C H A S E R S
A N D
C H A N C E S
Yoake was the only thing Kaya thought she would never, ever lose.
Because people eventually disappear. That's a fact. That's too much of a fact that Kaya doesn't know why people still make the effort to attach themselves to temporary things. Kaya was one of those people, she knew that. That no matter what she says, she'll never be able to deny that she cares too much even when she knew she shouldn't, because didn't caring and loving leave people broken? Didn't they shatter all hopes?
They did.
They did, and most people don't care about that because the hurt was apparently worth it.
And though Kaya knows she's attached far too easily to people, she still made an effort to detach herself from them somehow. Like she did with both Pogako and Amira; she learned their faults and studied their flaws — so it will be much more easier to let go of them permanently once they walk out of her life. And it's working so far. It's working great, actually. It wasn't her fault Amira's brother walked away from her. It wasn't her fault Pogako decided he couldn't stay the same after Amira left. It wasn't her fault Pogako gave false hopes to Katou. It wasn't her fault Amira decided that after all Pogako's sacrificed for her, she will still turn him away — even when she loved him the way he did her. It wasn't her fault that they hurt Katou so much he retreated back into acting like nothing's wrong. It wasn't her burden to take. It was theirs. She keeps repeating on and on that it was their choice to leave. And if they stayed, they wouldn't have much of a future in Yoake, considering the circumstances. It's not going to be her fault anymore now.
But then, it's not just people Kaya gave herself to. It's whatever surrounding her. It's her home. And her home was with Yoake. It will always, always be with Yoake. But it's a store; it couldn't really mean much, could it? Inanimate. Non-living. Something with little significance, yet not temporary. Kaya thought like that once. She followed that pattern, in this life of hers. That as long as it wasn't a person, it wouldn't leave. It can't leave. Though apparently the universe wanted to prove that wrong. That nothing really stays forever, no matter what you do. No matter how hard you believe.
And Kaya doesn't know how to find the fault in this. How will she start to learn a flaw that was never there? How will she make abandoning Yoake a burden easier to carry? How will she accept that the only thing that won't leave, is leaving?
She can't.
It's impossible. That's something she can never do today. Or tomorrow, or the next day. But she knows by time, it'll heal. That maybe when she remembers the store she once owned, five years from now, her heart will still ache and her heartstrings will still tug a little bit painfully, but at the end of the day, she knows that she has accepted it. That she's going to look at the memories of Yoake still standing proud and strong and beautiful with all its purple neon lights with a bittersweet smile, but never with regret that she abandoned it. At least, she hopes. She hopes that she won't come to regret the choice she made. That hopefully somewhere far from here, she would find something worth all the pain.
And what she would find would be the change she wanted to see and live.
Now that she's about to lose the one thing she thought was certain, she hoped that one day she wouldn't lose herself too.
(But maybe she already has.)
- - -
Kaya thought she would have to break the news to her two remaining employees by feeding them lies about having to do this not because of her selfish means, but she didn't have to do that, apparently.
"We know already, Kaya-chan," said Jinks, and he was already holding his Yoake uniform in his hands. It was folded perfectly, neat and nice, the Yoake cap on top of it. Jinks' hands were quivering under the clothes, and it almost broke through Kaya's resolve to not cry in front of her employees, although she was younger, because that'd be lame, right? She should be a little bit like the boss she should be now. She should come off as someone strong.
"And we don't blame you at all." finished Yoru, doing the very same thing Jinks was doing: holding out his uniform. Though it wasn't folded as meticulously as Jinks' was, and it made Kaya chuckle a little bit.
It was then that Kaya heard the sobbing. The sniffling. It wouldn't take a genius to know that it was Yoru who was starting that and Kaya basically begged herself not to look, because if she did, she knew she'd burst into tears too.
"We're.. we're proud that you were our boss. Like, really. I'm probably a handful, and you still stuck with me. I'm not as capable as Jinks and.. and still," Yoru sobbed out, "Thank you."
Jinks nodded, "Yeah, thank you, Kaya-chan. You're the best boss we could've asked for."
With tears almost on the way, Kaya held them back with a smile, "Yeah right. I'm your only boss."
And they shared one last laugh.
"Keep your uniforms, please," pleaded Kaya, "so when you go you'll remember this little place someday. And that you were part of this even for a short while."
Jinks and Yoru smiled, now holding the uniforms close to their chest. And with heavy hearts and strained smiles they walked out of the store, the chime tingling as they left.
Kaya frowned, hearing the sound. She chose to ignore it, and looked around the place that was once Yoake. The shelves were set aside, all empty. The floor was slightly dusted and the walls were painted white; not black and lavender. The counter's gone too. And all that's actually left are empty boxes. The place was deserted. You would never be able to tell now that this was actually Yoake, save for the heater that was casually wrapped differently than the other appliances.
Kaya didn't know why she did that to the heater, really. Maybe it meant too much to her now, because of Katsuki. Maybe it was because when she leaves, it'll be the only thing she'll ever remember about him. Because she doesn't know if she'll remember him or not, if she forced herself to change. She doesn't know if she'll manage not to forget something both painful and beautiful.
Ah, but maybe she'll remember him after all. Because he was the one who she made her anchor. She was the one who made him promise not to let her go but here she was; the hypocrite. The one letting go. Katsuki was the one who Kaya wanted to know more about. He was the one Kaya couldn't stop but attach herself to. She doesn't know why — maybe there's a pull circling him, making Kaya gravitate around him always. Making Kaya comfortable in his presence, making Kaya feel like she was the safest she could be.
And yes; Kaya knows why. Kaya knows what she feels, she knows what this is. It was the question why that she couldn't answer. The only thing she knew was that if it's Katsuki, it's worth it. If it's him, maybe she could learn how to trust and to forgive and to care.
Kaya cared about the hot-headed blond; she cared more than she wanted to. It's different from the way she cares about Katou, about Pogako and Amira. It's different about how she once cared about Missa.
And no it's not that kind of love — but something so close to it. She's too green to pretend that she feels something so strong and unhindered. All she knows is that she wanted to let him know that she has always believed in him, and no matter where she may go, she'll always carry a part of him. As a thank you. As an act of gratitude for keeping up with her for this long. Kaya knows she's often annoying and vexing. She knows she's not the best company, and she's grateful that Katsuki hasn't pretended at first to be kind to someone like her. It's a fresh start for the both of them that fateful night, meeting someone who would accept them for who they are.
And if he decided to come by today, of all days, she had one more thing to give him, Kaya thought, sparing the white violets from across the room a glance. She took the flowers and the heater and left, not bothering to remove the chime.
And when the chime tingled, she took great comfort in knowing that that was the last time she'll ever hear the sound of someone leaving.
Kaya held tightly to the cigarette between her fingers, creasing and bending the tobacco until it eventually fled the confines of her hands.
The smoke has yet to fade away. But she knows it will go one day.
Kaya looked up to see the metal covers. She smiled, she's going to do this for the last time too. She hooked her fingers on the handle of the covers and pulled down, savoring the scratching of the metal against concrete.
And it was right then that she heard his voice.
"Why the fuck are you locking up?"
Standing there was Katsuki, with Jinks and Yoru behind him. He already knows, then, and Kaya thought she would be able to breathe easier with him around her but it wasn't, it was always like this with him, he was unpredictable and Kaya never knew how he'd react.
Though there was something different about him today. He was battered, clearly beaten up due to the amount of bandages that covered both his torso and limbs. But nevertheless, he still looked like always: confident and proud. And Kaya couldn't be more happier to have a reminder of that.
Kaya swallowed and pushed the tears back.
"I can't lock up?" Kaya recited, a bittersweet smile hanging on her lips.
"Yeah. because.. guess what, I'm going to buy." Katsuki replied, playing his part — though he recited with a calmer, significantly lower tone. And Kaya thought she imagined his voice break, even just a tiny bit, for someone like him.
"Afraid not, sweetcheeks. Maybe the next store has what you want."
"Yeah?" Katsuki scoffed, "They don't have you."
Kaya didn't know what came first — her broken laugh or her tears. She didn't know what came to crack her shallow flower pot, but all her options end with Katsuki. It all ends with him. Starts with him.
"Katsuki-chan, where have you been? The ramen's cold already."
"Well, I'm fucking sorry for being kidnapped, then."
"Wait, what? Oh my god, that's crazy. You're crazy. Are you okay?"
Katsuki scrunched up his nose like what Kaya asked was insulting, "Of course I am. And you, as always, look like utter shit."
"That's not fair. I'm just sobbing ugly over here but you look like you've been run over by a truck but then.." Kaya sighed, "Ah. Who cares. You still look good even with all those bruises. This is so unfair."
"I always look damn good, woman."
"Yes, that's why it's unfair, you fruitcake."
"Fruitcake?"
"Adorable. Say it again."
"Shut up. Don't just fucking change the topic again. Why are you locking up, you idiotic woman?"
"I'm giving this up now, Katsuki-chan."
"I repeat, you're a fucking idiot."
Kaya would have laughed a bit at that, but all she managed was a tired smile, "It's alright. It's what I have to do to let go. You should too."
"You told me to hold on to you, right? Fucking stick with it."
"It's not worth it anymore."
"I didn't say it was," Katsuki clicked his tongue, "Isn't this your dream? Shouldn't you give a damn?"
"It was, once," Kaya felt a pang in her chest, "but now I realize that my dream is to change. And become better than this, I suppose. Because, you know, Katsuki-chan.. I've always lived in a fantasy where I thought everything was broken. And I don't want to live that fantasy anymore."
"And because of that, I think you can let go now," continued Kaya, her voice breaking in the end, because it hurt to say that— because deep inside her she knew she didn't want him to go, "I want to try holding on to myself rather than finding someone to fulfill it for me."
"Fine," Katsuki gritted out, "Fucking fine, Kaya. Just make sure that when you come back — you've already achieved your dream. You've finally changed. Alright, woman?"
"Sure, Katsuki-chan," Kaya grinned, "let's achieve these dreams together."
"You fucking bet we will."
"And hey, Katsuki-chan? I totally knew you'd be back today. I'm amazing," Katsuki rolled his eyes at that, "So. These are for you."
Katsuki looked at the white violets offered to him with an eyebrow raised, but accepted it with a scowl nonetheless, "And these are for?"
"They're white violets. Look up their meaning, or something. It's not cool if I say it, yanno," said Kaya with a cackle.
"Thank you, Katsuki-chan."
Kaya pressed her lips to Katsuki's forehead, for a short while, and the blond blinked for a few times.
Kaya only smiled and bid one last farewell.
"I'll wait."
Katsuki went home that night with his heart pounding in his chest.
- - -
Katsuki tossed and turned in his bed after their interaction with the newfound flower's meaning dancing in his thoughts:
Let's take a chance.
And he decided, that night, that they will.
Because really, haven't they waited long enough?
- - -
a / n ;uwu what's this? development? but no? it's crap? i have a feeling that this whole chapter was cringey. i feel the end so much it makes me sigh. can't believe it's been like a year since i made this since i officially started august 2017 and i just reposted the first few chaps at ff. thank you all so much for sticking with me. (:
Savage Kill : yes, that was exactly what i was going for! thanks for reviewing!
and omg we've reached the 50 mark for favorites and follows! thank u all and i love u!
