1.8 Father's Day

Rose dropped the Doctor's hand almost as soon as they walked in the TARDIS door. He was being so kind and conscientious in the aftermath of her father's death, and she couldn't take it. She didn't deserve it.

"It's been a long day," she told him quietly, not meeting his concerned gaze. "I'm just gonna…" she gestured vaguely toward the hallway.

"You sure?" the Doctor asked her, trying to catch her eye. She nodded, letting her hair fall into her face to hide the tears that she was struggling to keep from falling.

"I… yeah. Thanks for… thanks." She trailed off, not sure what to say, and then awkwardly made her way from the room. The Doctor's eyes trailed after her, but he didn't follow. Once she hit the hall, she broke into a run, barely making it through her bedroom door before her tears began to fall in earnest. Closing the door behind her, she slumped against it, stifling a sob with her fist. Helpless, she felt herself slide down the door until she was sitting on the floor, her head falling forward onto her knees, her tears now flowing freely as sobs wracked her body.

Rose didn't think she had ever felt more terrible in her entire life. She had thought that she had saved her father's life, only to find that she had imperiled the entire world. She had broken the Doctor's trust. She had said HORRIBLE things to him. She'd caused his death, albeit temporarily, and his rescue was no thanks to her. And in the end, she'd still had to watch her father die. Not only that, she had sent him knowingly to his death.

And the Doctor… the Doctor had forgiven her. Sure, he'd yelled at her first, called her a stupid ape, accused her of using him. But despite all that, he'd forgiven her. She'd killed people with her selfishness, caused the literal end of the world, and all he'd asked for was a "sorry." And then he'd sacrificed himself to keep her safe. To keep her father safe. To protect her from the heartache of losing her dad, a man who she'd never even really known.

And her dad… oh, her dad. He wasn't the man she expected, the paragon that her mum had described to her for so many years, and yet she had loved him, immediately and unconditionally. She had trusted him, and he had trusted her, for no reason at all other than that it felt right. She had told him things that she hadn't even admitted to herself yet, like that her relationship with Mickey was over. And in the end, he had died for her. He had died for all of them. To save the world.

Rose leaned back against the door and rubbed her hands down her face as her sobbing slowed to the occasional sniffle. She was beginning to feel numb. She had been handed the most miraculous opportunity — the chance to explore all of space and time with a brilliant man who asked nothing of her but her company — and she had squandered it. She had acted impulsively, she had ignored his warnings, and she had almost killed them all because she wasn't strong enough to bear losing one man who she barely knew. The Doctor had lost his entire planet, all of his family, all of his species, and she was too selfish and weak to handle even one millionth of his pain. He was going to take her home, she was sure. He SHOULD take her home. He'd had faith in her, and she'd betrayed his trust.

Suddenly, Rose was utterly exhausted. Her arms and legs feeling like lead, she hauled herself to her feet and managed to change into a pair of loose, comfortable pajamas. Without bothering to wash her face or brush her teeth, she climbed onto her soft, welcoming bed for what might be the last time. With a sniffle, she curled onto her side, staring vacantly at the wall in front of her, her heart bruised, her eyes rimmed in red, her face tight from dried tears.

A soft knock sounded at her door. "Rose?" the Doctor asked softly. "May I come in?"

"'Course," Rose answered after a moment, the sound coming out strained, her voice scratchy. This was it, she thought. This was when he told her that she couldn't travel with him anymore, that she was too big of a liability. She couldn't bring herself to sit up to receive his verdict, so she stayed curled on her side.

The door opened, and for once the Doctor entered fully, rather than just sticking his head in. He sat down on the edge of her bed, facing the same wall she'd been starting at. He sat silently for a few moments, and then sighed. This is it, she thought again.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly.

"What?" Rose responded, taken aback. This was not what she'd expected at all.

"I'm sorry," he repeated, turning his head to look at her. "I never should have taken you there. I should have explained better what could happen. I wasn't fair to you. I'm sorry."

"No," Rose replied, biting her lip, "it was my fault. I was so stupid, and so selfish. You told me not to and I just… I couldn't…" She squeezed her eyes closed as they began to fill with tears once more. "I killed you," she whimpered. "I didn't listen, and I killed you, and he still died. He still died." She began to cry again in earnest. "I'm so sorry," she sobbed, "I'm so, so sorry."

"Shh, Rose," the Doctor soothed her, stroking her hair with his calloused hand. "It's okay. We're okay." Carefully, he toed off his boots and removed his leather jacket before lying down beside her and pulling her into his chest. "Shhhh," he hushed her again as he tucked her head under his chin. "It's okay now. It'll all be okay." He tilted his head down and pressed his lips to the top of her head as she curled into him, sobbing into his jumper, clinging to the dampening fabric with tight fists.

The Doctor held the sobbing Rose, rubbing her back and murmuring soothing sounds and words, until she had cried herself out. Then he pulled back slightly, bringing his hand up to push her hair behind her ear and run his thumb over her tear stained cheek. Rose looked up at him, eyes sad.

"Are…" she stumbled over her words and cleared her throat. "Are you gonna take me home now?" Her voice was quiet, and sounded exhausted and resigned.

"Do you want to go home?" the Doctor asked her softly. Holding his gaze, Rose firmly shook her head no. He pressed his forehead to hers briefly before shifting her head and kissing her gently where their heads and just touched. "No, Rose. I won't make you go home."

With a relieved sob, Rose wrapped her arms tightly around him, pulling herself even more tightly into his firm chest and burying her face in his jumper, pressing a firm kiss over each of his hearts.

"Thank you," she murmured, her voice muffled as she kept her face pressed closely to him. "Thank you Doctor."

The Doctor held her close, stroking her hair as she allowed herself to be calmed by the soothing double beat of his hearts, her breathing eventually slowing until she finally fell asleep in his arms.

When she woke up the next morning, she was alone.