~AL~

Hold Back the Tears

April 1996

~ AL ~

How Alice and Rose thought something good was going to come out of this, I didn't know. The whole idea of seeing Edward for the first time at a party, in his house, was just preposterous. It was insane, but I went along with it for my own guilty pleasure or pain, depending on how you looked at it.

I was a glutton for punishment, I supposed. Edward's face was fading from my memory and it was disconcerting. However, regardless of the fact that I wanted to see him, I knew it was going to end badly. We were two passionate people with strong attitudes and mix that with alcohol at a party … it wasn't the best decision I'd ever made.

The minute I walked in the door, I wanted to turn around and walk right back out. The house opened up into the living room and it was full of people in small groups. The girls were convincing me to stay for a while longer, but I was adamant about leaving. While arguing with them, I felt it. Someone was watching me. Well, not someone, Edward was watching me. I knew it. So, I braced myself and turned to find him. He stood by the bar in the corner of the room with Charlotte and Peter. Our eyes met and I could see the affects of alcohol in his eyes, as well as the exhaustion. He had circles under those once bright and sparkling green eyes, now they were dull and jaded.

Well, I was no different. I knew I wore my pain and suffering on my face. But I wondered what caused that look in his eyes. Did he miss me? Or was it from partying too much?

I shook those thoughts right out of my head and told the girls I was going to step outside and smoke. The worst habit ever, but my nerves were shot and I bought a pack on the way to this stupid party. Usually, I was a social smoker, but I really needed them now.

Sure enough, I couldn't catch a break at all, because as soon as I sat down and lit my cigarette, Edward strolled out in all his drunken glory. What I didn't expect was him to be so cruel. I'd seem him curt and unintentionally rude at times, but tonight his behavior was something I'd never expected from him. His words confused me and his actions enraged me.

"So, I hear you're dating someone!" he sneered.

"Are you fucking kidding me, Edward? I mean, seriously! You! You, of all people, have no right to ask me anything about my love life at all!" I yelled.

He gripped my wrist and held me to the side of him. I was able to clock him in the jaw so he'd release me, but he managed to grab onto me again.

"I need to go! I shouldn't have come! Just let go, please, I need to go!" I was shaking my head back and forth as tears rolled down my face. I lowered my head and whispered–pleaded, "Please, let me go. You've done enough."

"Did you find someone better than me? Is that what you wanted? Someone with more money … a better car?" he taunted.

God, he had a way of hurting me to the bone. People could call me names, insult me, and hurt me, and it would never pierce me the way his words did. Everything he said meant so much to me. So for him to suggest I was dating someone else was ridiculous.

I had no idea why he wanted to hang on to me–to keep me close–when all I wanted to do was run. Being that close to him was pure torture, because he was not the same man I had fallen in love with. He suddenly turned into this alternate, tortured persona that was completely unfamiliar to me. It happened right before my eyes, yet I had no idea why.

So, with his hands wrapped tightly around my biceps, I kneed him in the balls. It must have hurt pretty badly, because he called me a bitch. Well, that was laughable. I'd been called worse by better. But it gained me my escape and I made my way down the street to my car.

Thank goodness I had my own car and didn't have to depend on the girls to get home. I tried to go as fast as I could in my heels down hill, but it was difficult. The effort was wasted anyway, as I heard Edward behind me calling my name. I didn't turn around or stop, just kept going toward my car. However, I knew he'd catch up to me. He had the advantage over me since I had these damn shoes on that made me feel like I was going to fall head over feet.

Finally arriving at my car, I threw myself against it to break my downward momentum. Then I just waited for Edward to catch up to me. Looking over my shoulder, I noticed he was only a few steps behind me. There was no escaping. I wouldn't have been able to make it around my car in time.

"What? What could you possibly want with me? After all you've done to me, can't you just let me go?" I said. I turned around to face him, leaning against my car. My whole body sagged in resignation at this whole situation. I felt so defeated, so beat up emotionally.

My words must have stung him, because he jerked back as if he was slapped. Good! Maybe he'd feel just a portion of the pain he caused me.

"I-I'm sorry." He waved his left hand toward his house, behind him. "Back there, I mean. I didn't mean those things I said. I didn't mean to hurt you," he said.

I scoffed. "You didn't mean to hurt me tonight? In Cabo? Or when you took some whore to our concert? Not that I care about the fucking concert, Edward. It's what the concert meant. The words you sang to me and how they supposedly expressed exactly how you felt about me? Remember these words?

"Cómo quisiera poder vivir sin aire.

Cómo quisiera vivir sin agua.

Me encantaría.

Querete un poco menos.

Cómo quisiera poder vivir sin ti," I recited a few lines from the song.

His hand went to his chest and he stumbled back. I didn't give him a chance to answer me.

"You betrayed me in the worst way ever. You embarrassed me in front of our friends and your sister. And after all of that, you didn't have the balls to talk to me about it. You're a coward. A liar. A cheat," I spat the last word at him.

He scrubbed his hands over his face. "What would have been a good explanation? I didn't have one. I fucked up, Bella. In the worst way and then the guys told me if I spoke to you again, they'd have my ass. By the time we got back, I just felt it was best if I didn't bother you again. It was all done and I knew I hurt you so badly and I couldn't take it back. So, what was the point of rehashing it?" He was pleading for me to understand, but I just couldn't.

"An explanation would have been nice. You at least owed me the courtesy of an official break up. You know, 'Hey, I'm obviously a cheating liar and I just wanted you to know it's over' would have been a start." I rubbed my temples. A migraine was coming on and I just wanted to go home to sleep. "Oh, and what the hell were you talking about with all that shit about me dating someone?"

"Yeah, Leah's brother. The guys told me you were dating him."

I shook my head in disbelief. Those guys, bless their hearts, they had good intentions but I didn't need their help. Adding lies to the fire just made things worse in the end.

"Look, I don't owe you any explanation here and what I do is no longer your concern. You threw away that right when you left me alone in our hotel room, on our vacation, to fuck another woman. But just so it's clear, in case you forgot what type of person I am, I am not dating anyone else. I don't just jump from guy to guy. I left a really shitty relationship to be with you, but it doesn't mean I make a habit of doing that. What we had, to me, was the real deal."

I watched as the tension in his jaw eased a little. His relief in my lack of moving on sent chills down my spine. Men and their double standards.

"I'm sorry. I can't do anything right. I just keep fucking this up." He grabbed at his hair. "Look, there's something I want to ask you, a favor of sorts–"

I cut him off, not able to hold in the burning questions that had been running through my mind. "I need to know. Are you still seeing that girl?"

"What? No! Shit, Bella. Puta madre! I just took her to the concert because I had the extra ticket and no one to take."

"Did you fuck her?"

"Tha–That's what you think?" He shook his head back and forth. He moved closer so he was standing just a few feet in front of me.

"Oh, my god, Edward. What else am I supposed to think? You spent the night with her, took her to our concert, and who knows what else. For all I know, you've spent every night with her since we've been back," I shouted.

"You want to know details? That's just wrong."

"Look, I can't entertain this conversation anymore. If we can't talk and be honest with each other then there's no sense in us spending another moment going over this. Yes, I want to know details. I need these details, because the torture of what my mind can conjure up is worse than anything that could happen in real life. The images …" I couldn't even finish that thought. He had no idea the pain he caused me.

He looked down, rubbing a hand across his forehead, while he listened to me. He raised his head and I saw the moisture glistening in his eyes from the light of the streetlamp. I had to look away. I didn't want to see his pain. He didn't deserve my sympathy.

"I hate that I did this to you and that I gave you reason to doubt me. Regardless of what I tell you, it won't change what I did. But I want you to know that without a doubt, I didn't sleep with her. But I still fucked up." He sighed heavily and moved next to me to lean against the car. "I can't talk about this anymore right now. Maybe someday, you'll let me explain. Well, when I figure out what the hell I was thinking. I just don't even know and I don't have any answers. Look, let's save this for another day. I do need to ask you about that favor, though."

I stood there quietly, tears streaming down my face. My words were stuck in my throat with no hope of escape. I was silent in my pain, drowning in the depths of his words. For my own sanity, I needed to talk this out with him at some point. I'd like to know why and, with a level head, I'd like to tell him what his actions did to me. We both needed closure.

The fog was rolling in and the wet wispy clouds felt moist on my skin. The temperature dropped and I felt the cold deep in my bones. Most likely, it had nothing to do with the weather and everything to do with my pain that racked my body from the inside out.

I cleared my throat to croak out a few words. "What's the favor?"

"I'd like to see Matthew, with your permission and supervision of course, but I miss him. I don't want what's going on between you and me to destroy the relationship between him and me. Please? Think about it. Even if I just meet you guys at the park for a little while. You name the place and time and I'll be there," he pleaded.

His request surprised me. It sort of touched my heart, but it was something I needed to consider greatly before allowing it. "I, um, I don't know. Let me think about it and let you know. I'm gonna go."

I dug in my purse, searching for my keys, before I walked around to the driver's side of the car. I was drained, emotionally and physically.

I had no idea what to think of the things Edward told me or the fact that he wanted to continue this conversation another time. I saw a teeny tiny bit of the old him tonight. But I didn't trust him and forgiving him wasn't on my radar.

I had so much on mind to ponder and work through. And I wasn't so sure if knowing he didn't sleep with her made a difference with me. He still betrayed me. I shook the thoughts out of my head. I had to stop dwelling on it all. I had plenty of time to mull it all over, on my own time with no rush. But first, I'd go home and go to sleep.

~AL~

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