When Dean returned to the kitchen, he found that Cas had finished his breakfast already and was sipping at his coffee. The angel gave him a questioning look as he sat down and started eating cold bacon.
"Is everything okay?" Cas asked.
"S'fine." Dean answered around a mouthful of bacon. "Sam's coming home tonight."
"Oh? He's finished with the case?"
"Yeah. He said he'll hit the road around noon."
Cas just nodded, falling silent. He couldn't help himself wondering if everything would change when Sam got home. Judging by the way Dean was pushing his food around, he seemed to be deep in thought about the same thing.
Once Dean finished eating, the two of them worked together to clean up. After that, they spent some time arguing lightly. Cas wanted to go to the library to do some research. Dean wanted him to take some time off the studying.
"Why don't we just go watch a movie?"
"I don't want to watch a movie right now, Dean. I want to find out more about this." Cas gestured between the two of them.
"So do I, Cas." Dean caught his hands, lacing their fingers together again.
Cas stopped arguing for a moment, feeling an uncertainty from Dean that he wasn't used to. He searched the hunter's eyes as Dean let his forehead rest on Cas', sighing softly.
"Let's just go listen to some music." Dean asked quietly. "Please, Cas."
Cas just nodded in response, still trying to figure out what was going on. There was something loaded in the way Dean gave him one of those barely-there kisses, before turning and pulling Cas along with him, back to his room.
Once there, Cas sat on the soft mattress while Dean fiddled with a music player. After a few moments music flowed into the room. Cas just watched Dean, standing there with his back turned and his shoulders hunched over.
"Dean?" He asked quietly, making his way across the room to put his hands on his shoulders.
"This was the first song I heard after you.. After we let you go." Dean told him, his body tense. "It always reminds me. I haven't listened to it since."
"Dean, what's going on?"
"Cas... I don't know what's going on between us. But I want to find out. And I think this is the only way I can."
And then Castiel understood. Dean had spent his whole life avoiding how he felt about things, pretending nothing affected him. He'd done the same thing when Cas had died. And now, he couldn't open himself up to feel something real with Cas until he let himself feel all the bad parts before it.
"I'm here, Dean." He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Dean's middle, feeling a relieved sigh as the hunters head dropped onto his shoulder. "I'll go through this with you."
Dean just nodded mutely, lifting his arms to wrap them tightly around Cas, letting his eyes close. He imagined himself back in the moment that the song was calling forth - standing in front of a great pile of wood, lighter in his hand. He would have given anything not to toss that lighter. He felt the grief reaching up, threatening to drown him - and instead of pushing it down, he let it wash through him, over him, and take him under with it.
Then he broke. His knees went weak and he sagged into Cas' arms as the barriers he had erected came crashing down. Dean cried like he had never before, long shuddering sobs that shook him to his core as he held onto Cas for dear life. At first Cas was shocked, seeing a side of Dean he hadn't realised existed - then he remembered the nightmares, and the emotions he'd pulled away from Dean so that he didn't have to feel them - and he guiltily wondered if he had been making the problem worse, instead of helping.
At some point Cas dragged them over to the bed, and then Dean was curled up against his angel, letting all the emotion of the past few months come out. He didn't even realise he was crying out until he heard Cas shushing him, whispering soft words of comfort in his ear while he ran hands through his hair.
Each new song brought different emotions, and Dean told Cas about each one in short, gasping breaths. What stage he had been at when he'd heard it, and what memories surfaced with each beat.
Towards the end of an hour he realised he was starting to feel a little bit better - his chest felt lighter, and the sobs had tapered off into the odd gasp or sniffle. He didn't feel quite like he was hyperventilating anymore, either.
As the last song started up, he felt something shift. This was the tipping point, he knew. He lifted his head slightly, wiping his face a little on the blanket before he lifted his eyes to meet the worried blue eyes of Castiel. It felt like seeing him again for the first time, that moment he'd found him alive.
"This one... This one was playing when you called me." Dean whispered, a hand reaching up to gently trace down Cas' cheek.
From deep inside comes rushing forth, all the anguish you suppressed,
"You walked back into my life and blew it apart. Again." He whispered, eyes roaming as Cas pressed his cheek into his palm. "God, I was so stupid before.."
It's never too late, to start all over again
Castiel seemed to understand it was a time to stay quiet, letting Dean talk and come to terms with what he was feeling then and now. His hands kept stroking Dean, one in his hair and one on his back, between his shoulders.
Tell me who's to say after all is done, when you're finally gone you won't be back again.
A smile quirked Dean's lips at that line of the song, getting lost in Cas' eyes as he remembered the moment he saw Cas again at the bunker. And he recalled the feelings that had come forth in that moment, the ones he had tried to deny. The ones he ran away from.
You can find a way to change today, you don't have to wait 'til then
"I love you." He whispered, watching the way those words made Cas' eyes widen in surprise. "I love you, Cas."
It's never too late, to start all over again.
Suddenly he pulled Cas closer, pressing their bodies together as he claimed his lips in a searing kiss, pouring all the love he had discovered into that one moment. Cas barely took a moment to respond, and then he was rolling back, pulling Dean's warmth on top of his body.
They didn't break contact for a moment, even when dean shifted his weight to one arm so that he could gently slip the other hand up underneath the shirt Cas was wearing. The angel gasped sharply as fingers brushed over his collarbone, and Dean took advantage of the moment to lick past his parted lips, brushing over Cas' tongue.
That brought a soft moan from Cas, his hands moving to grip at Dean's sides almost painfully, pulling him down heavier on top of him. The kisses were leaving him dizzy and breathless, and he felt like he couldn't ever possibly get as close to the man as he needed to be.
Suddenly Dean was pulling away hurriedly, and a flicker of fear passed through Cas. Dean felt it and glanced at him sharply - then he remembered.
"Not leaving," He mumbled, sitting on his knees as he looked at the angel below him.
Then he grabbed the hem of his shirt and slowly, never breaking eye contact, lifted it up to expose his chest. Cas took a sharp breath - his ribs were still visible despite that he had put a little weight back on, but despite that he was the most beautiful human Cas could ever want to lay eyes on.
The shirt was thrown across the room, and Dean pulled at Cas' shirt next, fingers tickling his sides in a delicious way as he slowly slid the shirt up and over his head. It joined Dean's discarded clothing in the corner.
"Dean," Cas started, his breath hitching when Dean ran his hands back down his side. "Dean are you sure you're-"
"I'm sure." Dean cut him off, and there was a heady tone in his voice that set every nerve in Castiel's body on fire. "Cas, I love you, I'm sure."
Cas was about to speak, but the words were swallowed by Dean's mouth back on his, his tongue pressing into his mouth and oh, the heat of his skin as it pressed against his own... He understood now, why touching and being naked in someone's presence was such an intimate thing for humans.
After feeling this, he knew he would never be able to look at nudity with such objectivity again.
Note: I decided to be good and end the 'scene' here, to stick to rules. If you want to read the full chapter, I'll post the link to my Ao3 on my profile.
Again please, if you have time, leave a comment. I thrive on reader love. Or like. Or critique. :)
