The best part of a week passed in a similar routine. After storming out that first morning, when Dean saw Cas later in the day he simply pretended nothing had happened. And it was easy to do, at first. Each day it got harder, though.
Cas didn't seem well, and there was a worry in Dean's chest that he couldn't ignore. He never mentioned it, though, afraid that if he admitted one truth then more could follow. He didn't know if he could handle opening up that particular pandora's box.
By Friday he had started to notice the way Cas stumbled if he turned too fast, or how he would simply nod off in the middle of a conversation, snapping to attention moments later. The circles he'd noticed before had gotten darker, too, making him look like he had permanent black eyes.
Dean was confused. As far as he knew, Castiel went to bed at a reasonable time every night, and woke generally after him each morning. He didn't know, however, that Cas was the reason his nightmares every night were ending in white light right before the worst parts, the rest of his sleep dreamless and peaceful. He didn't know that Cas was spending hours either sobbing in his room, or staring in silent shock at the wall, dealing alone with the emotions he was pulling from Dean.
It wasn't until Saturday evening, when Cas stumbled and fell on his way to the library, that something changed. Sam had found him and lifted the angel from the floor, flitting in and out of consciousness, then put him to bed. He got Cas settled and brought him some water, forbidding him from leaving the bed. Then he went to find his brother.
Dean was sitting at the big war table, sipping from a glass of whisky. The bottle was next to it - so far he was half down. He didn't notice the scowl on Sam's face, or the way he was stomping, until he slammed the lid on his laptop.
"That's it." It was nearly a snarl, the way Sam spoke. "I'm out."
"You-what?" Dean looked up, confused as he noticed the fury in his brother's face. "Out where?"
"Jody has a case, she needs some help."
"Alright, I'll get my stuff." He swigged the last of his whisky and stood, ready to gather his things.
"You're not coming Dean."
Sam was looking down at the laptop he was shoving into his bag, and Dean realised that his brother's duffel was already there, packed and waiting. Confusion flitted across his face as he stared, Sam refusing to look up.
"The hell? Of course I am!"
"No, dean!" Sam snapped, his nostrils flaring in anger as he looked at Dean. "You're gonna stay here and sort this shit out!" He jabbed a finger in the direction of the bedrooms.
Dean's face darkened, and he looked down, away from accusing eyes as he muttered. "There's nothing to sort out."
"The hell there's not!" Sam yelled, his face a mask of absolute fury now. "Dean, Cas is in there and he's in trouble, and you have no idea why."
"And you do?!" Dean asked incredulously. "Pray tell then, Sammy!"
"No. No, I'm not going to make this easy on you so you can just keep avoiding and make it even worse." Sam clenched and unclenched his jaw. "What I am going to tell you is that you are a big part of what's happening, and you're the only one who can fix it."
Dean pursed his lips and looked away, trying to ignore what he'd said. He couldn't ignore that he'd been avoiding, and he couldn't deny it either. But he couldn't understand what Cas' illness had to do with him, and it made him angry that Sam wouldn't tell him.
"Fix this, Dean. If you don't, you'll lose him again." There was a hint of softness in Sam's words now, and Dean didn't want to admit how much that last part terrified him.
"I can't, Sammy. I can't go down that road." Dean spoke in almost a whisper, afraid to admit how much being alone with Cas scared him right now.
Sam's face hardened then as Dean looked at him, all traces of pity removed as he shouldered his bags and took Dean's keys off the table.
"I'll be gone a few days, week at most." He turned to walk away, then stopped. "Oh and Dean?" He threw over his shoulder. "If this isn't fixed when I get back? I'll make sure Cas leaves and this time, he won't come back."
With that threat thrown into the air, Sam adjusted the bags, then he was gone.
Dean just stood there for a minute, mouth moving silently in shock. It was a low and cruel threat that had come from his brothers mouth, but he knew it was probably the only thing that would spur him into action. Right now, though, it was all he could do to sit weakly in the chair and pour himself another whisky, pondering his next move.
It was over an hour before Dean felt he had the courage to approach Castiel's room. He hesitated in front of the door then, before he could back away, raised a hand to rap sharply on the wood.
No answer.
"Cas?" He called softly. "I'm coming in."
He tried the handle - it turned freely, unlocked - and pushed the door open, stepping into the dim room. Cas was still in bed, and as he walked closer, he realised that he'd underestimated how ill Castiel really was. In the small light provided by the lamp, he could see that the angel's face was pale, almost white except for the deep purple circles under his eyes. His chest raised and lowered with rapid breaths, despite that he was quite asleep. A frown creased his eyebrows, and his eyelids were fluttering with a dream.
Dean sat on the bed beside him, next to his hip, and looked down with worry.
"Cas?" He breathed quietly, reaching out to lay a hand gently on the sweaty, but cold cheek.
Then the emotions hit. Turmoil, dark and raging, worked itself into every fibre of his being. Dean took a sharp, shuddering breath and closed his eyes. And then behind his eyelids, he saw every nightmare he'd had in the last week, flitting one after the other, each ending with that same white light.
His eyes shot open, gasping as he pulled his hand back to himself as though burned. He was confused - so confused - but also worried, and that worry for Cas finally overrode everything else he could possibly feel.
"Cas? Cas!" He grabbed the angel's shoulders and shook him until he woke, blue eyes opening groggily.
"Dean?" Cas croaked, his voice softer and weaker than dean was used to. "Why.. Why are you crying?"
Dean raised a hand, surprised, and realised there was wetness on his cheeks that he hadn't noticed before.
"I don't know, man, I- You were dreaming, or something, and I touched you and.." Dean stopped, unsure of what had happened.
"Oh."
Castiel sighed and dropped his eyes, and Dean knew that he was the only one confused about what had happened. He didn't say anything, though, and Castiel was grateful for that. It gave him time to shift himself on the bed, pushing himself up to sit even though it was painful.
"Dean... I meant to tell you earlier. Just-"
"I didn't give you the chance." Dean finished quietly, dropping his eyes. "I'm listening now, Cas."
"Okay." Cas answered softly.
Yet he stayed quiet, fiddling with the bottom of his shirt. Dean waited for awhile, trying his best to be patient. But after a few minutes he started getting impatient, so he cleared his throat to remind the angel he was still there. Cas started, his body tensing. Then he sighed.
"It's difficult to explain, Dean." Castiel paused, nerves on edge in response to what he was about to say. "It may be easier to... show you."
"Show me?" Dean repeated, his eyes taking on a guarded expression, shifting side to side.
Cas nodded, lifting a hand shakily to hold it out, palm up, to Dean. The hunter's eyes flitted between the offered hand and blue eyes, confused and wary. He didn't reach out, didn't move, frozen on what he felt was the edge of a precipice he couldn't come back from.
"Dean. Do you trust me?" Blue eyes stared into green, pleading silently.
"I trust you." He closed his eyes, slowly lifting his hand to bring it towards Cas'
"Don't close your eyes." Cas whispered, and Dean froze with their hands almost touching. "It's worse if you close your eyes."
Dean didn't respond to that. It was too late for any kind of argument. He just obeyed, opening his eyes and staring straight into Castiel's. The blue was slightly paler than usual, he noticed. Neither had moved yet - Cas seemed to be waiting for him to decide, not pushing.
Then Dean dropped his hands into the angel's, and felt like his world exploded and came together, all in the same moment.
He couldn't close his eyes now. He felt as though the blue eyes were the only thing holding him to the earth, blue eyes that had now flared bright. His grip on the angel's hand got tight as he felt emotion tumble through him from - from Cas, he realised, feeling the connection between them as though it were physical.
Despair, grief, anger all tumbled through him from Cas, catching his breath in his throat. Fear and worry made their appearance too, but underneath it all, like a steady stream ran a deep love, pulsing and bright, so strong that it caused tears to sting at his eyes.
"Shit, Cas" He murmured, bringing his other hand up to desperately hold both of Cas' trembling hands, letting his eyes slip closed.
And behind his lids flashed again the images from his nightmares, but this time he knew. He knew it was Cas standing in his dreams, watching over him, blasting away the nightmares before they went too far. And he saw Cas' own dreams, except there was only one, the same one on repeat.
The kiss they had shared, the feelings it brought forth, always ending with Dean bolting away from him. Dean could feel the pain of that loss, that rejection, deep inside his own soul, and it bit hard. He could feel shame welling up in response and knew that Cas could feel it too.
Like riding on a tidal wave, this trip eventually came to a close. He could feel the roiling emotions slowing, settling in as he accepted them. And eventually it was gone, and he was left with the present feelings they were sharing. He was left with feeling everything that was just Cas, imagining it to be his very soul. It was only then that he realised how weak Cas was, how little grace he seemed to have left.
Sam was right. It was his fault. Cas had been using his grace to care for Dean without his knowledge, never getting the time or rest to let it regenerate. Now it was all but gone, and his angel was weak, so weak. All for him.
"Cas," He whispered brokenly, desperate to do something, anything.
While his mind didn't seem to know what to do, his body certainly did. He found himself leaning forward, his hands shifting to move their hands out of the way so that he could move closer, closer, until their lips barely touched. He searched those blue eyes, seeing and feeling the fear, doubt and need that hid within Cas.
He didn't move, their breath mixing together as he waited. He needed to make sure that Cas was okay with this, this time. Something about them being like this made him need to make sure that he wouldn't hurt the angel. Again.
"Dean.." Cas breathed, making Dean tremble.
Then the distance was gone, Cas leaning forward that final inch to press his lips ever so softly to Dean's.
This was different from the first time. It was softer, sweeter, more gentle. Their lips were hesitant, that first kiss just a press that lasted longer than expected. Dean pulled back, breathing a little ragged as he stared into Cas' eyes for a moment. Then he pressed forward again, letting go of one of his hands so that he could reach behind, bringing it to rest on the back of Cas' neck.
Cas gasped sharply at the new contact, his lips parting, and Dean took the opportunity to turn the kiss into something more urgent and desperate, their lips moving together perfectly as he licked at his angels lips, further into his mouth, desperate to taste his essence and everything that was just so Cas.
Cas let out a soft groan, pressing their bodies closer together, snaking his free hand around Dean's waist to pull him closer than was possible. The kisses got deeper, more intense, and Cas was dizzy with the intimacy and the emotions flooding through their bond. This was amazing, there was no other way to describe it. He didn't feel like he could ever stop.
Eventually, though, they both had to break off, gasping for air. Dean's nails had left marks on the back of Cas' neck where he'd gripped too tight, and they stung a little. But he didn't care, basking in the heat of Dean's gaze as they rested their foreheads together, sharing the air between them.
"Damn, Cas," Dean breathed between them huskily. "That was..."
He couldn't find a word that could possibly sum up what had just happened between them, what was still happening, their emotions melding together like pieces of a puzzle.
"I know." Cas cracked the first smile he had in some time.
He didn't dare say any more, for fear that Dean would leave again at any moment. Instead he dropped his eyes, focusing on their hands that were still laced together. Dean's thumb traced the back of his hand in small circles, sending shivers across his skin.
"What the hell was- is this?"
"I want to tell you, Dean... I wanted to before but-" Cas sighed, wearily, letting his eyes slip closed. "It's difficult to explain and I don't think I can stay awake long enough."
Dean nodded, understanding in his eyes despite that he really wanted the answers. He shifted, moving his body away from Cas, surprised when he felt a jolt of fear strike through him. It took a second, but he realised that the fear was from Cas, and suddenly knew he was afraid that he was going to leave again.
"Cas it's alright. I'm just moving."
It took a few moments but with some shuffling, Dean managed to move alongside Cas on the bed, pulling the angel until his head rested on his chest. He linked their hands together again, the other hand gently running fingers through dark hair soothingly.
"Sleep, Cas. We'll talk about it later."
Cas nodded, but Dean could tell that he wasn't relaxed yet. The tension curled through their bond, and he could feel it in the set of his shoulders.
"Cas." Dean pulled his head back slightly so he could look down at the angel.
Cas lifted his head and met his eyes, a slight frown on his lips.
"I'm not going anywhere." Dean assured him quietly, but earnestly.
"Promise?" Cas whispered, squeezing his hand tightly.
"Promise."
Cas laid his head back down on his chest. He believed Dean - mostly - but at the moment his heart felt full and he felt complete in his hunters arms, and nothing would ruin that. At least not tonight.
"Sleep." Dean whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of his head.
And Cas remembered no more.
