~ AL ~
Cry Me a River
April 1996
~ AL ~
Every bone in my body ached. The difficulty to get my ass out of bed today was too much. I started my shift at fourteen thirty–two thirty–and had been walking around the ramp delivering payload paperwork to all of my scheduled aircrafts.
Leah was working in the booth filling out all of said paperwork. She had been such a good friend and roommate especially since Edward and I broke up. All my girls had been supportive, even Edward's sister, Alice. I didn't want her involved, to not choose sides, but she hated what he did to me. She saw my pain first hand and it killed her.
When I was able to take a break, I walked myself into the terminal to get some coffee. I needed the caffeine to keep me going. It was only five o'clock in the afternoon and I still had about six hours left of work, and that was if we didn't get hit with mechanicals or weather. I hated when the fog rolled in and the planes had to circle, causing a delay and us having to stay late to work them.
"Bella, what's your location?" Leah's voice crackled through the radio microphone on my shoulder.
I heaved a deep breath, aggravated that I couldn't even take a moment to myself without someone bugging me.
Turning my mouth to the mic on my shoulder and pressing the button to speak, I answered, "I'm at Starbucks at forty-nine alpha. What's up?"
When I let go of the button, Leah began again, "When you're done, come back to the office. Someone's here to see you."
"Copy," I replied.
I waited my turn in line and ordered a Venti coffee with a shot of espresso. Lot's of caffeine. I'd be bouncing off the walls later, but I needed it to keep me going.
Once I got back downstairs and walked toward the office, I tried to figure out who in the world was there to see me. Opening the door, I froze in my tracks. Surprised to see Edward sitting in my chair, looking anxious next to Leah, I contemplated whether to walk back out or go in and see what he wanted.
We hadn't worked together since before Cabo, and here he was in his uniform, sitting in my office. I looked at Leah for a split second and saw her give me a slight shrug. My eyes went back to Edward and I decided to face the music, so I stepped all the way in and stood there waiting for an explanation. He stood up abruptly and began to step toward me.
The thing was, my mind, heart, and soul was still exhausted from our conversation the night before. I had no idea what he wanted so soon.
"Hey," he said with apprehension.
I nodded, not having anything to say to him. I knew I looked weary, I felt it. Leah could sense it too that was why she hadn't left yet. I looked back at her and jerked my chin toward the door, letting her know I needed a few moments alone with him.
"I'll be right back. Call me if you need anything," Leah said and I nodded my reply.
As soon as Leah was out the door, I questioned him.
"What do you want, Edward?"
He looked at the floor while he rubbed his temples. When he finally looked back up at me, I watched as his eyes darkened and his jaw set. He looked determined.
"I, ah, I picked up this shift tonight hoping you and I could go and talk after work. I just–it's important for us to clear the air. So, will you go somewhere with me tonight so we can talk?"
I shifted my weight and looked around the room as if I was searching for the answer. Yeah, I need the answers, the story, but did I want to deal with that tonight. I was too exhausted, but who knew when I'd get the opportunity again. I needed it–the closure.
"I get off at eleven. Where are we going?"
His eyes widened, like he was shocked I agreed so easily. That was probably the only thing between us that would ever come so easily again.
"We can go to Dockweiler beach and talk. I get off at ten."
"Yeah, that's fine. I'll meet you there after work." I walked past him and pulled my chair out bumping him so he'd leave and I could sit down in peace. We had nothing further to talk about and I wanted him out of here. I didn't need to be consumed with this at work.
He got the hint and headed for the door. Before he opened it, he looked back at me and said, "Thanks. I mean, for agreeing to speak with me. I know I don't deserve anything from you, but I do want the opportunity to explain what I can. So, I'll see you there." And he left.
The rest of the night dragged. Of course, wasn't that how it happened when you wanted time to go by quickly. The closer to eleven it got, the more anxious I became. I was dying to hear his story–his excuses.
So, when it was time to go home, I ran to the time clock, punched out, and hated the fact I had to wait for the bus to take me to the parking lot. When I finally got to my car, I sped off to the beach.
~ AL ~
Dockweiler beach was a long stretch of sand and water near the airport. At night, people would go to party and they could use the bonfire pits to stay warm. It had great parking and was easy to access. I found a space right away, grabbed my heavy work jacket, and set off to find Edward. I didn't see his car anywhere, but then again, the parking lot was so big, I shouldn't have expected to.
Nights by the beach were always cool, even in the summer. But with it being spring, I knew my parka would come in handy. So, as I walked down the beach, I slipped it on. My eyes scanned each bonfire pit I passed and then a quick look over to the parking lot to see if I'd spot his car. I didn't have to walk too far, because about four pits down, there he sat, lighting a fire for us.
He must have seen something coming toward him, because his head snapped up quickly and he was surprised to see me. The first expression I saw cross his face was happiness, and then it quickly turned into fear, guilt? I wasn't sure.
When I arrived at the fire pit, I felt a little awkward about being there with Edward.
"Hey, I'm here," I said, moving to sit down.
He stood up and spread out a blanket. "Here, sit here. The sand is cold and damp."
I plopped down on the blanket and toed off my shoes so I could cross my legs. Looking around, I noticed Edward had a backpack with him and he pulled out a big metal Thermos.
"I brought us some hot chocolate. You want some?" he asked.
"Sure, thanks." It sounded perfect right about then. I was wearing shorts and my legs were freezing. I figured it would help warm me up and also break some of the tension.
"So, we should probably start that discussion now, no?" I asked.
He handed me the hot chocolate in a ceramic mug and I wrapped both of my hands around it. I brought it up to my lips and blew on as sipped at it.
He cleared his throat while he poured himself some of the chocolaty goodness and got comfortable in front of me on the blanket. We faced each other and I watched while he prepared himself for this big confession.
"Why don't you start with Cabo. What happened there?" I blurted out, not able to wait another minute longer for him to get the show on the road.
"Here's the thing. Regardless of what I say, it's going to sound like an excuse or a copout. But you want an explanation of something I can't explain, so I'll try my best." He looked at my square in the eyes, waiting for me to agree.
"Okay, and I'll try to understand."
He pursed his lips for a moment and began, "I don't quite remember how it started but, you know, we were at the pool drinking heavily. The open bar and the hot sun did a number on me, and I'm not quite sure when I started blacking out but things are fuzzy.
"I knew those girls were talking to me and the guys, and I thought we were doing a good job ignoring them. Then I don't remember much for a while. At one point, I looked around and you all were gone, and it wasn't until Jasper and Emmett came to get me that I went up to the room to get ready for dinner."
He looked at me expectantly, as if I was going to interrupt him. Fat chance, he could have the floor all night. I wasn't going to say a word until he was done. Then I'd let him have it. So, I sat quietly sipping my warm drink. Since I didn't say anything or make a move, he continued.
"I remember the shower sobering me up just enough to realize where I was and when you left to get ready with Alice and Rose, I went to find the guys. I walked down the hallway and those girls were there near the elevator. They were dressed to go out and asked me to go have a drink at the bar with them. I told them I couldn't and it wasn't a good idea, but somehow, they convinced me to have just one." He shook his head as if he couldn't believe it did what he did.
God, I wanted to choke him and ask at what point did the idea of him going for a drink with them turn into a good one. I huffed a little and sat up straight, stretching my spine. My muscles felt tense and tight and I could feel the anxiety rolling in.
"We had one drink and a shot of tequila, and it was enough to fog my mind over again. I'm not sure when or how, but the three of them dragged me to a local club where I sat in the corner drinking non-stop. They were dancing and doing their thing. I don't recall anymore or how I even got back to the hotel. All of that is a blank."
He tilted his head and tightened his jaw, waiting for the backlash. But I still didn't say anything, just rolled my hand in the air, encouraging him to go on. I needed to know how that led to him giving her my concert ticket.
"I woke up the next morning with Emmett and Jasper ready to kill me, and I was forbidden to even see you, never mind talk to you. They told me you needed time and I tried to give it to you. But as time went by, I just felt stupid about the whole thing because, really, what could I say?" He placed his empty mug on the blanket and scrubbed at his face in frustration.
My legs were falling asleep, so I placed my feet flat on the blanket and bent my knees, tucking them into the bottom of my jacket. My hot chocolate was long gone and the mug was cold.
The mist from the ocean covered the beach and wet everything it touched. My jacket, legs, the blanket, and my even my hair felt damp. The fire from the pit was low and only warmed up the right side of my body. The red, blue, and orange flames lit Edward's face just enough to see every detail of his sexy face. His sexy, cheating face.
However, everything was not all right. He had told me so much and I needed time to process it. Not to mention he still hadn't said anything about the concert. Was he avoiding it on purpose or did he want me to ask? I had no idea what he was thinking anymore.
We were quiet for a while longer until I just couldn't take it and blurted out, "So what about the Maná concert? How did she even get here to be able to go with you? I mean, that whole situation is just fishy."
He widened his arms and spoke as if what I asked had an obvious answer, but to me it didn't.
"She lives in L.A., Bella. That night in Cabo she asked for my number and I guess I gave it to her, she called me." He shrugged. His hands were fidgeting and I could tell he was nervous. "Look, the more time went by without speaking to you, the more awkward it became and I just didn't know how to talk to you again. Then she called me and that's how I found out about her getting my number. I had the extra ticket, so I asked her to go with me. I hadn't seen her before the concert or since, and I'm sure you'll ask, yes, we have spoken."
With my arms wrapped around my legs and my head resting on my knees, I couldn't even look at him. My heart hurt so much. It was just too much to process at once. I needed to go and figure things out. But I had things to say first.
I lifted my head and looked at him. He was watching me; waiting for me to react, respond.
"Edward, I loved you with all of me and the moment you entertained those girls at the pool instead of spending the time with me, you cheated. The decision you made to have a drink with them made you a cheat. Spending the night out with them instead of with me only proved you being a cheat. Then, taking her to our concert when you could have taken anyone else in the world made you a coldhearted, jackass cheater. I understood being drunk and making bad choices, and I even understood the blacking out a bit. But the choices you made while conscious were just wrong.
"What you never explained is … why? Why did you even give them a second thought when you had me? I'll never understand that. You tore my chest open with your bare hands and ripped my heart out. You crushed me. I trusted you. I just want you to figure out why? I need to know why?" I pounded my fists on my knees to emphasize my pain.
He jumped up onto his knees and came toward me with his arms out to touch me. I scooted back.
"Don't! Don't touch me. Please. Don't."
"Jesus, Bella. Calm down." He put his hands up in surrender. "I don't know why. I have been going crazy trying to figure it all out and all I've come up with is bullshit. Excuses. Stupidity." He shook his head, grabbing and pulling his hair.
"I don't know what you want from me. I can't forgive and forget just like that. I just can't. It's all broken, destroyed. And you did this to us. So, while I appreciate your honesty and I truly do believe you, I just think it's too much."
I started to get up to leave. I needed to go. I didn't want to cry in front of him anymore. He didn't deserve my tears.
"Don't go. I need to know how to fix this. What can I do?" he pleaded, the pain evident on his face and in his voice.
"I have to go, Edward. Don't call me. I need time. There's really nothing you can do to fix this. Just …" I couldn't say anymore without crying. So, I picked up my shoes and ran for the car. The damn broke and the pain racked my body as a torrent of sobs followed.
~ AL ~
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