Chapter 4
Bucky stared at the arm that was outstretched in front of him.
What the hell? Who is she?
The question he had just asked her was still filling his mind and giving him no rest. And she never actually answered whether or not this was some kind of sick trick to get him to spill his secrets. There was something about her, that much he was sure of. But in a good or bad way? Probably bad – in his experience it was always bad.
"I'm agent Michelle Collins, but you can call me Shelly."
Agent? Didn't she just say she used to be one – as in not anymore? Did she just blow her cover? The soldier slowly shifted his gaze from the woman to his bare feet, outstretched in front of him on the – for him – tiny bed. He needed to focus, and she was too close for him to breathe freely. Every muscle in his body was tensed and prepared for the attack that might come any moment now.
"So, you're James Buchanan Barnes, obviously.", the woman talked again and somehow the nervous undertone she tried to hide put Bucky at ease. She was at least as afraid of him as he was afraid of her. Well, he wasn't really afraid of her – she was small and fragile in comparison to her, he could snap her neck before she could even take her next breath. But this small, fragile woman was the first person to understand what was going on within his head. This constant noise from all the memories in the back of his mind were driving him crazy and when outside voices were added, it was just too much. Bucky himself could not have put the feeling into words, but the way she did had described it perfectly.
Once again, he shifted slightly to look directly at the woman still standing too close for his liking. He had already memorised her appearance down to the most insignificant details, when she had been sitting on the floor across the room. If he was standing, she would only reach up to his shoulders. She was small but beneath her sweater he could see hints of muscles. Her hair was a dark blonde - assumedly naturally so – colour and it was pulled into a low bun, but some strands were loosely framing her face. Her face was rather plain – full lips, a small nose and some freckles left from summer.
But her eyes he hadn't been prepared for. Looking closely for the first time, they were an even darker green. Her eyes instantly shied away from his intense gaze and told him everything he needed to know.
Whatever this was, Bucky was sure it was not a trick being played on him. It didn't mean he would trust her, but at least he wouldn't snap her neck. The caution and fear in this woman's look were just too familiar to ignore. It was the look he saw everytime he looked into a mirror. The look of a broken person.
xXx
The soldier had been staring at her for a few minutes now and Shelly got more and more nervous.
Did he recognise me? He can't have, can he?
Shelly silently tried to go over her plan in her mind. "Um, well", she knew her voice was shaking badly. "What do you want me to call you? Barnes or Bucky? Or Sergeant?"
Bucky raised his right eyebrow in an expression that could only express annoyance. As if he wanted to tell her he knew what kind of game she was playing. Well, he surly didn't, because – hell, she didn't even know what game she was playing herself.
"Not Sergeant and not Bucky. Barnes is fine.", his voice sounded bored but the way his left eye twitched, gave it away. She peaked his interest. With a wicked little smile, she turned around and put some space between herself and her mission. As before, Shelly settled down on the floor next to the door. Only when she had made herself comfortable on the cold ground, did she speak again. "Is there something you want to ask me, Barnes?"
They both know he did. However, Bucky seemed to contemplate whether or not to ask. In the end, curiosity – or the need to get information – won the battle.
"Why did you not ask me if I wanted to be called James?"
"Come on, buddy, we both know only your mother was allowed to call you that."
It only lasted a mere moment, but Shelly could hear his breath hitch. Now she needed to give him time. Maybe he had already remembered that memory, but maybe it was coming back just now. From the outside, there was no way to tell, because his face had gone blank. No expression to be easily read anymore. Staring straight ahead like this, the woman could really imagine him as Hydra's deadly assassin.
There was no rush, he needed time to snap back to reality. So, Shelly did what she had to. She waited for him to make the next move.
xXx
Bucky flinched as one of the voices in the back of his mind got louder and louder. It was one of the memories he had pushed away, one he didn't want to remember. The woman was right again and honestly, he hated her for it. Somehow, she knew exactly what to say to push his buttons. He was an assassin, for fuck's sake – no one should be able to get to him so easily. So he did what he had to do. Bucky tensed his whole body and tried to hide away every emotion until his face had gone totally blank.
Inside, however, nothing was blank. The emotions were swirling around in his head as he once again remembered his mother's death. She was the only one that called him by his real name and she would stay the only one.
He had seen these flashes of his past before, but now some new ones were added. There was Steve – back in the days before he became Captain America – shouting "James" at him after a fight they had had. There was Steve again, this time grieving about Bucky's mom passing away. Several memories came back at once and all of them involved his former best friend. Actually, it did make sense. There wasn't really anyone else important in his life after his mother had died.
Finally, his mind calmed down, but he wasn't able to rest. Nobody knew about that little detail, so how would she know?
Bucky's left eye started twitching again when he turned to face the blonde agent across the room. "I guess you didn't get that from my file, did you?" Even he could hear how cold and distanced his voice sounded. This was the soldier talking right now – and he demanded answers.
"No, I didn't", the woman's calm smile was agitating him even more. She should be afraid of the Winter soldier and not smile nicely as if they were neighbours chatting about their day. "Steve once told me about how you would freak out when he called you 'James'. And how he sometimes had to, because it was the only way you would listen when you were being stubborn. If I'm being honest with you, Barnes, I know a lot of things about you that aren't stated in your file."
The Sergeant knew that he should be concerned about the fact that her words sounded like a threat. But all he could focus on was the mention of the person who used to be closest to him.
xXx
Shelly knew it was a risk to mention Captain America so soon, but she had to. Barnes was not the kind of man who could be manipulated by a wink or a brush of her fingertips against his arm. In this case she had to use all the weapons she had at her disposal, even if it was a low-blow. Of course, there was always the possibility that her method of making him talk would backfire. But so what? It wasn't like she had much to lose anyway.
Looking at the man on the other side of the room, the agent started fidgeting and cracking her bones again and again. He hadn't replied to her earlier comment yet, his face still blank. In this moment Shelly was truly terrified that she had provoked memories the soldier could not handle in his momentary state.
Maybe she should apologize? Give him more time? Prepare for an attack? The woman honestly hadn't expected this outcome. In theory she would have thrown him the bait and he would have become angry enough to speak again. Shelly would have bet that this was his reaction, not the silent treatment she was currently facing. Sure, she couldn't have known exactly what would happen if she casually mentioned Steve Rogers. However, in her own experience, it wasn't unlikely. After all, the moment someone so much as whispered Toby's name, she freaked out. She learned to control her outburst over the last years, but the overwhelming agitation she felt remained nonetheless.
Finally, she decided to end her little nervous misery and stood up once more. Glancing at the man she was meant to help, she spoke softly: "Are you okay?" Yes, it was a stupid question. Yes, she was aware of the situation she was in. No, she did not expect him to be fine. But she needed him back in the real world before she could say what she had to. And so, as soon as his blue eyes found her green ones, she continued. "I know that it must be hard to remember, but we both know it's a necessary evil. Sometimes all these memories come back at once and you don't know what you feel anymore, but you will learn to control your thoughts as soon as you accept it." Barnes huffed, obviously enraged. "There you go, telling me all the crap the counsellors always did. You don't know half of what I've actually done. And no, I won't just accept that I've murdered cruelly and unforgivingly, just because you say it'll clear my conscience."
Shelly smiled at him sadly then made her way over to his side of the room. Sitting down beside the bed she made sure she would not tower over him. "I know. You may not believe me, but I know what you are going through. It was not the same, not even close, but I lost myself and someone very important to me in the process. It's been four years since I came home from that mission and I still haven't slept through a whole night. I know that talking about what you feel sucks. That's why I want to say thank you for talking to me right now. That's the first step." The soldiers' frown deepened as he seemed to take the agent in with new interest. "You say you're like me", he started, "but you're just like them. You want me to accept what I've done and live with it to make me your weapon. S.H.I.E.L.D wants to use me just as much as they did."
Shelly simply took a long breath and thought about her next words. She could not negate his statement because she had no clue what Fury had planned for him. What she could do, however, was making it clear that she was nothing like the agency's counsellors she so despised. He was right in that aspect: All they had wanted was for her to be cleared for new missions. For her to be ready to kill again.
"Im not telling you that you should accept the things you have done. You shouldn't. Those missions you've been sent on were bloody and if you're still anything like the old Barnes you wouldn't accept they were your doings. But what you should accept is the fact that you can't change the past. What's done is done. No second chance, the only thing you can do is learn from your experience and move forward."
"Is that what you have done?", Barnes asked the blonde woman sitting on the floor next to him. She stared straight ahead and did not move, he only heard her stomach growling loudly in the silence.
"Well", she said as she stood up and wandered towards the door, "I'm still working on it. I thought I was over the whole situation but being here brings back memories. How about we just tackle it together, we're supposed to be buddies anyway. One day at a time, alright? I think this is enough for today, want to go to the cafeteria to eat?" The bearded, long-haired man simply shook his head. "I'm not allowed outside of my room." "What do you eat then?", Shelly asked baffled. She realized, however, that he hadn't declined her offer to work together. That had to be progress. Barnes shrugged nonchalantly, "They bring me a plate of food and a spoon twice a day. Never a fork or a knife, because they're scared I'll kill the messenger. Or maybe myself."
Shelly once again saw some flicker of self-hatred mixed with agony in the man's eyes and decided that maybe she was not done for the day yet. He was not a prisoner, well, he was kind of – but that was so not the point. He deserved an actual meal with an actual fork. Mind made up, she walked out of the door. Before closing it, she turned around one more time to face Barnes. "I'll be right back."
