Context: During Kichiro's first mission, he made a circuit: healing along every front as Konoha fought in the Second Shinobi World War. This is Roach's first official encounter with Kichiro.
Umino Ikkaku
I couldn't die properly. It was like the Shinigami hated me. As a ninja without a clan or kekkei genkai, and as a junior ANBU operative, no matter how promising, I was the one who would be chosen, in any circumstance, to stay behind and slow pursuit, to take the job with the highest risk of capture, and perform any necessary suicide jutsu. The first time, when I was seven, it was considered a fluke. I did mess up the hand seals. The jutsu was supposed to immolate me, it was the signature suicide jutsu of Konoha. I wasn't old enough to have learned it, ANBU or not, but I managed to steal a scroll and learned it anyway, which put me on the list to perform suicide jutsus.
Instead of turning myself into a beautiful explosion of fire that liquified anything it touched, the Iwa ninja I was grinning triumphantly at exploded into a fiery mess. I barely managed to avoid the fire and raced to catch up with my team. They almost killed me on sight. It took two weeks, most of which I spent in ANBU prison, before they believed what happened. It took another two weeks to find a Yamanaka with the clearance to verify it. Two months later, time which I spent confined to headquarters, two Yamanaka joined the ranks of ANBU.
General-sama gave me a code to use if I ever failed to die again, because somehow he knew that I would mess up the deceptively simple suicide jutsu again.
The second time I somehow immolated an Iwa nin instead of myself, my teammates started calling me 'Cockroach'. By the time my ninth birthday rolled around three weeks later, no one called me 'Bird', 'Runt', 'Brat', 'Ikkaku', or any of my other names or nicknames. It was just 'Roach'. The name quickly grew on me until I started introducing myself as Roach. On my next mission out of the village, I ended up caught in a rockslide and walked away with only a gash on my temple, which later scarred, and a concussion. Then, during the first year of the Second Shinobi World War, I was caught in another rockslide. My entire lower body was completely crushed by a massive boulder and the rest of my team was dead. Then this boy, who was several years younger than me, a Konoha ninja in an obnoxious green haori that made me wonder how he wasn't dead yet, appeared out of nowhere, constantly looking over his shoulder.
"Sensei is gonna be here any minute," he muttered to me, his voice barely audible. "He'll get this boulder off you and we'll get you back to base."
"You idiot! Genin aren't allowed this far out of Konoha!" I hissed at him. I wasn't entirely sure he was a Genin, but he seemed familiar.
"I'm a medic," he responded, not even trying to deny the fact that he was most certainly a Genin, kneeling beside me and tearing open my shirt. "I have two Jōnin and a Chuunin on my team, I'm fine. Shit, I can't wait for Sensei, you're going to have to tell me if someone's coming."
"You can't heal this, no one can heal this, get back to your sensei!" I didn't dare raise my voice but I directed as much killing intent as I could at him. He barely flinched and it only made him more determined to ignore my orders.
"I almost managed to heal someone worse off than you a few minutes ago. I can do it this time. You're just going to have to keep watch and tell me if someone's coming. Under that henge you're ANBU Bird, right? You used to guard me on my days off. Keep watch and tell me if anyone shows up."
"Uzumaki‽ You shouldn't even be out here, you're a village asset!"
Kichiro was already starting to heal, even though my lower body was still trapped under the boulder.
"Get out of here!"
"Just keep watch for me, I'll be fine, I've done this before." He brushed me off as if I was nothing more than an annoying toddler. I couldn't force him to leave and he knew it.
"No, just take my mask and slit my throat and get back to base!"
"Shut up so I can concentrate."
My weapons were all stuck under the boulder, and I wasn't going to take any of his. Instead, I stretched one arm out to try and snag a stray kunai on the ground just out of my reach. The kid wouldn't leave unless I was dead. With a bit of clever chakra control, I managed to pull the kunai into my hand. The second it was in my hand, I stabbed it towards my chest, but it wasn't fast enough to escape the kid's notice.
He swore and flung himself at my arm. I barely managed to turn the blade and avoid hurting him. When he grabbed my hand, it went numb and he easily took the kunai, then pocketed it, before returning to his work. "I'm not leaving you. I know those are the bodies of your team above us, and you're just a kid." I would have activated the suicide function of my seal, but he was too close and the backlash would kill him as well.
I grabbed his wrists. "I'm a ninja and in the shinobi world, age is a hallmark of experience, not skill."
"That's a good one, I'll use that, now let go of me!"
"No, you need to get back to your team. You can't heal this. I don't care how much of a hotshot medic you are, you can't beat me, no matter how injured I am. Give me back that kunai, take my mask, and go."
Suddenly, I couldn't move and all my muscles relaxed. As the boy lowered my hands, I noticed the seal tag he stuck on me. I really wanted to strangle the idiot. I hoped no one ever found out that I was incapacitated by a Genin. I would never live it down.
"Serves you right for being an idiot," he has the audacity to mutter at me. "You could have just cooperated and kept watch, but now I have to put up a barrier."
A moment later, a dome of blue surrounded us, slowly lifting the boulder off me, and holding it in the air above my legs. I closed my eyes. I couldn't watch anymore.
"Good news, your pelvis is mostly intact and the ground was soft enough that your bones weren't pulverized, they're only covered in fractures and a few breaks. Most competent medics could heal this, but it'll take a lot of chakra. I have just enough left, but I'm not going to make it back to base by myself. Also, I won't be able to numb the pain. Sorry about that. Also, with this barrier up, Sensei won't be able to find me until it fails. You're going to have to pull your weight."
Almost an hour later, he pulled off the paralysis tag.
I didn't waste a second. I grabbed the kid and bolted. The boulder falling started another rockslide that I couldn't outrun, not with the residual pain in my legs and carrying the kid's dead weight. At least he was still alive as I bolted downhill. I saw a pseudo cave and swung the two of us inside. It was smaller than I thought, barely enough room for both of us. That same boulder landed over the entrance before I could leave and find a better spot. We were trapped, with barely enough room to move and no light. I pulled a cloth mask between my face and my ANBU mask so I wouldn't breathe in too much dust. The kid was unconscious and slumped against me.
There was nothing to do except make myself comfortable. Twice, the kid started to stir, but I put a genjutsu on him to keep him asleep and his chakra muted. I periodically sent out a distress signal through my ANBU tattoo. Hopefully, his sensei was close enough to get the message. It was almost thirty hours before the boulder was lifted away and the boy's sensei, ANBU Dog but without his mask, appeared. After an exchange of ANBU confirmation codes, I let him lift Kichiro off me.
"He's not hurt, I just put him under a Genjutsu."
"Report."
"My team was seen by an Iwa patrol and they started the first rockfall. My team is dead, and a boulder had crushed my lower body. Several hours later, Fox showed up—we're still calling him Fox, right?"
"No, just Uzumaki now."
"Okay, anyways, he showed up and started to heal me under a barrier of some kind. I was going to run us both back to base, but when the barrier holding up the boulder disintegrated, it started a second rockfall and the same, stupid boulder trapped us in there. I put Uzumaki under a genjutsu so we wouldn't attract any attention."
"Anything else?"
"He's not injured. I'm mostly healed, Uzumaki did a good job. The genjutsu will make him forget my identity. Everything else is classified."
"Have you completed your mission?"
"Yes."
"Head back to Konoha, the General gave you the codes for this situation, right?"
I nodded.
"You've definitely lived up to your nickname. Good luck getting out of the village again before you're fifteen. Enjoy the trip back."
I shunshined away. He was right, when General-ka-chan found out, I was benched. Again. It wasn't my fault Iwa was so bad at killing me and it wasn't my fault the Shinigami couldn't do his job properly. At least Uzumaki was always fun to tail and since I handled the one assassination attempt on the kid without the kid noticing, that was one assignment that wouldn't be taken away from me. Hopefully.
Who was I kidding? I might as well pick up a hobby, because I wouldn't be getting any missions for a while.
