Immediately following the encounter with Trent, Rebecca spent every night at Nathaniel's apartment. Each night she pulled his arm over her, carefully tucking herself into his embrace, making herself as small as possible. If there were any bumps in the night, she would bury her face in his armpit, hiding her eyes to avoid peering into the darkness. Nathaniel's arm always tightened reflexively around her, but he slept on undisturbed, oblivious to her looming dread.
Each sleepless night, her mind wandered wildly. Sometimes, she imagined police breaking into Nathaniel's apartment, arresting him for attempted murder. Other times, it was an image of Trent, holding a knife above Nathaniel's head, threatening to slit his throat.
But the worst intrusive thought of all was a memory. It was the memory of Josh yelling into the night, "Rebecca! I know this is you! Stop it! Leave me alone! I'm not going to let you get to me, you hear me?! I'm not afraid of you!" as she hid outside his parents' home. The recollection of how she terrorized him, and the guilt permeating that memory, was worse than any fictional scenario her mind could conjure. While she could hide from the nightmares about Trent in the safety of Nathaniel's arms, no amount of hiding could change the fact that she had been Josh's Trent.
After a few weeks of unrest, Rebecca's fear of Trent slowly ameliorated. There had been no indication he was still lingering. Paula even showed her an Instagram post with Trent and his mother in Iowa, his nose covered in a conspicuous bandage. But while her fear of Trent returning eventually faded, her realization about Josh still lingered. It wedged itself so deeply within her, she decided she needed to take action.
One Saturday afternoon, Rebecca stretched out across Nathaniel's couch, a pad of paper resting on her thighs. She bit on a pen thoughtfully as she contemplated her next words. Nearby, there were cardboard moving boxes, still flattened, resting against the exposed brick wall.
"Ugh!" she heard Nathaniel groan from the bathroom. She knew better than to be concerned. That sound of frustration could only mean one thing. "Seven point three!" he called out to her.
"Stop it!" she yelled back. "I'm going to make sure that scale gets lost in the move, I swear!"
He padded into the living area, not hiding how distraught he was.
"It's seven pounds in a year. And you're six foot two! I've gained more than that during a finals week in college. I'm not indulging in your ridiculous pity-party."
She momentarily raised her feet so he could flop down on the other end of the couch and then returned them to rest against the side of his thigh. He picked up his laptop from the coffee table and huffed.
"Do I have to remind you? Dr. Akopian said you're not supposed to weigh yourself every day."
"Right, he said I'm not supposed to weigh myself every day. I didn't weigh myself yesterday," he said, raising a clarifying pointer finger into the air. When she rolled her eyes, he added, "Let's just drop it, ok?"
She reluctantly obliged, putting her pen to paper again while he clicked around on his laptop. He opened a bookmarked real estate site and triggered one of his saved searches. Once they decided to find a new place to move in together, a place that would be equally theirs, Nathaniel quickly immersed himself in research, determined to find the perfect place. The endless amount of micro-decisions that went along with finding a place left her exhausted, so she gratefully let him take the lead. The house search triggered something unexpectedly, delightfully domestic within him. Somehow more and more cardboard moving boxes kept appearing in his apartment, even the expensive ones with rods for moving clothes. At work she would come back from the bathroom and suddenly have five unread email messages from him, each with a new listing for her to consider.
"Here's a good one," he said, pointing at his laptop screen. "A house. Three bedrooms, one and a half baths, fifteen hundred square feet, $2400 a month. And there's a yard."
"That sounds great," she replied, only half-paying attention as she wrote on her pad of paper. "What's the bathtub situation?"
"Is that really all you care about?"
"No, I just like a nice bathroom, that's all."
He clicked through the photos on the listing. "Is this bathtub acceptable?" he asked and angled the laptop toward her.
She put down her pen and regarded the photo. "Yes, that is acceptable."
"Ok, let's go see it tomorrow."
"Sure," she confirmed, but her eyes were skimming her paper.
"Can I ask what you're writing over there?"
She tore her eyes away from the pad. "Yes. I am making a list of things I need to apologize for. This list is for Josh."
Nathaniel's eyebrows raised in surprise. "Really? May I ask why you're doing this?"
"Well, the whole Trent ordeal made me think about some of my past behavior. Some of it has been, putting it mildly, not great. I think I need to own up and take responsibility for the things I've done, especially the things I did to Josh. I'm planning to meet him face-to-face soon so I can apologize."
"Wow, that's really big of you," he said and rubbed his hand over her socked feet. But while his words were complimentary, his brow furrowed anxiously.
"If I see Josh, will that make you uncomfortable?"
After a pregnant pause, he finally said, "No, of course not." He cleared his throat and stared vacantly at the laptop screen.
"Why such a long pause?"
"It wasn't a long pause."
"Nathaniel, look at me." She put her pad of paper to the side and gave him a pointed look. "Out with it."
Busted, he closed the laptop and set it gingerly on the coffee table. He opened his mouth to say something but then stopped himself, shaking his head. "Nope. You know what, it's totally fine. I don't have a problem. It's stupid."
"You don't have problem? Or it's stupid?" She kept staring at him, waiting him to crack.
He sighed and ran his hand over his face. "Ok, it's just…when you were with Josh, you ran around all day telling everyone, including me, that he was the man of your dreams and could do no wrong." His eyes cast downward, self-conscious, "You don't do that with me."
"What?!" Her eyes went wide in disbelief. "Nathaniel, you're not the man of my dreams, because you're the man of my reality. Believe me, that is so much better. What I had with him, it wasn't real. It was about an idea of him, not actually him. I thought you knew that."
"Right," he said unconvincingly.
"I don't have feelings for him anymore," she stated plainly for his benefit, locking eyes with him.
He shrugged and added, "Also, according to White Josh, he got totally ripped, so…"
"Oh my gosh, look at you!" She got up on her knees and scooted over to his side of the couch, grabbing his face and planting wet, smacking kisses all over. "Stop your worrying!"
It was unbelievable that this was the same man she met two years ago, who was full of snark and bravado. Back then, a mere suggestion of any vulnerability on his part earned her a scoff and an eye roll. But once she had earned his trust, and unwavering affection, he had unfolded like a flower. Now she knew he had his own set of insecurities that he carefully hid behind his cold work persona. It didn't escape her that she had to take some responsibility for his lack of confidence in their relationship. All along she was the one who kept her foot on the brake pedal while he silently pleaded to put their relationship in drive.
He let her land a few kisses to his cheeks and temple, still feigning hurt over Josh. But then he dissolved into laughter at the over-the-top show of affection, helpless to her charms. "Alright, that's enough," he said and stopped her by catching her lips with his. He seized her by the waist and guided her back down to the couch, enveloping her body with his. She grinned mischievously against his mouth and greedily pulled at his neck to draw him even closer and deepen the kiss.
The idea that Nathaniel could still be jealous of Josh was so ludicrous to her that it was laughable. Teasing each other, especially in the bedroom, was their lingua franca, so she couldn't stop herself from giving him a gentle ribbing over his jealousy. She pushed lightly at his chest and he broke the kiss. "You're so jealous," she taunted, playfully.
He blew a raspberry with his lips. "Please. I'm not jealous. I don't get jealous."
"I see," she said. Her tone of voice then shifted to sexy, mock-innocence. "So it wouldn't bother you if I went over there, wearing a low cut top..." She trailed one of her hands between her breasts, pulling down at the collar of her shirt to reveal more cleavage to him. His eyes drifted downward to her breasts and darkened. "Or, if maybe I just happen to feel his huge bicep," she said, running her hands seductively over his chest for emphasis and shamelessly batting her eyelashes.
Nathaniel laughed and leaned down to nip at her neck. He lowered his voice and whispered just below her ear, "Wow, you're really asking for it, aren't you?"
"Maybe I like jealous Nathaniel," she suggested, rubbing the back of his neck as she reveled in the feeling of his hot breath on her neck.
"Oh really?" He pulled away for a moment to quirk an eyebrow at her.
"Mmm hmm," she hummed. "Don't kink shame me."
"Well, in that case, I'm super jealous." He resumed kissing her neck, grinding his hardness against her, and growled, "I want you all to myself. No one else can have you."
Her inner muscles clenched involuntarily at his words and she felt liquid heat pool at her center. She hooked her legs around his back, melding him to her, and she moaned eagerly at the contact. In between kisses, they managed to pull each other's shirts over their heads and discard them onto the floor beside the couch. He trailed down her body and roughly pulled off her leggings, her panties getting caught along with them. He resumed his position over her, but shifted his weight so he could slip a long finger into her and simultaneously press the heel of his palm against her clit.
"I don't want anyone else touching you like this," he said, rhythmically sliding his finger in and out of her and then adding a second to stretch her further. She rose her hips to meet his hand and threw her head back to enjoy his ministrations. As her arousal began to build and tighten, her muscles clamped around his fingers, aching for more.
She whimpered and wrapped her hand around his forearm, applying gentle pressure. Their subtle movements during sex were like their own secret language and he successfully translated this gesture as stop and please more simultaneously. She watched him through hooded eyes as he rose from the couch and removed his pants. After he disrobed the rest of the way, he sat upright against the back of the couch and reached for her to join him. Her muscles felt completely melted, liquefied, and she had to grab his hand and use his strength as leverage to reluctantly sit up. She climbed into his lap and slowly lowered herself onto him, letting herself adjust to him inch-by-agonizing-inch. Face-to-face now, their noses brushed softly, lovingly against each other as she began to move up and down on him. She secured herself by wrapping her arms around his solid shoulders while his arms slung low on her hips.
As she rode him, she decided to indulge in their sportive role play. In her mind she transformed back into the "espresso-haired vixen" that so easily captured Nathaniel's attention the first time they had sex. She put on her best sultry, but authoritative voice and said, "Nathaniel, any other woman touches you and I will rip their fucking hair out." His hips bucked up into her and his face was absolutely wrecked with desire. So she continued, "Because this cock is mine now, you hear me?" She dug her nails into the back of his neck. He groaned in response and his grip on her hips tightened reflexively.
Seeing him like this, completely dumbstruck and at her mercy, was intoxicating. It was a high like no other she had experienced. She felt her climax building quickly and it made her lose all semblance of control. She sped up her pace until she was at the edge of the proverbial cliff. No longer able to formulate words, all she could manage was moaning continuously, while she chased the high of her impending orgasm.
Nathaniel then grabbed her ass with both his hands, taking control of their rhythm and burying himself impossibly deeper within her. With each filthy thrust, her clit pressed up sinfully against him, creating friction exactly where she needed it most. He nudged her body slightly away from his so he look her deeply in the eyes. In a dark, gravelly voice, he commanded, "Nobody gets to fuck you like this ever again except me. Nobody's allowed to make you come but me."
Oh, fuck him. He knew how to play her like a finely tuned instrument, plucking expertly until he struck a resonate middle C within her. White hot pleasure exploded at her core and then ripped through the rest of her body like lightning. Her eyes slammed shut and she pressed her nails hard into his shoulders, inevitably leaving behind a speckling of tiny, crescent indentations.
When she finally regained control of her senses, she registered Nathaniel panting heavily into her neck while his chest repeatedly expanded and contracted against her. Her arms were locked around his shoulders in a death grip and she had no intention of letting go. His hands took residence on her lower back, his arms slack around her. Burying her face in his neck, she tried to absorb every sensation of the moment - his heady smell, the sweat that gathered in the crook of his neck, the sound of his labored breathing in her ear. Even with their bodies still connected, she wanted more. It would never be enough. She could never get close enough.
"You ok? Did you survive?" He chuckled softly and she felt the sound reverberate deep in his chest.
"That was a good one," she huffed, "but don't get cocky."
"I think we may need to invest in some flood insurance for our new house," he quipped, obviously amused with himself.
She groaned and finally pulled away from his neck. A smirk was plastered on his face, his eyebrow arched suggestively. "Wow. How long have you been sitting on that joke?"
"I was waiting for the right moment," he said with a smug, satisfied grin.
"Well, I hope you enjoy getting this flood out of your couch," she snarked as she untangled her limbs from his and scampered off to the shower.
It took a few days for Rebecca to summon the courage to contact Josh. She knew it wouldn't be easy to explain over the phone why she wanted to see him. "I want to apologize for mailing you my poop," wasn't exactly an ideal icebreaker. But after rehearsing the phone call several times in her bathroom mirror, she finally bit the bullet. She ended up simply saying, "I want to talk to you about how things ended with us." While he seemed surprised by her call, he was characterically cheerful and agreed to see her with no hesitation.
He invited her over to his apartment the following weekend. While she was certainly nervous, she was also ready for the conversation to be behind her so she could move forward.
"Hi, thanks for letting me come over," she said when he answered the door. She stood awkwardly in the threshold of his apartment, clutching the apology list in her hands. Josh was cordial, warm actually. (Also, he did get ripped, but she wasn't going to dwell on that fact or mention it to Nathaniel.)
"I'm glad you reached out because I wanted to talk to you too," he replied, stepping away from the door so she could come in. His apartment was simply furnished, with no frills, but it was still inviting and homey. She took a seat on his worn tan couch, a hand-me-down from his parents no doubt, while he retrieved two glasses of water from his kitchen.
"Oh?"
"Yea, I wanted to say thank you," he said, handing her one of the glasses and water and sitting down beside her.
"Thank you?"
"Before I met you, I set the bar so low for myself. But you freed me from that. Whatever my future holds, it's different from what I planned. And that's because of you."
"Wow." To say she was taken aback by his admission was an understatement.
"And the truth is, I was a coward when I left you at the altar. Now I'm trying to break out of my patterns and do the right thing, even when it's the hard thing."
She was impressed. Josh had obviously matured a lot in their time apart. She supposed they both had.
"That is actually a perfect segue into what I wanted to talk to you about. I wrote this list of things I wanted to apologize to you for." She unfolded the paper and cleared her throat. "Listen, after the wedding, or non-wedding, I was in a really bad place and I did some things I'm not proud of. What I did with your mom, for example, was completely unacceptable and I'm sorry."
Josh nodded gratefully, "Thank you for saying that."
"I hope you know I would never do anything to your mom. I was trying to get your attention and I did it in the absolute worst way. And I did kind of stalk your parents' house and try to scare you with the whole teddy bear in the closet thing. I realize now how messed up that was and I'm sorry."
"It's ok. I forg - "
"I also mailed you cupcakes that were actually my poop."
"Ok…"
"And, I don't know if this matters, but I had sex with Greg's dad."
"Um…"
"And I'm sorry I embarrassed you in front of your congregation at priest school. All of these things were misguided to say the least. The point is that I'm really sorry for everything. I hope you can try to understand and forgive me." She folded up the list and looked up at him expectantly.
Josh was clearly confused by some of these confessions, but he shook his head and softened. "Listen, I heard about what a tough time you had then. If you can forgive me for what I did at the wedding, or non-wedding, then I can forgive you too."
"Thank you so much," she sighed and then she reached out and hugged him. Much to her surprise, she didn't feel any kind of rush, any glitter, when she embraced him. At some point a switch had been flipped and now he was just Josh instead of JOSH. When she pulled away, she felt immense relief. By the saying the words out loud to him, it was like she had released them into the world, expelling the poison of them from her body.
Changing the subject, Josh said, "I heard from White Josh and Hector that you've been dating that guy...your boss...the one you kissed while we were engaged."
"Right," she acknowledged regretfully. After all that had happened between she and Nathaniel sometimes she forgot that their first kiss was an infidelity on her part. "I'm sorry about that too. You didn't deserve that."
"No, no. Hey, I'm happy for you. And if he's the guy you were supposed to be with all along, then it worked out for the best. Plus he's friends with White Josh so that means he's my friend too." He seemed genuinely happy for her and it was such a comfort.
"Yea, we're moving in together soon actually."
"Dude, that's awesome. Good for you guys!" he cheered without a hint of irony.
She smiled and looked down at her hands. "Yea, it's great. He's the man..." The words died on her lips. "He's, um, a really amazing boyfriend, actually. I mean, he's not perfect. Neither of us are. We both have our issues. But it works and we're not perfect...together. Like we're two broken puzzle pieces that fit together somehow?"
Josh said nothing and she continued to ramble on, "Sure, at the office he's this cold, no-nonsense, hyper-masculine guy. But then when you get to know him, he's like this sweet, thoughtful, loving man. And both our parents were complete garbage so we understand each other on this deep level and at our cores we're just two people who want someone to love them, you know?"
Clearly this conversation had gotten away from her and Josh's forehead creased in confusion. "Sorry, that was unnecessary amount of detail," she apologized.
He smiled warmly in response and said, "Rebecca, it seems like you're in a really good place now and happy, and that's all I want for you."
"That is really sweet. Thank you. And I'm sorry it took so long for me to apologize. I should have done this a long time ago."
"Becks, we are all good."
She felt like a weight had been lifted from her chest. But the moment was interrupted when her phone vibrated in her purse. "Sorry, do you mind if I check this? We're on baby watch right now."
"Of course."
It was Darryl. She had a feeling this was it. "Hi, Darryl."
"Rebecca, the baby is here! She's perfect, she's just perfect!"
His joy was infectious and she couldn't help but break into a huge grin. "Congratulations, Darryl."
"Heather said she's ok to see people now so I want you and the ladies to come by!"
"Of course, we'll be there as soon as we can."
She hung up the phone and Josh stood and simply said, "Take care, Becks."
"You too, Josh," she replied and it crossed her mind that it might be the last time they spoke, at least one-on-one. She nodded, acknowledging this thought, and then rushed out the door.
Rebecca picked up Nathaniel and they headed straight to the hospital. While she drove, he graciously called Paula and Valencia so she could focus on the road. Her hands fidgeted restlessly, alternating between hitting the steering wheel with her flattened palm and rubbing her sweaty hands over the fabric of her jeans.
When she glanced over at Nathaniel, he was intently watching her. "You ok?"
She re-focused on the road. "I guess I don't know how to feel right now. The baby has been such an abstract concept and now it's becoming real. It's all hitting me at once. I know that this is irrational but I keep thinking...what if there's something wrong with her and somehow it's my fault?"
"When we get there, if you're feeling overwhelmed, you can always just leave the room. I'll be there. Whatever you need, I'll be there, ok?"
She bit her lip and nodded, still staring straight ahead.
They were the first to arrive.
"Hey you two!" Darryl exclaimed when they entered the room. He stood beside Heather's bed, holding the baby, rocking her slowly.
"Hey," Rebecca responded. She hesitantly walked up to Darryl and he stooped low so Rebecca could see the baby. She was tiny, way smaller than Rebecca had imagined. She had a small pale pink beanie on her head. Her eyes were slits, just barely open, and she was tightly swaddled in a blanket. "Oh Darryl, you're right, she is perfect."
"Congratulations, Darryl," Nathaniel chimed in.
"I was thinking about naming her Hebecca. For you and Heather."
Rebecca shot a look to Heather and Heather frowned back. "Maybe keep workshopping that, Darryl," Rebecca said and then approached Heather's bed. She hugged her carefully, trying not to jostle or disturb her. "How are you holding up?"
"I crushed it. I mean, I was dead from the waist down, so that helped," she shrugged.
While Rebecca was talking to Heather, Nathaniel spotted two chairs in the corner of the room and pulled them up next to Heather's bed. He and Rebecca each sat in one and he slung his arm around the back of her chair protectively. As soon as they were seated, Darryl walked over to Rebecca and held out the baby, trying to place her into her arms.
"Oh, I don't know, Darryl," she protested, raising her hands up in a stopping gesture.
"Come on, Rebecca. She's your flesh and blood," Darryl whined.
That hit her right in the stomach. "Ok, ok," she acquiesced and held her arms out to accept the baby.
Darryl guided her arms, which felt awkward and unnatural, saying, "Here, support her head like this."
Once she was finally settled into Rebecca's arms, she gazed down at her pink, wrinkled face in awe. Nathaniel scooted closer to get a better look.
As she held the baby, she felt a warmth spread throughout her chest. She helped create this baby and she was giving her something Rebecca never had. The best father in the world. A father who would never shame her or criticize her. A father who would go to all her games or plays or recitals and who would braid her hair. A father who would love her unconditionally. Tears sprang to her eyes and she looked at Darryl with profound appreciation. He clasped his hands together over his heart, choking back his own tears.
Nathaniel cupped the back of Rebecca's head with his palm and murmured to her, "Hey, look at what a great thing you did." She caught his gaze, which was soft with his admiration for her, and she lost all control of her emotions. Suddenly Rebecca was crying and then Darryl was crying and even Heather looked like she was getting choked up.
As they all shared the moment together, Valencia, Beth, and Paula flooded into the room. Looking at all their emotional faces, Paula said, "Oh god, what's happening? Are you all ok?"
"We're just happy!" Darryl cried.
Paula regarded the tableau of Rebecca, Nathaniel, and the baby together and started tearing up herself. "Oh guys, stop being so cute and let me hold that baby!" Rebecca nodded and Paula expertly swooped in and took the baby from her. Valencia and Beth crowded around Paula and cooed over the baby.
Nathaniel, his arm returning to the back of her chair, leaned in and whispered, "You know, I don't normally like babies because they're disgusting, but I think I can make an exception for this one." A smile pulled at his lips and she laughed while she wiped away her tears.
While the rest of the visitors were preoccupied with the baby, Rebecca excused herself from the room to take a breather outside in the hallway. She collapsed onto a bench and let the tears slide freely down her face.
As she expected, Nathaniel followed close behind, and sat down next to her. "What are you thinking about?"
She wiped at the mascara smeared under her eyes. "You know how I've been thinking a lot lately about the bad stuff I've done? It's been pretty hard to face all of it. But holding that baby and thinking about what a great life she's going to have with Darryl…it made me feel like maybe I'm not a complete fuck up, you know?"
"Rebecca," he slid his arm around her back and pulled her close, "you're not a fuck up. We all do things we're not proud of." He pressed a kiss to her temple. "You did this amazing thing for Darryl. And, you just apologized to Josh. I know you really well and you're a good person."
All this time and he still thought the sun shined out her ass. She nodded and tried to believe his words. It was something that would always be a struggle for her. She rested her head on his shoulder while she took a couple deep breaths and regained her composure.
When they re-entered the room, a nurse was close behind to take the baby back to the nursery. Darryl followed the nurse out, trailing her down the hallway and pestering her with a million questions.
Rebecca walked to the foot of Heather's bed and cleared her throat. "Hey ladies," she started, addressing Paula, Valencia, and Heather. "Listen, since you're all here, I have something I want to say." All the chatter stopped and everyone looked at her curiously. "I know being friends with me is not always easy. I want to apologize for all the times I broke a promise or wasn't there for you as a friend or was too self-involved to listen to your problems or meddled with your business or didn't notice you had an abortion. Ok, some of those are specific to certain people. The point is that I'm trying to get better and I'm sorry for all of it."
The room was silent for a moment and until Paula finally said,"Honey, we are all so proud of you for all the work you've done." Heather and Valencia nodded encouragingly. "Come here," Paula opened her arms to her and Rebecca gladfully went into them.
Valencia came up behind Rebecca and joined the hug. "We love you, girl," she said.
Remembering Heather in her hospital bed, they looked over at her and she held up her hand, "I'm good."
The door opened and Darryl blurted out, "You guys are having a group hug without me?!" He rushed up and wrapped his arms around Paula. "Everybody get in, come on!"
Beth looked to Nathaniel and shrugged. She tucked herself beside Valencia to join in. Nathaniel sighed and awkwardly hovered his long arms around the group.
"Ok, that's enough! It's getting too crowded here. Let's remember I just pushed out a baby out of my vagina!" Heather interrupted. The group dispersed and she followed up with, "Rebecca, I forgive you. I mean, sure you never listened to me but you did spot me rent for like a whole year so I guess we're even."
Once they got back to Nathaniel's place, he started taking out groceries for dinner. He stuck his head in the fridge and called out to her, "Hey, we have the ingredients for that chicken thing we both like. The one that has only four net carbs. Gotta get these ounces off. What do you think?" When she didn't respond, he closed the fridge. She was standing on the other side of the counter, a piece of paper in her hand, her face drawn and solemn.
"What's wrong? You look so serious. Wait, is that," he pointed to the paper in her hand. "Am I getting an apology right now? I told you you don't have to apologize for Trent."
"Why don't you sit down?" She perched on the edge of the sofa, her posture stiffly straight.
He face went slack and he put the food back in the fridge. Then he sat beside her, putting a little space between them.
"This is going to be really hard for me. This has already been an emotional day. But I want to have this talk with you. I cannot put it off any longer."
He swallowed hard. "Whatever it is, we'll work through it, ok?" His voice wavered, betraying his mask of confidence.
She sighed and looked down at the paper. "The first thing is more of a full-disclosure type thing about my past. The last person I slept with before you was my ex-boyfriend's dad." She winced on his behalf. "It was right before my suicide attempt, at my lowest point. I'm not proud of it, but it happened."
He cleared his throat. "Hmm, ok. I mean, that's not great, but it was before we were together. Whoever you slept with before we were together...it doesn't bother me. Just please don't sleep with my dad."
"Right, of course. I'll try to remember that," she chuckled. "Here's the next thing. When we first started dating, I did something really bad." She looked up at the ceiling for a moment, contemplating her words. "Remember when I was taking the hormones for the egg donation?"
He nodded, his face etched with worry, "Yea, of course."
"I'm not using that as an excuse but I just want you to know my state of mind when I did it. One day when I was on the hormones, your laptop was open and I saw Facebook messages between you and another woman...Mona. And I read all the messages."
"Rebecca, there's nothing -" he jumped in.
She held up her hand to stop him. "Stop. I know there's nothing going on. Because the next day I followed you. I was insanely jealous and convinced you were cheating on me, so I followed you to the NAMI meeting. I know you've been going to the family support group this whole time."
"Wow," is all he said. His mouth fell open and his eyebrows climbed high on his forehead.
Words rushed out of her in a flurry, "I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry I snooped. I invaded your privacy and that was wrong. I promise I haven't done anything like that since then. I swear."
He looked down at his hands, avoiding her eyes.
"Please say something. Say anything. If you're mad, I completely understand."
"Obviously I'm not happy you spied on me," he said, still looking down. "I'm not happy you didn't trust me."
She nodded vehemently and touched his knee. "I get it. It was bad. It was really bad."
"But...I know how tough it was being on those hormones. And it was a long time ago. We've been through a lot since then."
"So you forgive me?" she asked in a meek voice.
"Yea, I think I will." He covered the hand resting on his knee with his and squeezed. She beamed at him for a moment but then cast her eyes downward once more.
His eyes flitted to the paper in her hands. "Is there more?"
"Yes, one more thing," she said nervously. She folded the paper and put it aside on the coffee table. She took both of his hands in hers. "I lied to you about something else. Something important."
His eyes flickered all over her face. "What? Please just tell me."
"The worst lie I told you," she started and Nathaniel sucked in a breath and held it, "was every time you told me you loved me and I didn't say it back."
"What?" A soft smile spread slowly across his face.
"I thought I was protecting myself from getting hurt and abandoned. But then I realized that even if I didn't say it, it didn't stop me from falling head-over-heels, completely, ridiculously in love with you. I love you so much."
The breath he had been holding escaped in a rush and his glassy eyes darted away from hers. She clutched his hands tighter and it re-focused his attention back to her.
"Listen to me, I want it all with you. I want to move in with you and be with you every day. I want all our stuff to be ours - not just yours or mine. I want to force you to meet my mother and drag you to terrible family events. I want to be in a relationship with you on Facebook and change my profile picture to some disgustingly cute photo of the two of us. I want to abuse your family's private jet to go to Bora Bora or Paris or Rome together. I want to tell everyone I know I'm in love with you. I want to smother the hell out of you, Plimpton, and I mean it. I'm not going to waste any more time."
His hands trembled in hers and he was stunned speechless. He make a noise that sounded like a strangled breath. "Hey hey," she soothed and she took his face in her hands and leaned forward to press their foreheads together. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was so selfish. You deserved to hear that a long time ago."
For a few moments they simply breathed together, her eyes squeezed shut. Then he finally pulled away, his eyes shining. He had been completely silent throughout her declaration and she was desperate for him to say something. But she was patient, letting him collect himself.
Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he choked out, "Say it again." A tear escaped from one of his eyes and he immediately wiped it away and laughed at himself.
"I love you."
He closed his eyes for a moment. "I want all those things too, you know."
"I know. So you forgive me?"
He scoffed, as if the idea was absurd. He tangled his hands in her hair and kissed her. "Of course I do. I love you so much."
"I love you too."
Rebecca stood in front of the master bathroom mirror, dressed in only a purple pencil skirt and black bra, curling iron settled nearby on the countertop. She brushed on her mascara, frowning when she noticed a black smudge in the corner of her eye.
Nathaniel, a whirlwind as always in the morning, stuck his head in the doorframe, knotting his tie. "Remember, we have a meeting at 9."
"I know, I know. I'll be ready. Hey, would a burn from a curling iron qualify to get me out of this meeting? Maybe a sick day?"
Ignoring her, he asked, "Case notes?"
"Office."
He disappeared into the hallway and she drifted into the bedroom. She pushed her clothes around in the closet until she found the cobalt blue blouse she wanted. Returning to the bathroom, she worked on the finishing touches to her hair and makeup.
Nathaniel rushed into the bathroom and shared the mirror, adjusting his suit jacket and fiddling with his hair. She decided not to mention the fact that they had another bathroom now that he could be using instead.
"Is that a new blouse?"
"You have got to be kidding me." She saw the sides of his mouth curl and she playfully slapped his arm. Turning her back to him, she asked, "Did I miss any?"
He ran his fingers through the back of her hair, "Nope."
"Don't mess it up!" she swatted his hand away and pretended not to notice the conspicuous way he looked down the front of her blouse from his higher vantage point.
They locked eyes in the mirror and he glanced at his watch. "Hey, we have eight minutes to spare."
She turned and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Oh, what do you have in mind?"
"Not that, actually," he said, resting both his hands on her waist. "You know how I've talked about getting out from under my father's thumb? Maybe cashing out of the firm?"
"Yea, why?" This was not a conversation she expected so early on a Monday. But getting Nathaniel to discuss any topic related to his father could be like pulling teeth, so she wasn't going to question it.
"How do you feel about the name Plimpton and Bunch?"
"What do you mean?"
"What if I cash out of my father's firm and we start up our own...as partners?"
Her eyes went wide. This was a possibility they had never discussed. "Oh...wow. Well, my first question would be why does your name get to go first?"
He chuckled, "I would probably put up most of the money, so…"
"Interesting perspective."
"Or, if you like, it could be Plimpton and Plimpton. Then we would never know whose name is first."
She smiled sweetly, but said, "Not a chance in hell. You're dreaming if you think I'm taking that name someday."
He rolled his eyes. "I feel like you're missing the point of my hypothetical."
"No, I'm not missing the point. I like it. I like it a lot. Especially the part where your dad doesn't control any part of your life."
"I like that part too," he agreed and kissed her chastely on the lips.
She moved her hands to both sides of his face and yanked it down closer to hers. "Ugh, I love you so much."
"I know," he replied slyly and looked down at his watch. "Eight minutes are up. We have to go." He released her and marched to the front door, stopping only to pick up his messenger bag along the way. She dragged several paces behind him and, when she arrived at the front door, he snapped his fingers at her. "Carpool leaves now, now, now."
As he locked up behind them, she remarked, "When we have our own firm, I get to set the meeting times, and Mondays at 9am will no longer be an option."
They both walked toward the car. "Sorry, what firm are you referring to? Oh, you mean the future Plimpton and Plimpton?"
"I hope you built a coffee run into this commute because I'm going to need it to deal with whatever mood this is today." They both settled into their respective seats in the car. As she pulled on her seat-belt, she asked, "Won't you miss bossing me around at the office?"
His seat-belt clicked into place. "No," he replied. He slid his fingers over hers in her lap. "Because we're partners."
"That was really sweet, but I still need coffee ASAP."
He winked and put the car into drive. "Anything you say, Mrs. Plimpton."
"Stop it."
