Author's Chapter Notes:

"Sex is a natural function. You can't make it happen, but you can teach people to let it happen." Dr. William H. Masters


She cleared her throat and began. "I suppose it all started fourth year."

"Huh?" Harry squawked in disbelief.

"Calm down, it's not what you think," she assured him. "I was fifteen, confused about Ron, and not too sure about myself. Viktor came into the library one day, said that he liked pretty witches with brains, and asked if I had a wizard for the Yule Ball. You could have knocked me over with a feather! He was the first male aside from Daddy who ever said I was pretty and smart in the same sentence."

"I'm sorry for never saying it," he said.

"Love, you were fourteen and just as confused as I was. Anyway, we continued our...association after the ball. Viktor gave me my first kiss and many after that, but nothing much beyond that. I was only fifteen after all, but I did realize that hey, I'm a girl and it was possible for a boy to like me. So he went back to Bulgaria and I hoped that things would start with Ron."

She absently plucked at the sheet. "So let's fast-forward to after the war. Ron and I finally got together."

She thought carefully about her next words. "It's hard to accurately describe what happened. He became lazy...he stopped trying, that's a better way to say it. I guess he figured that he finally had me and that was enough. Those first couple of months things were good. I was in love, for my part anyway, and genuinely happy to be with him. Things started unraveling when the Cannons took him on."

She let out a sigh and he squeezed her hand in comfort. This was obviously hard for her to talk about, because she never really talked about the reason behind the famous break-up. "I was happy for him, happy that his dreams were coming true. He was away a lot for training and matches, but I figured that being a good girlfriend meant putting up with his job. That's what girlfriends of professional Quidditch players do, or so he told me."

"He told you that?" Harry asked, wanting to box Ron's ears himself.

"As his career grew, our relationship shrank, that's the best way I can put it. The romance, excitement, affection, attention- it all faded, and it showed in our love life. Don't get me wrong, sex isn't everything in a relationship, but it became nothing more a chore for me. No fulfillment, no pleasure, no affection- just him flopping into the bed, rutting for a few minutes to get his jollies, and going to sleep."

"What in the world was he thinking?" Harry asked, bewildered.

"Please don't think the worst of him. He's a good man, our best friend, but he's just got an odd idea in his head of how witches are supposed to be."

As far as Harry was concerned, Hermione had a body fit to be worshiped, and to be the recipient of her love and affection made him feel like the most fortunate man on Earth. Yes, Ron indeed suffered from temporary insanity.

"During that big fight, I found out what he was thinking. Quite simply, he thought that I should be more like his mother. Again, don't get me wrong, I love Molly to pieces, but I'm not a house frau and I never will be. Yes, I want to be a wife and mother someday, but not to the exclusion of everything else."

"And he disagreed."

"Did he ever, and the insults flew like those insane birds from that scary Hitchcock movie*. He said that I was a frigid, uncaring bitch and that I should feel lucky to even be with him. I came back with that I would be better off with a deaf and blind mute, and well... you know the rest. Our very public breakup even made the papers. After a few weeks of blubbering into cartons of ice cream and living with my parents, I started seeing blokes at the Ministry. A few dates here and there, nothing more. I was worried that most wizards were like Ron until I talked to Molly. Believe it or not, she was on my side. She said that he was raised better than that, better than to treat a witch so poorly, but there was nothing they could do. He was out on his own and would have to learn the hard way."

"But he hasn't learned."

She shrugged. "I don't know, and as harsh as it sounds, I no longer care. He's plenty old enough to know better. Anyway, it was about a year later before I got into another wizard's bed. You know about that one."

"Yeah, the married one, nice thing to find out about three months later."

"I'm still mortified about that, you know."

"Don't. That lying piece of rat shit hid it well."

"I feel that I have to warn you about the next episode of the story. It's when I discovered what I like, what I don't like, and not to be ashamed of exploring and taking full advantage of my sexuality."

She cleared her throat, still not entirely sure about disclosing her biggest secret. The only person on the planet who knew was Ginny. Her red-headed friend wasn't going to tell, because she went to the bordello herself once on a drunken whim when she broke up with Harry and suggested it to Hermione. Has she ever told Wayne?

"His name was Anton, but that probably wasn't his real name. Gigolos often go by an alias."

"A what?" Am I hearing correctly?

She huffed. "A gigolo, Harry. Men that are paid to have sex. If you want me to leave, just tell me now."

"I know what gigolos are, and no, don't leave. I'm shocked out of my socks, if I was wearing any."

"Do you want to hear more?"

"Well, you just can't say something like that and leave me hanging. Go ahead, I'm not angry, just very shocked."

"Anton was an older man who knew the crux of my problem right away. I paid good money to see him exclusively every time I went to the...bordello. He was patient, fun, and most importantly, kind to me. For eight months, I enthusiastically learned about a man and a woman's capacity for pleasure and excitement. He often joked that I was an excellent pupil."

"You were always one for learning."

"I soaked it up like a sponge. It paid off in spades when Anton left for greener pastures and I played the field with a new-found confidence. I didn't bounce from bed to bed like a slag, but I chose carefully. About the time I took that Lycanthropy legislation to the Wizengamot I was in my first normal, healthy relationship."

"That Brinley bloke?"

"Yes, Brinley. We broke up because of timing, mainly. He wanted kids right away, I didn't. We parted amicably, still friends to this day."

"Then Wayne."

She giggled. "Who I introduced to Ginny when she dropped her handbag on his foot."

"She was worried that you would call her out for stealing Wayne from you," Harry said.

"When I did that Ministry Exchange program in Italy for six months, I dated an Italian Charms teacher who also owned a restaurant."

"That explains why you cook Italian so well."

"When I returned from Italy, I went through a dry spell because my career was taking off. Then that idiotic rabbit thing happened, prompting the transfer to the law office."

"And Trace."

"Who I truly thought was the one, but none of that matters. I'm with you now."

"I thank you for that, but I still want to shake some sense into Ron."

"Love, if the examples of you, Arthur, his brothers- the ones closest to him who enjoy normal, lasting relationships isn't convincing enough, I'm afraid nothing is. He's a grown wizard, he needs to figure it out on his own."


The next morning, Ron sat at the dining room table with toast, eggs, and tea while he read the paper. Harry and Hermione, still in dressing gowns, came into the room and greeted him good morning. He grunted in response. They left with cereal, bowls, spoons, and milk and went to the library. He finished his breakfast, glanced at the two enjoying cereal in front of the telly, and continued to his room. After a few steps however, he paused and listened at the corner of the corridor. Maybe they would talk about the party he missed.

"Ron was funny this morning," she said.

"He's just grumpy because no witch graced his bed last night, despite arriving with seven of them," Harry said.

Hermione snorted indelicately. "That's because no witch in her right mind would bed him a second time."

Ron couldn't believe his ears. Come on, Harry, be a mate, say something! Unfortunately, Hermione spoke again.

"Don't look at me like that! You know it's true because you're trying not to laugh! Unless Won-won has picked up some new moves over the years, the poor witch who shares his bed has to frig herself once he's done. Why do you think I'm so good at it?" she asked lightly, causing to Harry choke on his cereal.

Ron couldn't listen to anymore. Did Hermione (best friend and ex-girlfriend) and an untold number of witches see him as a cad who apparently wasn't that good in bed? Sweet Merlin, does mum think I'm a cad? He wished the ground would just open up and swallow him whole.

As November passed, Harry noted positive changes in Ron. He drank less, visited with his family more often, and not a witch was in sight. Because of the changes, he was able to rededicate himself to Quidditch and the Cannons found themselves in third place in the league the last week of November.

Always a strategist, he started socializing with couples without being intrusive to listen and observe everything that went on. Sometimes it felt like he was starting over and he knew that he had a lot of work to do. His favorite couples to observe were Harry and Hermione, because they were so quirky, and Ginny and Wayne. Hermione and Ginny didn't put up with any of Harry and Wayne's crap, but their headstrong ways didn't affect the loving nature of their relationships. If anything, Harry and Wayne were turned on by the stubborn and sassy ways of their witches. They fought spectacularly and made up just as spectacularly. Harry and Hermione didn't have change their personalities, so whatever they were doing was working. He couldn't believe he had teased Harry for being whipped. He was finally happy and content, so he must have sounded like such a git for begrudging him for it. Harry didn't prance around spouting love sonnets, (Hermione would gag him if he tried) but he knew exactly what to say to bring a sweet smile to Hermione's face. By the sounds that came from his bedroom, he knew exactly what to do to make her sing his praises to the heavens. With Hermione, Harry had it all coming and going.


November 25, 2009

Hermione knocked on her boss's door. He beckoned her inside.

"Sir, I need to head over the Hit Wizards to file an incident report."

He set his papers down. "Are you in some kind of trouble?"

"No, sir, but I need something documented in case something does happen. You never know with some people."

He closed his door with a wave of his hand. "Tell me from the beginning."

She explained about the reporter she had silenced at the graveyard on October 31. Since then, he had written several articles that toed the line between legality and libel.

"I'm not going to say that he's stalking me, but twice I've seen him outside of my flat when I've never seen him there before. He shows up in the canteen here, waiting in the Atrium when I arrive, at the bookstore, basically-"

"He won't leave you alone?"

"Precisely sir. It's not criminal, but it's starting to bother me."

"Does Harry know?"

"Some of it, yes, but I don't want to involve him in a petty dispute with a bottom-feeding reporter. He's had enough of that and I want to spare him from it. He's got enough to do and this is a Hit Wizard matter. I can take care of it."

**

Two days later, Harry was preparing to meet Hermione for lunch when Ron came into his office.

"No training today? Come to lunch with us, it's rice curry day," Harry said.

"Hermione's been arrested. She's over in the Hit Wizard detention ward," Ron said.

"Very funny," Harry said.

"I'm not joking. I was there."

Harry grabbed his cloak and left the office with Ron. The walk to the Hit Wizard took only a few minutes and they found Hermione's boss in the Head Hit Wizard's office. They caught the end of the conversation.

"-and we can't be seen as playing favorites. The law is the law, I'm sure she knows this. We all know Miss Granger, and I'm sure her lapse in judgment can be explained, but it will have to be explained in court. When her bail is posted--"

He saw Harry waiting outside of the office.

"You might as well come in too, Potter."

"What happened?"

"A verbal dispute with a reporter that turned physical. Both Miss Granger and the reporter are charged with public dueling, disturbing the peace, and assault. Additionally, Miss Granger has pressed charges of stalking and libel."

"She mentioned an incident report a couple of days ago and said that she could take care of it," Harry said.

The Hit Wizard held up the incident report in question.

"She brought the concern to me as well, but I never imagined things would come to this," Allbright said.

**

In the detention wards, they were relieved to see Hermione sitting at the watch desk playing cards with a young Hit Wizard, her left hand shackled to the floor. He hurried to her and engulfed her in a hug.

"How are you?" he asked.

"Feeling really stupid," she said.

"At least you're not in a cell," Allbright said.

"She's not a danger to anyone, she's not a flight risk, and we know she's good for bail. Our chief saw no reason to throw her in a cell, but I can't say the same for him," he said, gesturing to the reporter who was in a cell. "He swung his camera at one of the apprehending wizards."

"Cor, that was an accident!" he called out from the cell.

"As your advocate, I must advise that you say no more about the events of this case until your Wizengamot appearance," Allbright said.

"Yes, sir," Hermione said.

"What now?" Ron asked.

The Hit Wizard who apprehended Hermione came into the ward and spoke. "After her bail is posted and the Wizengamot Services serves her a date of appearance, she'll be free to go."

"Sorry to make you miss lunch, today was curry rice day in the canteen," she said. "Ron, are you doing anything today?"

"No, why?"

"Can you go and let my parents know what's happened?" she asked.


Chapter End Notes:

Okay folks, here's my awful cold pizza-bad sex analogy: Bad sex is like cold pizza; it's cold, but it's still pizza.

*The Birds, a freaky Alfred Hitchcock film