A/N: A guest chapter! Ragnar_Danneskjold did an absolutely brilliant job with this one. He created some wonderfully poignant moments here between Ezra and Sabine and I'm so excited to share this with you! As I said before, this addresses some things that happened/will happen in his fic "Crumbling," so if you want to know where all my headcanon is coming from, definitely go read that if you haven't already!
Questions
Ezra's eyes opened just in time to see a purple tuft of hair peek over the railing. Sabine was climbing the ladder to the roof of the tower one-handed, holding two mugs precariously in her other hand, though doing an admirable job not spilling either.
"Good timing, I just finished meditating," Ezra said, smiling at her awkward position.
Sabine was clinging to the railing with one arm, giving him a perturbed look. "A little help?"
"The mighty Mandalorian warrior, asking a Jedi for help? Don't tell your mother." His expression was deadpan.
"Shut it and help, or I'm throwing your caf over the side," she threatened, holding the cups out behind her.
Ezra's lips twitched. "Let go," he said simply.
It was a long way down to the observation deck below, and even further to the ground. And Sabine was without her jetpack or armor. She did as he asked without question or hesitation.
The moment Sabine's fingers loosened around the railing, she felt the most peculiar sensation, one she was sure she'd never get used to. Her skin tingled slightly, and she felt weightless, like she might have in space with no artificial gravity. Her body lifted gracefully into the air and over the railing, wafting gently to where Ezra had laid out a thick blanket and small lantern, and she landed softly on her feet.
"Thanks," she said. She leaned down to set the mugs on the ground and she gave him a peck on the cheek. "You've gotten a lot better at that"
"I've had a lot of practice." Ezra picked up a mug and took a sip. "Besides, couldn't let this go to waste"
"Oh well as long as you have your caf delivery, I guess my business here is finished." Sabine rolled her eyes as she pushed his legs apart so she could lay into his chest. She pulled a second blanket up over their legs, humming her contentment. "Why'd you come up here anyway? You usually meditate in our room." Sabine asked, taking a sip of her own beverage.
"Look up." Ezra gestured to the night sky.
Sabine did so and was briefly awestruck by the sight. For someone who had spent many of her formative years in space, it still amazed her to really look at the stars. Up there they were just balls of gas, navigational hazards, background noise. But down here, looking up at them while in the arms of one you loved, there was something almost magical about it. Every so often, a bright streak appeared in the night sky, flaring briefly and then disappearing into the horizon.
"Wow," Sabine whispered.
"Yeah." Ezra said, absentmindedly running his hands through his hair.
Sabine turned for a second, looking at the wonderstruck expression on his face. She smiled softly and then settled back down, his arms loosely around her, her head on his shoulder. Over half an hour passed before she spoke again, breaking the peaceful silence between them. "I used to come up here sometimes," she said. "In the morning, when you were..." Her voice caught in her throat.
"So that's when that started." He pulled her close, knowing she needed the confirmation of his presence.
"What do you mean?"
"You still come up here in the morning, when you think I'm asleep," he said, letting her in on a secret of his own. "I can sense you, remember?"
Sabine gave him a skeptical look. "So you're spying on me, huh?"
"Oh, all the time. You have no idea." Ezra laughed and then he shook his head. "No, it's not like that, really."
"What's it like?" She asked. There was nothing demanding in her tone; she was genuinely curious.
Ezra sat silently for a moment, thinking of the best way to word his answer. "Well, you know where your hands and feet are right now right?"
"Yeah," she answered quickly, thinking she knew what he was getting at.
"It's like that for me, but with you. I just...know. You're always there. You don't have to be thinking about where your foot is when you're walking or where your hands are when you're painting. You just know. Because they're part of you. Well, you're part of me. And I just know. I can tell more if I concentrate, but I try not to do that"
"How come?" She was fascinated to be getting the answers to some things she'd been wondering about all the Jedi mysticism for some time.
"Well...a connection through the Force is a very personal thing. The closer you are to someone, the stronger it gets. I had it with Kanan, though it was a little different, obviously," Ezra said. He was both surprised and pleased that he could speak about Kanan now without choking up. He knew in the back of his mind it would please Kanan too to know that his death was no longer a source for such acute pain.
He went on. "Ours started a long time ago, but it's really grown since you found me. And because it's so strong, there's a lot that it can tell you. Or me in this case."
"Like what?" She asked, settling back into him. She pulled a bright pink marker from her small bag and began doodling on Ezra's hand while he spoke.
"All sorts of things. What you're doing, what you might do next, where you are, what you're feeling...even what you're thinking". Ezra said hesitantly.
"You can read my mind?" Sabine asked, shocked enough to stop her drawing and look at him.
"Well that's why I said I don't concentrate on it. One of the first things Kanan taught me was that using the Force against the mind of another sentient being can be a very dangerous thing, for the Jedi and the other person. It's also very wrong, which is part of what makes it so dangerous."
"Dark side stuff?" She asked quietly.
"Dark side stuff." He answered with a shudder.
"So you don't do that with me?" She felt she already knew the answer, but wanted to hear him say it.
He looked her in the eye. "Never. Not even once."
"I think I knew that," she said softly, squeezing his arm. "I don't know how, but I knew." She went back to doodling for a few minutes, but couldn't keep herself from thinking back to their times together and apart. "What about those times when you could sense I was angry or you knew what I was about to do before I did it?"
"Caught on to that huh?" Ezra chuckled.
"Uh huh. Don't dodge. This is the first time we've ever really talked about this stuff. You Jedi are always so secretive."
"Well, since you asked, think of it this way. What's the difference between me asking you a question and you telling me the answer, and you just yelling the answer at the top of your lungs without being asked."
Sabine considered. "So you're saying I sort of broadcast it sometimes?"
"Heh, sometimes." Ezra chortled. "But yeah, pretty much. A lot of the time it's not really so much trying to read your emotions or intentions, but just noticing them. Most people project that sort of thing more than they know. You especially," he added, teasing.
She grumbled, too caught up in trying to understand to get the joke. "Ugh—do I really? That must be exhausting." She paused long enough to notice that it wasn't her feelings being laid bare to him that bothered her, but how that must affect him. She really had grown.
"It's not bad. I got used to that about you sometime around my third year on the Ghost. Now it would be weird if you weren't like that. Besides, it can be helpful sometimes." He told her, letting her go back to her drawing.
"I knew you were cheating!" She exclaimed, pretending to be exasperated. "All those times when you knew when to leave me alone or when to get me caf or give me a massage. You thought you were being so smooth, didn't you?"
"You caught me," Ezra said jovially. "But honestly, no that's not really it. Maybe at first, but I'd like to think I've learned enough about you by now not to have to resort to that."
"Yeah, well you got all that learning by cheating. I had to do it the hard way. How do you think I learned how you like your caf, or that you like to sleep in, or that you like the window cracked in the morning but not at night? By watching you. I didn't have any fancy Force magic, mister." She lifted her chin in triumph, feeling she'd won an argument they weren't even having. Her Mandalorian heritage was hard to deny, and she never passed up the chance to feel like she'd won something.
He held up his hands. "Hey, cut me some slack. I'm not the one who always keeps everything bottled up. And I'm not a good enough art critic to be able to see what you're feeling through that." He thought he heard a quiet I'll say under Sabine's breath. "If I had to resort to some mild trickery to be a better boyfriend, I'll take the heat for it." He knew she wasn't really mad, but wanted to smooth things over just in case.
Sabine sighed. Getting past her armor, real or emotional, was a challenge for anyone, and she had to admit she much preferred it now that Ezra had managed to pull it off. "You're right," she said simply.
"I am?" Ezra was taken aback; he'd been expecting a little more resistance.
"Yes, you are," she said seriously. "I know I'm...not the easiest person to be around or get to know. And you've been patient with me for a long time. I know it wasn't easy for you getting through to me, but you did it." She put her marker down and held his hand. "So if you had to rely on your freaky powers to do it sometimes, I can't really hold that against you. I also can't say I'm not pleased with the results. So here we are."
"Wow, thanks Sabine," Ezra said awkwardly. He hadn't been prepared for her emotional concession.
"I still say you're cheating though" Sabine teased, turning around and sticking her tongue out at him. "And even without the Force, I still know you better than you know me."
"Oh, you think so, huh?"
"I do know you. Probably better than you know yourself."
"Oh yeah, what's my favorite color?" Ezra asked, his hand slowly moving along her body towards her very sensitive sides.
She rolled her eyes. "Really? That's what you ask to test me? Everyone in the galaxy knows it's orange, Ezra. The only reason why you aren't wearing orange right now is because I made you buy other clothes. And if that hand keeps moving where I think it is, this little date is going to be over," she admonished.
"Hey, I was starting you out easy on purpose. And don't worry about my hand, I have more questions."
"Fine, ask away." She reached with her own hand to stop his, which was getting dangerously close to her armpit.
"What's my favorite animal?"
"Does all of them count?"
"Nope. Pick one."
"Cats."
"You mean Loth-cats?" Ezra asked playfully.
Sabine groaned. "Can we please stop it with that? Loth-flu. Loth-cats. Loth-wolves. I'm not going to forget where we are Ezra, I promise."
"But you're a citizen now, Sabine. You gotta adapt to the culture."
"Well, maybe I'm going to help change a bit of that culture. Bring some Mandalorian flare to things. And adding 'Loth' to everything is stupid."
"You're stupid," Ezra retorted lamely.
Sabine laughed. "Oh, real romantic. Insulting your girlfriend on date night. Do we need a repeat of our first date?"
"Uggh. We agreed not to talk about that."
"Well, sometimes you need a little reminder." Sabine said sweetly. "Don't worry, I'll make a respectable boyfriend out of you yet. Rule number one: don't call your girlfriend stupid while she's laying in your arms if you want her to keep laying there."
"First painting lessons, now dating lessons huh? How was I so lucky to get such a talented woman." Sarcasm dripped from every word.
"And don't you forget it." She patted his hand condescendingly. "Out of questions already? I was just starting to have fun with this."
"Well if you want to have fun, you can always let go of my hand and let it wander..." He answered devilishly.
"Right after you called me stupid? Fat chance of that. Alright smart guy, what's my favorite color and animal?" Sabine turned to look him in the eye.
"First, you don't have a favorite color. You love all of them because each one allows you to express something different in your art. Second, you don't have a favorite animal, either. But I do know you hate Loth-cats—sorry, cats." His grin was smug and not sorry at all. She ignored it.
"So you were listening to my lesson. Not bad."
"I have my moments." Ezra crowed, taking another sip of his drink.
She tipped her head back, kissing his jaw. "Not many of them, but you do have them."
"Alright, let's turn this around. What's your favorite of my many charming qualities?" Ezra asked.
"Such a long list. How can I possible choose just one?" Sabine deadpanned.
"Hey if there's another guy you'd rather be up here with, I can give you some time."
She swatted his leg. "Rule number two, which you've broken before, don't bring up other guys to your girlfriend while on a date." Sabine told him matter-of-factly. "But since I am stuck here with you, are you asking about physical qualities, or personality?"
"Why not both?" Ezra answered, jumping at the chance to get two compliments in one.
"Hmmmm." Sabine hummed, pretending to think hard. "Physically, definitely your eyes. I could get lost in them for hours."
"Well aren't you a sweet talker" He planted a quick kiss on the top of her head.
"I hope you're taking notes. And as far as your personality goes..." Sabine looked over her shoulder at him, a sarcastic answer forming on her lips, but when she saw his face she knew he was actually curious. A brief pang of regret stabbed at her as she remembered all the times she'd turned him down when they were young. Despite his frequent and loud boasts, she did know him well enough to know there was a fair amount of self-doubt and shyness buried in there somewhere, something she suspected she had unfortunately played a role in growing.
She decided to help fix that and give him a real answer from the heart. "Actually...the list for this one might take all night. But, you did only ask for one. And you've seen the recordings I made for you. So if I had to pick my favorite...I'm gonna go with how selfless you are."
Ezra was ready to just accept that answer as-is, but Sabine continued.
"And I don't just mean in the big things. Fighting or risking your life. I mean everyday things—the way you let someone else go ahead of you at the market, or help a stranger carry something heavy in the street, or let me have the last bit of caf in the pot. You're not demanding or loud about it. These things are just second nature. I love that about you. And—" She stopped short, humming in uncertainty before she continued. "Even when you need something from me, you're thinking of me first. Like when you knew I wasn't being truthful about what happened when you were gone, you didn't push me."
"Of course not," he said softly.
"But you could have." She pulled his arms around her. "And you didn't." She paused and a playful smile pulled at her lips. "What about me?"
"What about you?" He replied.
"Don't I get any compliments?"
"Letting you live with me isn't enough?" Ezra said, feeling her growl and loving how easy it was to push her buttons. The jab was really a stalling tactic; when it came to the things he loved about Sabine, he was hard-pressed to pick a favorite. "I love—I love your tenacity," he said at last, turning serious. "And your strength."
She didn't say anything, but her surprise and self-doubt were evident in the way she tensed and caught her breath. He tightened his arms around her, scolding as he kissed her forehead. "Don't give me that. You handle things with more grace than anyone I've ever met, Sabine. The way you handled the darksaber, Lothal, the war, finding me—you've been so strong. You're amazing."
"I'm...glad you think so, cyar'ika," she murmured simply.
Sabine fell silent for a long time, simply watching the end of the meteor shower and feeling the warmth of her beloved envelop her. She wanted nothing more than to enjoy this moment forever, unsullied by her own admissions of near betrayal or inadequacy. But she knew she needed to talk to him. Ezra hadn't pushed her to explaining everything that had happened while he had been gone. Not after visiting the memorial, not after her overreaction to his innocuous comments two months before. It was as if he had spent his entire lifetime's supply of pestering annoyance when he was fourteen and had only patience left. And after what he'd told her, of what he admired most about her, she reviled at the thought of breaking his illusion.
But she knew what she had to do. She owed it to him, to herself, even to Hera. She had to be honest. The past eight months had been a whirlwind of joy. Neither of them had much of anything to do besides spending time together, and it was like the foundation they had built when they were younger, which had been waiting along with them, had erupted into a deep romance neither knew they wanted until they were in over their heads. Years of yearning and growing to be the best partner the other could ever hope for condensed into less than a year. But it was a foundation that couldn't last if built on a lie. Well, not a lie in the strictest sense, but one of omission, which for two people who were supposed to be sharing everything, could be just as poisonous. She felt she needed to tell him. And she had to trust that he would keep being himself, keep loving her as before. If he could, they would get past it.
As she ruminated and tried to piece together what she might say, she felt his breathing even out and grow slow. Was he falling asleep?
Manda, that sounds wonderful right now, she thought. The night air was cool but not too cold, they were too high up for any of the normal insects or pests, the sky was gorgeous, and they, meaning Ezra, had brought nearly every blanket and pillow they owned up here. It would be so easy to just fall asleep with him, let it go another day. There would always be another chance. She could call it a tactical retreat. She could even say she was doing it for his benefit, not wanting to spoil his obviously playful mood and peaceful rest.
But she meant what she'd said to Hera; she knew that Ezra was going to ask her to marry him soon, and she wanted to be able to say yes without this last shadow of her past hanging over them. The time had come.
"Ezra?" She whispered, not sure if she was hoping or dreading an answer. Maybe both.
"Hmm?" He answered quietly.
"Did I wake you?"
"No, I was just thinking." He drew his fingers through her hair, eliciting a pleased shiver from her.
"Can I ask what about?"
"You can ask. Doesn't mean I'm gonna tell you yet." He said, chuckling softly.
Sabine didn't reply.
"You okay, cyar'ika?" Ezra asked after a few moments. He, of course, already knew the answer.
Sabine turned in place until she was facing him, wrapping her legs around his waist and leaning her head on his shoulder. Ezra brought the blanket up around her shoulders until only her hair was showing.
"No." Sabine whispered in his ear. Her voice was broken and trembling. He felt a single tear drop from her cheeks and run down his neck.
Ezra had known what was coming. He wasn't entirely sure why she had gotten so upset, but as the pair lay in the dim starlight, he could feel her emotions slowly boiling, fighting with each other, indecision and regret pouring off her like sweat. He also knew not to prod her into doing or saying anything.
Love her.
That had been Hera's advice, and he took it to heart. Nothing too specific or direct. Just a plain directive to be there for her when she needed him, and to never let her down. She would come to him in her own time, and he would always be ready. Now was one of those times.
"Shh." He whispered in her ear, pulling her close and wrapping the blanket around the both of them even tighter. Sabine was trembling, and not from the mild night air.
Ezra could sense her trepidation. Her insecurities, grief, regret, embarrassment, and shame were pouring off of her in waves that washed over him with an almost physical sensation. He wanted nothing more in this moment than to take this burden from her. Long years of lessons from Kanan had taught him how to release such emotions into the Force, though he had often not been wise enough to heed those teachings. But he knew he could do it now. For her.
But he also knew that it could not be something he decided on his own. He had only this night explained to Sabine how terrible using the Force on another person against their will could be, never mind dangerous. The temptation was there, as it always was. Whispers in the back of his mind. Teasing him. Coaxing him. Telling him everything he wanted to hear.
Just this once.
It will be alright.
You have the power to help her.
She'll never know…
No.
He would not listen to them. He had listened to that sweet voice before, and it had led only to more pain. The brief image of a small golden pyramid, glowing with dark red light flashed through his mind.
"Sabine…" he whispered hoarsely, shutting his eyes tightly and breathing hard; shutting out that voice and focusing instead on another. The voice of Kanan, which he could still hear to this day as if he was standing in front of him.
Sabine moved in his arms. She spoke no words, but he knew she was listening.
"Let me help you." He reached up to smooth her bright hair.
Again, she said nothing. But he knew as surely as if she did that her decision had been made. She accepted his help. She would lean on him in her moment of need, letting him take the worst of her pain away so that she could find the strength she needed to talk to him.
Their connection in the Force had already been made. It had been growing for as long as they knew each other, and it took no effort at this point to act upon. Keeping his eyes closed, Ezra tightened his embrace on her and let his own mind drift around hers, pulling away the sharpest edges of her anger, smoothing over the deepest valleys of her regret. He released it all into the Force itself, and could feel Sabine relax in his embrace.
She looked up at him, her eyes clearer now, though still laced with tears. Ezra only smiled back at her, warm and comforting, not a trace of scorn or judgment to be found.
"Ezra…" She began, gathering her strength and feeling a renewed sense of hope. This would be past them soon. "I'm not…who you think I am".
Ezra said nothing, knowing it wasn't time for his own words.
"You say that I'm strong. That I never give up. I have to tell you that…that I'm not. I'm not as strong as you think I am."
Now that the she had begun, the words simply flowed out of her, as if she was unable to stop herself even if she tried. It was a pain that had laid dormant for a long time now. Hera had helped her with the worst of it, showing her what she had to live for, why she not only could keep going, but why she should. And her months reunited with Ezra had almost erased it entirely.
Almost.
"When you were gone...I went through a lot. I pretended like you had never left, or that you would be coming back the next day. Except you didn't. I woke up every morning thinking this would be the day I saw you again, but it never was. It made me furious Ezra. I…I hated you. I hated the Force, the Jedi, Kanan, everyone. Even myself. Mostly myself."
Ezra stirred, nearly stopping her so that he could tell her how wrong she had been, but she was adamant now, unwilling to let him hold this off any longer, even for her sake.
She put a hand on his chest. "No, I need to say this. If we have any future, you need to know." Her eyes, fierce and lit with a golden fire, bored into his. He nodded and she continued.
"When you didn't come back, I hated you. I was this close to leaving Lothal and going back to my family. Giving up on all of this. I was in the cockpit and ready to leave, engines running. And then I saw your recording. The one you left just for me. I don't know how you did it, but you saw what I was going through in that moment, and you let me keep going on for a little longer. That's when I made those holos for you; for when you came home."
Ezra only listened now. He knew that this was a painful admission for her, but not the worst she had to make.
"But you didn't come home. You were still gone. I told myself it was because you were out doing something important, like you always do. That your place was out there, and mine was here. We were each fighting the war in our own way. I lost myself in my work. I distracted myself with just living and waiting. Waiting for you to finally come home….and then the war ended. And you still weren't here."
Sabine voice was beginning to falter again, and Ezra could no longer feel the comforting embrace of the living Force taking the worst of his own emotions away from him. He knew that for this last admission, it would only be him and her. No Jedi, no will of the Force; just a man and a woman dealing with pain by relying on the only thing they had left. Each other. The Force was choosing not to help him this time. This time, he was on his own.
But not entirely. He wasn't alone, and neither was she. They had each other.
"When Hera found me…I was…I…" she stammered, trying to force the words through her lips. The most painful regret she had left. "I was...ready to give up."
She held his gaze, hardly breathing, watching his expression change and his mouth move silently as he pieced together what she meant. She bit the inside of her lip, drawing blood, anxious in the seconds she was unsure of what his reaction was going to be. The moment the pieces clicked into place, he turned terribly, terribly pale.
"Sabine." Her name was a whisper, barely there. "Sabine."
He'd suspected it was something like this, but hearing it didn't make him feel any less heartsore. For a flicker of an instant, an old anger burned in him; if not for Thrawn and the Empire and everything else, he could have been there for her, she would have never felt that pain and loneliness—
But they'd walked the paths they did for a reason.
He let it go.
Slowly, he reached for her, resting his hands on either side of her neck, stroking her cheeks with his thumbs. He could feel her pulse against his palm and he had never been so grateful that she was here and his and alive.
"What—happened?" He asked cautiously, quietly.
She closed her hands around his wrists, anchoring to him. "I didn't...try anything," she said, "but I was drunk like you wouldn't believe and angry and depressed one night and..." Her eyes flicked to his. "My blaster looked...tempting." He opened his mouth to ask why and she shook her head, anticipating the question. "I can't attach a whole lot of rational thought to it, Ezra," she murmured. "It was just...rock bottom and I'm—I'm sorry."
"Sorry?" Incredulity colored the word and he gaped at her.
"I—" Her eyes welled with tears. "I felt like I was betraying you...I don't know...letting you down somehow by even thinking about—you were counting on me to take care of Lothal and come and find you and if I'd—" She looked down at her hands. "I wanted to tell you for so long. I felt like it was this thing I was hiding from you that you needed to know about me and—"
"Stop. Breathe." He stroked her forehead and she relaxed under his touch, inhaling deeply. She nodded, and he went on. "I don't need to know all the details, Sabine. I know better than anyone that somethings are...better left in the past." He thought of his parents and Kanan and all the pain of loss. "All I've ever needed is for you to..." He trailed off, getting lost in her eyes and the promise of the future.
"To what?" She leaned closer to him.
With his thumb, he traced the border of her lips. "To let me love you," he said. "All of you. That's it."
She nodded, blinking as tears threatened to spill. And then she smiled radiantly, resting her head on his shoulder. "I can do that," she murmured.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
A makeshift mattress of blankets under them, Ezra lay down, Sabine still in his arms. She curled into him and he felt how every muscle drained of tension, like her whole body was sighing in relief now that she had the weight of past sorrows off her shoulders. For the first time in months, she was content—really content. A shadow had lifted and would never return.
Ezra felt suddenly light and giddy himself; for weeks he'd had plans in place to ask her to be his wife, but the timing had felt off. He didn't know why, he just knew he needed to be patient a little while longer. But now?
"Hey," he said after a long silence. "You wanna go somewhere?"
She made a sound and shifted, coming back from the edges of drowsiness. "Other than to sleep?"
He laughed. "Not tonight. But soon. You still have a couple months left before school starts and I have something in mind."
"What?"
"Just something," he hedged. "Trust me."
"Mm." She kissed his neck, just below his jaw, because she knew exactly what that would do to his willpower. "You sure you don't want to tell me?"
He stood his ground—barely. "Positive."
She pulled away just slightly, tipping her head back so she could look at him. There was a slight crease between her brows. "The last time you had a secret plan—"
"I promise," he deadpanned, "not to run away with Purrgil and hang out in the Unknown Regions for five years."
She rolled her eyes before she settled back into him. "Well then," she sighed, feigning reluctance. "I guess we're going on a trip."
