Monday, September 17th, 1900, 8:11 AM
"Oh, my head." Sokka woke up with… with a- "What the Hell," Sokka thought, "Zuko'll come up with a new word for it."
His head was throbbing, but, at the very least, he remembered what the Hell had gone on the night before. He felt this headache would hang over his head for the whole day. He looked down. He was still wearing the so-called lady's robe. He didn't care, it was comfortable, and there were a bunch of them in the closet so, he was going to wear it. He noticed last night that Zuko was acting weird. He didn't know how to describe it, not bad, just different. Even before they got plastered, Zuko had let go of that Fire Nation reticence and was more open with his feelings. Sokka was glad that Zuko was opening up, in earnest.
There was a certain vulnerability in him that Sokka felt like protecting in a way that was more than friendship. He couldn't, as of yet, ascertain what it was. He couldn't think up a word for it. Again, that was Zuko's specialty.
He started wondering what Zuko was like as a little boy, before he was traumatized. Sokka remembered hearing the story and pitying him. What happened to Zuko is sort of like what happened to the whole Nation. Someone he loved, someone who was supposed to adore him, burned him. The terrible part was that Zuko blamed himself and and wanted to redeem himself for a crime he had not committed. All the FIre Lords before Zuko had done the same to their nation. They burned their own people by making them fight this war and shamed them if ever they failed.
A century of psychology was going to be quite a challenge to undo, but Sokka felt that he would be integral in that relaxation of nerves. That was the problem, it seemed, the whole Nation was on edge. Afraid as ever that they were going to be punished for failure, the same way their New Fire Lord had been. Supposedly, the element of a particular country determined the general disposition of the citizens. The Water Tribe were supposed to be relaxed, adaptable, and 'go-with-the-flow'. The Earth Kingdom was supposed to be resilient, unyielding, reserved, and steady. The Air Nomads were supposed to be free and enthusiastic.
Who knew what the Fire Nation was supposed to be? Maybe a century ago they had a purpose and drive that wasn't solely consumption and imperialism. Fire wasn't always destructive. Sokka knew that his people couldn't live without fire. People couldn't see at night without it. He knew that electricity was the purest expression of it, in the same way that metal was the purest expression of earth.
"Damn, he's rubbing off on me." Sokka thought. He didn't like getting so philosophical. It made him feel too much like an adult.
Yes, indeed, Sokka had not been having the best time since his eighteenth. This is what he knew: He was now eligible for the Chiefdom. He was expected to take a wife soon (in fact he was quite late, he was supposed to be on kid two by now). He was alone and felt like his last chance went home back to Kyoshi Island probably with a deep hate for him and all men. Forever alone, that was the mantra, forever alone. Seriously the highlight of his time here has been eating ice cream, getting drunk on cactus juice, and wearing ladies' clothes. Oh, and he read some Fire Nation Literature.
It was pretty pathetic.
He got dressed knowing that this headache could not stop his duties. This day was going to be strange. Mai's family was having a funeral and according to custom Zuko was not going to be in attendance. Sokka felt that it would be another emotional day for Zuko. Something else was gnawing at him. It was a vague dread, the likes of which he had not felt since the Invasion. He wanted some cactus juice or some pussy to make him feel better. It was too early for the former and the latter seemed to be too hard to obtain. Besides the fact that Sokka was in no way interested by the ladies of the evening round him. He was betting on finding that lover sooner rather than later because the pressure, the frustration that only a teenage boy can understand was getting to be too much.
Sokka would never admit it, but Zuko's visit last night was not helpful. He was only mere seconds away from a self-love session. It was awkward for him when he had to wipe the lube off his hands and find something to wear so quickly. Just before he had opened the door he rushed back to the other side of the bed and hide the jar. He would not have faulted Zuko for asking why he had jar of coconut oil on the nightstand. Katara swore by it for her face. Sokka, feeling how it melted in his hands was quite sure that it would have felt great for stroking. And it was edible too.
Well he did not find out last night and he had a sinking feeling that he was not going to be the one touching himself tonight either.
He put on the red vestments. He wore the fancier one today, noting that it was this would be the first full business week of Zuko's reign. The children were back in school. The banks were open for business and the stock exchange would start trading at nine. There was something serious and official about it. There had been a coronation and now there would be an inauguration of Zuko's entire way of governing. Everything Zuko would do was real and tangible now. Sokka realized right then that Zuko was right, he was alone. Zuko was alone wearing a crown and holding a heavy sceptre.
"No matter how close I get… Hell, even beneath him… and he'll still be the only one with the power." Sokka thought hard, like an adult. Maybe adulthood was not as good as he always thought. Regardless, he could not go back.
Sokka left his room and made his way to breakfast in a large dining room. He, of course, came from the same wing where Zuko's room was located. Sokka walked down a grand white marble steps overlaid with red carpet. There was a landing after about six steps where Sokka had to turn right and go down another dozen steps. As he continued down the steps as they widened into the great hall in front of him. When he got down to the bottom he turned around and looked up the stairs. Only then did he notice that there was a great big window on the eastern wall. It was perfectly round, and the glass was painted in such a way that it resembled bricks, in the classic interlocking. It reminded Sokka of how the bricks of an igloo stood atop each other.
The food was laid out buffet style and Sokka found himself surrounded by nobles, Sages, politicians, businessmen, and judges. Zuko had told him that every Monday morning, Sokka would have to contain his contempt for the snobbery that all palaces exude. Every week, at the Fire Lord's pleasure, all of the people who wielded power in the country reported to him to pay respects and receive royal assent or patents. When it came to granting patents, and allowing the manufacture and trade of inventions, Fire Lord usually had three choices. The first two were similar. Zuko could either grant the patent and allow the patent holder the full right to make and sell. Or, he could grant the patent and take a stake or complete ownership of the technology (with fair compensation of course). The third, of course, was the ability to deny the whole thing and prohibit its sale in the islands.
The judges were there sometimes to bring up cases that had run completely the circuit and needed to be settled. Zuko could either pass them to the Star Chamber, the Sages, or handle the case by himself.
Sokka realized how much Zuko did. "No wonder all of his predecessors were on all those drugs."
They served Sokka some of the foods he had gotten used to over the summer. There was something special about Fire Nation food. It was zestier and more flavorful than Earth Kingdom food, and far out-flavored Southern Water Tribe food, even at breakfast time. His love of meat was definitely satisfied by the Fire Nation. He wanted to go back in time and congratulate whoever came up with bacon. Sokka was not going to admit it but it was true.
Sokka sat alone at one of the tables closest to the stairs.
Hashi approached him from behind, "Master Sokka,"
Sokka turned around, "Zu-. Oh, I'm sorry, you sound so much like Zuko. What can I do for you?"
"No apologies necessary, Sir. It's only that we would want You to sit right next to His Majesty, only because You are his chief advisor. He trusts You more than He trust any of Us Sages."
Sokka looked around and saw that indeed there was a very sumptuous chair, almost a throne at the table nearest him.
"Thank you," Sokka said, picking up his fine china plate and moving to the seat just to the right of the throne.
He had not even been seated for two minutes when all of the people around him got up suddenly. He was mid-bite into a sweet pastry when he noticed the reverent bow that everyone was giving. He stood up and turned around expecting to see Zuko in grand red robe.
Sokka swallowed, and choked for a brief moment. Zuko, instead, was wearing a long black hood, that almost touched the floor. The light was shining down through the window making almost a halo of bright light surrounding him, as his robe defied it in stark, dark austerity. His face was partially obscured and his whole body was covered in the fabric. Only the hand was visible under the black of the cloth, the skin was white and delicate and was very stark and was in its contrast was very attractive. It was the same hood and the same hand from the dream.
Sokka only saw that the hand was Zuko's, the robe was Zuko's. His heart began palpitating. Something felt off. All of a sudden he could not catch his breath. It was like someone had punched him square in the heart. He started hyperventilating. He looked down at his hands as they tembled. He heard the thud of his heartbeat in his ear. It was drowning out the silence in the most unpleasant way imaginable. The room was spinning too no matter how he tried to still and steel himself.
Hashi grabbed him, "Are you alright Master Sokka?"
Sokka looked at Hashi, his eyes wide with fright and anxiety, not able to understand him. Sokka's body tensed and then relaxed, as for the first time in his life, he fainted. Hashi was strong enough to hold Sokka's limp body up.
Hashi cried out, "Somebody get a doctor!"
Zuko looked up when he heard someone shout, "Somebody, get a doctor!"
He looked down the steps and saw Hashi holding up Sokka. In an almost cartoonish way Zuko did not understand the image in front of him and only squinted in confusion. Then, when it finally clicked, his eyes and mouth opened in complete shock. He rushed down the stairs. Several physicians ran up and tried to revive him right then. He was still breathing irregularly.
"Get him up to his room." Sokka commanded.
12:31
Sokka regained consciousness. He didn't know what had happened to him, but he remembered seeing Zuko in the damn robe. He didn't open his eyes immediately, feeling a strange sort of exhaustion. He heard someone pacing back and forth, he knew it was Zuko. It was the same rhythm that Zuko always paced, the same speed. His feet always created the same nervous tempo on the floors. Sokka realized then that he had memorized it, the sound of Zuko's feet landing on the floors of this good-forsaken Palace.
"They said that you can't hear me until you wake up," Zuko started talking, Sokka realized that it was just the two of them in the room and the must have been closed. The way his voice echoed in the room and the lack of any noise from the outside suggested that to him. For the first time, Sokka came closer to understanding Toph's 'view' (if that was an appropriate word). Sokka still actually felt too tired to open his eyes or speak, so he listened,
"I'm sorry, I've got you so stressed. I mean you having an anxiety attack. I knew I shouldn't have asked you to stay here. I mean it was selfish. I wasn't supposed to bring you into this. I'm so sorry. I just. The only pleasant thing about being Fire Lord is having you here with me, giving me comfort. I mean you're the only real friend I ever had and… Look, I know you'll never feel the same way I do, but I like you. More than just a friend. And I realized that I only kept you here cause I wanted to see you. I couldn't bear to see you leave. I- I-" Zuko started stuttering.
"I love you." Zuko felt like a weight had been lifted, "I know I shouldn't and I know it's wrong but I am deeply embarrassingly, frustratingly, completely in love with you. I think about you every second everyday when I wake up I think about wanting to see you. And I hate every time I have to leave you." Sokka felt that Zuko had sat on the edge of the bed. He felt a pair of eyes burning holes into him. Staying still, he kept his breathing steady.
Sokka felt a pair pair of warm lips on his only for a moment and then felt the relative coldness as they parted. Sokka loved how they felt on his lips. They felt natural and right, full but not completely crushing. And he loved how warm Zuko felt. There really was something about firebenders. Sokka had to fight every urge not to lean into the kiss. It was so passionate and warm, an act of love more than what he called lust.
"And I know I can't have you, so I'll only watch you from a distance and hope against hope that you'll, you'll love me too or at the very least let me admire you."
Sokka kept his eyes closed, too frightened to face Zuko and way too petrified to acknowledge the fact that… He wasn't in love with Zuko. That much was certain. Or was it? Sokka's mind started to race. Sokka was alone. Much the same way Zuko was. Sokka admitted to himself that he had started to feel attracted to Zuko in the last few weeks. He kind of suppressed it. It was an unnatural feeling. He wasn't supposed to have thought about another man like that. Every time he got an image he dismissed it, especially that one with Zuko in the shower. There was something exotic about the shower, it was the most advanced thing Sokka had seen and… and-
Sokka had thought that they were wild images that popped up. He would keep blinking, breathing and willing the erection to go away. He kept the thoughts at bay. He simply put them to one side and ascribed it to pent up sexual frustration. Of course, Suki was domineering, so Sokka never got any release.
It was no more than his body trying to take care of a need or so he thought. He was now quite confused about how he had been feeling. How much had he been suppressing and for how long. Was he always this way or did he catch a bug from Zuko?
No, it cannot have been contagious. Sokka felt it when Zuko landed at the South Pole. He felt the same tingling, the same urge, but he thought it was merely a lust to fight and protect his people. It was obviously a lust for something else, something less altruistic and more carnal.
What he could not reconcile was the fact that he had been attracted to women in the past. Yue and Suki made him feel the same way, he thought. At, least they got him partway there. There was something wonderfully unencumbered about Zuko. He wasn't bogged down with pretension or pomposity. His income was something like 63,000,000 gold pieces every year, but he was like any other person Sokka knew. There was something about Zuko, something that he liked, that he loved.
3:13
Sokka had gone back to sleep and woke up again, this time he felt almost rested.
He was still scared because he knew he had to play it straight, you know, play it cool.
"Ugh, what happened?" Sokka started his acting. He sat up and rubbed his eyes before he opened them. He didn't know how long it was going to last, but he had the feeling that lying to Zuko would wear on him sooner rather than later.
"Sokka, you're awake!" Zuko's voice was a giddy expression of relief.
"I passed out, didn't I?" Sokka asked. He was trying not to make eye contact with Zuko. Something about those golden eyes. He couldn't lie to them if he looked into them. Not even if he tried
"Yes, the physicians said that you had an anxiety attack, but that after some rest, you'd feel better. Do you?"
"Yes," Sokka lied, "I feel a lot better." Physically he was recovered from the anxiety attack but he was more anxious than ever. These feeling, old or new, suppressed or expressed were now swirling around his head. Sokka didn't know what he was going to do with himself. All he knew was that if he didn't find a way to release all of these feelings of frustration and shame, he would end up in an asylum like Azula. He sure as hell wasn't going to go crazy.
"Good, I- um" Zuko was nervous, "There were a couple of things that had to be put off till tomorrow."
"Sorry," Sokka truly was, "You should have gone on without me."
"No!" Zuko shouted louder than he thought he might, "I need y-. I mean I wasn't going to proceed without my advisor, My Chief Advisor."
"At least I didn't break anything."
"If you did, I'd've called Katara right back to heal you again. Hashi caught you. "
"So you didn't call them back?" Sokka asked.
"Should I have done?"
"No, I'm glad you didn't. I don't need Katara wanting to kill you... again."
"Good," Zuko said, "Well are you hungry?"
Sokka nodded in the affirmative, "How about some ice cream?"
"I think I can arrange that." Zuko said happy that his friend was back.
