the right words to say what he wanted to. "I…I can't tell you to stay with me—with us. I could never tell you to do it. I couldn't make you. But Mahal only knows, I can beg."
She looked at him after she took his words in, the bright sunlight keeping her unreadable. "There's more to it than you know, Master Dwarf."
"Then tell me what that is, Gwen. Just…help me understand because it's pretty bloody obvious I don't understand now." She had no response to that. Kili rubbed at the sudden headache between his eyes, feeling even sicker to the stomach than he had before. "I won't make you tell me. I can't. But I can ask you to. And I am asking you to."
"Kili…" She opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out. Kili gave her a moment, and she finally got out, "I'm sorry."
Kili let out a deep breath, trying to let the tension out of him and take in the serenity of the countryside.
"But not now."
"Why not?" he prompted gently.
"I don't know," she mumbled.
"Why not?" Kili asked again. That had been a terrible answer for her to try and pull on him.
"Because I'm not ready for what might happen."
Kili sighed, looking her over. She was telling the truth as far as he could tell. "You tell me when you're Ready, love."
She nodded.
"Promise?"
"Promise," she said softly.
He let a shaky smile onto his face. It was all alright. She wasn't running off. He was alright. "I'm guessing you want to stay out here?"
She nodded, smiling slightly. "You know me well."
"I like to think I do," he laughed, drawing a slight chuckle from her. He stepped forward to hold her arm gently, giving it a squeeze. "Now you won't go running away without me this time, aye?"
She nodded.
"And you'll stay near the gates and shout if anything happens?"
She rolled her eyes but consented. "Yes, mother."
"Promise?" he urged her again.
"Promise," she agreed, her lips quirking back up into that lovely smile.
Kili's grasp slid down to her hand, and he pulled it to his mouth before she could react, giving the back of her fingers a soft kiss. "That's a promise sealed by a kiss. You can't break those."
"Sod off," she huffed, tearing her hand free to shove his shoulder away.
Kili laughed, but could only really do what he was told.
He ignored the curious looks of the other dwarves until he got to Fili. He had woken up and looked up at Kili, concern in his eyes. "What was that?"
Kili shook his head. "It was fine."
Fili inspected his face for half a moment, before holding up a hand. "Give me a lift?"
Kili helped him up, and Fili started walking, wandering closer to the outer wall. Kili followed until he stopped at the base of an ancient tree. Its branches were massive, the bark was worn partially smooth, but it still burst with life, some of its leaves changing from a rich bright green to shades of gold in anticipation of the fall.
"Want to climb?" Fili asked, glancing at Kili over his shoulder, then back up to the tree.
Kili chuckled. "Didn't get enough climbing in after our last venture?"
He suspected that Fili just wanted to get them somewhere where they could talk in private. This had been a common ploy they used as children. They'd sit up in the pines behind the back of their cottage for hours, telling stories, throwing rocks at squirrels, or debating the finer points of life. It seemed things didn't really change, even years later.
"Come on," Fili called down, already halfway up the tree.
Kili couldn't hide his smile as he followed Fili's wandering path up into the tree. They stopped when the branches above were too thin to support their weight, sitting side by side on either side of the trunk, facing out towards the plains, the Misty Mountains cutting out the horizon before them. The sunlight dappled through the leaves, kissing his skin with spots of warmth.
The breeze was constant, but not uncomfortable, bringing the smell of warmth, flowers, and grass. When they were smaller and could get up to the top of trees, they would often find themselves swaying with the breath of the wind, but where they were, they remained still as the breeze rustled around them. Their feet swung freely beneath them, and they trusted their balance, not their hands to keep them perched on the branches as they took in the peace.
It was just like old times.
"What'd you want to talk about?" Kili said when he'd had the chance to breathe properly, the bubbling cauldron of emotions in his mind stilling.
"Thought we could catch up a bit," Fili replied.
"Catch up?" Kili repeated. "Fee, you're with me every hour of my resting and rising and we talk constantly. I think you're fairly caught up."
He reached around the tree to punch Kili in the shoulder. "You know what I mean. The things you don't tell me about."
"Such as?" Kili asked, raising a brow.
Fili motioned towards the field. "For starters, why you were just chasing Gwen out of house and home."
"I wasn't chasing," Kili sighed. "I was trying to catch her."
"That's different?" he snorted.
"She…" Kili began, not responding to Fili's question. "There's something going on, Fee."
"Well, I can tell that much."
Kili rolled his eyes. "No, it's…She's hiding something."
"Well," Fili scoffed. "I've known that for a while. What is it?"
"Well, if I knew that, it wouldn't be so hidden would it be?"
"It'd still be hidden to me," Fili argued. "I just thought I might ask."
Kili shook his head. "I have ideas, I just…"
"What ideas?" Fili asked, turning to look at Kili.
Faced with his brother's clear blue eyes, Kili found himself struggling with what to answer. He couldn't lie. Not well, anyway. Fili would see through it in an instant. But he couldn't share his thoughts either. "I…"
"Can't tell me?" Fili suggested, smiling ruefully.
Kili could only shrug. Fili sat back with a sigh. "Saying it makes it real?"
Kili blinked. "Aye that's…I'd say that's right about it."
"Is that why you can't say you like her out loud?"
Kili shoved away the possible implication as well as a blush that threatened to flush his cheeks. "I hope we all like her, brother."
Fili turned to give him a dry look. "You bloody well know what I meant."
Kili combed a hand through his hair, not able to stop the heat creeping up his neck. Fili was…Well. He chuckled, but it came out strangled and nervous. "Fili, you're…" The knowing look on Fili's face was too powerful. Kili let out a sigh of defeat. "I think you're right."
"Aye, I know I'm right. I've known I'm right for a while."
His face found his hands as he pressed onto his eyes until he saw stars. Mahal above, this wasn't happening. The sinking feeling in his chest told him that this was, indeed, happening. "I can't believe it."
"She makes you happy," Fili said matter-of-factly. "And I know you make her happy."
"Really?" Kili asked hopefully, lifting his head and blinking away the spots he saw.
Fili laughed. "You look like an excited puppy."
Kili smacked his leg. "Shove off."
"You're even sounding like her," Fili said, falling into more chuckles. Kili threw up his hands in defeat. There was no way for him to win. "Of course you make her happy, Kee."
The sinking feeling turned warm and settled somewhere in him, feeling golden and soft and good. He couldn't help it if that made him smile.
This smile faded as a thought bubbled up in his mind. "Ma would kill me, I think."
"If Thorin didn't first," Fili observed grimly.
His anxiety rushed back, double what it had been before. He groaned, squeezing his eyes shut against the flood of thoughts. "This is bad."
Fili made a sound of agreement. This only made Kili let out a hopeless breath, "Thanks for making me admit all of this when it's impossible."
"Oi," Fili protested. "I never said impossible, I said bad. Surely, it's not…ideal. And it's tricky. And it's going to be messy." As despair set further and further in, Kili opened his eyes to see that everything was just as drear as it had been before. Before he could speak, Fili continued. "But she's a stubborn arse and so are you. And I think—know, rather, that if you two set your mind to something, no power on earth would really step in your way. You'd make it work."
"How?"
Fili only shrugged. "I don't know, Kee. I can't say I know." There was a flash of guilt in his eyes, but he shoved it far, far away before Kili could say a word about it. "That's for you to figure out."
His pat on the back brought a sliver of comfort to Kili. He sighed, staring out through the leaves to the glimpses of the world beyond. "Are you sure I like her?"
Fili barked out a laugh at the question. "It's worse than that time with Gelda."
Kili couldn't help but cringe at the memory. Aule, that was a dark time. "Not so obvious as then I hope?"
The noncommitted sound Fili made only had Kili curling further up on himself in embarrassment. Oh, the flowers. Oh, the letter. Oh, the dancing. Oh…oh the song. That damned song.
"I would levy that your…" Fili tried to find the right way of phrasing it. "…mating ritual, shall we say, had been refined somewhat since then."
"Somewhat?" Kili was aghast. "You're not making me feel much better."
"It's not my job to make you feel better," Fili snorted. "I'm your brother, not Gwen."
There was just enough teasing in his tone to take Kili right back to the Gelda times. Oh, he had been mocked then. And since then.
"I'm going to kill you," Kili informed him, quietly and quite sincerely.
"You're unarmed," Fili said, correctly to Kili's dismay. "I checked before we came up."
Kili growled. "I could kill you with my bare hands, Fee. Don't test me."
"You could," Fili admitted. "But Gwen would be upset, and you wouldn't get your nightly cuddles in, now would you?" Kili was blushing a few shades of red, but still perfectly willing to commit murder, if Fili hadn't dodged away, starting his descent snickering. "You'll have to catch me first."
"Once I get my bow, you should run, brother."
"Understood," Fili chirped, hopping to the ground a moment later.
Kili didn't give chase right away. He probably would later, but he needed a moment to let his thoughts settle out.
He liked her. And she was…well. Perhaps she wasn't quite human. And perhaps she liked him back. She wanted to leave, and he wanted to kiss her. But she may have wanted to kiss him too.
Kili shook his head, taking in a deep soothing breath. He would need a drink if he was to survive the night.
The day wore by agonizingly slowly. The rest was nice, considering that Kili's legs were still sore from the previous day, but Kili was far from relaxed. Every moment he had, he would start overthinking anything and everything. The things Gwen said, the looks Thorin gave him, everything seemed to set him on edge.
Bilbo's company was still peaceable for him, and he took advantage of this, finding him out in the garden dozing in the shade of a tree. Kili sat down quietly, but evidently, it wasn't quite enough. Bilbo sat up quickly, snorting, his hands gripping onto his waistcoat protectively.
"It's just me," Kili laughed.
"Oh. So it is," Bilbo said, taking a fortifying breath, and sitting up straighter against the tree.
"How are you, Mister Boggins?"
"It's Baggins," Bilbo corrected, sending Kili a dour look.
"It is?" Kili asked, feigning surprise. Of course, he knew what Bilbo's name was. He just enjoyed seeing the tiny twitch of annoyance in Bilbo's left eye that happened without fail, every time he bumbled his name.
Bilbo shook his head. "I'm very good," he replied curtly to Kili's original question.
"Really?" Kili raised a brow. "Very good?"
"Well…Not exactly," Bilbo amended. "A bit sore and hungry."
"Hungry? We just had the largest breakfast we've had in weeks!"
"If by 'just had' you mean had five hours ago, then you would be correct," Bilbo sniffed. "A proper hobbit will have had three meals by now."
Kili, for one, was still quite full from breakfast, and couldn't help but be impressed by the fortitude of hobbits. If he tried to eat that much, he'd probably be just as rotund as Bombur in a month. "Well, I'm sure we'll be having supper soon."
Bilbo made a soft, still unsatisfied sound.
"It is lovely here, though," Kili sighed. "Don't you think so?"
"I don't know if I enjoy having livestock in the house, but it is nice to see good, green things growing," Bilbo admitted.
"I wish we could just stay here," Kili said, closing his eyes for a moment to soak in the sunlight pooling through leaves onto him.
Bilbo sighed. "I must say I agree. I don't see much good coming to us in that forest."
"It's a dark place," Kili agreed, trying not to shiver at the thought. "I've never been there, but I've never heard good things about it."
"I've read old tales," Bilbo mused. "It used to be grand and lovely, I think. But things seem to be changing."
"A darkness," Kili said. Bilbo nodded. "I don't know where it's coming from, but things seem to be getting darker." He found himself chuckling. "Although that could just be me getting older."
"Hmm," Bilbo said. "Darker. Yes."
He was absently twisting something between his fingers, something that glinted in the flashes of sunlight. Kili recalled then Bilbo's recent change of mood. Gwen seemed suspicious that something had happened in the caves. Bilbo seemed to have grown a bit more reclusive, almost…protective. Of his battered waistcoat. Or really, of his pocket. Or perhaps…what was inside of that pocket?
"What's that?" Kili prompted, keeping his voice light, but his eyes fixed intently in whatever Bilbo was fiddling with.
The question seemed to startle him, and he looked up, panic flashing through his eyes. "Oh, it's just..." His fingers opened, and in the center of his palm rested an acorn. Shiny brown, large and perfectly formed. Just an ordinary acorn. There were dozens of them scattered around them by the massive oak tree they leaned against. "I just picked it up," Bilbo laughed, his voice a little thin.
"So you did," Kili said, keeping any suspicion out of his voice. "May I see it?" Bilbo handed it to him, without hesitation, and Kili inspected it. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just an acorn. "It'll grow beautifully one day," he marveled.
"I'm sure," Bilbo said, relief evident in his body language. Curious.
Kili tossed it up in the air towards Bilbo, who scrambled to catch it. When he did, he seemed to be almost enchanted by it, staring at it thinking who knew what. "You're an odd little fellow."
Bilbo gave him a scolding glare. "You don't have to be rude."
"Perhaps I beg to differ," Kili said, smirking as he settled back against the tree. Bilbo didn't reply, and they sat in contented silence for sometimes, their minds both filled with frantic, but very different thoughts.
The rest of the evening was exactly what Kili wanted it to be. They had been given a feast of a dinner, complete with everything except meat, which evidently Beorn didn't eat, but Kili couldn't protest. There was plenty of cheese, glazed vegetables, roasted potatoes, berries, fruits, and thick, hearty breads.
To top all of it off, there were drinks aplenty, a few types in Beorn's stock. There was a rich, honeyed mead, some lovely ale, fine aged wines, and to top it all off, a clear drink that had enough alcohol in a single shot to send Kili's head spinning. There wasn't a soul there, save Gandalf, Thorin, and Beorn that didn't indulge a little more than they should have, Kili certainly not exempt. He wasn't quite at the point of stumbling and being sick everywhere, but his thoughts were tamped down, and he was having a grand time.
It was precisely what he needed.
It was warm, and his head was buzzing with the best kind of bees. Bofur kept them singing and laughing and telling stories for a good few hours until Kili finally decided to get up.
Gwen had been tugging at his mind all night, and he'd finally had enough of her bright laughter, and flushed cheeks and easy smiles. He nudged Fili to let him know where he was going, before stepping away from the circle of the others. Too drunk to get themselves up or keep themselves on the benches, they had settled in a circle on bales of hay.
Fortunately, Gwen was sitting a bit outside of the group, and no one saw him coming up behind her, tapping her on the shoulder. Unsurprised, she turned, and Kili was hit with a wave of her smell. She was warm and spicy and smelled of wine. "Yes, Master Dwarf?"
"I saw flashflies," he said. It was true. The door was propped open, and he could see that in the dusk, there were flashes of yellow light.
"And?"
"Well, come on," he urged, grabbing her arm, and giving it a tug.
"Valar, you don't have to pull me," she huffed, taking her arm away from him, but standing all the same.
He resisted the urge to cheer, and waited for her to get up so that he could urge her towards the door with a hand to her lower back. "You have to see."
"Aye, alright," she chuckled, leading on willingly.
The air was lovely and cool and flowery. Balmy. Gwen was warm, where his arm had slid all the way around her waist. She fit well against him, and it was really only a matter of time until she ended up against him like this. "You call them flashflies?" she asked as their eyes adjusted enough to see the blinks of floating yellow.
"Hmm. What do you call them?" he asked, reluctantly drawing his arm away. He may have been drunk, but he still understood that it would be a short time until she slapped him away.
"Ghashnal."
"That's an ugly word," Kili observed, his eyes tracking one as its dark shape fluttered up, out of reach into the pink sky. "But you make it sound so lovely."
"I don't know if I would say ugly—"
"Oh, I would," Kili told her confidently. "Too harsh and odd. Like you."
"Bloody hell, Kili." She looked offended.
He quickly realized his mistake. "No, no, that's not what I meant, love." She looked at him skeptically. "Well…No, no, I meant that you're those things but then, so lovely."
"You know how to make a lass feel special, Master Dwarf." She seemed to be laughing in disbelief now, a smile in the root of her eyes. It's good she wasn't too upset. His words didn't seem to be coming out quite right.
"Gwen," he sighed, turning to catch both of her arms and look her dead on. "You…" There was a flashfly fluttering an inch away from her head, and he couldn't focus. "You're…" if the bloody thing could just—
He couldn't stop himself. His hand released her arm, darting for the creature. It slipped his grasp, and he growled in frustration, lunging after it.
Gwen's laughter broke through the barrier of his thoughts, loud and clear in the soft air. He looked back and realized that he had been trying to say something to her. Well. She didn't appear to upset. This in mind, he carried on the delicate pursuit of his quarry. He had to wait until it was back in arm's reach, but even then, it evaded his grasping hand.
He frowned. Still not fast enough.
After a few more unsuccessful attempts, Gwen's call turned him back around. "You're doing it all wrong."
"Oh, like you're some bloody expert."
"I have two already," she said smugly, and Kili had to come closer to see.
She opened her carefully clasped hands, and twin glows lit gently. Two of the little bastards lazily traversed her palms. "You have to be gentle," she explained, "Slow."
"That doesn't sound right," Kili said. He had never been as good as Fili at catching them, but he'd never needed to contemplate his technique.
"Hold out your hand," she ordered. When he did, she let one of the flies crawl over to his hand. Its tiny feet tickled his skin, but he resisted the urge to brush it off. It wandered down his hand, flashing softly. "See? It's so small, and not very clever. If it doesn't realize what you're trying to do—"
The bug extended its wings, starting to flutter up, and Kili reached for it, trying to prevent it from slipping away. Nervous, it dodged him, arching up into the night. Gwen sighed. "That's exactly what I said not to do."
"I don't need your help," Kili announced, stepping away from her. "I'll catch more than you could know and I'll do it my way."
"You're drunk," Gwen called as he sprinted away, eyes locked onto the next enemy.
"You are too," he shot back.
"I'm barely tipsy compared to you."
"Would someone so drunk be able to catch so terrible and elusive a creature?" Kili asked, jumping trying to catch said creature.
"Well, no, hence your inability to perform the described task."
Finally, his fingers closed around it. He brought his hand cautiously to his chest, opening his hands slightly to peer in. A greenish-yellow glow trickled out, and he whopped in triumph. "Got one!"
Gwen was on her way to look, but the bug had other plans. It took off from his finger faster than he could know, its tiny wings frantically beating the air as it floated past his face, he swore and reached for it, but this seemed to be more than he could handle.
Balance shot, he pitched forward, hitting the soft ground moments later. He was lucky it was grass cushioning his fall, but he managed to well knock the breath from his chest.
At least Gwen had found it amusing if her laughter was anything to judge by. By the time he had rolled over, she was standing above him, offering a hand down. "I think it got away."
He glared up at her, but sat up, grasping her hand.
He was grateful for the good drink slowing her reflexes down, because she didn't even notice him kicking a leg out, to sweep hers out from under her. She tumbled down next to him, and this time, it was him falling back, laughing at her misfortune.
"You twat," she said in a shocked voice as she started to get back up onto her hands and knees.
"No." He took her arm, making her pause. "Stay here. We'd just end up down here again soon."
He wasn't sure if he was smiling when he said that, but the smile that spread across her face as she flopped back down made something wind tight in the pit of his gut. They caught their breaths, lying on the ground, Kili on his back, her on her side. She spoke first, repeating with a grin bordering on goofy. "You're drunk."
"And you're lovely," he said, quite truthfully.
She was, like this. Breathless, and flushed and grinning, and bright and sudden and so very Gwen that it hurt.
The grin flagged, replaced by something softer. "How's that?"
"Mahal, I don't know," he said, turning on his side to look at her properly. "You're…so long, and lean, and your hands are rough, but tiny, and they fit so well with mine." Something in his heart throbbed at the memory. "I've memorized all your smiles but they still catch me off guard, your blush sits in the perfect place on your face, and I think I could look at your eyes forever and I still wouldn't be able to read everything behind them. Like now," he offered. "Why…What's got you looking at me like that?"
It was something he'd only seen a glimpse of. Something he wanted to shy away from and lean into at the same time. She opened her mouth but took a few moments to find words. "You're everything."
He didn't understand her words, but the way she said them almost made him shiver. They were sacred words. "What?"
"You're…" her eyes were flickering over his face as if they couldn't take in enough. "You…Your face, your eyes, your hair, your smile. You…You make me feel all wound up inside. Like I'm waiting…like I'm too weak to…Like I couldn't let you go even if I tried. But I would never ever want to try."
He felt the same way.
Bloody…the same way.
"I'd like to kiss you."
The words surprised him, but they were abundantly true. Her tongue had flickered out to wet her lips and all of the sudden, his heart thudded in his ears and he burned to be kissing her. Kissing Gwen.
She blinked. Just blinked. He wished he could read her eyes, but he wasn't going to let this feeling slip away again. He needed it. He saw, rather than felt that he was shaking as his hand came up to rest on her cheek. The skin was soft against his callouses, and her entire face fit into the curve of his palm. She was so real. Unbelievably real. So close and so real. "May I kiss you?" The words were barely breathed, but she heard them.
Rather than answer, she had bridged the distance between their lips, catching him up in a kiss.
He was kissing her. She was warm and her lips were soft and warm and he was kissing her. She lifted away for a moment, but he wasn't going to have any of that. Sliding his eyes closed, he leaned back in, their heads tilting just right as if they had practiced. Something in him began unwinding, slowly at first, and then more rapidly as heat flushed over him.
He realized suddenly, that he could feel her pulse and needed more. She let out a soft noise, that made his eyes roll back in his head as he slid her closer, sliding an arm in the space between her waist and the ground. She fit better in his arms than he ever could have hoped, and he clutched her tighter against him than could have been comfortable. She didn't mind, her hands coming up to wrap in the fabric of his shirt, as they rolled over, Kili's weight pressing down onto her. He worried briefly about crushing her, and he was running out of breath, the quick air through his nose not quite enough, but her legs came up to wrap around him and he thought he might just pass out. She was flooding every one of his senses.
The heat building in his gut was unlike anything he'd quite felt, and he had to stop, pulling away with a soft sucking noise that left him groaning. This was too much. How had he lived without it?
They sucked in air greedily, Gwen's hands releasing from his shirt to fall to the ground above her head. Kili pulled himself away from her, not happy to lose her heartbeat against his chest, but knowing that they needed the space. She was flushed just the way he liked, her hair springing free as her scarf fell away from her face. He could see her eyes flashing through a thousand things before they settled on one. "You're bloody good at that."
This sent a rush through him from head to toe, manifesting in a dark smirk. "I'll have to show you how much better it is when I'm sober."
It was too dark to be sure of what her eyes said, but the dazed smile on her lips faded. "I don't think so."
He lifted a brow. "What?" They were still quite wrapped up, her legs securing him onto her, their noses inches apart. She seemed to have had just as good of a time as him. What was the problem?
"We…We can't do that."
"We can," he scoffed. "I'm sure of it. Shall I show you?"
The way her eyes darkened at the suggestion was answer enough, and he didn't waste a moment, capturing her mouth once again. Fueled by their last embrace, this kiss was even more desperate. Her arms flew up to his back, dragging him back down flush against her, and his hands found her hair, slipping her scarf back to take up fistfuls of her hair. A sound vibrated up out of her throat at the touch, and she squeezed him even tighter.
Mahal. She was undoing him.
Their teeth clacked almost painfully, but Kili couldn't care less. She wasn't the only lass he'd kissed, but it felt like she could be. She was entirely different than those delightful, soft maids who'd entertained him before. She was nothing but taught muscle and moving and arching and quick, hot lips, and it lit a sort of fire in him that he'd never felt. They were both ravenous, drinking in every bit of pleasure they could find from each other.
The reality of breathing tore them back apart, but Kili didn't go far, keeping her trapped under him, his forehead balanced against hers.
Once she caught her breath, she smirked. "I don't think I got it that time."
He raised a brow.
Her tone was innocent, but the meaning of her words was far from it. "Show me again?"
"Devious minx," he murmured, matching her smirk before obliging her request.
Kili took his time with this kiss, exploring her lips trying to memorize every bit of feeling he could, How alive she felt, moving and responding, the way her hips rolled and her hands reached at his back, the feeling of her ribs even through her clothing, the taste of wine and her mouth, every sound she made. He wasn't going to forget it for one moment. He couldn't.
They parted a third time, no less reluctantly than before. Kili wished that it hadn't grown as dark as it had, but he could still see well enough to catch the look in her eyes. It was warm and soft, and if it weren't so bloody dark, Kili may have sworn that it was adoring. Sucking in deep breaths of the cool air, Kili closed his eyes. He had to remember. He shouldn't have waited to get so drunk to do this.
They were silent, just breathing, just taking in. Kili was shaking, and part of him knew that if he didn't stop now, it might be impossible for him too. "One more for good luck," he whispered, unable to keep himself from it.
This one was soft and simple and warm, the pressing of lips together. And it was enough to sate him for that moment. He rolled off of her, her limbs falling away to allow him, and they both laid on their backs, taking in the half-clouded night sky above them. The warm, bubbling feeling in Kili hadn't stopped, but it was beginning to be overshadowed by an odd sort of sadness. "I wish I could tell you that I love you."
He wasn't entirely sure if he had said the words out loud. Exhaustion was tugging at his mind, blurring everything around him.
"I wish I could tell you I don't."
The dawn came far too soon, accompanied with Thorin's rousing voice. Kili jumped at the sound, but fell back, groaning as his brain thudded against his skull, as if it was trying to burst out. He felt bloody awful. With the dreams he had, he doubted the sleep he'd gotten the previous night was actually going to help him at all. But those dreams…
Despite how he felt, heat flushed through him, and he felt his toes curl at the memory. There were only wisps of the dream left behind, but they were fueled by the smell of Gwen stirring next to him. That had been…
Mahal, he really was a lost cause.
"Kee, get up," Fili growled, only half awake himself as he punched his brother in the chest.
Kili groaned, trying to pry his eyes open to the light. "I am up."
Fili made an unhappy noise in response to that. "I think I may have had too much to drink."
Finally, his eyelids came apart, and he very much wished they hadn't. It was too bright. His mouth tasted awful, he had a crick in his neck, and his stomach was sour and yet still growling with hunger. "Me too," he breathed, trying to force himself to sit up.
"Really? I feel fine."
Gwen's comment made Kili groan but seemed to anger Fili more. "Oh shut up," he spat before a shuffling noise cued his departure.
Kili gave his eyes a good rub, white stars flashing across his vision as he turned to face Gwen. Her hair was a bit disheveled, and there was sleep in her eyes, but other than that, she looked fine. Of course, she did. Lucky prick. "Good bloody morning," he managed to get out around an ungraceful yawn.
Gwen cleared her throat, although Kili was fairly positive that she was just concealing laughter. "Here." She offered her waterskin, and Kili took it gladly.
The water washed the foul taste out of his mouth but only made his stomach feel worse. He groaned. "I don't even remember last night well enough to make this worth it."
"You were that drunk?" Gwen asked, smirking.
"Well, yes," Kili huffed, taking another swig before handing her skin back. "I mean, I remember odd bits and pieces, but nothing towards the end."
"You need to take better care of yourself," Gwen chided gently.
Kili waved her off with a dismissive hand. "You sound like my mother."
Gwen chuckled, standing. "You best quit complaining and get up. Thorin doesn't look happy."
Kili sighed, wanting nothing more than to lie back down. "He never does."
Hello, friends! This is faaaairly late in the day, but you know. Life happens. I hope you enjoyed this chapter! If you liked (Or disliked) any bit of it, please let me know what you think! I write this all for you, so I want you let me know how you want it to be! Also, I'm going to be cutting my updates down to once a week, because...you know...busy, so you all should let me know whether you'd prefer Wednesday or Sunday updates. Whateeever you like best. So let me know! Thank you for your time and your comments, and have a great week!
