Her head buzzed. She couldn't sleep. The memory of Galinda's lips on hers ran through her head over and over and over.
She'd kissed her. Elphaba. Galinda had kissed her.
It was more than she'd ever dared hope for.
And that was why she had to ruin it.
It couldn't last. She knew it wouldn't last. Nothing good ever lasted for her, and if she cut it off now, she'd spare herself the pain and heartbreak of later. She couldn't, wouldn't let it go farther. It was one kiss, a mistake, easily written off.
It meant nothing.
But the tears on her cheeks burned like it did.
On the other side of the room, Galinda lay awake, her eyes open, back to Elphaba.
Oz, what had she been thinking?
She hadn't. That was the problem. She'd wanted Elphaba's lips on her own and so she'd kissed her back when she should have pulled away, should have thought about what everyone else would say about her.
She brought her fingers to her lips, like she could still feel Elphaba's face near her own.
And lying in the dark, all she could think was how badly she wanted to kiss her again.
She shouldn't have kissed her.
She left the dorm room early the next morning, before Galinda even woke. She needed time and space to clear her head, to not be in the same room as the blonde. The grounds of Shiz were quiet. A fine dew coated the grass, and Elphaba was grateful for the sturdiness of her boots as she crossed to the library.
But when she pulled on the door handle, it was locked. Frustrated, she kicked at the door.
An echo came from inside. The sound of something whirring. Elphaba immediately flattened herself against the stone exterior—though how much good would that do, really? Black clothing and green skin on white walls.
The door clicked. And just when she was certain she was going to be found, someone called her name from across the courtyard.
"Miss Elphaba!"
It was Doctor Dillamond, crossing the grounds. Even from her spot she could see bits of pastry stuck in his fur.
"Doctor Dillamond," she said, and nearly raced across the lawn, not daring to look back at the library.
"Come to my office," he said, putting a hoof on her shoulder and steering her decidedly away from the library.
She hadn't interacted with Doctor Dillamond much outside of their time in the classroom or her time as his research assistant. Their interactions up to this point had been strictly academic, political, even, as they discussed the implications of his research and the ever-increasing ban on Animals.
She followed the Goat to his office. In the light of early morning it was more cluttered than she was used to, papers and pens strewn everywhere.
But Elphaba was used to making herself unseen, so she found a spot where there were fewer papers and awkwardly perched there.
He didn't ask her what she'd been doing wandering the grounds early in the morning. He cleared a few papers off his desk, rummaged around.
"Tea?" he asked, holding out a chipped mug.
"No thank you," Elphaba said. "The water, I…"
"Ah, yes. A curious allergy, I believe you've mentioned it before."
"It comes with the abnormal skin, I suppose," she said. "I'll have milk if you have any."
"I do not, unfortunately."
He smiled kindly at her. Doctor Dillamond was one of the few people who didn't flinch away from Elphaba's harshness, and she found herself smiling back. These days, the only people who didn't flinch from her were him and…
Galinda.
She didn't want to think the girl's name but there it was all the same.
She folded her hands in her lap, looked up at the Goat, who was stirring his tea and studying her the way he typically studied his work.
"Is something troubling you, Elphaba?"
He'd never had use for the honorific, not with her.
"I… the library," she blurted out suddenly, if only to keep herself from talking about her roommate. "It was locked, and normally it isn't, and when I was in there the other week that thing was in there. It's curious, isn't it?"
Doctor Dillamond made a sound something between a bleat and a snort.
"Curious? Come, Elphaba, you're far more intelligent than that."
"Sinister, then," she corrected. "But I don't… forgive me but I don't see why she's got that thing lurking around the Crage Hall library. It's the only one open to women, therefore there's not a lot of information…"
The Goat studied her, smiling. "Yes, Elphaba, but it's the only library open to you."
"Me?" The green girl threw back her head and laughed, a sound close to a cackle. "And what am I? A girl, nothing more."
"If you believe that you are doing a disservice to yourself," the Goat said.
"Forgive me, sir, but that's all I've been raised to believe," she challenged. "Hell and Oz, I didn't even believe I was a girl until recently. I thought I was just a thing, a spirit, sprung fully formed."
Doctor Dillamond laughed. "Then you must find someone to believe in you when you can't."
Elphaba's cheeks flushed a darker green.
"Why?" she asked. "If what you say is true, Morrible views me as a threat. Why drag anyone else into that?"
"Because if you try to do this alone you will fail."
"Try to do what alone?"
Dillamond took his glasses off, polished them like he was stalling. "My dear, what do you think we've been working on together all these months?"
"Research?" she ventured. "You haven't been incredibly forthcoming. And to be frank, I haven't understood much of it."
Dillamond stood. "My research, Elphaba—that you've been helping with—would prove that there is no difference between the Animal and human brain. It would prove the Wizard's Banns ineffective. It would, in essence, prove the Wizard ineffective." He polished his glasses again. "You must have picked up by now how Morrible is the Wizard's spy. She is more dangerous than she looks."
"Yes, sir, but what—what does this have to do with me? I…"
"Do you know why I picked you?" He asked. "To help with my research, I mean."
Elphaba was silent. She pulled her sleeves over her hands. The intensity with which Dr. Dillamond was looking at her was making her uncomfortable.
"Because," he continued. "You think. Out of everyone at this blasted university, you are one of the few who questions, who challenges authority. That is an admirable quality."
"So you're saying I'm stubborn and obstinate, then," she grinned.
"Precisely." The Goat grinned back.
Elphaba glanced at the clock above his desk. "Unfortunately, I do need to get to lectures."
"Yes, well. Wouldn't want to keep you from your education. Do you plan on helping me this week? We may be on the verge of something here."
"Of course," she said. She stood, gathering her cloak and turning for the door.
"Oh, Elphaba?" Doctor Dillamond called just as she'd reached the door to his office.
She turned. "Sir?"
"If there's anyone you can trust with this information, I suggest you do so. The time is too dark now to continue without friends."
Shame burned in her chest as she thought of Galinda.
"And Elphaba?"
"Hm?"
He looked at her over the rim of his glasses. "Don't push her away because you want to keep her safe. It never works, in the end."
The gaze he leveled her with was full of meaning, and she turned away from his accusing stare before she could think too hard about what it meant.
Her head was swimming with thoughts as she left Doctor Dillamond's office. Thoughts about Galinda and Morrible and taking down the Wizard—
It was all too much.
So consumed was she she didn't even see Boq walking towards her, not until she'd bumped into him and knocked several books out of his arms.
"Oh, I'm—Oh. It's you," she said, watching him scramble to pick up his texts.
"I suppose if it were anyone else you would have apologized and offered to help," he said, disgruntled.
"Perhaps, though I still haven't forgiven you for assuming you know me."
"But I do," he began, and straightened up. He barely came up to her shoulder, and his fair, sandy hair was mussed like he hadn't slept. She almost took some pity on him. "No matter how you want to deny it, we did play together as children in Rush Hardings."
She waved a hand in the air. "My memories of childhood are hazy at best. Though perhaps it's true. I am sorry I bumped into you," she added, almost as an afterthought.
They stood under a stone archway connecting two of the Crage Hall buildings, the early morning wind whistling through the arches. Elphaba pulled her cap lower over her hair, her braid whipping behind her. The pages rustled in Boq's arms.
"Where are you coming from so early?" he asked.
"A meeting with Doctor Dillamond."
"Oh, you will have to tell me what he's like, one of these days. Is he as brilliant as everyone says?"
"More so," she responded. "Why he picked me I have no idea." The lie almost stuck its way in her throat. "And what are you up to?"
He shrugged. "Going to the library. I'm afraid I'm behind in everything."
She thought of the locked library door, the frightening mechanic whirring of Grommetik every time she stepped foot in there. "Not the Crage Hall one? It's locked."
He gave her a puzzled look. "No. Briscoe."
"Ah. The one open only to men," she said, spitting the words out of her mouth with acidity.
"I could get you in, if you like," Boq said. He looked down at his books as he said it, as if he were issuing the invitation to them. "Only if you do something for me."
"Always a price, isn't there?" she said. But her tone wasn't light, or teasing. Just matter-of-fact. Elphaba's world existed in treaties and bargains and debts to be paid. "What do you want? I'm not a sorceress, I can't make you look less like a frog."
She regretted the words when she said them, and he flinched, but looked up at her appraisingly. "Could you introduce me to Miss Galinda?"
Galinda's name burned like fire through her chest. "Whatever for?"
"Come, Elphaba, you're not that dense," Boq said, almost pleading.
"Forget it, I'll find another way in," she said. "I'll seduce Master Avaric if I have to, I'm sure he'd be open to the thought."
"Elphaba…" Boq reached out, placed a hand on her elbow. She started at the contact but didn't pull away. "Just an introduction. It's harmless, really."
"What do you hope to gain out of an introduction, Boq?" she asked. "She's my roommate. It's not like I know her well, not like I have some ability to magic the two of you together."
He nodded. "I know. But with you there, it'd be less of a buffer. Less awkward, I suppose."
He wasn't going to take no for an answer, she knew. But Oz, she didn't want to do it, she just wanted to keep Galinda to herself, just wanted—
She just wanted to kiss her again.
