Tony and Ziva being, well, Tony and Ziva, loosely inspired by a picture on tumblr and the prompt canoe.

I didn't feel like writing AT ALL today, because I'm not feeling well, but I saw the picture, which prompted a memory, and thought, lol, yeah that would be funny, I'll write a few lines of nothing but dialogue and call it a day...but then I couldn't stop writing and now I have an X-files plot reject on my hands.


"You said you knew how to canoe."

Her voice was testy and he realized he was heading into dangerous waters if he kept this up. At least she was talking again after he mentioned Deliverance one time too many.

"I swear to god, Tony, if you splash me one more time-"

He cut her off, "You'll what?"

"I will make it look like an accident."

He looked over his shoulder, only to be faced with a death glare and flaring nostrils. "Ha!" Surely this was one of her usual, empty threats.

"I will claim the boat tipped over, you drowned." Her indifferent tone was betrayed by the sparkle in her eyes.

He looked ahead to hide his smirk, and tried to ignore his muscles protesting the rowing. Next time a petty officer decided to get murdered in an inaccessible area he was sending in the probie.

At least this canoe had a seat, otherwise his knee would've killed him. Now he could leave the killing up to Ziva, he barely contained a chuckle. Ziva explaining how she was going to cover up his murder was still better than the silent treatment she had given him the past hour. "When they find my body, Ducky will-"

Her breath was suddenly in his ear. "If they find your body, I will say I must have accidentally whacked you over the head while we were both falling overboard." A shiver ran through him, not because of her words and his imaginary murder, but because of her close proximity.

He glanced her way, she moved back to her seat. "This reminds me-"

"If you mention 'Deliverance' one more ti-"

He splashed as much water as possible at her with his paddle. Good thing he had the common sense to put their gear in front of him, he didn't fully trust the dry bag McGee had given them.

The absolute silence that followed his splashing was eerie—at the very least he had expected a string of cussing by now. When he turned towards her, he noticed she had changed her grip on the paddle. That was not a paddling grip, that was a whacking grip. He swallowed.

Deciding it was time to de-escalate the situation he had created, he looked at her. She stared off to her right, completely motionless, brows furrowed, eyes narrowed.

"Tony." Her voice sounded uncharacteristically small.

"What?" He hoped the uneasy feeling in his stomach was due to the questionable breakfast burrito he had bought at the gas station on their way over here. He had spent enough time around Gibbs to know better.

"What…is that."

He followed her line of sight, saw what to his untrained eye looked like a brown bear near the river bank, and let out a breath. "Don't worry, we're safe here, I've never heard of bears attacking canoes on the water."

"Tony." She moved towards him slowly, practically gluing herself to his back, and whispered with conviction, her breath warm against his cheek, "That is not a bear."

He turned his face towards her, trying to look her in the eyes, but poking her with his nose instead. "What are you talking about? That's a bear."

She placed her hands on the side of his head and turned him back in the right direction.

The big, hairy creature lifted its head, and Tony squinted to get a better look. Ziva's hands slipped from his head. From the corner of his eye he saw her raise her phone and record the bear. He supposed it was a moment worth capturing, but couldn't help but tease her all the same.

"If you're thinking about working for National Geographic you're going to have to come up with something more interesting than a bear drinking OHMYGOD!" As the bear, which now clearly wasn't a bear, stood up straight, Tony scrambled backwards instinctively, crashing into Ziva.

She lost her balance, and her grip on the phone, both falling overboard with a loud splash. He briefly looked for her, found her breaching the water surface almost immediately and spitting out water, before focusing his attention back on the…he couldn't say it.

Tony stood up in the canoe, trying to balance his weight while fumbling for his own phone. The…bear…creature…appeared to grow even taller at this, clearly feeling threatened. It thumped its chest like a gorilla, and let out a series of bone chilling growls.

Instinct got the better of him once more, and as he tried to take a step back, he tripped over his seat and joined Ziva in the water.

When he came up for air, he instantly looked for the river bank, which was now empty. "Where is it?" He looked at Ziva. "Where did it go?" He looked back at the empty river bank, adrenaline rushing through his veins. "That was…b-bigfoot." He faced Ziva, out of breath, and asked, "Did you get it with your phone?"

She narrowed her eyes. "I did, before you made me fall overboard." The death glare and flaring nostrils from earlier were back. "And drop my phone." Grabbing the side of the canoe she hoisted herself back on board.

The fact that he had been treading water hadn't occurred to him until now. He pulled himself up as well, yet with more difficulty and no help from Ziva.

"Abby's going to kill us."

"No," she replied in the dangerous tone she had barely used the past few years. "I will kill you, Abby will help me dispose of your body." She looked around the inside of the boat, then at the water. "Where's that paddle…"