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Heart of a Woman
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November 1995
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I rolled over and found the bed empty and cold. Groggily, I got out of bed and made my morning trip to the bathroom before searching the house for Edward.
I hoped he didn't leave because that would have sucked. When I reached the living room I found him laying on the sofa, face up, and stiff as a board. He had his arms crossed over his chest and looked almost dead. It was frightening.
"Edward! Psst… Edward, wake up." I shook him a bit and he sat straight up. I jumped back a mile. "Hey, don't do that. You scared the shit out of me." I laughed nervously.
I watched him take in his surroundings. He was white as a sheet, which was a feat for him since he was so dark from working in the sun. He still hadn't looked at me and I wondered what was wrong.
"Edward, what's going on? You don't look so good."
He looked up at me finally and relaxed as he sagged into the sofa.
He shook his head back and forth almost like he was having an internal conversation. "You have a ghost. She scared the shit out of me, Bella." I laughed, as I bent over holding my stomach.
"Que? I'm not kidding. Don't laugh at me," he scoffed. He was pissed, which made it even funnier to me.
"I know I have a ghost, just never seen it before. But wait, you saw her? It's a girl?"
"Yeah, she stood there in a white nightgown, just watching me while I slept. I was so scared, I couldn't move. I just stayed here praying she wouldn't kill me." He pointed right in front of him to a spot in the middle of the room, right next to me.
I was still chuckling because I found it hilarious, he was so scared. The truth was I had felt a ghost in my apartment many times, and she did stuff for me around here. If I left a light on, she'd turn it off. I actually liked having her around. However, I was upset that he got to see her and she'd never shown herself to me.
"Stop being such a pussy, she won't do anything to you; she's nice," I joked.
He shot back quickly, "Fuck you," he shot back quickly, before laughing and standing to hug and kiss me.
"So how about I make us some breakfast, and we can talk about the things you said you would explain to me." I looked at him hoping he still wanted to tell me what had been going on. He nodded and walked off to the bathroom.
~AL~
We sat at my small kitchen table while sipping coffee and eating the bacon and eggs that I made. I sat silently waiting for him to start explaining.
Finally, after his last bite of food, he washed it down with a sip of coffee, and looked up at me with an odd expression. "Look, I know you think I'm this crazy person who gave you whiplash, but…" He looked down again steeling himself to continue.
I wondered what was so difficult for him to say. I reached for his hand. "You can tell me anything. I won't judge. I just want to know. I think you owe me that much, no?"
His jaw clenched and unclenched until he continued. "Jane and I had been going through some really tough times. Deal-breaker type stuff. It all blindsided me and I didn't know how to handle it. So that's what I had planned on happening." He rubbed his fingers over the table in small lines, like he was rubbing something off it.
"Then I met you, believing my marriage was over, and I fell for you instantly. And we grew closer as friends–we clicked. I wanted to pursue a relationship with you." He fidgeted anxiously and scrubbed his face with his hands.
"Even though I was still living with Jane and married, it didn't matter because we were in agreement that it was over. We just had to settle things until we found places to live and would eventually file for divorce." He cleared his throat. "But then she came home from work one day and begged, cried, and pleaded for us to work it out. I felt bad and she is my wife, so I felt like I had to give it one more shot." He shrugged.
"I thought it would be different and we could be better. Then I thought about you, and I was crushed. And since things changed at home I didn't want to lead you on; that's why I told you what I did. I'm sorry, it was wrong. I should have told you the truth, but I was embarrassed that I was backing out of … us." His hand motioned back and forth between us. His brows began to crease together in frustration.
"Things just weren't the same and I couldn't stay. I packed up my shit and moved in with Peter."
I looked down at the table and found myself an interesting knot in the wood to rub. "I don't know what happened between you two. Are you going to tell me?"
His eyes closed tightly and he shook his head. "No, I can't. Not yet."
"I don't understand why there are secrets between us already. It's so hard to get you to talk about personal feelings type stuff. It's just weird."
His teeth clenched again and ground out, "I just can't yet."
I took a deep breath and blew it out in a gush. "Whatever. So what does this all mean for us?"
This time he grabbed my hand and squeezed it. "It means that I'll be filing for a divorce and I want a relationship with you." His emerald eyes met mine. "Do you want to be with me?"
"I do, but I don't want to go back and forth with this again. I mean if we're going to do this, we need to commit."
Hurt filled his eyes. He knew I was calling him out, and although I understood his marriage was his priority, I also knew that he should have waited to initiate something with me before he was at least separated.
My situation was different. Regardless of what Mike had said to me, fell on deaf ears. I was not in love with him anymore and it was mean of me to lead him on that way. I had to let him go. Was I selfish? Yes. I wanted him there to help with Matthew so I could work without worrying about picking him up at a certain time or shuffling him around.
"I had to give it one more shot, Bella, but there's no going back now. I'm done with that and ready for a fresh start." A sly smirk graced his face and his eyes sparkled. He truly was beautiful.
I wondered for a brief moment if it was a good idea for us to enter into another commitment so quickly after ending one. But when I looked into his eyes, I couldn't help but want him. I needed him.
~AL~
Nothing really changed between Edward and I. We still hung out at work. We didn't tell people we were together, except for our four closest friends, and we spent most of our free time together. That was pretty much how it was before. The only difference was we were acting like a couple: holding hands, kissing, snuggling, and sleeping together.
He showed me in all of his actions the amount of kindness he had in his soul. He showered me with love with all of the things he did for me. He truly was a beautiful person inside and out.
One night, I was working and not feeling well. I was cramping really bad, and he called me to see how I was, not knowing I was feeling sick. When I answered the phone in my office, he noticed right away the change in my voice.
"Amorcito, what's wrong?" he asked in a panic.
"I don't know. I keep getting these really sharp pains like I have cramps, but they're much worse. I can barely move and I feel faint." I wanted to cry, the pain was so bad.
I laid my head on the desk while talking to him.
"Why don't you go home?" he asked.
"I can't. I'm the only one here tonight. Derek called out sick." It sucked. I had to stay even though I was sick and had to do double the work. Life wasn't fair.
"Well, if you're not better by tomorrow morning I'm coming over to take you to Emergency Room. Okay?"
"Yeah, okay. I've gotta let you go. I have too much to do and I just want this night to end. I'll call you in the morning." We hung up and I rested for a while longer until I had to get up and walk the payloads out to the aircrafts.
I was miserable. The pain shot through me in spurts and it felt like the worst period of my life was coming on.
I went home that night and got ready for bed. I noticed I was spotting a bit and was relieved. I hoped the sooner my period came, the sooner the pain would go away.
It was wishful thinking because when I woke up the next morning at five-thirty with cramps so bad I was sweating, I knew something was very wrong. I went to the bathroom only to discover the bleeding was much too heavy.
I didn't know what to do, so I called Edward.
I was crying from the pain, and even with my high tolerance for pain, I couldn't take it. It was too much.
Edward came right away, pulled out some sweat pants and a sweatshirt for me to put on, and took me to the hospital.
He drove me to Freeman Medical Center in Marina Del Rey. He carried me the few feet into the ER and signed me in.
I hated emergency rooms because they were always so crowded and the wait was too long. However, that morning I was lucky it was quite empty.
After the ton of paperwork was filled out, I waited for my name to be called. Edward held me on his lap and cradled me.
Wooden chairs with thin blue cushions scattered the room. The walls were a stark white with grey linoleum flooring. It was freezing in there. The air conditioning was gusting out of the vents like a hurricane. I buried myself even further into Edward hoping he could keep me warm.
We waited a half an hour until my name was called and Edward reluctantly set me down on the floor. I stood at half height, as I was hunched over from the pain and seriously afraid to move fearing a sudden gush of blood to cause a leak.
I walked toward the nurse and noticed Edward wasn't following. So I questioned him with my eyes and he followed along.
The nurse smiled and asked us to follow her to our room. It was more of big room with beds lined up on two walls. Curtains hung between the beds to give the patients privacy. All I wanted was to curl up on one of those awful beds.
"Here's a gown; please put it on and I'll be right back." She handed it to me and walked out of the curtained area.
I asked Edward to help me. After he did so, he sat silently on the other side of the bed in a visitor's chair.
The nurse came back in and rattled off some questions, and I gave answers along with my symptoms. She took my temperature, blood pressure, and oxygen level.
"Oh, you have a fever of one hundred and one point nine," the nurse said quietly, as she jotted everything down.
I nodded and asked if I could lie down. I was feeling very faint and couldn't stay sitting up any longer.
"Sure, dear. the doctor will be with you shortly." She exited my room and left us alone.
"How are you feeling?" Edward asked with worry in his voice. He gently held my hand while he rubbed my thigh in soothing strokes.
"I'm in pain and very dizzy. It's getting worse and it shouldn't be." He looked scared, and I felt bad for dragging him there with me, but I needed him.
"Knock, knock," said a male voice.
"Come in," I croaked out barely able to speak.
"Hi, how are you today? I'm Doctor Crowley." He was much too cheerful for me in that moment.
"I'm not doing so good." I turned to face him a bit but remained lying down.
"So what brings you here today?" I don't know why they ask that after I've already told the check-in lady and the nurse that brought me back there, but they always seemed to make you repeat yourself a million times. I sighed in frustration because my tolerance was nonexistent given the circumstances.
"Let's see … I started cramping last night with some spotting, and this morning the pain was worse accompanied by heavy bleeding. The nurse said I have a fever, and I feel very faint." There, I gave him the gist of it all.
He looked over at Edward and then back at me.
"Okay, when was your last menstrual cycle?"
"Umm …" I looked at Edward for help, but he wouldn't have known. Then I looked at the curtain and began to count backward until August. August? Oh no!
I flashed Edward a look and then looked at the doctor apprehensively. "I think it was the end of August beginning of September. I'm not sure because I don't write it down."
That time I flashed Edward an apprehensive look to see if he caught on, and I assumed he did, as he was white as a ghost with beads of sweat on his forehead.
"Well, I'm going to order some blood tests and an ultrasound. I'll be right back, okay?" And with that, he scurried out of the room.
I laid there staring at the ceiling as the reality of what was happening to me set in.
Edward suddenly leaned over me and kissed my lips and my eyes, and I felt the tears run down into my ears. "It'll be okay. Don't worry. We'll get through this."
I just wasn't sure how we'd get through it. I didn't know what to think. It was all very overwhelming and confusing to me.
If I was pregnant all that time … how did I not know?
My tears flowed into my hair like rushing rivers, and I was mad that my pain and anger couldn't flow out with them.
Edward just held on to me the best he could and laid his head next to mine while he caressed my cheek with his long fingers.
I had no idea how long it took for the nurse to come in with the blood kit; she did her thing quickly and efficiently and left. Very few words were exchanged and for that I was relieved. I didn't want to speak. I was at a loss for words and afraid that if I opened my mouth the gut-wrenching sobs fighting for release inside me would win.
I had to numb myself and tamp down my emotions, because I didn't want to freak out before I knew the results. But something deep down inside me knew what it meant. I squeezed my eyes shut and clenched my jaw to push it all back down.
Edward and I lay still so long we didn't realize how much time passed. The numbness took over, and I felt drained and lifeless.
I heard squeaky wheels roll toward us before Dr. Crowley and the nurse entered our hellhole. The nurse positioned the ultrasound machine next to the bed and began to set it up, as Dr. Crowley looked at his clipboard. I glanced at the clock only to realize we'd been there for over two hours already.
Dr. Crowley sat on a stool next to my bed. He looked at me with compassion and what seemed like pity. "We have the blood results back, but I'd like to run the ultrasound before I give you both a diagnosis. Okay?"
He asked me to lower the blanket below my waist and raise the gown above my belly. Then he warned me about the temperature of the blue gel he squirted on my stomach. I flinched because even with the warning my body still reacted to the cold.
I tilted my head a bit and watched the screen as the doctor turned it on and got the wand ready. He pushed the rounded tip into my abdomen and began moving it around slowly. I watched him as he watched the screen. I wanted to see his reactions, but he gave nothing away. His face was blank, and I had no idea what he was going to tell us.
He swirled the wand around a few more times and flicked a few switches before he placed the wand back on the machine. The nurse took over and began cleaning it up after she handed me a paper towel to wipe the gel off.
I was anxious to know my fate regardless of the outcome. I was afraid, but I steeled myself as I put on a brave face.
"Well, Mrs. Newton you were pregnant but have miscarried. The hCG levels were lower than normal, and we did not find a heartbeat with the ultrasound. We'll need to perform a D & C, as the miscarriage was not complete. Do you have any questions?"
I shook my head because I had heard of a D&C before and knew what it was. I stayed completely still, afraid to move a muscle. Edward followed my lead and said he didn't have any questions either.
"Okay, you'll be moved to a more private room, and I'll be performing your procedure and then give you aftercare instructions." Dr. Crowley gave us sympathetic looks and turned to leave.
The nurse grabbed her cart and said, "The orderlies will be here soon. We need to set up a room for you, okay?" She patted my leg and took her cart with her as she left.
The ceiling had perforated acoustic tiles. They were small squares, and I tried to count them without moving my head. There were just too many. I figured if I kept my mind on mundane things, I wouldn't lose it. It was too difficult to stay there in that place and time without completely crumbling.
"Baby, look at me. Please, I don't want you to lose yourself. Look at me, and let's do this together," he pleaded, and I heard his voice crack from the pain.
His lips barely skimmed my cheek as he spoke. I felt his sweet breath slide across my face and the smell of it touched my nose.
I tilted my head just a tiny bit so my eyes could connect with his. We had never discussed far into our future, so I didn't know if he wanted kids or his thoughts on them. We had just been enjoying our newfound relationship and relishing in the delight of being together without obstacles.
I didn't know what was going to happen from then forward, but at least Edward expressed his wanting to do it together. I was going to need him more than ever.
His eyes were wet; small puddles of tears brimmed his bottom lashes. The lines on his forehead were creased, and his nose was red. He was hurting too.
I turned my head even further so I could look him straight in the eyes. I felt my face scrunch up readying itself for the sob that I had been holding the past few hours.
As soon as I began to speak, I knew it was going to release, and boy, did it. "I … I … I'm … s … s … so … s … sor … ry," I wailed.
"No, no … don't do that. Don't apologize. It's not your fault, baby! Please!" He begged me to stop but I couldn't. The floodgates were already open and my pain was flowing out. His pain was watching me fall apart.
Edward caressed and kissed every inch of my face. He whispered soothing sounds and words that weren't loud enough to understand. His love and support poured out of his very essence, and I knew that perhaps not soon, but eventually, we would heal from that horrible, unexpected heartache.
~AL~
