CHAPTER ELEVEN
"It's alright. We belong to each other tonight."
-Red Sun Rising: "Deathwish"
The rain didn't stop for hours. It kept them sodden, their footsteps weary and cold, and their moods thoroughly dampened throughout most of their day's journey. The forest seemed only to draw darker and closer the deeper they went into the forest, the path winding through trees in a way that seemed entirely nonsensical. Still, they stuck to it, Gandalf's words and warnings ringing strong in their ears.
Though Kili would never admit it, his poor sleep the previous night was wearing on him. He hid his exhaustion behind the fact that it seemed that none of them were feeling very well. Their conversation was much sparser than it had been the previous day, more forced. They had a few good fungus-related laughs, but Kili was struggling. It felt like his brain was straining to keep up with the rest of him, lagging behind and blurring every few steps he took.
He could tell that Gwen was worried about him, but managed to fend off any of her questions with smiles until they settled down into camp for the night. Kili had been assigned to the first watch with Dwalin and Nori, and though he wasn't happy to hear it, he wasn't about to complain. After dinner, as they all settled down, Gwen crouched down to his eye level, resting a hand on the log that he was sat on. "Are you alright?"
"As alright as any of us," Kili observed lightheartedly. More lighthearted than it should have been, perhaps.
Gwen cast a skeptical look at the others over her shoulder. They were each groaning or sighing about different problems, settling down to sleep faster than they every typically would have. They all looked awful. "That's not very good then."
Kili shrugged. "It's what it is."
"You're tired," she said with a frown. "Do you want me to take this watch?"
He smiled at her concern but waved her off. "No, love, don't be ridiculous. I'm not that tired. Thorin would never let you do that anyway."
"What are you saying?" Thorin asked, walking over the moment he heard his name.
"She just wanted to discuss travel plans for the next day," Kili covered quickly. "But I think those might best wait until morning, aye Gwen?"
She looked like she wanted to protest for a moment, but bit that back, merely nodding. "You may have that right." She looked between them for a moment before bowing her head. "Good night, Master Dwarves." Having excused herself, she turned around to her bedroll next to Fili, Kili calling goodnight after her.
Thorin mumbled something, and Kili had to repress the desire to ask him what he had against a simple "good evening." His head hurt too much to start a fight.
"It seems that you and your brother and some of the others have grown…attached to her."
Kili crinkled his nose at the odd phrasing, sliding to the side of his log, and patting it for his uncle to sit. It was just awkward having him stand so uncomfortably. "Aye, Uncle. Some people just call that 'friendship' though."
"Aye, I just…" Thorin cleared his throat as he sat gingerly. "I do not want you to think that any qualms I may have with her are an attempt to scorn you."
Kili cringed slightly away from all of that statement. "First of all," Kili began. "Her name is Gwen, you can use it. She won't mind. And second…" He took a moment to gather his thoughts, before turning to his uncle. The last thing he wanted was this to turn into an argument. He would have to tread carefully. "She's my friend, Thorin. And I know you're not trying to insult me, or anything. I don't even think you're really trying to insult her, I think you're just…over-cautious...Prickly." Thorin bristled and Kili suddenly wished he had found better words than those to use. "I know that she's the same way with you. I just…"
"And yet you would defend her over me," Thorin said, barely loud enough to be heard.
Kili's heart dropped, his headache only throbbing worse. It was true, wasn't it? "Only if she's right," Kili blurted out. Thorin gave him a dark look and he spoke quickly to try and cover himself. "That's not what I…Thorin, I don't want to be trying to pick bloody sides, alright? I just wish that you two would get along better."
Thorin opened his mouth to speak, but Kili cut him off. "Uncle, I have to admit, I'm bloody exhausted, and I have a headache, and I don't want to say something I might regret. Could we wait until morning to talk about this more?'
Thorin looked over him carefully, and the pleading look in Kili's eyes seemed to do the trick. "Aye."
He pat Kili on the shoulder as he stood and left.
In his absence, Kili felt he could finally breathe. Sometimes it was hard not arguing with Thorin. The man was so thickheaded. Of course Kili wasn't siding with Gwen more than was fair. He trusted his uncle and he was the best leader Kili had ever known, he was just…hotheaded sometimes. And Gwen seemed to bring that out in Thorin in the most terrible way.
But, then, when had Kili ever gone against Gwen in Thorin's favor?
Kili watched Thorin return to his pack next to Dwalin, as the dinner in his stomach soured. Perhaps he had been…unfair. Biased. Influenced by Gwen's sad smiles. This was his Uncle Thorin, after all, the man that was meant to be king. The one who had guided him his whole life. Who had been there when…Could his judgments really be that misguided?
He found his gaze moving to Gwen who was sitting next to Fili, both of them chatting before they rested. That was his Gwen. The one who he'd given every bit of his trust too. Was it too late for him to decide that she was mistaken? Would she really be so wrong?
Kili rubbed at the aching spot behind his eyes. This was all far too much. He wished that Thorin and Gwen would just get along better. He wished that he could find the thing that made her and Thorin disagree so much and untie that knot. Then everything would hang straight, and he could get along just fine, not feeling so torn and awful.
Mostly, he wished that Gwen would tell him what she was hiding, if only to rid him of that sick, nagging feeling.
He tried to dismiss all of those thoughts into the night air, but he found little peace, even with Dwalin and Nori's low chatter in the background and the soft sounds of sleep rising up all around him.
He never prayed, or hadn't in a very long while, but he found himself looking up at the vague silver-lined silhouettes of branches above him and asking Mahal for a bit of a helping hand.
What did Thorin dislike about Gwen? Well, she was too headstrong for his taste, not a fantastic listener, and she didn't like to share a lot about herself. He was wary of her. That was it. There was the obvious clash of personalities, but Thorin was simply too cautious. Untrusting. So, why would he be all of those things?
Because she had too many things hidden.
Because Thorin knew there was more to her than met the eye. That mystery that swirled around her that drew Kili in like a moth to the flame set Thorin on edge like nothing else. Yes. That was his problem. She was hiding something.
Alright, then on to Gwen. Why did she dislike Thorin? Well. She refused to back down from a challenge and had a temper quick enough to match Thorin's. But it was possible she was scared to get too involved with him because she didn't want him finding out her secrets.
Ah. Yes. She was scared.
Simple, when he thought it out like that. The answer was abundantly clear. Gwen should share her secret so that she has nothing to be scared of, and then Thorin would know and be able to trust her. They might argue, but it would be over little, squabbly things, and Kili suspected that their deep-seated discomfort about each other would vanish.
Then again, Kili didn't even know what she was hiding himself. Well. He had ideas, but those wouldn't be…Mahal, Thorin finding out the truth might be the worst possible thing if Kili's worst ideas were true.
He groaned. There went his simple solution.
"Careful you're not thinking too hard there, laddie," Dwalin's voice grumbled.
Kili brought his eyes down from the treetops to grin at Dwalin and Nori. "Too hard? Nonsense. I can't think too hard. I'm an intellectual."
"He doesn't actually know what that word means," Nori said in a faux whisper to Dwalin, who laughed as loudly as he dared.
"More like intellectually stunted," Dwalin added, snorting through chuckles.
"That wasn't even clever," Kili said, rolling his eyes. Of course, he'd be lying if he tried to say that he wasn't laughing just a little bit.
Kili was plagued with yet another awful night's sleep. He'd managed a few hours, but terrible, restless dreams plagued him. Horrible, churning things filled his eyelids when they closed. Voices and noises so vivid, he couldn't believe they were false.
He awoke in the thin dawn and decided he'd resigned himself to the constant headache twinging behind his eyes. Before he'd stood up, Gwen stopped him with a hand to the knee. "Kili, are you alright?"
"Tired," he replied with a shrug.
She frowned. "Couldn't you sleep?"
Kili shook his head. "Too many dreams. Or maybe I was awake after all. It became hard to tell the difference."
Concern darkened her gaze, her fingers tightening on the fabric of his trousers. "I wish there was…If there was something I could do."
Well, he thought, despite himself. Knowing what you're hiding might certainly help quiet my thoughts. He gave her a pitying smile, patting her hand. "Don't worry so much, love. It's not your fault. We're all exhausted."
She seemed temporarily placated and drew her hand back to begin securing her belongings, folding and tying blankets. Once she looked away, Kili let the smile drop from his lips. Mahal. He was wearing out fast.
The rain finally came to a stop, but that was perhaps because the trees had thickened around and above them, closing out all contact with the outside world. The path was terribly overgrown, covered in ivy, cracking under the pressure of the mighty roots of trees, but they stuck on it, even as they were forced to duck over and crawl under branches. If anyone even suggested they step off of the path to make their journey easier, Gwen would remind them of Gandalf's words, and they would press on.
Kili had well since lost all concept of time, but he was hungry. It seemed they all were. The decision was made to stop for a quick midday rest and finish off the fresh fruits and raw vegetables they had brought before they went bad. It wasn't a fine meal by any means, but at least it took an edge off of the numbness soaking into Kili's mind.
He was chewing on a raw potato, his eyes glazed into the distance when he heard Gwen and Thorin speaking. This was enough to break through the haze on his mind, and he stood cautiously, looking around for them.
"It's barely midday," Thorin was saying dismissively.
"How do you know that?" Gwen asked. She looked annoyed.
Thorin eyed the canopy of branches. It was dark but no darker than it had been before. A slight light trickled through, barely enough to see their feet with. "It is still light."
"Hardly! That's the moonlight."
Kili blinked. Moonlight? Was it night? He peered anxiously upwards. He couldn't see a difference from the day. He was exhausted, of course, but he always was exhausted. He couldn't tell. Didn't know.
"You don't know that," Thorin scoffed. "We haven't time to waste."
"Waste? It would not be a waste. We need to rest, Master Dwarf." Gwen seemed rather angry, but then, Thorin did as well.
"I do not feel I need a rest. I feel I am perfectly capable of continuing. Do you feel differently?" he challenged.
"Of course not," she bit back. "I'm not saying this for me, or for you, I am saying this for your kin and your friends." She threw out a hand to the rest of the company who were chewing their various foods, nearly silent and lethargic.
Kili wanted nothing more than to interrupt, but his conversation with Thorin from the previous night rang in his mind. Would that be taking sides?
"They are strong, they'll be fine." The challenge did not leave his tone, and Gwen was never one to back down from a challenge.
"Whatever you say, Master Dwarf."
She turned sharply away from him, stalking away, but Kili managed to catch her as she walked past him. Her eyes were blazing as she spoke, low but angry. "Gandalf set me as the guide for a bloody reason. Because I can be—because I've—" she breathed hard, trying to catch control of her temper, and Kili could see her hands flexing in frustration. He held tight to her arm, though, not willing to let her do anything she might regret. "That's fine, then. He can march us through the night, march us through tomorrow and through the next day and the next and the next until we're all dead on our feet, but no one can say that I—"
Kili let his hand slide down her arm to her hand. He understood she was frustrated, but seeing her like this was making him feel sick. He needed her to stop. "Shh."
She looked at him for the first time, actually seeing him through her anger. "Valar, Kili. I'm sorry."
"No," he mumbled. "Don't be."
He tugged her hand with him as he slid back down onto the tree he was sitting at. She fell down next to him. "I didn't mean—"
"Shh," he said again to the panic in her voice. He pressed her hand against his cheek. Her fingers were warm against the clamminess of his skin and he fought back the urge to shiver. "It's alright."
He felt a shaky hand on his shoulder, and her voice was almost scared as she asked, "Are you alright?"
He nodded into her hand, his eyes closed. Her skin was so warm and dry. He missed being warm and dry. "As much as any of us." He kissed her fingers gently, before letting her hand fall away and summing up all of his energy into looking better than he felt. "Don't worry so much, love."
Gwen examined his face, her eyes unreadable. She gave his shoulder another squeeze before she let go of it entirely. He felt suddenly like he was swaying a bit, dizzy and off-balance. "I'll trust you."
That was good, but maybe she shouldn't have.
Hours droned by. They felt like forever, or a blink, it was fairly difficult for Kili to tell. All he knew was that if he kept his eyes down and made sure he was always on the path, Gwen wouldn't fuss at him.
"Is that…Dawn?"
Balin's voice got him to look up. Indeed, it seemed a warmer light was breaching through the leaves, which were less dense than before. Was it…was it morning?
Well, then, where had the night gone?
"It is!" Bilbo called out sounding both exuberant and horrified. "It's morning!"
"Well…where was the night?" Ori asked, clearly confused.
"We marched through the night," Dwalin said, helping them all realize that was true.
That was…So Gwen had been right. Kili looked to her. Her eyes were steely, but she wasn't saying a word, just looking at Thorin with the rest of them. He seemed deeply invested in making a choice, his gaze moving from the trees and the light to the company.
Finally, he spoke. "We press on."
They all groaned as quietly as they could manage, except Bilbo. "Are you mad? We need…we need a rest!"
"And lose a day of travel?" Thorin said, terse. "I do not think that wise, Master Baggins."
"He's right," Dori added. "We're all exhausted. It's not safe to go on! Right?" He turned to look at Gwen.
She blinked at the question raised, and Kili looked on with trepidation. This could go poorly. However, despite Kili's worries, she grit her teeth, but said clearly, "We can only do as he says." Dori looked aghast, but Gwen continued, "He's your leader. He made a choice, so you follow."
Thorin seemed irritated by this answer, but couldn't find anywhere to protest.
"Mushrooms! I found mushrooms!" Bofur sounded overjoyed. "And they don't taste bad, either."
Kili turned, his eyes going wide. Bofur was crouched on the side of the path beside a tree with dark blue, shiny growths sprouting from its roots and trunk. He had a fist full, and Kili could see him chewing some. Now that didn't seem—
His doubts were confirmed as Gwen flew past him, a string of curses spilling out of her mouth, followed by, "Stop!"
Bofur looked up in confusion and was completely blindsided as Gwen knelt in front of him, smacking the fungus out of his hands. "Spit it out!" Bofur only blinked, and Gwen repeated herself, louder. Unease bubbled up in Kili's gut at the sound of her concern. This seemed bad. Very bad.
The baffled dwarf's mouth fell open, blue mush falling out into his lap. He seemed stunned as Gwen grabbed him by both of his shoulders. "Did you swallow any?"
There was no response. All the dwarves had crowded closer to witness the spectacle, so they all cringed at the sharp crack of her hand across his face. Her slap seemed to knock him out of his own head a bit. "Did you swallow any?" She repeated urgently.
"I think so," Bofur got out, sounding terribly muddled.
"I need you to be sick," Gwen said.
Kili groaned. Oh no. This wasn't going to be pretty.
Bofur seemed unable to understand that question, but he frowned. "My tongue is numb." No wonder his words were so slurred.
"Bloody—" Gwen hissed before she rolled up her sleeve. Mahal. No. Ew. No. "Stick your tongue out."
Bofur did so after a moment, clearly not knowing what was going to happen, and Kili had to look away as Gwen reached for his mouth. Bofur's retching sounds filled the air and they all winced. Kili turned back to see Gwen rinsing off her hand and arm with her water skin, before handing it to Bofur, who was half hunched over his own blue vomit. "Rinse your mouth well. Don't swallow any water until you can't taste any of it in your mouth."
As Bofur fumbled for the water, Gwen turned, shaking the water off or her arm and turning to look at the rest of them. Even though she was on the ground, and the rest of them were standing, the company seemed almost to cower from her. Kili understood why. Her eyes were blazing, her terrible temper on the verge of snapping. She was like a furious snake, raring to strike.
Ori broke the silence, sounding anxious. "What was that?"
"A mushroom," she responded curtly.
"What's it going to do?" Nori asked, morbidly curious, and perhaps a bit horrified.
Gwen shrugged. "Don't know. It could cause hallucinations, or drive him mad." She spoke of it casually, but her gestures were erratic, fueled by adrenaline and irritation. "It may give him a fever, or permanently paralyze him. Of course, it could do nothing; of he might seize up and die in front of us. I have no way of knowing, which is why I told you all not to touch or eat a bloody thing!" Her shout rang through the forest but none of them particularly wished to interrupt her tirade. Albeit, she had reason to be upset, but this was perhaps a little much. "I have rules, and I have rules for a reason," she spat, before turning back to the trembling Bofur.
Some of the company dispersed, mumbling nervously, but Kili stood by as Gwen took in a breath that was probably intended to calm her. "I didn't mean to shout," she said to Bofur, her tone softening. "I'm not angry at you."
He nodded numbly, handing her skin back and tugging nervously at the right flap of his hat, a nervous habit he'd had since Kili had known him. "Everything is spinning."
"No, it's not," Gwen assured him. "You're alright. It'll wear off soon."
"Will it?" Bofur asked, looking unsteadily in her direction.
She didn't respond, instead turning and calling, "Can I get a bit of bread from someone?"
Bombur was at her side in a moment, unwrapping a loaf and handing it to her. She tore off a section, and handed it back, then passed the bread to Bofur. "Try and eat this. We'll have Dwalin help you along, but if you feel you have to, or if something hurts, you can sit down for a bit."
All Bofur could do was nod. Gwen stood, brushing herself off and turning promptly to the company, namely Thorin. "Right, off we go."
"Perhaps we should rest a—"Gloin began.
"No, not yet. We have to press on. Isn't that right, Thorin?"
Thorin ignored her pointed gaze, and turned, letting out a grunt and starting down the path.
Bofur looked up helplessly but was quickly helped up to his feet by Bifur and Dwalin. They trailed behind the company unsteadily, and Gwen would have followed them if Kili hadn't stopped her. "Gwen."
She turned, and suddenly all the rage, all of the indignation was gone. In the thin wafts of sunlight, He could see that she was exhausted. Her eyes were sunken, her skin pallid, her hair slicked to her face with cold sweat. But then, in her eyes, guilt, welling up. Realizing what she'd done. How she'd shouted.
Kili reached up for her head, pulling it down to knock their foreheads gently together. He kept her there, unable to watch the emotions in her eyes. It was too much for him. "It's alright," he mumbled, glad to feel her warmth hadn't left with the haze of the forest. Her cheeks radiated heat, the feeling of her body a vague shadow of comfort against the tumult of feelings in his gut. All he wanted was to be close to her. "We're alright."
Were they? Kili couldn't stop thinking of her and her ears, of her in the forest, of her, her, her-
She nodded slightly against him, and he tilted his head to place a kiss on her cheek, before letting her pull away. She sighed, and after a silent agreement, they pressed on.
They tripped and stumbled their way through the day. Bofur was barely able to walk, but they dragged him onwards, stopping every hour to let him collapse on the side of the path, moaning about things that weren't there. Gwen and Oin had agreed that he would probably live, once the effects of the poison had worn off.
The sun was beginning to set through the veil of leaves when their dreadful march came to an end. Kili didn't bother eating, despite Gwen's nagging. He couldn't care less about anything except finally letting his eyes closed. Anything to get rid of that swaying, sick feeling and the endless pounding behind his eyes.
The moment he laid down, his body surrendered him into a thin, feverish sort of sleep.
He was spinning.
No, whirling.
The air was cool velvet and laced with the sweetness of flowered wine and mystery.
Dancing.
He was dancing.
Voices chattered about, a dim rush in the background. Prickling, flowing music trickled through him, ordering his feet and flooding his mind. Flooding his body. His partner was a slip of the night, like silk falling through the air, and they whirled together. Her hands were slight and rough.
His mouth tasted of fine food and wine and the smell and feeling of the air sent a shiver of delight down his spine and a thrill into his gut. Everything was silver and unknown, and he danced, entirely. Inexhaustibly. The night air gave him energy, the cool brushes of his partner's touch in the starlight feeding his hushed breaths.
"You'd rather dance with me than be me," she chuckled.
He tried to hold tighter to her hips, but they slipped out of his grasp as she spun away from him, whipping the breeze into a whirlwind of impossible silvered grace. Gwen had that smile that he loved and hated. The knowing one. But she didn't know. "No."
"It's true. You prefer to make me up than to see what I am."
The girl in his arms was slim and slight, and she fit into him like perfection. She was sinfully smooth but rough, and she smelled perfect.
Gwen looked wrong in the moonlight. Sharp and shadowed and pointed, and strange. His heart twisted. The smell of the air seemed to grow stale in his nose. Suffocating. Sour.
She was beginning to slip further from his hands. Her touches were more fleeting, but on the music tip-toed and slithered, and on he danced.
"That's not me."
It wasn't. Was it?
No matter how firmly it seemed he held her still to look at her, she always dripped away, out of his grasp.
"That's who you made."
No.
"I'll never be that."
"It's you I want."
She laughed. It was cold and made his gut twist so terribly. He was dizzy. Dizzy from spinning. Dizzy from the dance and dizzy from looking between Gwen and her.
"She's gone."
He searched the flickering shadows for the slippery shadow of her.
"I have to go."
No.
"No."
"Goodbye, Kili."
He wanted her. "No." She couldn't go. Not before he found her. He needed her. Needed her like water or air or the sunlight—
He had to find her. Then he could catch Gwen. Or her. Find her. Gwen. Her.
He woke, bathed in a cold sweat, muggy, musty air filling his chest. He felt fairly disgusting, but at least his headache had faded, and the dizziness was gone entirely. It was dark by now, and the air was filled with the sound of snoring. He could feel his gut aching with hunger, but he wouldn't be getting up for a snack at this hour. No. He needed to get more sleep. He rolled away from Fili, to his other side.
He both saw and felt that the space next to him was empty.
The mush of leaf mold was indented where Gwen's form used to be, but it was distinctly empty. In a flash, all thoughts of sleep were gone and he sat up so fast that he felt faint. That was no matter. He rose to his knees to get a better view, bidding the black spots clouding his vision leave so that he could see her.
Where had she gone? She had to be there.
His eyes locked onto a set of icy blue ones and he froze. "Uncle." Kili's voice was hoarse from disuse, but he tried his hardest not to sound surprised.
Thorin nodded in his direction but didn't say a thing. Kili picked up his water skin with a shaking hand, hoping that would help his thoughts from whirling so madly. The water cleared the awful taste of poor sleep from his mouth, but still left him frantically trying to think of where she'd gone. When he came up blank from that line of thinking, he stood, stepping over dwarves to reach his uncle. Thorin looked up at him dryly, waiting for him to speak.
"Where are the others?" Three were meant to be on watch. Thorin was the only one up. Kili had to admit that he was hesitant to ask about Gwen immediately. Hesitant or afraid.
"They couldn't stay awake," Thorin said coldly.
"You need sleep too," Kili observed.
Thorin made a sound of disagreement, and Kili silently cursed out his uncle's terrible stubbornness. It was going to get him killed someday.
"Where is she?" Kili asked at last.
"I don't know," Thorin said, his eyes darkening at the question.
"What?"
He shrugged. "She sat up awake for a while, then she stood, and walked away."
Kili was beyond aghast, and panic flooded him cold. "What? Thorin, why did you let her leave?"
"She didn't exactly ask my permission," he spat out, responding rather poorly to Kili's upset.
"She—She's alone?" Kili asked, horrified. Thorin didn't respond and Kili flexed his fingers, his heads whirling, his muscles twitching in anticipation. Not only that. A thousand unvoiced fears flooded his head. What if she had decided to run? What if she was hurt? What if she really was an elf and a traitor and this was the night she'd gone to-"Where did she go? Which way?"
Thorin reluctantly pointed up the path, and Kili stood, rushing off without another word. There was nothing to say. Nameless, incomprehensible worry and frustration and fear were swallowing him up from the inside out.
He needed her now more than he had ever thought he would need someone.
She was gone?
He barely heard his footsteps pounding the road, he was so consumed by his own panic, but he pressed on, using the branches hanging down on the side of the road as a support when the dizziness overwhelmed him. He had to find her. Had to catch up with her. There was only so much path for her to be on. He would run across her sooner or later.
The chilling thought occurred to him that this was a dream—or nightmare, rather. He pinched his arm, and it hurt.
It felt like an illusion but more painful than anything.
He couldn't tell if he was really losing his mind. If those shadows dancing along the path were there, or his imagination. If the muffled sounds of creaking or of footsteps were reality, or if it was his ears playing tricks on him. He couldn't trust his senses, couldn't trust his mind. All he could see was the path, under his feet, and that frantic, panicked need to find her before she could leave him behind.
"Kili?"
"Are you real?" he blurted out, stumbling to a stop. It took a moment for his eyes to catch up, but he took in what looked like Gwen. It could have been anything. She was tall and thin. Could be a shadow or a tree branch or an enemy or a figment of his mind—
"Kili, are you alright?"
Her eyes. He sloughed through the darkness until he found her eyes, and felt a shell of tension crack away as he looked at them. They were real. She was real. That part of her was real.
He focused on her eyes, not letting them slip his gaze. "You're real."
She was frowning. "Valar, Kili—"
He moistened his lips before he stepped forward, reaching up to her face, pulling her down to kiss her hard. He lost her eyes, but the heat of her skin was enough to ground him. He fell devastatingly fast back to earth—back to reality. His hands fisted in the texture of her hair, his lips moving desperately over hers as his heart flooded, thudding back to life. He could smell her and hear her and feel her, and she was there.
He found her.
They parted, panting. She had grabbed onto his wrists, and though they were only inches apart, he found her eyes again. They were dark and worried but they were hers. And she was his.
"Bloody hell, Kili."
He didn't respond, and instead, dragged both of them down into kneeling. His legs were too weak and shaking to work any longer. The mud-soaked into his trousers, but she was still there, points of warmth against the choking darkness. As long as he held onto her, onto her eyes, he was alright.
"I'm so sorry."
It was a genuine apology, and he nodded, accepting it. He wasn't completely sure what she was apologizing for, but as she said it, a weight lifted off his chest. "I know."
Her voice shook. "I'm so sorry."
There were beads of warmth splashing onto his hands, and he pulled one wrist from her limp grasp to clasp the side of her face, rubbing away her tears. "I know."
He only succeeded in smearing them around her face, but she leaned into the touch anyway. Kili settled his forehead against hers, letting his eyes fall closed. She shook with sobs, and it was all Kili could do to breathe, and let his mind sputter back into working order.
She was sorry. What for?
For running? For deceiving? For shouting? For hiding herself? For being unable to tell him?
Or perhaps, for all of those. Or none of them?
He forgave her though. He did.
With his muddled mind somewhat more in check, he pulled away slightly, keeping his hand cupping the side of her face. She sniffed and looked up at him. He tried to smile, but it came out weak. He wouldn't do her the dishonor of giving her a fake smile now. It was all darkness, save that prick of light, and that's what she would see on his face.
He pulled his sleeve over his hand. "Here." He did his best to wipe the tears off of her face. It was mostly a failure, but it was all he really could do. "Bilbo would swoon if he knew I didn't have a handkerchief to offer you."
She laughed. A real laugh that was coarse and shuddering, but it lit her face up through the tears. She pulled away from his hand, swiping at her running nose with her sleeve.
Kili let out a breath of those awful feelings as he took her in. Her eyes were swollen and red, her face flushed with crying, but she was smiling. That was enough. That was all he needed. "Gwen."
She looked up, and he took both of her hands, squeezing them as tightly as he dared. He wasn't letting her go. Swallowing all sense of propriety or reason, he began the string of thoughts that had been bubbling up in his mind. "This whole time, I've asked you to tell me. But I promised myself I would never tell you to. Never demand it." She nodded in understanding, and he pushed down his guilt. He needed this. "But I'm breaking that promise. I need you to tell me. I need to know, Gwen."
"I know," she said softly. "It's time." He nodded in agreement, and fell silent, watching her carefully. She was staring at some point past him, and her fingers tightened in his. "I know, I'm just…I can't."
"Yes, you can," Kili urged softly.
"I can't," she insisted, louder this time. "I'm afraid."
"Look at me," Kili said firmly. She couldn't help but obey, and he held her gaze. "I'm not going anywhere." He gave her hands a squeeze to remind her of where he was. "I promise. I'm right here."
"I know. It's just…if I say it, it makes it real, aye?"
Kili couldn't help but smile at the sound of his own words off of her lips. "I know," he assured her. "It's frightening. But it already is real. And I haven't run. And I won't." She nodded slightly, but the words stayed trapped behind her lips. Heartbeats passed. He finally urged, "Tell me, Gwen."
"I never lied," she admitted. "I never…As far as I know, I didn't. I never meant to…"
"I know," Kili said. "I believe you."
She nodded, her eyes flickering to his for affirmation. "I…My mother was as I told you. I didn't lie about her. She was a Rhunish woman. A human. But my father…" she gazed out at the forest around them. At the shadows, and the leaves and the strange noises. Her voice seemed tiny in comparison to its magnitude. "He was born and lived here, in this forest, until he met my mother. He was a Silvan elf." Kili didn't say a word but felt a tiny, almost nonexistent hope inside him die. While he was confident that he wanted the truth, and he half suspected he's known all along, she was right. Saying it did make it real. "Which, by blood means that I am a…Silvan elf." She struggled with the words but got them out. She whispered them as if they were a hideous secret.
They both took a moment to breathe and comprehend this. Kili wasn't sure exactly what he was feeling. It was too tumultuous a mix of things. Of feelings, of thoughts, but her hands were warm and rough and served to keep him there. Keep them connected. They were both squeezing so hard that their fingers hurt, but they couldn't loosen their grips, lest they both drift away.
"Like I said," Gwen got out. "I didn't lie. My father was forced to choose between his people and my mother, and he chose her. He was banished, and they fled to Rhun together. A few years later, I was born. I've only stepped foot in this forest once in my life," she explained. "That was one hundred and seventy-one years ago." Mahal below. That was quite a few years ago. She was old. "I swore I would never come back, but it appears the Valar had other plans for me."
She didn't see Kili's sympathetic look, but as silence fell, he found a way to break it. "How old are you?"
A rueful smile fell over her face and she looked almost sheepish as she admitted, "Four hundred and thirty-four."
It took him a long moment to fully take that in. Four hundred and…"That's older than Thorin," he breathed, not quite believing the words. The hands in his suddenly had more gravity. Over four hundred years old. "You're an artifact!"
This made Gwen laugh, the sound of it shattering any dour tension in the air. "You know how to flatter a lass, Master Dwarf."
At one time, Kili may have corrected her formality, but it sounded familiar on her tongue. He laughed at himself, still in awe. "Are you immortal?"
Gwen sobered slightly. "I am, right now, I suppose. It sounds curious when you say immortal. Really, I just won't die of old age."
"Right now?" Kili repeated.
"I don't know," she prefaced. "I'm not sure of any of it, but I've heard that the half-elven are given a choice."
"Between mortality and immortality?"
She nodded.
Kili whistled in awe. "That's quite the choice."
She chuckled. "Aye, I'm aware."
"What are you going to choose?" Kili asked, leaning in. Immortal…That was….So strange, but so incredible. She could still be alive at the end of all days. But then, wouldn't that mean she would outlive him by a few centuries? His heart twisted unexpectedly at the thought. Images of her, in ages to come, without him by her side flashed into his head and he cringed. He didn't like that one bit.
"I don't bloody know," she laughed, seeming taken aback by the boldness of his question. "I only recently learned about all of this. I haven't had time to think." As her laughter faded, she grew more contemplative. "I suppose…before, I didn't think I needed to even wonder. All I had was being alive, keeping myself alive from day to day. Escaping death gave me the energy to keep on living. Why would I choose to doom myself to death?"
"If that was before, what are you thinking now?"
She chewed on her lower lip. "I…I don't know."
She didn't know? Had things changed? He tried not to think too much about how he wouldn't mind being the one who changed her thinking.
She looked up at him sharply. "You have an excellent way of mucking things up, you know that, Master Dwarf?"
He couldn't help but laugh at that. "Oh, hush. You adore me anyway."
"I think I do, yes."
He froze. What.
What?
"What?"
She was straight-faced, but her eyes were glittering with something Kili couldn't name, a smile trying to tug at her lips. "I think I do love you." It looked like she was just realizing this, and this realization was making her smile. Through the puffy, swollen eyes, and sunken cheeks, she was managing to absolutely glow. "I might."
"Don't you mock me like this," he warned, trying to stamp down the viciously vibrant feeling bubbling up in him.
"I'm not!" she protested. She looked up at him with something akin to curiosity or pure panic. "Look, I'm just as shocked as you, but it…It may be true."
Kili was on a similar page. "Gwen, are you sure?"
"Do I sound bloody sure?" she said, sounding more and more frantic. "Kili, what do I—"
"I love you," he blurted out.
"You what?" she said, her eyes wider than he had ever seen. She took in a low breath as his words trickled into her head. "Why didn't you say something?" she hissed as loudly as she dared, once she finally understood. She sounded horrified, but there was a smile, unlike any Kili, had seen on her face.
"I…Look, Gwen, I—"
She ripped her hands out of his grasp, to hold her head, her eyes wide and panicked. "Valar, what have I done? What have we done? This is terrible—"
He grabbed her hands, stopping her from swaying or speaking and he held her gaze. "Gwen." She waited for him to speak, and he made sure it was completely true before he admitted, "I love you."
She still looked like she was thinking far too fast, and it sounded like she didn't want to tell him, but she said, "I love you too."
That was all he needed to hear. The exhaustion of the forest fell away and he was elated. Nothing mattered except the fact that she was looking at him like she loved him, and he knew he loved her. Kissing her was easier than anything. She was warm and she loved him. They parted panting in disbelief, holding onto each other.
They were breathless and panicked, and more than a little bit terrified, but they had each other.
Could this really be happening?
Once he had his thought more in order, Kili found himself saying, "Fili was right."
"You told Fili?"
"Not so much told," Kili amended. "He just…knew."
"How much does he know?" Gwen asked, her tone serious and worried.
Kili pat her hand that fell onto his knee. "Nothing about that. Don't worry."
She let out a relieved breath and sat back. In the space between them, Kili felt reality rush back into place a little more. They were still quite happily in their bubble of feelings but Kili was peering out through the bubble and he didn't like what he saw.
He looked back to the girl in front of him, who was beginning to peer out of their haven with equal trepidation. "Can I see them?" Kili asked softly. This was the final straw. He'd only seen her ears once, and it was silly, but…He felt like he had to see them again. His curiosity was too much.
Gwen understood what he meant immediately, and while she looked a bit uncomfortable, she pulled her hands away from him, lowering her scarf. She combed her loose hair back with her fingers revealing her slender neck, and of course, her ears. She shivered almost imperceptibly as he leaned forward to look.
It was curious. He'd thought about it for so long, imagined, remembered, but they really were just…ears. She had them adorned with worn-down gold and silver pieces, cuffs and piercings, and they were pale and pointed, following the sweep of her cheekbone. Delicate and not entirely out of the ordinary, if he was being honest. Something so simple, so small now, had plagued him for so long.
He'd pushed it away and panicked and demonized it, but then, it really was just a part of her, wasn't it?
She looked like she was afraid of what he would say, but he only smiled. "Beautiful."
"What?"
"They're beautiful," he repeated, genuinely.
She flushed and dropped her hair back down to cover them. Kili replaced her hands, reaching up to tuck the hair behind her ears. It was a way he wasn't used to seeing her, unshadowed and bare. It was strange, but he liked it. "You're beautiful and they're a part of you," he said, shrugging. "I like you, Gwen. And I hardly think the shape of your ears or the blood of your father could change anything like that."
"I don't deserve you." Her words were almost too quiet to hear, but they hit him hard in the gut.
"That's not true," he admonished. She started to protest but was cut off. "We quite deserve each other," he said gently. "I think we've earned each other at this point."
This made her smile, and he considered it a victory.
He simply watched her as her eyes slid closed. She just breathed, and Kili was amazed. She really was wonderful. And his. He thought, at that point, that he deserved to call her his.
Of course, every moment of peace had to come to an end sooner or later, and it seemed sooner was to be the choice of that moment. "What are we going to do?" She asked softly. Hopelessly.
Kili sighed. "About what?"
She cracked her eyes open. "Any of it? All of it?" He didn't have an answer but had to watch as fear flooded into her gaze. Fear, darkness, and a whole other wave of things he wished he could get rid of entirely. She shook her head. "This is bad. This is so terrible."
"No it's not," he protested weakly.
She didn't look angry, just hopeless. "I try not to lie to you; I would have you offer me the same courtesy, Master Dwarf."
He wanted to reply, but instead only found that pit deepening inside him. He wanted her to be wrong, but was she?
"I'll have to leave as soon as I can."
"What?"
"As soon as we're out of the forest. Once it's safe—"
"Gwen—"
"I have to leave before Thorin finds anything out."
"Gwen." She finally looked up at him, and he took hold of her hands again. "I told you I wasn't going anywhere, and I would have you offer me the same courtesy."
Even throwing her own words back at her couldn't get her to smile. "I wish it could be different, Kili."
She sounded defeated, and he wasn't going to have a single bit of that. "It can be. Gwen, you're talking like we're over when we haven't even begun."
"You speak so hopefully when there is no hope," she retorted.
"Aye, and it's getting tough to keep it up when you've already given up."
His words seemed to sober her, and she took a moment, running a hand through her hair, bringing it back down to hide her ears.
"I swore I wouldn't run. I swore I wouldn't go anywhere. So why are you trying to get me to?" he asked.
"Because I don't want to be the one to ruin you," she admitted, her fingers squeezing his.
"That's not your choice to make," Kili told her gently.
"But—"
"It's not," he continued. "That's my choice to make, and I've made it. Now, will you stop thinking the worst, and stay with me long enough for us to figure this out?"
She gazed at him with trepidation, and doubt. He felt only confidence though. Confidence in this choice. Fili had said it before and he was starting to agree. They could figure it out.
"Why?"
"Because this is worth it."
Because she was worth loving.
Silent voices fought in her for a few long moments. "It's a deal," she said at last.
"What?"
"It's a deal," she repeated. "I agree to stay and try to work it out."
Kili smiled, and dropped her hands, only to hold one out for her to shake. "It's a deal, love."
A slight smile lit up her face, and she took his hand, sealing their promise.
Well, I thought this was a fairly exciting chapter! I hope you liked it too. Pleaaase let me know what you thought, as I kind of had to wrestle with this one to try and make it work. So let me know what did and didn't work if you have a moment! Also, we are beginning to diverge from my last story plot-wise. Exciting stuff! I do hope you enjoyed reading this, and again, if you have a sec, I love comments/reviews. Love you all! Have a great week!
