"It seems like only yesterday I was right here in this very room, ignoring everything you said," Rebecca said wistfully as she entered Dr. Akopian's office. It was her first session back with Dr. Akopian, after Dr. Shin advised that it was time to transition back to her care.
"Welcome back, Rebecca," Dr. Akopian replied, gesturing for her to sit on the couch.
Rebecca obeyed and immediately started talking excitedly, barreling right into the session, "Let me catch you up on everything that's been going on with me since I last saw you, which was post-suicide attempt and I tried to get you to give me a new diagnosis. To recap, I accepted the fact that I'm borderline, did a lot of workbooks, went to Buffalo, hung out with my friend's dad, got back from Buffalo, started dating Nathaniel, went on a ton of hormones to give Darryl an egg. I thought Nathaniel was cheating on me but it turns out he was going to a NAMI support group, he told me he loved me but I didn't say it back, that was three weeks ago, and now I'm here!"
Dr. Akopian's eyebrows climbed high on her forehead. "Wow, that's a lot. Let's work backwards. So you're in a relationship. How long have you been seeing him?"
"About three months."
"And he said he loves you, but you didn't say it back."
Rebecca waved her hand in front of her dismissively. "You know, this isn't really important. Things are going fine between us. I set up healthy boundaries with Nathaniel, just like Dr. Shin told me to do, and I'm not getting all obsessive with him like I did with Josh, so it's all good."
"But how does he feel about the fact that you didn't say it back? You obviously thought it was significant enough to mention."
"LISTEN," she said with annoyance, putting her hands on either side of her mouth, as if she were yelling into a bullhorn. "Everything is fine with me and Nathaniel, ok? That's not what I'm here to talk about. I'm here, ready to rock my mental health. So let's do this - abandonment issues, dissociative episodes, my dad - it's all on the table. Let's get into it, Akopes!"
"I do not wish to be called Akopes."
"God I forgot how unfun you are."
"If you guys are gonna sit at the bar and take up space, you need to order something," Heather said with irritation to Rebecca and Nathaniel. It was lunchtime at Home Base and they had slipped out of the office, away from prying eyes. Rebecca had a file open in front of her, while Nathaniel leaned into her space possessively, attempting to distract her in any way possible from actually getting work done. Most of those ways involved slyly touching her in places that pushed the boundaries of propriety in a public place. At a table nearby, Hector and White Josh ate lunch together and watched this public display with revulsion.
"Ugh fine Heather, just bring us some fries and diet cokes!" Rebecca yelled. Heather rolled her eyes and went into the back room.
Rebecca flipped through the file, trying to ignore Nathaniel's hand enticingly rubbing the base of her scalp. "Ok, so for the Crawford case, I was thinking -"
"Is this a new blouse?" Nathaniel interrupted, tracing his hands along the cobalt blue collar.
She tried not to shiver at his whisper soft touch. "You know it's not." He was doing that thing where his eyes got dark and it felt like he was ravishing her with only his gaze. "Stop it."
"Stop what?" he asked with mock-innocence. He got up and turned her bar stool so she was facing him, and cozied up between her legs. He put his hands on her hips and nuzzled her neck, planting a kiss there. "Nathaniel, we're supposed to be working...what if someone from the office sees us?"
He continued to kiss her neck and mumbled, "Let them see us. I don't care anymore."
"Well, I care."
"Why?" When she didn't respond, he pulled back to look at her face.
She shook her head. "Forget it," she said and pulled his head back to her neck.
When his hands skimmed from her hips up to her waist, White Josh called, "Give it a rest, you horny monsters!"
Hector joined in, "Yea, it's bad enough you're always doing it all over the apartment. No one wants to see that!" White Josh and Hector high-fived.
Nathaniel, with a sparkle in his eye, then started kissing her full on the lips, making a big show of it, awkwardly groping at her. Rebecca couldn't help but laugh into his mouth as they kissed, the mood sufficiently lightened, letting her guard down and playing along. She wrapped her legs around him, pulling him closer.
"Ahhh!" both White Josh and Hector screamed, and White Josh dramatically held his hands up to his face to shield his eyes.
Satisfied with their reaction, Rebecca loosened her grip on him and opened her eyes. In her periphery vision, she spotted Paula, Tim, Jim, Maya, and new-recruit Sunil walking into Home Base.
Rebecca immediately released him and broke their kiss. "Hey, stop," she whispered and gently pushed on Nathaniel's chest.
"Huh?" He had moved his attention to her collarbone, his hands still wandering.
"Stop it, I'm serious!" she said and pushed hard on his chest. His eyes widened in surprise and he followed her gaze to see the source of her distress. When he saw their office mates filing into the bar, he sighed and rubbed his hand over his face, backing away from her.
"You know what? I think I'm gonna go back to the office and work. Enjoy your lunch." Nathaniel roughly picked up his messenger bag and left in a huff.
"Nice work!" White Josh called from behind her. Rebecca turned toward him and scrunched up her face into a scowl.
Heather returned with the fries and drinks. "Hey, where did Patrick Bateman go?"
"Ha ha, very funny. He, um, he had to go." Rebecca started to eat the fries quickly one after the other.
Heather shrugged and then put her hand on her abdomen. "I love my new hobby...growing people. Wait, did you hear that? Made an eyeball! What did you do today?"
As usual, Rebecca ignored her, lost in her own thoughts. She caught Paula's eye and her brow was furrowed in a silent question. Rebecca slightly shook her head and then looked back down at her food, embarrassed. She was still purposefully keeping him at arm's length, putting up imaginary barriers in an attempt to keep herself from falling over the cliff into obsession. But how long could she keep this up? How long until she could trust herself? And would he stick around long enough to see that day?
EIGHT MONTHS LATER…
Eight months later, a lot had changed in West Covina. Heather was nine months pregnant and about to pop, Paula had somehow been replaced in the office hierarchy by Sunil, Valencia and Beth had formed both a work and romantic partnership, and White Josh returned from a desert sojourn with a dog in tow. But, all the while, some things had remained the same...
"We've been at this for eight months now. And you still haven't told Nathaniel you love him and you're still keeping the relationship a secret from your coworkers and your family."
"Yea, so what?" Rebecca sat on Dr. Akopian's couch with her arms crossed in front of her defensively. "The office doesn't need to know our business and, besides, I am protecting Nathaniel from any conflicts of interest for dating his employee. It makes perfect sense." She shrugged, as if to say 'case closed.'
"Rebecca, we're doing such great work here in every other respect. You have progressed so much since we first started. But you're still stuck in the same place with Nathaniel that you were eight months ago. You're in a much better place now. Maybe it's time to let your guard down a little."
"You're right, I am in a good place and so is my relationship with Nathaniel. I'm happy, he's happy, we're both happy. And I'm not obsessed with him, which is the most important thing. This is by far the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. There, I said it. Why would I want to change that?"
"So you have no qualms about his feelings in this? How it must feel to tell someone you love them for months and not have that returned? What will you do when he asks for more commitment from you?"
Rebecca scoffed, stubborn, obviously not budging from her stance. "Commitment? Please, what MAN wants more commitment?
Rebecca stood in front of Nathaniel's bathroom mirror, clad in only her black bra and panties, armed with her curling iron. She moved her head back and forth, examining in the mirror whether she had missed any stray pieces of hair. Satisfied for the moment, she walked over to the closet while Nathaniel was knotting his tie nearby.
"Shit I'm going to be late for this meeting," he muttered to himself.
She moved the hangers back and forth, looking through her clothes, "Ugh, I don't have enough clothes here. I like to dress based on mood and I'm not feeling any of this today."
"And what is your mood today?" He reached over her shoulder to pull out a suit jacket.
"I'm feeling like a head-bitch-in-charge, with a bit of whimsy, and a hint of slutty."
"I don't know what any of that means. Wear that black dress. The one with the flowers."
"This one?" she asked, holding up the dress in front of her. "Oh, you just like this because it shows off my rack."
"So? You look gorgeous in it." Unable to argue with that, she put on the dress and he wordlessly came up behind her to zip her up. "That didn't take much convincing," he commented as he zipped and she lightly slapped his arm in response when he was done.
She returned to the bathroom mirror while Nathaniel grabbed his Apple watch from the dresser. He stuck his head in the bathroom doorway, "Have you seen my -"
"Kitchen table."
"Thank you." Nathaniel briskly walked away toward the kitchen and returned a few moments later, shoving his keys into his suit jacket pocket. He came up behind her, sharing the mirror, and he pushed his hair around, frowning.
"Hey, could you -" she pointed to the back of her head.
He shifted his attention to her hair and threaded his finger through one section. "You missed this part," he said and she reached behind her to grab the piece of hair.
"Thank you."
He rested his hands on both her shoulders and met her eyes in the mirror. "See, you look beautiful."
She smiled and turned off the curling iron, setting it to the side. "Hey, remember Darryl's baby shower is tomorrow. Any chance you got a gift for us?"
"Us? Since Darryl doesn't know we're together, don't you think we should bring separate gifts?" It was a sensitive subject between them, but his face and tone held no accusation.
"Right, of course" she said softly, guilt gnawing at her, remembering her conversation with Dr. Akopian.
"See you at the office. Love you. Bye." He kissed her cheek and then walked briskly toward the door. Again she felt a twisting, wringing feeling in her gut.
"Hey wait," she called after him, running on impulse to the door. He hovered in the doorway, eyebrows raised. "Um, let's go to the shower together. As a couple. I'm sorry I've been so weird about it. It's silly of me."
He grinned but was clearly, visibly trying to suppress his elation. He pointed at her, "You're just trying to get out of buying a shower gift, aren't you?"
She gave him a quick kiss and then playfully shoved him out the door.
"Wow, he really went all out for this, huh?" Nathaniel observed as he and Rebecca walked into Darryl's baby shower. The area was surrounded with balloons of pastel yellows, greens, and purples. Charming, rustic white tables were adorned with arrangements of yellow and white flowers. The gift table was crowded with gift bags of varying sizes, and there was a small bar that declared on a chalkboard its offerings of several types of mimosas.
"Yea, Valencia and Beth are really great at this." As she noticed all the people milling around, she added, "There are a lot of people here. Did Darryl invite everyone he knows?"
As Nathaniel left her to go drop off their gift, Rebecca was greeted by an overly exuberant Darryl. "Oh Rebecca, isn't this amazing? It's all finally happening - the baby is almost here! And I told my whole family about you and they all want to meet you today!"
"Oh...great," she said and smiled politely. The rest of their coworkers began to gather in a group around her.
"Rebecca, do you think the baby is going to grow up to be a hashtag badass girl boss like you?" asked Maya, pushing her glasses up with both hands. Mrs. Hernandez, who was standing next to Maya, gave her an exaggerated eye roll.
"I think it's going to come out with a big bushy mustache," Jim laughed.
"It's a girl…" Mrs. Hernandez interjected.
"Paula's been kind of bitchy lately, so can you be the new office mom?" asked Tim.
Darryl jumped in, "What do you think about these names, Rebecca? I've got Daphnila, Sefarine, Tasmyline…"
As they crowded around her, Rebecca started to feel overwhelmed. This was not what she signed up for. As each of them fought for her attention, their voices started to blend together in a dull cacophony and she couldn't focus on what any one person was saying. She suddenly struggled to get air and felt the urge to run away.
Just as she was about to full-on panic, Nathaniel's warm hand found her upper back and he said, "Hey, let's just back off of Rebecca for a minute." He then pulled her under his arm, steadying her against him. Instinctively she wrapped her arm around his waist and exhaled in relief. The world came back into focus.
All of them fell silent, looking between Rebecca and Nathaniel with incredulity.
"Wait, are you guys…?" Tim started.
"I knew it," Mrs. Hernandez declared.
"Hey, let's get a drink," Nathaniel said, ignoring the dumbstruck faces of his employees. Rebecca nodded and he steered her away from the crowd.
"Thank you," she said as they approached the bar. "It was getting a little too...Mama Rebecca back there."
Rebecca ordered a mimosa with strawberries while Nathaniel got straight champagne and they settled at a nearby high-top table. His hand found her lower back, tracing a circular, soothing pattern with his thumb. She could see their coworkers were watching from a distance but she tried to ignore them.
Dragging her eyes away from the group, she turned to him and said, "Listen, I'm sorry I made you keep things a secret for so long. I made it more of a thing by hiding it than if we had just been upfront from the start."
Nathaniel suddenly started choking on his champagne. "What's wrong? Are you ok?" She reached over and rubbed his back.
"My parents are here," he managed to get out between coughs. She scanned the crowd and spotted Nathaniel Plimpton II approaching their table. Nathaniel pulled at the collar of his shirt as if it were strangling him.
She reached out and held his forearm, "Hey, it's fine. Just relax."
He swallowed hard and then wiped both his hands on his pants. His demeanor had completely changed, his posture stiffening and his hands in balled up fists at his sides.
"Nathaniel," his mom cooed and she reached out and gave him a hug. He hugged her back, relaxing the tiniest bit and then he shook his father's hand impersonally.
"Mom, Dad, I didn't know you would be here."
His mother jumped in, "We weren't sure if we were going to make it, but our other engagement was canceled so that freed us up to come at the last minute! Isn't that lovely?"
Nathaniel forced a smile. "It's great."
There was an awkward moment where both his parents looked at Rebecca, who looked to Nathaniel for any kind of guidance, but none seemed to be forthcoming. "Hi, I'm Rebecca Bunch," she said, shaking each of their hands as warmly as she could muster. Since Nathaniel seemed tongue-tied, she decided to play it safe, "Technically, I work for you, sir. I'm a lawyer at the firm."
"Yes, I know who you are," Nathaniel II remarked, looking her up and down in a way that made her stomach crawl. "The first person ever allowed medical leave on a Plimpton's watch."
That awakened Nathaniel from his daze and he added, "Rebecca is also my girlfriend." He reached for her hand and held it firmly, threading their fingers together.
His mother clapped her hands together in front of her. "Oh, how wonderful. You two should come by the house sometime for dinner."
Nathaniel said nothing so Rebecca jumped in, "I would love that, Mrs. Plimpton, thank you."
"Well, isn't that just perfect? Nathaniel, congratulations on becoming a walking cliche. Darling, let's go pay our respects to Darryl." Nathaniel II turned on his heels, ushering his wife away.
Nathaniel face was tight and disappointment oozed out of his pores.
"Wow, I bet Christmas is a barrel of laughs," she said, hoping to lighten the mood. When Nathaniel remained stone-faced, she squeezed his hand, "Hey, talk to me."
"Sorry, um, I think I need some air."
"We're outside."
"Then some different air," he said, dropping her hand and walking away from the party.
She finished her mimosa, giving him a few minutes head start. Of course she was going to follow him. Tracing his steps, she found him on a stone bench, his hands clasped together firmly, staring into the distance. She wordlessly sat down beside him and they sat in companionable silence for several minutes.
He stared at his hands as he spoke, "In my parents' social circles, relationships are like business deals or arranged marriages. It's all about how the other person can benefit your career or your social status. And anyone who strays from that is looked down upon. Love is barely a consideration." He met her eyes, "That's not what I want for my life. Moving to West Covina and falling in love with you helped me realize that. But it's just so hard to shake that instinct to please them. It's...overpowering."
She nodded encouragingly. It wasn't often she had the opportunity to comfort him, and she wanted to be there for him just like he had been for her countless times. All her worry about exposing their relationship melted away. Now all her focus was on reassuring him and making him know he made the right choice. What they had was real and if his father had a problem with it, he'd have to deal with her too.
Everything she thought to say seemed trite or inadequate so she simply dragged his head to her shoulder and hugged him. His arms wrapped fully around her waist and he breathed deeply against her neck. She rubbed the back of his head and let him lean against her. Over his shoulder, she saw Nathaniel's mother, watching them from the edge of the party. They locked eyes for a moment and then Rebecca tightened her arms around his neck, eliminating any remaining space between them. She would take care of him. Maybe his parents never hugged him but hopefully she would have the opportunity to make up for all those years.
They found a way to escape from the shower, narrowly missing the blessing of the egg donor. When they got back to his apartment, he excused himself to the bathroom while she busied herself with changing out of her bright fuschia dress. She was surprised when she heard the shower start to run. He had taken one just a few hours ago before they left for the event.
She knocked lightly on the door. "Hey, everything ok?" When he didn't respond she tentatively opened the door. He was standing in the shower spray, letting the water pelt him in the face and chest. "Hey," she tried again. "You want company?" He hesitated. "Or I can leave you alone," she offered.
After contemplating this for a moment, he opened the door of the shower stall to her. She quickly slipped off her undergarments and joined him. The water was scaldingly hot and she flinched when it first touched her skin. "What's going on?"
He ran his hand over his face. "I feel so stupid. I know it probably seems to you like I'm blowing this out of proportion."
"Because I've never done that before," she quipped.
"Right," he smiled and used both his hands to move wet hair away from her face. "I don't want you to think it was a mistake to tell people about us with how my father reacted."
"No, no, stop. If anything I feel bad for letting it go this long." She rubbed her hands up and down his chest and abdomen while he looked her up and down and she could feel him getting aroused against her, despite the seriousness of their conversation.
"I guess as much as I want to pretend I don't care about their opinion of me, some part of me still craves that validation." Oh, did she understand that. All those years of sending her father birthday cards, never getting any response. Always thinking that the next academic or career achievement would be the one to make her father notice her and make him proud of her.
And that's when she realized she was another person in Nathaniel's life who was withholding precious validation from him. She had bottled up those words of affirmation to protect herself, meanwhile likely hurting him and playing on his insecurities in the process. Sometimes she forgot that she wasn't the only one in this relationship with deep-rooted issues.
"Let me make you feel good," she said earnestly. She reached up and angled the shower head away from her and then bent down to kneel in front of him. Once she was settled on her knees, she made eye contact with him before taking him into her mouth. Suddenly unsteady, he reached out and braced himself with one hand against the wall. As she worked his cock, her hands working skillfully in concert with her mouth, he reached down and gently rested his other hand on her head. He finally broke eye contact, tipping his head back and shutting his eyes and she was rewarded with a deep sound of his utter, unbridled pleasure. She hummed around him in response and his hand on her head tightened, lightly grabbing a fistful of her hair.
"Fuck, stop," he said, gritting his teeth, and she pulled away, releasing him. He reached down and grabbed under her arms to help her back up. Her legs were achy from kneeling on the unforgiving tile but she didn't have time to recover because he lifted her by her thighs and pressed her up against the wall. She wrapped her legs around him and he forcefully kissed her, desperately pressing his erection against her.
At first she wiggled her hips to try to angle herself properly, but he roughly held her still and thrust into her, forcing a surprised yelp from her throat. Triggered by the sound, he leaned back to check on her, but she shook her head and pulled him back by the neck, whispering, "Just use me." He complied and plunged back into her over and over, his pace rapid and unrelenting, as he chased his own release. Her back slid against the slippery, wet tiled wall, so she locked her arms firmly around his shoulders to ride out the waves of his desire. It didn't take long until he was coming inside her, his hips faltering a few moments and then finally stilling. He pinned her heavily against the wall as he tried to catch his breath, their bodies still joined. Despite the fact she didn't climax, she felt exhausted by the effort to simply to keep up with him.
Finally, he lowered her back down to the floor and then lovingly wiped away the smeared mascara from under her eyes. He turned off the water and reached outside the stall to grab a towel and wrap her in it before grabbing a towel of his own.
She padded from the bathroom to the bedroom dresser to fetch some comfortable clothes to settle in for the evening. But she froze when she noticed a foreign object on top of his dresser. It was a small, black, velvet box. The kind of box that was unmistakable, imbued with implications. She picked it up and her heart rate accelerated even faster than it already was from the sex. Her vision began to narrow as she tried to decide how she felt about it.
"Open it," Nathaniel said from behind her.
She jumped and frantically put the box back down on the dresser. "I'm sorry, I didn't…"
"It's for you. Open it."
"Nathaniel...I don't know…" she stammered, completely losing any composure she may have had.
He smiled knowingly, "Don't worry, just open it."
She picked the box up again gingerly, holding her breath as she opened it. It was a pair of diamond stud earrings. Simple, elegant, but obviously expensive. "Wow," she released the breath she was holding. "Why? What is this for?"
"We've been together almost a year and I bought it as a little anniversary gift."
"Anniversary? Wow, that is so incredibly sweet. These are beautiful, thank you."
"Actually," he cleared his throat and walked closer to her, "I was also planning to ask...if you wanted to move in together."
"What?" Suddenly she was very aware that they were both only in towels, her hair dripping wet and her makeup all but gone.
"Well, we spend almost every night together. Our stuff is scattered between our places and Heather and Hector have pretty much claimed your place. I thought maybe you could move in here or we could get a new place together."
Her mouth went dry and she tightened the towel around her. "Uh -"
"Just think about it." She nodded calmly, but on the inside she was filled with fear.
The next day, Rebecca asked Dr. Akopian for an emergency session outside of their regularly scheduled weekly appointment. Dr. Akopian graciously fit her in the same day, perhaps due to the uncharacteristically serious tone of voice she used when she called.
"So he said he wants to move in together. And what did you say?"
"Nothing," Rebecca said in a small voice. Her usual upbeat chatter was replaced by a shy vulnerability she rarely let Dr. Akopian see.
"Do you want to move in with him?"
"I don't know. Honestly, I'm afraid."
"What are you afraid of?"
"If I allow myself to completely let him in, see every part of me, give him my whole heart, what if he doesn't like what he sees? What if I'm too much for him and he leaves me?"
"So you're worried that once you allow yourself to fully commit to him, then he has the ability to hurt you and abandon you."
Rebecca nodded. "Or what if this triggers something inside me and I fall back into my old patterns? What if all this work and the progress I've made just disappears? I'm afraid of losing him...but the truth is I'm more afraid of losing myself."
"Those fears are understandable and they're always going to be there. But you are a loving person who deserves love," Dr. Akopian adamantly reassured her.
Air escaped her lungs in a huff and she hugged herself around her middle. "Nathaniel does too."
"What do you mean?"
"I have been with this man almost a year and I've never told him I love him, even though I love him so much it sometimes physically hurts." She shook her head ruefully at herself. "I've selfishingly withheld that from him."
"It's not too late to change that. Rebecca, only you can decide if you're ready for that next step. But just remember all of the support you have. You have all the knowledge and the coping skills you learned from Dr. Shin and your group. You have your friends. And you have me. I'll be here to keep working with you."
Rebecca nodded emphatically at that, believing her, and struggled to hold back tears. "I'm sorry, but can we hug?"
Dr. Akopian reluctantly got out of her seat and they met in the middle and hugged.
"Can I call you Akopes now?" Rebecca asked as she stroked Dr. Akopian's hair.
"No you may not."
Back at home, Rebecca was resolute. This was a turning point and she was choosing to move forward. All she had to do was face her fears. Staring at herself in the mirror in her bedroom, she gave herself a pep talk. "Ok Rebecca, this is going to be fine. All you have to do is say the words. Words you've said a million times before to other men who probably didn't deserve it half as much." She texted him.
Are you home? Can I come over? I want to talk.
Yea, of course.
She made an o shape with her mouth and exhaled slowly, looking back at herself in the mirror. "Face your fears. Run with scissors. All that crap. All you have to do is say...I love you."
"I love you too, Rebecca," came a voice from behind her. Rebecca shrieked and jumped away from the mirror. A large figure scrambled out from under her bed.
"TRENT?! Oh my god, what are you doing here?!"
