As Rebecca rode the elevator up to the office, she mentally prepared herself for the inevitable onslaught of questions and overbearing well-wishes from her office mates. It was her first day back at work and she was a bundle of nerves. Unable to merely stand still, she used the reflection of the elevator doors to smooth down her unruly curls and make a final bra adjustment. She knew Nathaniel would have her back in scaring off the hoards. They agreed not to broadcast their relationship until the dust settled, but yelling at everyone to get back to work was business as usual for him, and she planned to use that to her advantage.
In addition to her first-day jitters, Rebecca was also on edge from the hormones she began injecting the night before. Like many of her decisions since she moved to West Covina, donating an egg to Darryl was an impulsive one. She convinced herself that the good deed was no big deal and would barely be a blip on the radar of her life. At least that's how she justified not telling Dr. Shin and Nathaniel. Dr. Shin told her to focus on helping others and that's what she was doing! He didn't need to know every little detail about her life, right? But as her body started to burn up and she could feel the hormones start to take effect, she worried she couldn't keep it a secret from Nathaniel for much longer.
When the elevator doors opened, she made a quiet beeline for her old cube and tried not to draw any undue attention to herself. At her desk she found a takeaway coffee cup, still hot, with "Welcome back, Bunch" written on the side in Nathaniel's unmistakable scribble. A small sip confirmed that it was a chai tea latte, her favorite. What an adorable dork.
She looked up into Nathaniel's office through the glass, hoping to catch his eye, but he was meeting with Darryl and the door was shut.
Just then Paula walked up to her desk from the break room with two paper plates. "Hey, welcome back. I grabbed a s'mores donut for you before those other animals could get their paws all over them." Wow, how lucky was she to have these two adorable dorks?
Rebecca picked up the donut and smelled it. "Ah, it's like I never left. Thank you, Momma."
"You're welcome, my dear. Hey, that's cute," Paula remarked, pointing at Rebecca's coffee cup.
"Yea...oh, we're still keeping that on the down low for now, so shhhh."
"Got it. Honey, you are sweating up a storm," Paula said, pointing a finger and making a swirling motion around Rebecca's face.
"Am I?" Rebecca wiped her forehead. "Oh god, it's the hormones. It's starting."
Nathaniel's office door opened and he stuck his head out. "Miss Bunch, can you join us please?" His face and tone of voice had none of the tenderness and care she had become accustomed to over the past two months and it was a little jarring to see him back in this work mode.
When Rebecca entered Nathaniel's office, Darryl greeted her with a hug. "Rebecca, I'm so glad you're back! Happy first day! I was just telling Nathaniel about how you started the injections yesterday. I'm so excited for our little miracle!" He reached out to touch her abdomen but then thought better of it and pulled his hand back. "Anyway, I'm so happy you're here. I have some names ideas to bounce off of you later."
Rebecca's eyes went wide and then darted between Darryl and Nathaniel. "Um…" she began.
Nathaniel cleared his throat, "Rebecca, you're going to be joining us on the class action suit. I want you to work closely with Darryl this week to get up to speed and then take the lead if this goes to trial." She nodded. "Darryl, I need to speak with Rebecca alone now."
"Got it, boss. Just come by my office when you're ready to start," Darryl said to Rebecca as he skipped out of the office.
"Nathaniel…" she started as soon as the door closed.
"Let me get this straight. You are donating your eggs to Darryl so that the two of you can have a baby together?"
"Not exactly. I mean, the baby won't be mine. Listen, I was going to tell you."
His jaw clenched. He looked so tightly wound she worried he might break a blood vessel. "Great, well, thanks for letting me hear it from Darryl. Now get back to work. And stop sweating all over my office! Did you just run a marathon? Actually, I take that back, maybe you took a walk around the block?"
Rebecca couldn't help but get defensive at his derisive tone. "Hey buddy, it's my body. I can do whatever I want with it and I don't need permission from you!"
"Whatever, just get out of my office!" He stood and pointed to the door.
"Fine, it's too hot in here anyway!" She stomped back to her cube and flopped back down in her chair, all the while wiping the excessive sweat from her forehead.
Paula, noticing her dramatic exit, rolled her chair up to their shared cubicle wall. "What just happened?"
"Nathaniel was really not nice to me back there," she said, patting her forehead with a napkin. "I mean, to be honest, it was also kinda sexy. Like I wouldn't be opposed to him throwing me down on the desk and..." On Paula's horrified expression, Rebecca immediately backtracked, "Sorry, too much. These hormones are also making me really horny. Anyway, he's mad I didn't tell him about donating the eggs."
"You didn't tell him you were donating your eggs?! Rebecca, you're going to be jacked on hormones the next 10 days and then you're creating a life with another person! That's a big deal!"
"Hey, you're supposed to be on my side!"
"Sweetie, I am on your side. Always. Just…"
Rebecca rested her forehead against her two pointer fingers. "I know, I know. You're right. I should have told him."
A welcome brigade of Jim, Tim, and Maya, all wearing bright pink party hats, interrupted their conversation. Nathaniel was certainly not going to provide any backup and she swore she saw a hint of a smug grin on his face.
Later, after work, Rebecca dropped by his apartment, prepared to eat crow. Nathaniel answered the door still in his work clothes, his face still tense and drawn.
"I'm sorry," she said, launching right into it before he could even greet her. "I'm supposed to be doing the honesty thing and I already fucked up. I'm sorry."
He looked down at his feet and sighed. "Ok, come in." He moved aside so she could come in, and she noticed his laptop was open on the kitchen counter, filling the room with blue light.
"Sorry, if you're still working, I can…"
"No, no, let's talk." He gestured for her to sit on the couch with him. He loosened his tie and dragged his hand over his face. "I'm sorry too. I know I wasn't the nicest person to you today. When you came to my office, Darryl had just told me the news and...if we're being honest, the thought of you having a baby with someone made me feel all kinds of strange feelings."
"That's fair. I guess I should have realized that you may have feelings about this too."
"Why are you doing this?"
That was the million dollar question, wasn't it? "You probably won't be surprised to hear that it was a spur-of-the-moment decision. Dr. Shin told me to focus on aspects of my life that don't involve romantic relationships. So I've been doing this thing where I try to help my friends. I helped Valencia plan that engagement party...or, at least, I tried to help. And then when I saw how upset Darryl was when his other egg donor didn't work out...in the moment it seemed like the right thing to do."
"I mean, it is a great thing you're doing for Darryl. But...what does it mean for you when the baby comes?" His face was etched with genuine concern.
"This is 100% Darryl's baby. I'm just providing the, admittedly not great, genetic material."
Nathaniel considered this for a moment. "But...how will it make you feel to have a baby around that is technically your biological child? How will it affect your health?"
"I don't know, honestly. I really hate admitting this out loud, because it's just another reminder of how fucking not normal I am, but...I don't think I want children, maybe ever. I've never been very maternal or felt that whole ticking biological clock thing. I mean, I have a hard enough time taking care of myself, right?" She let out a small, nervous laugh and searched his face for any sign discomfort with her admission. "Is that...a dealbreaker for you?"
He exhaled sharply, "Actually, it's a relief. I feel the same way. And, in my experience, it's rare to find someone who is on the same page about that."
Trying to lighten the mood, Rebecca blurted out, "But who will be Nathaniel Plimpton the fourth?! Ew, actually just saying that out loud kind of grosses me out."
"That name is not a legitimate reason to bring another life into the world, despite what my father may think."
"Plus, does that mean we would have to keep having children until we got a boy to carry on the name? How disgustingly patriarchal." As soon as the words came out of her mouth, she realized all the implications she made by invoking the word "we." "Sorry, was that too much?"
He chuckled. "It's fine." He scooted closer to her on the couch, putting a hand through her hair rubbing the base of her scalp. "Ok, you are sweating a lot. Is this the hormones?"
"Yea, they really kicked into gear today. I'm hot as hell and my whole body is kinda achy," she said, rolling her shoulders. "They're also making me horny. Like, ridiculously horny. So, can we have sex now please? I'm super fertile, though, so we have to be careful. Oh and also, don't touch my boobs."
"And they say romance is dead," he deadpanned.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Is me throwing myself at you a problem all of a sudden?"
He threw his hands up in front of him in surrender. "No problem here."
She grabbed his tie, pulling him toward her into a kiss, and then rose from the couch still leading him by his tie. "Ok, let's go, Plimpton. Chop chop."
"This is unbelievable," he replied and hoisted her up around the waist and bent her over his shoulder into a fireman's carry. She squealed and slapped his back playfully. "Is this display of caveman-like agility turning you on?" he asked over his shoulder.
"I'm going to kill you," she said, but she couldn't suppress her giggles as he carried her to the bed.
He deposited her on the soft mattress, with one arm supporting her lower back and one cradling her head. Settling with his forearms propped up on either side of her, he gazed down at her for a moment and suggested, "How about I give you a little massage first? Help with those achy muscles?"
She bit her lip, mentally weighing how good it would feel to get a massage against how much longer she could go without a release from her pent-up arousal. While she was contemplating, he got up next to the bed and removed his suit jacket and tie. When he rolled up the sleeves on his dress shirt, exposing his muscled forearms, she lost all train of thought.
He sat back against the headboard and spread his legs apart. "Come on," he beckoned, opening his arms to her. She wordlessly followed, resting her back against his chest. His hands came up to rub her shoulders and it became clear she made the right choice. He was solid and sturdy and anchoring her, and she instantly felt her tension get smoothed away by his touch. When she craved the feeling of his hands on her bare skin, she grabbed the ends of her t-shirt and pulled it up over her head, and he took the hint, kneading her shoulder and neck muscles deeper.
Pushing her hair to the side, he planted a kiss on the side of her neck. "My god, you really are sweaty. Do I need to get the period sex towel out?"
Choosing to ignore his remark, she leaned into his touch, reveling in how strong his hands felt on her and imagining how they would feel on other parts of her body. She let her head roll back onto his shoulder and moaned appreciatively, so he took advantage of her exposed neck, trailing kisses there and tasting her sweat.
He snaked his hand down the front of her body and under the waistband of her leggings. Pressing the heel of his palm against her clit, he slipped a finger into her. "Jesus Rebecca, how are you this wet already?"
"Hmm...I told you," she mumbled, slightly raising her hips to grind against his hand. He pushed another finger inside her and she groaned, "Ok I'm worried if we don't have sex right now I might actually die."
He didn't need to be told twice. Nathaniel got off the bed and removed his clothes while Rebecca awkwardly slid her leggings and underwear off, throwing them off the side of the bed. Dressed only in a fuschia sports bra, she laid on her stomach, pushing her ass up and looking back over her shoulder.
"Wow," was all he could say at this animalistic display. He grabbed a pillow from the head of the bed and offered it to her. "Hey, use this pillow at least."
"Nathaniel! Stop being so nice right now. I need you to channel baaad Nathaniel." He shrugged to himself and threw the pillow back to its original spot. Getting impatient, she reached down and started rubbing herself, her hips still raised in the air. She closed her eyes and tried to tamp down her frustration while Nathaniel wordlessly finished undressing.
A few moments later she felt the bed dip behind her. She gasped when he forcefully grabbed her wrist and pushed it into the small of her back, restraining her arm. Holding it in place, he licked her with the flat of his tongue, starting with her clit and dragging it up to her opening. He did this repeatedly at a maddeningly slow pace. Unable to hold herself back, she moaned freely and greedily pushed her hips back into his face, hungry for more. After spending a few more moments relishing her, he got up on his knees, released her arm, and took her by surprise by thrusting into her with no warning.
She gripped the comforter and braced herself on her forearms, while he slammed into her over and over, finally giving her what she needed. A primal, guttural noise escaped from her throat and all she could think was don't stop, don't stop, don't stop. She wanted him harder and deeper and faster, but mostly she just needed him to not stop ever.
As she hurtled toward climax at an unprecedented pace, he suddenly leaned forward, his chest grazing her back, and wrapped his hand possessively around her neck, not applying any pressure, but just holding her there. "Is this what you want?" he purred into her ear, and she arched her back against him in response. "You want to be fucked?" Ugh, that bastard always knew exactly what to say to push her over the edge.
And then she was coming, losing control beneath him. He moved his hand from her neck to roughly grab a handful of her hair and it just spurred her on faster. She felt the orgasm rock through her entire body, her nerves firing in every direction. It was so intense, her forearms gave out and her head slumped down into the bed. Meanwhile, his hips jerked erratically against her and she heard him say her name over and over like a prayer until his movements slowed and he fell back on the bed beside her, panting with effort.
Mirroring him, she rolled onto her back, her hand resting over her heart where it was pounding beneath her flesh. Her body was on fire and there was a momentary ringing in her ears as she came down. After a few minutes, Nathaniel rolled to his side and reached for her, but she pushed him away and said, "No, no touching."
Nathaniel went to the bathroom first to dispose of the condom and when he returned, he looked down at her with a smile playing at his lips. "We should have put down the towel," he said playfully and planted a kiss on her forehead before laying down in a dry section of the bed.
"Are you ready for 10 days of this?" she asked, still staring at the ceiling.
"I think we'll manage."
The next week was a flurry of hard work both in the office and in the bedroom. Rebecca continued to be exhaustingly insatiable and Nathaniel just tried to keep up. A few times she tried to bait him into having sex in the office supply closet, but he always made her wait until the end of the day, which only heightened her anticipation for their sexual encounters.
One of the last nights of her hormone injections, as they both lay on the bed, spent, Nathaniel asked, "The retrieval is on Thursday, right?"
Rebecca propped herself up on her elbow and confirmed, "Yep, two more days. You can still drive me home, right?
"Yea, it's not that. I'm just afraid my dick might fall off soon if we keep going at this pace, and I don't think it's the kind of appendage that grows back."
"Wow, complaints about too much sex from the man who tried to seduce me in a dirty elevator."
He laughed in a huff and then got up, heading toward the bathroom. "Are you going to stay? Want to shower?"
"Actually, I forgot a change of clothes and I'm drenched as usual, so I'm just going to head home." She got up off the bed and started putting her clothes back on. "See you tomorrow? Last day of this madness."
"Ok bye." He gave her a peck on the lips and then disappeared into the bathroom. A few seconds later, the water began to run and Rebecca finished putting on her clothes, cringing at the feeling of dampness against her skin.
On her way out, a flashing from Nathaniel's laptop, sitting innocently on the kitchen counter, caught her eye. The unmistakable blue Facebook interface stared back at her - he had received a private Facebook message. She ventured cautiously over to the laptop, looking over her shoulder, back toward the bathroom. He would never know if she took a little peek.
She expanded the messenger window to find a conversation between Nathaniel and a pretty brunette named Mona Smith. "Oh no, oh no," she said to herself. Taking a deep breath, she scrolled to the beginning of their conversation, which had a timestamp of about a month prior.
Mona: Hey! Great to run into you today and reconnect despite the circumstances.
Nathaniel: It was nice to catch up. See you soon!
Mona: Count on it.
Rebecca's stomach dropped. What was this? Was he planning to meet up with this woman behind her back? Then there was a time jump in their conversation to about a week later.
Mona: So that was pretty intense today.
Nathaniel: Yea, I'm exhausted.
What...the...fuck. She read the message several times, her anxiety growing exponentially each time. Then she read the message that had popped up just moments ago.
Mona: So will I see you tomorrow? Same time, same place. ;)
Rebecca could barely breathe. She fled the apartment, her shaky legs barely able to carry her to her car. Nathaniel was cheating on her?! They had sex all the time - what reason would he possibly have to stray? What was he getting from this Mona that he wasn't from her?
Safely back in the confines of her car, she texted Paula.
MAJOR CODE YELLOW
Honey you know I don't have that chart anymore.
Man problems. Meet me at SugarFace before work tomorrow at 8.
Copy that.
The next morning, when Paula met Rebecca, she was already at a table with a dozen donuts.
"Wow...you look awful," Paula said as she sat across from her, observing the dark circles under Rebecca's eyes and her accompanying vacant stare.
"Yea, I didn't really sleep. Listen, Paula, this is bad. This is really bad," she said, voice trembling.
"Ok, what happened?"
Rebecca put her forehead down on her arms, which were folded on the table top. "He's cheating on me," she groaned into her arms.
Paula's jaw dropped. "What? No...there's no way!"
Rebecca told Paula about the messages and added, "I did some light stalking last night. They went to Stanford together. She's also married, which makes it even more icky. "
"Maybe they're just meeting up as friends."
"But why would he be, quote, exhausted?" she said with spiteful air quotes.
"Maybe...they're playing racquetball together, I don't know! But there has to be an explanation. Just talk to him."
"No, here's what we're going to do. According to that message they are going to see each other tonight. So you're going to use your super skulking skills to help me follow him…"
"Bup bup bup. Rebecca no, this is a bad idea. Are you sure he's cheating? I mean, you're all hormonal and emotional right now…"
"I know what I saw! Why are you doubting me? I feel like you're being all Team Nathaniel right now."
"No no no, sweetie. It's just...he really likes you. And, from what you've said, you guys are doin' it like bunnies. So why would he be cheating? It just doesn't make sense."
Rebecca vehemently shook her head, "No, you know what, it does make sense. I'm broken and stupid and he wants someone normal like Mona. I mean, he looks like a frickin' Disney prince. Why would he want me anyway?"
"Stop it," Paula interjected and she took Rebecca's hands in hers. "Listen, I'm going to show you something. I didn't want to show you before because you had more important things you were dealing with at the time." She released her hands and took out her phone, briefly tapping and scrolling, and then turned the phone toward Rebecca, shoving it in her hands. It was a photo. Nathaniel asleep, in Rebecca's bed, spooning Ruth Gator Ginsburg.
"Honey, if I'm wrong then you can be the first to say 'I told you so,' but this is a man who cares about you." Paula pointed to the photo for emphasis. "This man camped out at your apartment for DAYS waiting for you to come home. I saw him cry, in a pool of all places, because he couldn't stand the thought that you weren't coming back. Let me say that again. Nathaniel...cried."
Rebecca fell silent, staring at the photo. "Paula, I want to believe you. I do. But...I just need to know the truth. Please, Paula," Rebecca pleaded. "I wouldn't ask unless it was really important." Paula just sighed in defeat.
It was easy to avoid Nathaniel, who was busy most of the next day in meetings. After lunch, when she returned to her desk, there was a sticky note on her monitor:
How are the eggs cooking? I'll take mine over EASY.
Ugh, what an asshole. She ripped the note off her monitor, crumpled it up, and threw it into the trash. She silently cursed him for being so duplicitous. How could he be giving her little jokey notes, meanwhile having sex with that married hussy behind her back? She hoped he could feel the daggers she stared into the back of his head every time he walked by her cube.
When it was time to leave for the day, Rebecca waited until Nathaniel was in the bathroom to sneak out of the office. Ten minutes later, Paula trudged toward the car, clearly still unhappy with the whole situation.
Once they were both seated in the car, Rebecca asked, "So, you ready for this?! Paula and Rebecca - back in action!"
"For the record, I still think this is a really bad idea."
"Noted."
Before Paula could protest further, they spotted Nathaniel leaving the office and getting into his car. "Follow that car!" Rebecca yelled.
Paula put a finger in her ear. "That was like right in my ear." She took her time starting the engine, while Rebecca bounced impatiently in her seat, and then begrudgingly started following Nathaniel's car at a safe distance.
"Tell me this," Paula asked after a tense few minutes of trailing Nathaniel. "What are you going to do if you're wrong?"
"If I'm wrong, he'll be none the wiser and I'll have my peace of mind."
"...and the knowledge that you have zero trust in your own boyfriend."
"But, Paula, what if I am right? Don't you think I deserve to know? Oh wait, he's turning here!"
They followed his car into a large parking lot outside a modern-looking, one-story building. "What the hell...I've been here a million times with my kids. This is the Cameron Park Community Center. If he's having an affair here, it's the least sexy affair imaginable."
Paula parked in the last row of the lot and they watched Nathaniel get out of his car and enter the building. "What?! This doesn't make sense," Rebecca said, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Ok, we have to go in and see what he's doing." Paula gave her an exasperated look. "Ok, fine, I'll go in myself. You stay here and keep watch." She threw open the car door and left before Paula could stop her.
Rebecca cautiously entered the community center and it was bustling with activity. There was a basketball court filled with kids, a dance studio with cute kindergarteners learning ballet, and several multi-purpose rooms being used for assorted clubs and activities. Leaning around a corner, she saw Nathaniel and Mona at a distance, standing outside one of these rooms, chatting warmly. There was a card table with a carafe of coffee and cookies set up next to them, and they were surrounded by a handful of people who were mingling with each other. Both Nathaniel and Mona had paper coffee cups in their hands and Mona's huge engagement ring was noticeable even from this distance. She saw Mona hand Nathaniel a business card, which Mona gestured to emphatically and Rebecca could make out Mona saying, "He's great."
Moments later, a middle-aged woman with a name tag ushered everyone inside the room, saying that they were going to begin. Once the hallway had cleared, Rebecca stalked closer, just short of the open door. She leaned against the wall and pretended to be typing on her phone while secretly eavesdropping.
The room quieted and the middle-aged woman spoke. "Hello and welcome to weekly Family Support Group. This group is supported by the East San Gabriel Valley affiliate of the National Alliance on Mental Illness, or NAMI as we say. For anyone who may be new, we welcome all family members, friends, caregivers, and partners of loved ones with mental illnesses. The goals of this group are find strength in sharing experiences with each other, discuss coping skills, and learn to see the individual first before the illness. Here, there is no judgment and no stigma. Ok, that's my usual spiel. I'll open up the floor now for whoever would like to share this week."
Rebecca's mouth went dry and she felt frozen in place, stuck to the ground. This was the absolute last thing she had expected. Her mind raced and a million questions flooded her mind. How long has he been coming to this? How did he find out about it? Has he talked about their relationship? About her?
"Rebecca, stop it, you're splitting."
Oh my god.
The night he came home late, when she was upset he didn't text. His eyes were red and puffy. Was he here? Was that on a Wednesday? She tried to remember.
So that was pretty intense today.
These realizations hit her one after another. On one hand, he had hid this from her and it almost felt like a violation, the fact that he was potentially sharing things about their relationship behind her back. Yet, at the same time, she was overwhelmingly touched by his effort. Tears pricked her eyes and she tried to blink them back to maintain her composure. Just as she was about to walk away, a higher-pitched voice began to speak.
"Hi, I'm Mona. As most of you know, my husband has severe OCD. There have been a lot of ups and downs over the years, but right now we're going through a rough patch. He keeps telling me that he feels like a burden to me, which is really hard to hear..." Her voice cracked.
Rebecca felt like she was punched in the gut. This was way too close to home, not to mention a huge invasion of privacy. Listening to this woman pour her heart out and share deeply personal details about her marriage was definitely crossing a line. It was bad, even for her.
She ran back to the car as fast as she could. When she dropped down in the passenger side of the car beside Paula, her face was sheet white.
"Honey, what happened? Oh my god, he was cheating?! Did you confront him?"
"No no no," she panted, trying to catch her breath. She shook her head, still not quite believing it, "He's…he's…at a support group."
"Oh god, is he an alcoholic too? How does this keep happening?"
"No no, you know how there's also groups for people who have family members who are alcoholics?"
"Yes…"
"So it's like that but then replace alcoholics with people like me."
Paula considered this for a moment and then grabbed Rebecca's shoulder and grinned, "Oh honey, that's great news, right? That's like the opposite of cheating! It means he's super committed to you. Why aren't you jumping for joy right now?"
"Don't you get it? He needs a support group...just to deal with me." Rebecca put her face in both her hands. "What is he even doing with me?"
"Hey, listen to me," Paula took Rebecca's hands away from her face and held them. Their eyes met, Rebecca's on the verge of tears, Paula's resolute. "He isn't there because he has to deal with you. He's there because he wants to be with you. He's there because he sees what I see in you, which is a tough, sweet, smart little cookie. You're worth it, Rebecca. You're the only one who doesn't seem to see that."
Rebecca began to cry. "Paula, I read his Facebook messages without his permission. I didn't trust him. And I just listened to that woman, Mona, without her consent. I'm human garbage."
"Ok yes, what you did wasn't great. But now you know for sure you can trust him, right?" Paula pulled her in for a fierce hug. "Listen Rebecca, you're all mixed up on the hormones right now. This is a lot to process. Let's just get you home, I'll tuck you in, and everything will be fine. And remember tomorrow's the big day. You're doing something amazing for Darryl. You're giving him the greatest gift you could ever give. You are a good person."
She tried to believe Paula's words, but she knew she was in for another sleepless night.
Nathaniel picked up Rebecca at her apartment at 9am sharp the next day for the egg retrieval procedure. He greeted her cheerfully when she opened the door, "Hey, ready for the big day?" But his face fell when he took in her drawn expression. "You look tired, everything ok? Are you nervous?"
Rebecca smiled faintly to reassure him, "Sorry, I just haven't slept well the past two nights, but I'll be fine. I promise."
When they were in the waiting room at the facility, she felt wired, on edge, despite her lack of sleep. All the emotions from the previous night's revelation were competing for her attention and she wished she could drown it all out. Nathaniel covered her hand, which had been fidgeting restlessly in her lap, with his. "Are you ok? Do you want me to come in with you?" She nodded and tried breathing deeply to quiet her thoughts.
Later, prepped for the procedure, Rebecca laid on a sterile, cold table and stared blankly at the ceiling. Nathaniel pulled up a chair next to the table and faced it so he was looking at her. While they waited for the doctor, Nathaniel stroked her arm and said, "Hey, it's just going to be 15 minutes and then it's over. You won't feel a thing." He was obviously sensing her inner turmoil and trying to be supportive, but she couldn't tell him that the reason for her distress had nothing to do with the procedure.
The doctor came in, shuffling through papers in a folder. "Ok, Rebecca, looks like you had your HCG trigger shot Tuesday afternoon so we are good to go. You should be able to feel the analgesia start to kick in very soon." Then he addressed Nathaniel, "It's conscious sedation so she'll be awake but deeply relaxed. It's likely won't remember any of the procedure. She'll need to rest here for about an hour afterward and then you can take her home."
The last thing she remembered was Nathaniel holding her hand, his eyes silently reassuring her.
She awoke on Nathaniel's couch, groggy and covered in a blanket. "Hey sweetie," came a familiar voice when she started to regain her faculties.
"Paula? What are you -?" Rebecca sat up and looked around, wondering if she was still under the sedation.
Paula sat down beside her and lovingly brushed her hair out of her face. "Nathaniel asked me to come over while he ran out to get you something to eat. How are you feeling?"
Rebecca rubbed her eyes. "I'm fine. Just a little out-of-it. I must have fallen asleep."
"Seems like you needed it. I'm glad you were able to rest."
"I had the weirdest dream. I dreamed...Nathaniel was dating that girl Mona. And he was cheating on her with me...and we were secretly having sex in the supply closet at work every day."
Paula laughed and then Rebecca joined her. "Speaking of...are you feeling any better about yesterday?"
Rebecca realized she did feel better, like a haze in her head was starting to clear. "Yea, I mean, him getting any kind of therapy is probably a good thing, right?"
"And…"
"And...he's doing it because he cares about me. You happy now?"
As if he heard himself being summoned, Nathaniel returned, carrying a paper bag. "Anyone awake and want some panang curry?"
All of a sudden she was famished. "Oh my god, you are the best boyfriend ever. Gimme gimme." Rebecca out-stretched her arms and opened and closed her hands like a child.
"Well, my work here is done. You two enjoy and I'll see you later." Paula winked at Rebecca and gave Nathaniel a pat on the arm before leaving.
After a few days of Netflix and her couch, Rebecca felt rejuvenated. Much to her relief, she experienced very little pain after the retrieval procedure. In fact, the prior 10 days of hormone injections ended up causing much more discomfort than the procedure itself. And now that she was free of the influence of the hormones, Rebecca felt like a fog around her had been lifted, both mentally and physically. Feeling energized and generally optimistic, she decided to pay Nathaniel a visit. It was a Sunday afternoon after all and she knew, creature of habit that he was, that he would be there. On Sundays he always went full-on domestic - doing laundry, meal prepping for the week, and catching up on law journals.
"Hi, how are you feeling?" he greeted her in his typical Sunday soft clothes of a t-shirt and sweatpants.
"Good, really good actually. Can I come in?"
He stepped aside to reveal piles of folded laundry spread out on the coffee table. It gave her a little thrill to know that she was picking up these little bits of knowledge about him.
"What's that?" he asked, pointing to the small paper gift bag she held.
"This is for you. It's just a little thank you. Now that I'm off the hormones I realize that my behavior has been, shall we say, heightened. So thank you for putting up with me and taking care of me. I just, um, really appreciate you." Saying it out loud made her feel strangely self-conscious and she felt a pang of fear that maybe the gift was a dumb idea.
"Wow, thank you," he said and accepted the bag from her. He moved the tissue aside and pulled out a small, bright green, alligator plush toy. Nathaniel's face lit up and he laughed.
"I know you and Ruth Gator Ginsburg have a special bond so I thought maybe you would want your own. Maybe you could name him something more manly, like Darth Gator or the Termin-gator."
"Rebecca, I love it. I really do. Thank you." He set the toy down on top of the tallest pile of laundry with a fond smile.
"And also, related, once I saw an annual pass to the San Diego Zoo on your counter so we're going to need to discuss that at some point - "
He cut her off by cupping her face with both his hands and kissing her soundly. Rising up on her tiptoes, she leaned into him and wrapped her arms around his back, tugging him as close as she could. The kiss was filled with his need for her, though his desire for her didn't feel overtly sexual. When he finally pulled away and she sank back down to the floor, he gazed deeply into her eyes and stroked her face with both his thumbs. He opened his mouth like he was about to say something, but he stopped himself, a heavy breath rushing out of his lungs.
Silently she covered one of his hands with her and gently led him toward the bed. "Is this ok?" he asked, his eyes briefly darting down to her abdomen. She simply nodded in response and pulled her shirt over her head. They disrobed unhurriedly in front of each other and, when they were fully naked, laid down on the bed facing each other. They kissed languidly and explored each other, not rushing the moment - a definite change of pace after almost two weeks of hormone-fueled rough sex. Nathaniel ran his hand from the valley of her waist to the curve of her hip and broke their kiss for a moment to say, "You feel so soft." She smiled against his mouth and rolled on to her back, wanting to feel the weight of him on top of her.
He reached over and got a condom from his night table and rolled it on while she watched. Then he went into her open arms, melding their bodies together. He pushed into her, raptly watching her face for any signs of discomfort. "Does it hurt?"
"No, keep going." He thrust into her slowly over and over as they stared into each other's eyes, and it occurred to her that they were truly making love, maybe for the first time. There was no other phrase that could describe it. The intimacy of the moment gave her warm, clenching feeling in her chest. He wrapped his right arm around her lower back and threaded his other hand in her hair, palming her head, and suddenly she wasn't sure if any part of her body was even touching the bed anymore. Every part of her was surrounded by him. He was all around her, inside her, and he began kissing her, swallowing the breath that had caught in her throat. After a few minutes of this lazy pace, he stopped kissing her, rubbing his nose to hers. Then his breath hitched and he whispered, "I love you."
He pulled back and she saw a hint of fear in his eyes and a vulnerability so pure she could barely stand it. With a strangled whimper, she pulled him down by the neck to kiss her and she put everything she had into the kiss, her legs urging him to keep going. She kissed him with all the passion she felt for him and hoped she could express with her body what she wasn't able to fully articulate yet with words.
Her orgasm was a soft rolling wave, quiet and calm. And after he came, they stayed joined while they recovered, his arms still wrapped snugly around her and his face buried in her neck. She traced patterns on his back in sweat with her fingers, looping again and again in a makeshift infinity sign.
When he finally moved off of her, the cold air hit her body in a whoosh and she instantly missed him. He curled himself against her side and propped his head on his elbow. "Hey...are we ok?" he asked timidly, searching her face. "Don't feel like...don't feel obligated to…"
She stopped him gently, "We're fine." Sensing he needed some validation, she continued, "I really care about you, I hope you know that." He gave her a half smile, kissed her cheek, and then disappeared into the bathroom.
As much as she wanted to give him everything, she felt like she had to hold back. Falling back into her old habits was exactly what she was trying to avoid. She needed to be careful, deliberate about this relationship. She couldn't allow herself to be swallowed up by him, be swallowed up by love so fast again.
She just prayed this love kernel would be enough until she was ready to give him more.
