Chapter 29: Clay Sculpture Arc - The Baka Bird and the Radio

Hope you enjoy this filler-ish chapter!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for my OCs and the plot! I don't own the commercial or its product, either!


Kaiya's POV

Bleak and dreary Monday morning struck again, but this time, I did not wind up in the Pure Land. When my eyes fluttered open, the first thing I saw was not a realm filled with pink and white clouds. Instead, it was a very playful masked boy bouncing on top of me, squealing for me to get up.

"Wake up, Kaiya-chan! Wake up! Wake up!"

"Alright! I'm getting up!" I roared, throwing the masked boy off of my bed. "Tobi, what could be so important that you would wake up so early on Mon— wait, Monday?"

My hand flew to check my alarm clock, and thankfully, it was only 6:30. Sighing in relief, I placed the clock back and glared at Tobi, who flinched. "Thanks for waking me up for school, but you didn't have to jump on top of me like that."

Tobi shrugged, then returned to my bedside, still panicked. "Tobi didn't know that school was today, Kaiya-chan! It's Deidara-senpai! Senpai doesn't look very well to Tobi, with so much fur and sneezing!"

At that, my eyes flew wide open, and I leaped instinctively off of my bed. "Hold on! Slow down, Tobi! What did you say about Deidara and sneezing?"

He proceeded to wave his arms all over the place, running around in circles in my room. "Deidara-senpai won't stop sneezing, Kaiya-chan! Can Kaiya-chan help senpai out?"

"Right away!" I answered, grabbing the portable bottle of Asuka lavender perfume on my desk. Immediately, I ran out the door, with Tobi following me. "Which room is he in, Tobi?"

"This way!" he told me, pointing down the stairs. As quickly as possible, we flew down the steps, the bottle of perfume grasped tightly in my hand. Once we got to the bottom steps, we didn't hesitate in our search for Deidara. Tobi pushed aside the cabinet in the living room, revealing the entrance to the not-so-hidden-anymore basement.

"I don't see—" I started, but Tobi cut me off by grabbing my hand and dragging me down the steps. Suddenly, my ears picked up a faint coughing noise.

"Deidara?" I called into the depths of the basement. "Are you down here?"

Of course, due to all of that sneezing, the reply obviously wasn't the voice of a human boy. Instead, it was a rather high-pitched whimper, followed by a small meow.

"Tobi heard senpai sneezing," the masked boy explained as soon as we got to the bottom step. "Senpai wasn't there...but yellow kitty was there, still sneezing. Tobi took the yellow kitty down here to rest."

Firework sat feebly on a large blanket, his eyes closed. Every few seconds, he either coughed or sneezed. Akane sat next to her creator, curiously attempting to peck at him every now and then, puzzled on why there was a yellow cat in the place of her creator.

"That spray from the waterfall," I subconsciously muttered to myself.

"What did Kaiya-chan say?" Tobi asked, tilting his head to the side. "What waterfall?"

I sent him a nervous smile, waving my hands. "N-nothing!"

No one except for us knew about the hour we spent soaring on Akane the phoenix by the random waterfall. Deidara certainly had a ton of water splashed onto him, but I hadn't thought that it was enough to get him to catch a cold.

I pointed back up the stairs. "Get the others quickly. We need to figure out what to do about this situation, since Deidara obviously can't go to school like this. Our identities and powers will be discovered immediately. And also, can you ask one of the Akatsuki to get warm water?"

Tobi nodded, then raced back up the stairs at sonic speeds. Once he had left the basement, I returned my attention to Firework, who was still in a small coughing fit. Whipping out my bottle of perfume, I quickly sprayed him with it, ignoring all of the smoke that had just appeared inside of the basement.

"K-Kaiya?" he whispered, his eyes fluttering open. "What are you—"

I cut him off by quickly pressing my hand to his forehead, which was extremely warm. Taking my hand back, I quickly backed away from Deidara just as he sneezed again. Smoke filled the room, and once it had cleared, in his place was Firework, looking just as ill.

"You've caught a fever," I told him, and he looked at me worriedly. "Maybe we shouldn't have cut through the waterfall yesterday."

Akane cooed sadly, shooting me a pitiful look. Reassuringly, I brushed her back with my finger, allowing her to relax.

"It's truly nobody's fault, Akane," I told the clay phoenix. "We were only having a blast exploring yesterday. Nobody could have anticipated that Deidara would catch a fever like this. And besides, there's a pharmacy nearby with medication that can help him improve...but I'll have to drive there. If I walk, it will take too long."

I shuddered, thinking about driving the car that we often left unused in our garage. Occasionally, we were forced to use it to get to distant places, but we tried as little as possible, taking the bus or just walking to school each day. History did not need to repeat itself.

"Is there anything you need, Deidara?" I asked him as he let out another wave of coughs and sneezes.

When he finished, Firework whimpered, feebly pointing his paw towards the perfume bottle. Getting what he meant, I picked it up again, and lightly sprayed him with it, resulting in another explosion of white smoke.

"Speak quickly," I told him, "before you sneeze and turn back into a cat."

"I don't think that I have the strength to use chakra right now," he said quickly. "If I did, I would make Akane bigger so that you could fly on her to that pharmacy. But still what is this "car" you spe...ah-choo!"

Before he was able to finish his sentence, Deidara sneezed, creating more smoke and turning him back into a kitten. But by then, I already knew what he was going to say next.

"It's how most people get around in our world," I explained to him. "I'm pretty sure you see so many of them on our streets, but I prefer not to drive. That's why we always walk and take buses, another form of transportation, to get around. It's quite fortunate that we live in a neighborhood where we can easily purchase our basic necessities without needing to drive."

Once I finished, he whimpered again, pointing towards the bottle with his tail before erupting into another sneezing fit. When he had finally stopped, I sprayed him with it again.

"I see," he whispered as soon as he had been turned back into a human. "But why are you so afraid to drive your car? If that's an easy, effortless way of travel, I don't see why...ah-choo!"

"It's a really complicated story," I informed him. "I...I don't exactly wish to go into much detail about it, but sometimes, those cars can get into serious accidents that can seriously injure people or even kill them. I don't want to injure anybody like that, so I usually refrain from driving cars, even though I'm the right age."

Akane flew around Firework, pecking lightly at his head to see if he was still awake. He lightly swatted at the bird, but I could tell that he was totally exhausted, based on his arm movements. Suddenly, I heard footsteps coming back down the stairs, notifying me that Tobi had come back.

"Kaiya-chan!" squealed Tobi, running down the steps with a cup of water in his hand. "Tobi brought some water and the Akatsuki! Also, Tobi woke up Kaiya-chan's siblings!"

At that last sentence, I mentally facepalmed. Good grief, Tobi...what is it with you and waking up all of my siblings whenever I tell you just to get one person or two?

Naoki entered the basement next, rubbing his eyes sleepily. "That obnoxious little brat," he growled, pointing an accusing finger at Tobi, "absolutely just had to jump on me when I was dreaming something related to Star Wars for once. Seriously, can't I just steal stuff with Han Solo in peace?"

"Weren't TIE fighters chasing you at all in your dream?" I asked curiously. "I don't believe that there is such a thing as peace when it comes to Star Wars."

Tobi cowered in fear of my younger brother. "Tobi is sorry, Naoki-san! Tobi wanted to help Deidara-senpai!"

"Don't worry," said Kagami, rushing down the stairs to reassure Tobi. "You did well, Tobi-chan! Just don't jump on us to wake us up, okay?"

"You're one to speak, imouto," retorted Yukio, who came down the stairs next, followed by the members of the Akatsuki. "Isn't that how you sometimes wake us up?"

I sighed. "You know, at this point, I don't know who is rubbing off of whose antics. But anyway, can you guys watch over Deidara for me? I've got to drive to the pharmacy to get some medication for him."

Naoki's eyes widened after hearing my last comment. "You're going to take the car, onee-chan?"

I nodded in confirmation. "Yeah, the pharmacy is slightly far, so I'm going to have to take it, as much as I don't want to. The faster I can get the medicine, the faster Deidara can return to normal and come back to high school to find more scintillating orb fragments."

"But onee-chan," protested Yukio, "you haven't driven that thing for nearly six months! Do you still remember how to drive a car?"

"Most likely," I replied. "I still read the manual every now and then, otouto. Just because I'm afraid of driving cars doesn't mean I can't read about them."

I felt a small tug on my left arm, and I turned to see Kagami standing there, a worried look on her face.

"Be careful, onee-chan," she told me, her eyes pleading. "Don't get hurt."

I looked at her sweetly, sending her a soft smile. "I won't, imouto. It's a promise. But for now, you and the others take care of Deidara, alright?"

Kagami nodded, saluting to me. "You have our word, onee-chan!"

I ran back up the stairs, gulping nervously at the mere thought of placing my foot on a gas pedal again. But nevertheless, as soon as I zoomed into my garage, I immediately snatched my keys and got inside the old car. I didn't even remember what brand it was until I saw the Lexus logo on it.

Opening the garage, I gripped the steering wheel, and turned on the car by placing the keys into the slot.

I can do this, I thought, setting the car into reverse. Pretend that this is another one of those easy arcade games.

And with that, I slowly set out on my way to get fever medicine from the pharmacy...if I ever got there.


Naoki's POV

Grabbing my sister's perfume bottle, I lightly sprayed Firework with it, filling the basement with more smoke and turning him back into a cat.

Yukio held the cup of water to Deidara. "Drink up. It's not cold water, but it'll make you—"

"Wait!" shouted Kisame, snatching the water cup away. "Don't drink this, Deidara!"

"Why not, Kisame-san?" asked Kagami shocking him a curious glance. "Is that not water or something? Is it not clean?"

He nodded, then glared at Tobi. "Tobi told me that he needed water, but he didn't tell me what it was for. So I just filled that cup with water from my jutsu, assuming that he was trying to wake somebody up or something. I didn't know that he was going to give it to Deidara. Heck, I didn't even know that Deidara was sick."

Deidara glowered at Tobi threateningly. "You idiot...are you trying to kill me or make me suffer even more?"

"No, senpai!" Tobi exclaimed, flailing his arms around. "Tobi would never try to kill Deidara-senpai!"

"Then don't try to shove that water down my throat, un!" he roared, then calmed down slightly. "I just wish that I didn't have to...ah-choo!"

"Be sick?" I finished as he sneezed and turned back into a kitten. "Yeah, neither do I. It looks like we're all going to have to stay home from yet another day of high school in order to watch him."

Kisame sighed sadly. "It's such a shame, too. We were going to set up another date with Kaiya and Daichi as well."

Akane, the clay phoenix that Deidara and Kaiya had made the day before, continued poking curiously at her creator. She gave Deidara a sad look, cooing softly.

"I guess Akane wanted to play with her master today," I remarked. "Poor thing."

I stroked the phoenix lightly with my finger, trying to console her. Unfortunately, Hidan decided to throw in his opinion right at that moment.

"Who cares what happens to that b******?" he grinned. "I honestly don't."

After hearing that, Akane twitched, then glared at Hidan. Suddenly, she flew at him, pecking at his head over and over.

"Ow!" Hidan exclaimed, glaring right back at the bird. "Get away from me, you little s***!"

"Ba-caw!" screeched Akane, continuing to peck at Hidan's head angrily. "Ba-caw! Ba-caw!"

"What the f*** is wrong with this stupid bird?" growled Hidan, swatting at the clay phoenix. Ignoring the swats, Akane continued to zoom around the silver-haired man's head, slashing at him with her feet.

"Maybe it doesn't like that you bad-mouthed her creator," I remarked in a matter-of-fact tone. "I mean, what do you think would happen if you try to bully someone? Karma gets you, or if they're even faster, one of the victim's companions such as Akane."

Kisame nodded. "Perhaps that's just Akane's way of calling you a baka. Ba-caw and baka do sound quite similar, and it does define exactly who you are."

"I agree," said Yukio, watching Hidan's face turned red with a smug grin. "How would you like it if you were sick and Kakuzu did that to you?"

Hidan scoffed. "Been there, done that. That old b****** tried to use his d*** Earth Grudge Fear on me while I was sleeping, and I woke up with so many f****** amputated parts, that geezer."

"Hidan-san!" begged Kagami, tugging on the Jashinist's arm and pointing behind him. "Don't bad-mouth your partner right now, especially since we have to take care of Deidara-san. Especially since Kakuzu-san is right behind y— Eek! S-s-scary!"

My little sister turned tail and ran towards the opposite corner of the basement, hiding behind piles of unused boxes. Tobi followed her, hoping to comfort Kagami.

"You b******," growled Kakuzu, his green eyes filled with rage towards his oh-so-favorite partner. "I'll tear your body to shreds and rip out your vitals!"

Hidan's eyes went wide, and as quickly as a cricket, he sped up the stairs, with Kakuzu close behind him, flames in his eyes. Eventually, both of them disappeared into the living room as the door swung shut, and approximately eleven seconds later, I heard loud crashing noises, followed by the sound of something being cut. Then, a very angry shout.

"F****** b******! Give me back my d*** head!"

I sweatdropped nervously, as more cutting and slicing sounds were heard, mixed in with a messy symphony of random crashes. Yukio simply shrugged, having grown used to seeing Hidan get "utterly decimated".

"He was in for that," he sighed, looking towards the door. "That idiot. When will he ever learn to be polite to others, for once?"

Akane nodded, narrowing her eyes at the flight of stairs that Hidan and Kakuzu had gone up. "Ba-caw, Ba-caw," she chirped in agreement.

"Look what we found!" exclaimed Kagami, having recovered from fright and was now walking back towards us. Tobi came over behind her, clutching what seemed to be an old orange radio. "I think it's one of those radios that play today's music channels!"

"Music?" asked Kisame, eying the radio. "What kind of music, exactly?"

"It all depends on the channel," Yukio explained. "Some of them play rock and roll music, some play classical, and others play pop and dance. Just be careful of the really weird radio stations out there that always erupt into static and never stop making that annoying noise."

He leaned down and pressed the button on the radio to turn it on. A static sound came from the radio at first, but a few seconds later, it played the channel clearly, without any more static noises. However, the channel was currently playing something that I wished to forget, but now, I didn't have any choice but to cringe.

No ifs or ands, just cleaner butts, the radio played. Charmin Ultra Strong. Oh yeah!

"Wait, what?" said Kisame, staring at the radio with wide eyes. "What kind of song is this?" Yukio's and my eyes widened as well, and we slowly backed away from the radio that was playing that song yet again.

"You have got to be kidding me," I choked out. "This commercial still plays on the radio? It's almost a year old by now, and it still sounds super ridiculous!"

Kagami looked at the radio curiously. "I haven't heard this commercial before, Naoki-nii-chan. What is this one about?"

"Quick!" ordered Yukio, his teeth chattering nervously. "Kagami-chan! Cover your ears right now! You don't want to hear this commercial!"

My hiney's so Charmin shiny! My hiney's so Charmin shiny!

"Too late," muttered Sasori emotionlessly, but every now and then, I noticed him twitch. Itachi, Pein, and Konan just sighed, and Zetsu hid underground, his light half blushing in embarrassment. Kisame continued backing away from the machine, a tint of pink on his cheeks as well. Tobi and Kagami were happily dancing along to the beat, much to the annoyance of Firework, who was also visibly twitching and backing away from the radio with the help of Akane.

"Argh!" I groaned, slamming my hand down on the off button. "No more! No more! My ears! My innocent, innocent ears!"

"Maybe the radio wasn't the best idea," said Kisame, pointing towards a violently twitching Firework. However, the only good thing was—

"I think the music stopped Deidara-san from sneezing!" Kagami pointed out. "Maybe we should play it again—"

"No!" the vast majority of the room screamed in unison. "Hell to the N-O! Don't even mention anything about the song again!"

Suddenly, the door to the basement opened, and we all instinctively turned to see if was Kaiya. Unfortunately, it wasn't: just a battered and bruised Hidan, along with a still angry Kakuzu.

"What the hell did we miss?" asked Kakuzu, wrapping his tendrils around Hidan and throwing him off the stairs. "This brat was quite a handful."

"Shut the f*** up," Hidan retorted.

"Well," began Kisame, "while you two were beating each other to hell up there, we were sitting down here and listening to—"

"Don't say it!" I quickly interrupted, placing a hand over his mouth with wide eyes. "It'll only make my nightmares worse, and that's saying a lot!"

Kagami gazed at me with innocent, wide eyes. "Why not, Naoki-nii-chan? The song and lyrics are super catchy! But still, can somebody please tell me what in the world is a hiney? It sounds like a very weird word."

Hidan opened his mouth to speak, but Yukio immediately silenced him by kicking him where it hurts.

"Don't you dare tell her what it is," he growled threateningly at the poor Jashinist, who was screaming for what seemed to be his...mommy? Daddy? Honestly, I didn't even know at that point...

Akane pecked at Hidan's head again, remembering that she was still angry at him for cursing at Deidara. "Ba-caw!"

Sighing, I restrained the clay phoenix by grabbing her with my hand. "That's enough for one day, Akane. Let's just wait until onee-chan gets back with the medication for Deidara. Hopefully, she didn't have a problem taking the car.

I shivered, thinking back to the terrible car accident that had killed our parents and how badly it had traumatized her. Every time one of us would say the c-word, she would scream. If we even brought up anything about driving, she would scream as well.

Speaking of Kaiya, we heard another knock on the basement door. However, before anybody could get it, my older sister opened it by herself.

"I'm back," announced Kaiya, who still seemed to be shaking from being in a car. She held up a small pill bottle and a cup of what I assumed to be fresh water from the refrigerator and not a jutsu. "I brought back some medicine from Deidara, but we're going to have to be careful with this."

Kagami tilted her head to the side curiously. "Why do we need to be careful, onee-chan?"

"These pills are only intended for human consumption," she explained, a solemn expression drawn on her face. "If anything other than people take them, then they may prove to be lethal and deadly. Basically, if Deidara takes these pills while in his cat form, he has a high chance of dying."

"Oh dear," said Yukio. "That's going to be tough, onee-chan. Deidara sneezes and coughs...like what? Around once every four or five seconds? I don't think he'll be able to maintain his human form for that long."

"Well," muttered Kaiya, "we'll have to give it a try." and with that, she ran over to Firework, grabbed her plastic perfume bottle, and sprayed him with it, resulting in the appearance of a cloud of white smoke.

She fanned away the clouds, then proceeded to open the bottle and pour out what she assumed to be the right dose of pills. Akane flew onto her shoulder, nervously cooing.

"Swallow these," she ordered Deidara, handing the pills to him. "They'll help you get better, but don't take them when you're a kitten, okay? It can kill you."

"Alright," he sighed, about to take the pills. "I'll try not to...ah-choo!"

Deidara sneezed, transforming back into a kitten and dropping the pills. Quickly, Kaiya caught them and sent a sorrowful look towards him, then turned around to address everybody.

"This isn't going to work if he keeps on sneezing," she informed us. "Is there any way we can get him to stop sneezing, even for just a moment?"

Suddenly, Kagami seemed to get an idea, her eyes lighting up. She leaned over and whispered something into Tobi's ear, and once she finished, the masked man bounced up and down, signifying that the idea was definitely a bad one.

"Onee-chan!" she said, pointing to my sister. "Spray Deidara-san one more time with the perfume!"

She blinked at Kagami confusedly, but nodded and squeezed the nozzle, turning Deidara back into a human. Once the smoke cleared to reveal Deidara in his human form, Kagami grinned, then signaled to Tobi.

"You can start, Tobi-chan," she said in an innocent singsong voice.

This better not be what I think it is, my mind growled. Otherwise, I swear that I'm going to be forever haunted by that—

"Ultra Strong gives me the cleaner-than-average hiney!" sang Tobi suddenly, and Kagami immediately joined in on the next line. "It's super shiny!"

But bless my luck, of course it's that commercial.

"Stop it!" I screamed at my imouto and the masked man, but they completely ignored me. They only continued dancing and singing, and luckily were not twerking instead. As they began the next verse, everybody put their hands to their ears except for Kaiya, Konan, Pein, and Deidara, the latter just twitching too violently to move any other part of his body.

"My hiney's so Charmin shiny!" they chanted, waving their hands in the air wildly. "My hiney's so Charmin shiny!"

"Holy Jashin!" screamed Hidan, his fingers in his ears. "My f****** ears! Quit singing this song already, d*** it!"

Yukio was screaming for the Marines to come and save him, but Kaiya seemed quite calm about the whole thing, as if she were used to the song. Noticing how badly Deidara was twitching and no longer sneezing, she fed him the pills quickly, then allowed him to drink some water.

Finally, the duo stopped singing the nightmarish commercial song, and I breathed a huge sigh of relief that it was all over. Almost everybody else did the same when the duo finished the song and took a bow.

"Well, I guess that was one way to get him to take the medicine safely," I choked out nervously. "Although never do I ever do I want to hear that awful song again."

Yukio nodded. "Tell me about it, nii-chan."

"Well, at least I'll finally be able to stop...ah-choo!" sneezed Deidara, poofing back into a cat.

Kaiya sweatdropped nervously. "It takes a while for the medicine to take effect, Deidara. For now, just rest, and you'll have more time to make some more art later, if you have any clay left.

Firework growled at her, but did nothing, and just laid flat on the blanket. Every now and then, he coughed, but it wasn't as much as he originally had.

"Well," said Kaiya. "Now that we have that taken care of, let's just sit back and listen to some music on this radio."

"Alright," I stuttered. "Just watch what station you listen to, okay?"

Kaiya giggled, tuning the channel. "Stop worrying so much, otouto. I'm just turning it to my favorite station. It's not like you'll hear anything that bad on it, right?"

Static sounds came from the radio again, but five seconds later, it played a song clearly. Familiar music blared from it at full volume.

My hiney's so Charmin shiny! My hiney's so Charmin shiny!

"Nooooo!"


A/N: I heard that Charmin Ultra Strong thing come up on the radio, and somehow, it weaved its way into this chapter. It was just too cringy and hilarious!

Next chapter will focus on Tobi and Kagami again, as requested by one of my guest reviewers.

Question: Most annoying/cringy commercial you've ever heard?

Until next time!

—Tenshi —