W A Y W A R D S
A N D
E P I P H A N I E S
We all have different things keeping us awake.
Whether it be the burnt toast we left a minute over at the toaster this morning, the only point we missed to pass the trigonometry exam, the secret our friends promised they'd tell us but they never did, the answer to last month's riddle, the thoughts running rampant on our brains unrelenting, or maybe our emotions running high or the crippling paranoia or the — the... the what? What else? What more? When we can't blame our restlessness on anyone, anything anymore, who — what — will we blame?
Who will we burden?
Ourselves.
We're awake because we want to be.
We're awake because we think something's wrong, that we haven't figured out something yet and we have — need — to know what it is, because what are we even living for? For life? For just existing? Our eyes are wide open because unconsciously, we want to find our purpose. Oh, you've figured out how to do that mackerel dish? Congratulations! Now find another thing to live for.
It's a cycle of inevitability, it's something that will go round and round and round until you realize that you don't know why you're standing on that airport taking a plane, why you're eating that ice cream you bought three blocks down, or why you're even breathing when you know that eventually you'll be gasping, grasping for air and the life you don't know why you crave and it's— it's so ridiculous.
Not a lot of people think of it as such, but Kaya does. She does because she keeps finding herself going back to a piece of tobacco and why? Is it her only excuse to keep herself on the surface? Is it what kept her awake, alive, aware?
She doesn't know.
She doesn't know.
She doesn't know and it fucking hurts.
And the funniest thing about that?
She doesn't even know too why it hurts so much.
- - -
A pool of water formed on Yoake's tiles. A pale green bucket that fell over beside it, in front of it a lilac haired store owner and behind it a blond with a scowl on his face.
Kaya thought this was honestly a good idea, by the way. Katsuki working on Yoake even for a short time? Wonderful! What could just go wrong, right?
"You purposely kicked that bucket, didn't you?"
The boy in question huffed, "No I fucking didn't."
"Then who kicked that bucket?"
Katsuki cocked an eyebrow and sneered, "Maybe the bucket kicked itself."
"The bucket isn't a 'who', Katsuki-chan."
"Even if you die I did not kick that damned bucket!"
Time to bring out the big guns, Kaya thought, "I saw you kick it. With my own eyes. My very pretty eyes, thank you very much."
"You have no proof."
Kaya internally rubbed her temples. She opened the drawer near the counter and held out Yoake's signature cap that every employee, part-time or not, had to wear but Katsuki very politely declined it, ("What the fuck is that? No shit I'm eating my intestines before I wear that hideous satan cap— no, no, get that the fuck away from me, you bitch— no, stop you absolute fu—") though he wore the standard uniform, only the sleeves are rolled and the first few buttons are undone.
The cap instantly exploded and Kaya reeled back from it, dropping it in the process.
"You just blew up the cap! The precious, beautiful Yoake cap!"
"I did the right thing."
"Nevermind, you know? We have so many spares and — "
The employee room snapped open abruptly, a ruffled looking Yoru and blinking Jinks, the remaining Yoake staff, emerging from it.
"What happened, Kaya-chan?"
"... Fireworks."
"What?" said Yoru.
"And who's this new guy? Why's he on the unif?" followed Jinks.
"Wait, what fireworks?"
"Just a part-time guy, he's Katsuki-chan! Best friend of mine!"
"Oh. Okay, then. Counter duty?"
"Sort of."
"Nice. I see it's nothing so I'll be dragging Yoru out with me now, bye, Kaya-chan!"
"Uh, what fireworks? Excuse me am I the only one who heard that— "
The door was shut instantly and locked, the hushed voices and footsteps disappearing completely.
Katsuki squinched at Kaya, a grimace pulling at his face, "The hell do you mean, fireworks? My explosions are nothing like those shit— "
"Oh smokes, just step away from the bucket and let me mop the water off, please?"
Katsuki was somehow hopeless in this. Intentionally, anyways. Kaya knew he could do his job right if he actually tried not being an asshole but asking Katsuki not to be an asshole's a tougher job than flying to the moon and back. He was bearable, at least. When he wasn't making silly, petty acts of pissing Kaya off (which never happened, Kaya was wholly amused by the whole ordeal), he was just standing beside her in the counter, uniform and all, glaring at the customers and Kaya always stepped in before he could scare them away.
He was restrained, at some extent, well, until..
"What the fuck do you mean you're buying this Extra Hot ramen?"
"I.. um, I just.. want to eat.." The man swallowed, "to uh, eat a ramen?"
"Eat another ramen then."
"But I like the uh.. Extra Hot one, sir?"
"How about no."
If you look at it in Katsuki's perspective, it was the only Extra Hot flavor left at Yoake and that loud woman did promise him a free ramen after this, didn't she? So this jackass ain't getting anything. Nope. Not while he's around.
Kaya blinked, recovered, then smiled amiably at the undoubtedly uncomfortable and scared out of his wits customer, "Sir, I'm sorry for his... well, for him. You can get it." and before Katsuki could burst, Kaya whispered, "I'll just buy you this flavor somewhere, Katsuki-chan."
Kaya quickly scanned and took the urgent customer's money then gave him his correct amount of change, and she watched in stifled laughter as the man scampered off the store hurriedly. Katsuki was only a little bad for business. Just a little.
"Where's my ramen now, woman."
"Later."
"No. Now."
Kaya stared at the blond, scanning his features to see if he was serious about that or not, only to sigh when she found his expression genuine.
"Alright, wait," Kaya cupped her hands between her mouth and shouted, "Yoru-san! I'll be leaving for a bit! Watch over Katsuki-chan for me!"
Yoru yelled back, "Will I know what the fireworks meant — "
Kaya didn't let him finish as she headed for the door, "Thanks!"
- - -
Kaya wasn't attempting to restock the Extra Hot ramen until tomorrow, so she settled for just buying one or two at another convenience store some place near.
Eleven turns later, Kaya found a small store in the alleyway and didn't waste time on heading for it — that was until tiny hands grabbed the hem of her shirt, pulling her back a little.
When she turned to see who grabbed her, she saw a kid, looking not older than ten, staring up at her with wide, green eyes that immediately fell in disappointment when she saw Kaya's face.
"I.. I'm sorry, Nee-san! I thought you were mommy 'cause, you have her hair an' all..."
The little girl looked like a kicked puppy that it unnerved Kaya. A lot.
"It's okay, where's your mother, then, dear?"
"We separated.. this place's sooo dark sometimes, you know, Nee-san? I kinda let go of mommy's hand.. I'm Meiko!"
Kaya smiled warmly, "Yes, it's dark sometimes, isn't it? Nice to meet you, Meiko-chan. I'm Kaya."
Seiko's eyes shone and she beamed, "Kaya? Cool! Mommy's named Kaya too! Said she didn't wanna get daddy's sir.. sur? surname, I think, I don't really know. You're like twinsies in cartoons, awesome!"
And Kaya stilled.
She stared at the little girl for seconds, noting that her shade of hair was too much like her own.
Lilac.
Didn't she say her 'mommy' had Kaya's hair, too?
Maybe she was just being paranoid. Maybe she was overthinking it but —
"Aa.. Meiko-chan, what's your mommy's name?"
Please not her, pleasepleaseplease—
"Kaya Missa!"
—no.
Kaya's breath hitched, her pupils dilated and suddenly she lacked air. Breathe, Kaya, breathe, she told herself, chanting a nice, warm reminder in her head that no, it couldn't be, just no — her mother was dead, Missa was dead — she couldn't be alive and had left Kaya all alone please, please no. (But a body was never found, that day, after all.)
"Nee-san..?"
"How.. how old are you?"
"Eight.. my mommy said I was.. why, Nee-san?"
Her mother, Kaya Missa, was reported dead together with her father, Kaya Hiroto, eight years ago.
And fuck. Fuckfuckfuck this can't be happening— why would she leave her all alone, broken and sad and hurting, when she could've came back and even without her father— father. Realization dawned on Kaya and she choked out a sob, her mother was having an affair, oh God that's why they were fighting all the time even without Kaya involved — stop, stop, stop, stop it.
Why did she never notice? Not even a small bump on her stomach? Why did she have to leave her like that?
Kaya let go of the little girl (who took away her mother, her only remaining hope, her sunshine, her light, her guide, her way, her everything), and shakingly placed both her hands at her sides.
"I'm sure.. you'll find your mother on your own well enough, Meiko."
Meiko.
Mei.
Kaya gave a bitter laugh, recalling her first name — Tsumei.
She even named the girl after her.
And oddly she didn't feel honoured. She felt replaced.
This would surely, surely keep her awake.
- - -
Kaya went back to Yoake shaking and shuddering. Her shoulders were hunched, her senses driven out her body, and everything felt so heavy — too heavy.
Katsuki snapped his gaze up when the chime rang and Kaya stepped in.
"Where the fuck's my ram— "
Katsuki pursed his lips and scanned the usually vibrant, loud, obnoxious woman just.. standing there. Kaya's eyes looked haunted. Her hair was disheveled and everything about her right now was wrong. Katsuki just knew this wasn't the same person that shamelessly invited him to be her regular — it just couldn't be.
He walked past an appalled Yoru and placed both his hands on Kaya's shoulders unsurely, not quite knowing how to do this. She shuddered, and then buried his face in Katsuki's shoulders. She was quivering, and he could feel all the ragged breaths she took, one by one. Hurriedly, quickly, promptly, like she was getting out of breath anytime soon.
"Oi, woman, what the hell's wrong?"
Then, head rested on his shoulder, Kaya cried.
And it felt awful.
- - -
to CLEVERLU's review, thank you very much! im glad you felt something from all the shit i wrote and i an so honoured that you appreciate this story just the way it is. your review made my day, you're amazing. thank you, thank you, really. that would keep me going.
