A L L U S I V E S
A N D
E S O T E R I C S
Despite Kaya's best efforts, she couldn't make everyone happy.
Although maybe she had, for a little while, but that was it. What was temporary happiness after all in a world where everything is already unchangingly ephemeral? Kaya was in no shape of making sure the people around her were such, as she herself was never able to achieve a feat as unreachable as.. happiness. Happiness in its true glory — was something no one ever understood. Maybe they thought they felt it, but thoughts are fickle and often just white lies adorned with fantasies both old and new.
Kaya did a good job of ensuring a screwed up future for all involved with her, that was for sure. Just look at the people who surrounded her before now. Look at what they've become; souls with nowhere to go so they just wander. She began to think of it as a curse, of some sort, but that would have been absurd. Kaya was imaginative, but in no way delusional. If there was even such a curse, then it would take form as her. She was and is the root of all the tragedies — or perhaps if the word was not to be used lightly — the problems. She may be a bit pretentious and conceited by assuming so, but at the end of the day it was all in her head and nowehere else.
No one had to know what she was actually thinking of.
And that was what made the concept of minds appealing to someone who had so much to hide.
Because it was hard to obscure your feelings. It was hard, in some way, to completely make it seem like it didn't bother you when 'shit hits the fan' as Kaya would have put it. Honestly, it was a good analogy, (or was it metaphor? Kaya wasn't even sure) and explained as much as it didn't. And yes, of course, from the poetic gods and guide above, that didn't make sense – at all, really. It also hurt, the feeling of your heart constricting tightly between the walls of your chest, your heartstrings pulled in all the wrong ways: all so that you could hide an emotion wanting to be let go.
And it hurts as much knowing you failed holding on to those emotions.
Kaya hoped, like she always did, that her efforts paid off in the last moment. To where butterflies would not just fly by their sides on a written script and setting, to where candles are lit and the rose petals are scattered all over the floor for God knows who to clean, to where the food wasn't just convenience store instant ramen almost every single day and to where the smoke didn't follow Kaya to remind her she didn't really deserve it. To.. to where a fantasy is, as much as it can be anyway — real.
And yes, it's farfetched, it's a tale too distant to fulfill but not a tale too tall not to tell.
Sometimes it just takes a bit of believing. A bit of knowing. A bit of learning. A bit of accepting. Just a few of the little things. A meager, a drop, a trickle.
Until all her efforts lead up to the one that matters.
Not to where everyone was happy, no — but to where everything was right.
- - -
Katsuki visited early that day.
Usually, he'd drop by on afternoons, still barring his UA uniform. Though sometimes he changed before he came, wearing a foliate jacket with a white top underneath, military patterned pants and a pair of boots to match the said outfit. Kaya told him once, or maybe twice, yeah, that he was overdressed for a convenience store setting. But the blond only told her that he was in no way overdressed, he just told Kaya she didn't have any fashion taste, especially the Yoake cap she apparently designed. It wasn't much of a puzzle that he disliked (though it's an understatement) the cap as he literally blew it to smithereens, so it wasn't much of a surprise, but Kaya gave an indignant act nonetheless. It seemed amusing at that time.
"Can you do your job?"
"No."
Kaya shrugged, "I figured. You came by real early, so."
"I have some business this noon for jackshit, knew I couldn't come by and spout insults at your face then."
"It's disturbing how I am both touched and offended by that sentence, Katsuki-chan."
Katsuki scrunched up his nose and looked at Kaya incredulously with a scoff, "Are you fucking kidding me? You're offended by everything, woman!"
Well that was rude, "Ah! I'm drawing the line there! I am completely not that. Ever."
Katsuki rose a perfectly shaped brow (damn him and his pretty, structured face), "You're even offended by the wind chimes at this store. Or at the dirt on the soles of your shoes."
Well that was... true, Kaya thought, distinctly remembering how irritable she was to the wind chimes at Yoake, "That— well, that... that was a mistake. How do you even know that? It's.. what. Isn't it illegal to expose someone like this?"
"Really," Katsuki deadpanned, "You glare at those chimes everyday."
"Yeah nope," Kaya popped the 'p', "Not everyday. I'm not here everyday, so you're overruled."
"That's not the fucking point!"
"What? Is it my fault I'm sensitive to anything and everything?"
"Mostly," Katsuki scoffed, "But you're hopelessly okay that way."
"Is.. is that asshole-speak for 'you're fine actually and you're awesome and I wanna marry you or name my child after you'?"
"I would never name my child after your obnoxious existence."
"But you would marry me? Aw, that's so sweet! We can't have a Kaya Jr.?"
"No."
"Yep, I can totally see you're avoiding the marriage topic sweetheart, but ya see we already have a ring?"
"Choke on that ring."
"Kinky."
Katsuki sputtered, but replied eloquently nonetheless, "Bullshit."
"It's not that bad to have me for the rest of your life, yanno. I'm so dreamy."
Katsuki rolled his eyes, "Suit yourself. At least tell me you can fucking cook, woman."
"Of course I can, what do you even mea—" and just then did the words register, "holy fuck did you just—"
"Fuck no."
And Kaya cackled at the expense of Katsuki until noon, where he fled with a sour expression as always — but Kaya was getting used to that. And it was an expression she knew was going to grow on her until it becomes a thing that would eventually hurt when it goes like everything else.
And perhaps that was true, because after that noon, Katsuki didn't return to Yoake for three days.
- - -
Kaya sat alone at The Quill, observing Katou as he served the other customers with a strained but staged smile. They didn't notice it as much as she did, but of course Kaya knew they wouldn't. They didn't know Katou like she did.
She was there because Amira contacted Katou.
Amira found Pogako, all that time, and they wanted to have a civilized conversation between one another. To why they needed Katou for it, Kaya didn't know why. It wasn't like they were ever that concerned of his feelings when they just minded each other.
It was bitter and sickening, unfit for her.
But perhaps it was because of Katsuki.
Kaya didn't want to think about it too much.
Katsuki, after all, didn't come by regularly. Sometimes he misses a day. And.. and that was it. Only a day. No in betweens. And if the events of his last visit was any indication, arriving early, the way he tolerated Kaya's bullshit more so than usual, it was all off. The scowl was off, the gaze was off, the setting was off (but the feeling wasn't).
But Kaya.. Kaya didn't want to think about that. She didn't want to imagine the spike of those blond locks gone. No not those — never those. Not the piercing dark red of his eyes, not his offensive fashion sense, not his gruff laughs, not his voice, not his warmth, not.. not him.
It wasn't gone if she could still feel it. He wasn't gone if she could still feel him. It was alright. He'll come back tomorrow, won't he? Come by with that trademark scowl of his and insulting Kaya before he even fully entered the store.
He had to come back.
Because he promised he could be her anchor.
That he can.
So Kaya will believe.
She had to.
They had to.
"Kaya-chan?" A soft, feminine and familiar voice called out amidst Kaya's musings.
Kaya wasn't that surprised to see Amira standing there. She didn't know if she smiled out of relief that she wasn't as gone as she thought she was, or if it was out of sadness that Amira changed so much.
"Ami," Kaya returned the greetings, "You look worse."
"On the contrary, the people at the brothel might disagree with you."
Kaya was unable to hide her flinch from Amira, and when the soft-spoken girl only smiled sadly at the sight, Kaya felt even more guilty.
"I can't stop doing this job, Kaya-chan. I'm sorry. I can't go back to Yoake anymore."
"I have a flexible moral compass, so your job is fixed. It's alright — it's.. it's fine. But why can't you come back?" And what if he can't anymore too?
"Kaya-chan, I'm not going back to Yoake. I need the money I get from this."
"Ami, you're alone — fending for yourself only."
Amira smiled, "I.. I have a kid."
"A — a kid? That's impossible. I never saw you pregnant."
"I had him three years ago. My brother used to take care of him.. and.. and now he's gone and I need the money. I'm so sorry. Please tell Katou that I truly am sorry. I know I told him I wanted to talk to him but I can't. Please. I don't deserve Pogako. I don't."
"It's alright. It's fine, fine... I'll.. I'll tell him, sure." No, no you can't.
"As a last gift, for everything you've given me," Kaya felt her heart break, "His name is Yoake. Ikuto Yoake."
And Kaya cried.
"That's cheesy as hell, I'm... I'm.." Kaya bit back a sob, "Thank you."
"No. Thank you. It has been a really great pleasure. A nice, good journey with you all, yeah, Kaya-chan?"
".. Yeah."
Amira smiled, this time unreadable, but something in it told Kaya something was breaking, "I'll be going now."
And then she was gone.
Leaving Kaya wondering why all the people who left so much behind never really said goodbye.
