"Bellamy, how the hell am I going to make it 5 years. I came to Arkadia looking for food and water but all I found were ghosts" Clarke went quite and Bellamy could only sit there and wonder what she had found amongst the destruction.

"Part of me thinks Jasper had the right idea…what's the point if all there is, is pain and suffering.." Bellamy heard Clarke let out an unamused laugh, and even though he could here her desperation, feel it like it was as tangible as the floor beneath his feet he was glad she had survived.

"Real cheerful Clarke, sorry ignore me"

"Never again" Bellamy replied silently to the Clarke on the radio and he meant it in that moment he knew that he could never abandon her, even after everything that had transpired between them recently.

How could he truly hate her or even be mad at her for leaving him in the fitting pit when he himself left her to die in the flames of primefiya to protect his people and she had left him there to protect hers, to protect Madi and he knew no one was more important to her than her, so how could he blame her for doing the exact same thing he had done before her.

"I haven't had water in two days" she continued and only now could he hear the rasp in her voice, "I need to find some soon or I don't think I'm gonna…uhh anyway I doubt you can hear me on this piece of crap radio but incase this is the last time I get to do this I just wanna say please don't feel bad about leaving me here you did what you had to do. I'm proud of you Bellamy."

Guilt tugged at his mind again and his gut twisted painfully at her words flashing back to a conversation they had had years before.

"If you need forgiveness fine I'll give it to you, you're forgiven."

The truth ringing true in his mind. No matter what has happened in the past no matter what, Clarke had always forgiven him.

Shooting Jaha, trying to kill her when they first landed on earth, killing numerous grounders, leaving her on earth to burn, even in the end using Madi behind her back and countless of other occasions. She had always forgiven him and here he was still blaming her for doing what she thought she had to, to save the child she loved and sure it nearly killed him but for 6 years he thought he had killed her when she was making sure they could survive on the ring.

He could really be a selfish bastard sometimes…

As Bellamy was lost in thought the next message began to play and his heart broke, he'd never heard Clarke sound so….well broken, not when Finn died…not even when Lexa died, she sounded like she had nothing to hold onto, nothing keeping her afloat and he supposed at the time she probably didn't, she was completely and utterly alone.

"Bellamy…i-I don't know how much longer I can go on. I've been trying to dig a path to the bunker for what feels like a life time now but there's no point, I don't have the strength and even if I did the structure just keeps collapsing in on itself every time I think I am getting somewhere, it's hopeless like the planet is just willing me to give up, and even if It wasn't collapsing I hardly have enough water to give me a drop a day. I don't have the strength to dig. I'm going to have to walk across the dessert to see if I can find anywhere on this desolate shit hole that has water, I have the rover but I have no fuel, and nothing to substitute for it. I have to go on foot.

I probably won't survive the journey"

Clarke grew silent for what felt like an eternity before she spoke again.

"I hope I won't survive the journey, living in this world, completely alone, starving for the next five years even if it means seeing you again doesn't even seem worth it anymore. However my subconscious doesn't seem to agree just yet" she laughed humourlessly at her own twisted joke, "no matter how many times I try to end it I just can't make that final move, my heart seems to be surviving of blind hope to keep me alive. Who knows how much longer that'll last, who knows it might not be that and I might just be making myself suffer for everything that I've done in the past, God knows I deserve it, either way I just want it all to be over"

Bellamy's mind raced over the words Clarke had spoken, one line replaying over repeatedly.

"I just want it all to be over."

How many times had she tried to end her life….?

How many times did she nearly succeed?

All this time Bellamy just assumed that, yeah sure it had been difficult but Clarke was the strongest woman…hell strongest person that he knew, he assumed that not once could she have thought about this. In that one moment Bellamy never felt more ashamed of himself.

How self absorbed could he have been?

He had wondered how she survived the initial blast of primefiya had even tried to ask her about it but not once did he consider the time between surviving and finding survivable land. The time between surviving and finding Madi.

He should have tried to talk to her more, questioned her more about what she had to endure. He knew she was scarred but he had ignored this fact like she was a stranger, like she wasn't the very reason he had stayed alive for the past 6 years.

Bellamy leaned his head back against the cold metal of his seat and took a deep calming breath, his eyes blinking furiously as he tried to withhold the tears that threaten to spill.

He was a dick.

However his attempts to prevent himself from crying failed miserably as her voice echoed loudly, a stark contrast to the stillness of the room.

"So…I nearly did end it today I had a gun pressed right to my head and just as I was about to pull the trigger the most amazing thing happened Bellamy" and for the first time since arriving in the small, cold room he heard hope in Clarke's voice.

...

hey guys thanks for reading this chapter I'll try and upload the next one soon (hopefully tomorrow if this writers block vanishes)