Chapter Three

A few hours later, Meredith was operating with Jo on a tumor resection. The feeling was just as present, and she was doing whatever she could to push it down.

"Wilson have you started studying for your boards?" she asked.

"Are you kidding? I've already been studying for weeks. This is so stressful! Was it like that when you were studying for yours?"

Meredith laughed at the memory. "Oh yeah! I mean, I had it a little easier than the others, I guess. Callie, Dr. Torres, decided to mentor me, and she had this system. We all were studying any chance we got. But we all had so much stuff going on, too. I had Zola, Cristina's marriage was failing , and I'm sure you heard about Alex."

"No, he never said anything. What happened to Alex?"

"He was on this peds case. It was really rough. Twenty four week preemie. The mother was an intern, Morgan. He was just trying to work on his bedside manner, which wasn't always as great as it is now!" she laughs at the memory. "He was on that case practically around the clock."

Jo was hanging on her every word. Alex didn't like to talk about himself very much, and she liked to hear stories about who he was before she had met him.

"Unfortunately, the baby, Tommy, his father couldn't handle it and left. Morgan leaned on Alex pretty hard, and Alex being Alex was there for her. She started to fall for him. He didn't see it until Callie pointed it out to him. He had to pull himself from the case, but it wasn't easy. She hated Alex, which was okay because it made her stronger for her baby. He decompensated, and it was clear he was going to die. Of course, it happened the same day we had to take our boards, and he actually missed the first part because he stayed with her, to help her through it."

"Wow." It was all she could say.

Meredith nodded. "Yeah." She lost herself in thought, reflecting on how Alex had become one of the best men she had ever known, had become her best friend, the person she knew she could count on. She truly did not know what she would do without him. She smiled to herself, realizing it was the first time all day that she had forgotten about the feeling. Even when he wasn't with her he helped her, it seemed.

Meredith didn't realize how long she had been caught up in her thoughts until she heard Jo say, "Dr. Grey?"

Meredith looked up at Jo. "Sorry. Could you repeat that?"

"I was just wondering what advice you had for my placement interviews. They're coming up soon, and I want to know is there anything I should practice, or rehearse. I'd be grateful for any advice."

Suddenly, Meredith felt as if all of the air left the room. She felt like she was being suffocated, and struggled to maintain her composure. "Where…" she began, but her mouth was so dry she had to start over. "Where do you hope to go?"

Fortunately, Jo was so caught up in her questions that she failed to notice Meredith's situation. "I'd really like to end up some place back east. I've never said it out loud before, but I have always seen myself at Mass Gen."

The rest of her words fell away, and Meredith felt like a hole in the floor would open and swallow her up into oblivion. Suddenly, the sound of the beeping monitors filled the room.

"What did you do?" snapped Meredith.

"Nothing! I just placed that stitch…"

"Get out!"

"Dr. Grey…"

Meredith snapped her head up to look at Jo. Her face was contorted with an anger that Jo had never seen. "Dr. Wilson get out of my OR now!" she bellowed.

Jo stood in shocked silence for a moment, before turning and running from the operating room.

Meredith made quick repair of the bleeder that she knew was in no way Jo's fault. She focused intently on the task at hand. Her world was, indeed, falling apart but she was going to keep it together anyway. For now.