Chapter Thirteen
Fallout
Chrollo's eyes flutter open to see Kurapika's bare back. His rosy skin would be a nice place for a tattoo along the echoes of his spine.
He smiles to himself, remembering the last night's tender passions, when his former enemy became his treasure in ways he never thought possible. In ways that made him think of hope and resurrection.
He stretches to alert Kura to his wakefulness. "Good morning."
Kurapika starts. He turns around with a sharp breath. His irises are crimson, and, to Chrollo's dismay, so are his corneas. "I can't."
"Can't?" Chrollo queries. His heart thuds, because he knows – he knows where this is headed.
"This is wrong." Kurapika grabs his pants, though not his tunic. He doesn't feel worthy to wear it. "I – I was lonely. That's all."
"Indeed. You kissed me, if I recall." Chrollo offers him a sly smile, because that's all he has. Kura had wanted him, and not just physically, he is sure of it.
"Stop it." Kurapika lurches away. "I hate you."
"You hate the idea of me, not me," Chrollo says, calm as always. Of course Kura feels embarrassed; lovers always do –
"Every moment I spend with you is another moment you stole from my family," Kurapika snaps.
Chrollo blinks. Oh. That's right. He robbed the world of one-hundred-twenty-eight Kurapikas. "Kura –"
"Just call me Kurta. I'm right, aren't I? That's why you nicknamed me?" Kurapika's rage at himself boils onto the man whose bed he's sharing. "Was it not enough just to slaughter my clan; now you need to slaughter my feelings, too? You're just a murderer."
For a moment they stare at each other, grey eyes meeting crimson as they fade to rusted brown blood.
Kurapika's mouth opens as he realizes just what he said. "Chrollo. I shouldn't –"
Chrollo holds up his hand. "You're not wrong, are you?"
He smiles bitterly as he brushes his hair out of his face. All his fantasies are as mystical as the books he drowns his feelings in. "Go. Be free of me. Make your family proud."
"But I –"
"Go." Chrollo knows he should back down. He should let Kurapika talk. But he can't – if he's reminded of his sins one more time, he'll drown in shame.
Because he caused this.
And he hurt the man he loves before he even knew he loved him. How many others could have loved if he hadn't killed them?
Kurapika rushes out, leaving his tunic behind for Chrollo to watch with his own glowing eyes. But instead of blood, his glow with ghosts.
"It has to be the Spiders, right?" Leorio slouches on Kurapika's bed. He cannot believe he was released from the hospital to find Kurapika missing. Dammit, he's not supposed to think much with his concussion, but all he can do is think and think and think anxious thoughts.
"None of them know, excepting us," Kalluto says, with a gesture towards Illumi, who stands with Hisoka in the corner.
"Could be someone angry about Tserriednich," Killua says.
"You're not calming me down, Killua."
"Maybe he's off getting some action," Hisoka jokes.
"Then he'll need help," Gon protests.
Hisoka bites his tongue to keep from snickering at Gon's perpetual innocence. "Okay. I'll ask the crew to keep a lookout."
"Mmm? Has anyone found Kura yet?" Alluka stirs.
"You're awake." Killua smiles.
"Nanika can find him," Alluka says, scowling at her brother. "If you're worried, next time, don't wait for me to wake up."
Killua is devastated. Has he been – overbearing? Has he been like Illumi?
Illumi looks away with discomfort as Nanika emerges. To his surprise, Hisoka's fingers brush against him, as if a measly attempt at comfort.
"He's just outside," Nanika says, retreating inside Alluka once more.
The doorknob turns, and indeed, a half-dressed Kurapika skids to a halt in the doorway. "You're – there's a lot of you here."
"We were worried about you," Gon says sincerely.
Kurapika flushes. "Well, I'm fine."
Hisoka has finally had enough. He guffaws. "You have an afterglow, Kurapika."
"Huh?" Leorio squints.
"What's that?" Gon frowns, and Killua winces.
Illumi glares at his husband. "Kalluto is in the room."
"Kalluto walked in on Milluki and his dolls a year ago," says Kalluto dully.
"No." Hisoka gasps. He rolls onto the floor, cackling and striking the boards. "You what? Oh my god. Oh my god. This is too perfect."
Illumi makes a mental note to execute some of Milluki's larger dolls.
"I still don't know what that is," says Gon.
"Nothing," Kurapika snaps, just as Leorio sidles up to him and slinks an arm around his waist.
"So, who's the lucky lady?"
Kurapika's breath comes quicker and quicker. "Uh."
"I don't think it was a lady, am I right?" Hisoka quivers with joy. He needs Kurapika to say it. He needs to hear these words. Oh, sweet God, what has he done to earn this much joy?
Kurapika pulls away from Leorio. "It – I – "
"I didn't realize, Kurapika," Leorio says quickly. "I hope I haven't offended you."
"I've offended me!" Kurapika bursts out. "I have! I – he's –"
"You had sex with Chrollo Lucilfer," Hisoka summarizes, finally taking pity on the flustered young man.
Killua turns as white as his hair, but he keeps his wits about him enough to clamp a hand over Gon's mouth.
Kurapika doubles over. "I'm a fool, Hisoka."
"No, you have eyes, pun intended. He's a beautiful man. I'd've banged him if I'd gotten the chance before getting married," Hisoka says, inciting Illumi's bloodlust. "Calm down, Illumi."
Illumi seethes. So Chrollo and the Kurta kid, those enemies, unmarried enemies, partook in intimacy before he and his husband did? This is hogwash!
Kurapika sinks onto his bed, head in his hands. He feels humiliated and undone. "I…never thought I'd be the first of us to do it."
"Who says I haven't?" Leorio blusters.
"Me," Kalluto sasses. "Most of the Hunter community, and many besides, saw your speech about wanking."
"Someone needs to restrict my brother's Internet access!" Illumi spurts.
"Okay, fine, but my point is, Kurapika, you shouldn't be ashamed." Leorio's face burns.
"My family's killer. I – made love – to him," Kurapika says in a strangled voice.
"Do you love him? Because murderers always make the best lovers." Hisoka rubs his hands together. "Right, Illumi?"
"I'm not a murderer. I'm an assassin." Illumi will not give Hisoka anything he wants right now.
"Assassins are, by definition, murderers," Killua says, and Kalluto nods.
"So am I, right? Vigilantes are killers, too." Kurapika pulls at his hair and screams. "I hate me!"
Hisoka winces. He is not able to tolerate heavy emotion well.
"Let's leave Kurapika with his friends," Illumi says, gliding towards the door.
"Alluka, I have a present for you in my cabin!" Kalluto pulls her out of the room and takes off down the hall, abandoning Illumi to his husband.
"Aw, you admitted Killua has friends," Hisoka teases.
Illumi grinds his teeth. "I suppose I did."
"It's cute." Hisoka dances closer to peck Illumi's lips. "And here's your reward."
"The Kurta spent quite a lot of time in your room." Machi's arms are folded. She's been waiting for Chrollo to exit his cabin for hours.
"So he did," Chrollo says evenly.
They fall silent. No one dares ask the question that lingers in the air.
"Don't you have something to ask?" Chrollo finally pressures.
"Why don't you just give me my answer, Danchou." Machi is well aware that she's in no position to judge, but at least Feitan is in the group. At least Feitan hasn't killed Uvogin and Paku.
"It won't happen again, I'm quite sure of it." Chrollo shakes his head.
"Did he break your heart?" Machi is aghast.
"I don't have a heart, remember?" Chrollo laughs feebly. He forces a smile, as if his heart isn't aching and that by lying he can make it true. After all, he's a murderer, murderer, murderer. "If – if I can get our enemy to trust me, why not go all the way?"
"You do have a heart, and we all know it." Machi sighs and offers her friend a wry smile. "I'm not going to fault your lonely feelings."
"You should find a boy sometime." Chrollo strokes his chin. "Though I'd have to approve him."
"Hey, who said I approved your dalliance with chain bastard?" Machi shakes her fist in his face.
"You didn't break in and kill him." Chrollo grants her a knowing smile.
"I can hunt him down now." Machi cocks her head.
"Please don't. We should…let him go." Chrollo looks at the ceiling. "Whenever we get off this wretched boat, anyways."
Mahi hesitates. "Uh…do you want ice cream? It's how I treat Kalluto's heartaches."
"As any a good doctor should," Chrollo says, relieved to stop discussing Kurapika.
"I'm a disgrace," Kurapika gasps, blowing his nose in the handkerchief Leorio offers him. "I – I couldn't save them, I can't even find their eyes without hurting people, and I do it willingly, I hurt people and I call it necessary, and I can't even resist the charms of the man I vowed to kill."
He presses a shaking hand over his mouth and shrieks.
"I've been waiting for this breakdown a while," Leorio comments.
"Huh?" Kurapika sniffles.
"You're a person, Kurapika." Killua slides over to place a hand on his shoulder. "You're one person atoning for over a hundred family members you didn't even fail."
"But I did. I did fail them. I failed Pairo," Kurapika insists. "I couldn't even take back his eyes."
"Did you find them?" Gon asks.
"Chrollo gave them to me." Kurapika's face crumples. "They're still in his room."
"Did he ask for payment?!" Leorio's face turns purple with premature rage.
"No, I – I just wanted to. I wanted to stop caring and pretend I could move on," Kurapika whines.
"You can't." Gon says.
"Gon?" Killua waits.
"You can't move on. You feel like you lost a part of yourself then, and those pieces aren't replaceable." Gon's eyes shine with tears. "But maybe there are other pieces that can substitute. Differently. But maybe it'll still turn out okay in the end."
"What are you saying?" Kurapika stops trying to dry his face. He lets his tears and snot dribble onto his shirt.
"I don't mind Chrollo. I want to learn about restoring Nen from him, so I guess you could say I'm selfish, too." Gon looks at his hands. "But I think you can learn from him, too, Kurapika. And he has even more to learn from you."
"I don't think you're upset because you hate him; at least, not entirely. You're upset because you hate yourself for liking him," Killua muses.
"What will you regret, Kurapika?" Leorio asks gently. "Never speaking to Chrollo again? Would Pairo want you to suffer?"
Kurapika shivers. He doesn't want to think about what his friends and family would want. Because they'd call him corrupted by the world long before they called him a traitor. And now damaged, tainted by making love not only to a man he's not married to, but to their killer.
"We're always going to help you, Kurapika." Gon pinches Kurapika's hand.
"Kurapika," Killua says, grabbing his friend's face. "Look at me. And forget everything expected of you. Forget everything and everyone else right now."
"And?" Kurapika looks lost.
"Do you like Chrollo Lucilfer?" Killua swallows as Kurapika stammers.
"Let me rephrase." Killua hates confronting this part of himself. Because the enemy he can never defeat is his past, but he fights it all the same. "In another world, would you want to be his friend?"
"In another world…yes, I suppose," Kurapika says.
"That's what I used to tell myself during the hunter exam. In another world, I could be all of your friends. And then you made that other world reality despite my sins." Killua smiles from his eyes. "Now we're going to make you your other world."
"We can't raise the dead," Leorio says slowly.
"No, but we can do our part to gather the eyes."
Gon points at Kurapika. "Don't protest anymore! We're going to, like it or not."
Killua nods. "And that's also why we're going to make you talk to your friend Chrollo by tonight at the latest."
"Don't freak out," Machi begins as Feitan closes the cabin door behind them.
"Freak out?" Feitan is puzzled. She's wearing the same bra as yesterday. It's sexy, but he can control himself.
"Danchou is also seeing someone."
"Yay," Feitan says flatly.
"The Chain Bastard."
Feitan does a double take. "That why he took the eyes!"
"I know." Machi slides off her bra. "Anyhow, the Bastard seems to have called off his vengeance, so some good will come of it."
"It must be for the Troupe," Feitan says. There's no other explanation. Because they can't kill Hisoka, they'll kill the Chain Bastard. He trusts Danchou.
"Right." Machi's instincts tell her that it's more than that, that Danchou actually feels something, and seemed despondent at the Kurta's rejection. But she'll let Feitan stay ignorant for now. "Don't tell the others for now."
"The ship would ignite from the smoke coming out of Nobunaga's ears," Feitan says. But still. If Chrollo is hurt again, he will skin the brat himself. "What do you think?"
"My instincts tell me he's safe for now. That doesn't mean I'm not worried." Machi extends her hand to pull Feitan into bed.
"And here I thought we were irresponsible." Feitan rolls onto the bed and pulls her atop him. "I bet we have more fun."
It's been quite the day. The Spider got laid, Hisoka did not, and they're nearing the Dark Continent.
Hisoka enters his room humming to himself. He has no doubt Illumi has prepared an assault of 'just imagine Chrollo getting more than you,' and to be honest, he might just surrender at this point. Maybe he can teach Illumi about sex as fun, not a transaction.
Illumi ceases his pacing in the middle of their small cabin. "Hisoka. Something terrible has happened."
"Kurapika and Chrollo fucked? I think it's great," Hisoka says suggestively.
Illumi resumes his pacing. Hisoka is frankly unsure if his husband is speaking to him, or to himself. "No, no, no. Now one of Killua's friends has had sex. I didn't think he'd need it this early, but what if Kil gets curious?"
Hisoka suddenly realizes where this is going. "Wait."
"I can be the big brother again! I must talk to him!" Illumi claps his hands and, before Hisoka can react, dashes out of their room.
"Jesus whom I've never spoken to before: have mercy." Hisoka flies after Illumi. Maybe God will wait to strike him with lightning until he's done saving Killua from whatever disaster Illumi has not planned.
Kurapika feels dizzy as he raises a sweating palm to knock on Chrollo's door. He feels Gon, Killua, and Leorio's gaze from around the corner, and while he knows they're there because they love him, he just hopes for once someone hates him as much as he hates himself.
Chrollo opens the door. He holds out the case of eyes, as if he's been expecting him. "You have a distinctive knock."
He fixates on the floor.
But Kurapika doesn't take the eyes.
"I suppose you'll want your tunic, too?" Chrollo taps his foot.
Kurapika croaks.
Chrollo looks up at him, as if for a moment he felt the hope he's forbidden himself.
Kurapika draws in a raggedy breath.
"I hate you." Let's begin with that.
