A/N: I hope all my American readers had a safe and fun Fourth of July, and that everyone had a happy day regardless. Enjoy the chapter!
Confessions and Consequences
Chapter 4. "Miss. Movin' On"
As I read through column after column of job description, I briefly envisioned myself in each role. I saw myself balanced on my tiptoes, struggling to reach the top shelf in a grocery store. Just when I thought the glass jar of marinara sauce was properly placed and turned around to start on the box of Alfredo, a deafening crash sounded as the entire shelf fell backwards into the next aisle, and then the next aisle, and then the next until they were all flattened. Across the field of broken packages and shattered glass, my boss roared, "You're fired!" I blinked and I was back on the couch with my nails digging into the armrest. I picked up the newspaper and ran a thick red line through the shelf stocker opening.
I looked at the one beneath it – an opening for a teaching assistant at a public middle school. I could already feel the inevitable migraine from hoards of screaming twelve year olds. I put another thick line through that one. I flipped over the paper and realized that was the end of the job listings. I flipped back and found the entire page was crossed out in red. I was either unqualified or unwilling to do any of these jobs. I crumpled the paper between my hands until it was just a small ball and chucked it across the room into the kitchen garbage.
Sharpay looked up from her place hunched over her laptop at the dining table and asked, "No luck?"
"Nope," I sulked.
"You just have to find what you're passionate about."
I challenged her, "Then tell me you're passionate about car insurance."
She rolled her eyes. "I'm passionate about keeping a roof over my head. Insurance is just a stepping stone, a transition, if you will. I know I'll get back into fashion someday."
"Well at least you have something to strive towards. I have no idea what I want to do."
"You'll discover it someday."
"Not soon enough." I stood from the couch and approached the end of the table across from Sharpay. "Shar – I can't believe I'm saying this – I might have some issues with coming up with the money for rent this month."
She capped her pen and shook her head. "Don't worry about it. I got it covered."
"I promise I'll pay you back. I just need some time to come up with the money."
"Take your time. I know things haven't been in your favor lately. Just focus on getting back on your feet and then we'll see about repayment."
"Thank you for understanding."
"Of course."
I started heading back into my room, yelling across the apartment, "I'll see you later tonight."
"Where are you going?" She yelled back, "I thought the book club wasn't until later!"
"I have to run an errand." I grabbed my hand-knitted scarf from the hook on the back of the door and wrapped it around my neck. Then, I knelt onto the floor and checked underneath my bed for my pair of winter boots.
I heard the pitter patter of Sharpay's feet running across the apartment until she appeared in my doorway. "An errand, huh?"
"I have to drop a letter off at the post office."
"A letter? The post office? I don't think so. This isn't nineteen seventy-two. What are you really up to?"
I stood and removed the folded letter that I wrote last night from my coat pocket and held it up in the air. "It's for Troy. It says I didn't really love him."
"Are you taking it directly to him?"
"I'm going to try to."
"Gab-"
"This is too personal for a text, and it's not something I want to risk getting lost in the post office. I'll ask him to open it after I leave. That's all I'm doing."
Sharpay nodded, "Fine."
"Wait, did you just say fine? You're not going to talk me out of it? You don't want to hit me over the head with something?"
She smiled. "I think you actually thought this one through. You're doing the right thing. I'm impressed."
"Thanks."
"Just don't say anything more than 'read it when I'm gone'. Keep your instructions short, simple, and easy to follow. Whatever you do, do not go off script." She murmured underneath her breath, "God knows what happens when you blabber."
"There she is."
…
I meandered through the snow-coated city all the way to Troy's place. I trotted up the steps and knocked on the door. When no one answered, I knocked harder. I heard footsteps approaching the door on the other side and I instinctively backed up, quickly considering abandoning the letter on the step and sprinting away. Before I could make a decision, the door opened.
"Oh, hi Gabriella."
"Hello Mrs. Thomas." I breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of Troy's neighbor, Geraldine Thomas, who rented the lower level. "Troy isn't here, is he?"
"I think I heard him leave, but you could double check."
"Thank you." I entered the foyer and climbed the stairs. I knocked on his door, but no one answered. I kneeled onto the floor and carefully slid the letter beneath the door. As I descended the stairs and began heading to the bookstore, I prayed that the letter alone would be enough to convince him of the lie and that he wouldn't question it any further.
…
The atrium connected the west side of the building to the store next door, and looked less like an atrium and more like a dingy alley with dead plants. I greeted everyone as they entered, introducing myself as the new leader and directing the newcomers towards the table of food. Just before I had to leave my post to begin the discussion, Shane entered. "Hey," he said. "I hope I'm not late."
I smiled. "Just in time."
The book club members took their seats in the circle of chairs. I stood and began, "I'd like to start this discussion with a question regarding Austen's theme of social class and hierarchy. Would anyone like to begin the-" a hand next to me shot up. "Shane?"
"I found Austen to be highly critical of the importance social classes hold in their society, as we can see in Mrs. Bennet's scramble to fit her daughters with men of higher classes. I find that particular message in this novel is still relevant today. People will always be terrified of lowering their social status. It's a well-picked theme that helps this story stand the test of time." Ever since that answer, Shane continued to impress me more and more with each piece of his commentary until the very end. While everyone else gathered their things and began heading out the doors, Shane asked me, "Hey, do you want to grab a bite to eat or something?"
"Now's not a good time for me."
"When would be a good time?"
"That's not what I meant. I mean it's just not a good time with what's going on in my life at the moment. I hope you understand."
"You can't eat dinner?" When I opened my mouth to respond, he said, "I'm only teasing! Look, I get it. You're not looking to date. That's fine. I just thought maybe you'd want to make a friend. Getting dinner doesn't always mean a date."
"I'm not hungry."
"Coffee? Arcade? Bar? Club?"
"I really hope you don't intend to suggest everything."
"Until you feel too bad for me and oblige, even it's just out of pity."
"Fine, but I at least want to get a smoothie out of this."
He shrugged, "That's fair."
We walked a few blocks down to the local juice store and bought two pungent green smoothies. Shane held his drink up in front of his face, inspecting the substance. "You mean you actually like this stuff?"
"Oh, not at all, but I like feeling proud of how I nurture my body more than I dislike the taste."
"That's actually quite inspiring. Who knew I'd be motivated by a quote about a green smoothie?"
"You should hear what I have to say about carrots."
He smiled and took a big slurp of the drink, scrunching his face in disgust. "Alright, if you're going to torture me with this, I get to torture you back. What did your ex do to you to make you afraid of dating?"
I laughed. "He's not exactly my ex. I told my best friend that I loved him and it cost me the friendship. I haven't fallen out of love with him."
"You told him you loved him? Wow, that's very-"
"Stupid?"
"I was going to say brave."
"It was stupid because now we're not talking."
He nodded. "If it's worth anything at all, from a man's perspective, he's probably afraid to lead you on anymore than he already has."
"I don't think I was led on. I knew going into it that he probably wouldn't feel the same way and that we wouldn't ever actually date."
"Then why did you tell him?"
"The point-zero-zero-zero-one percent chance that he did."
"A gambler, are we?"
"I suppose, but I paid for it big time."
"Don't beat yourself up too much over it. If it's meant to be, he'll come back around."
"I might not have to wait for him to come back around. My roommate Sharpay thought of a great way to move past it. I wrote a letter to him saying that I was mistaken when I said I loved him. That I only truly loved the idea of him."
"And then you burned it, right?"
"No, I slid it under his door."
"Why would you do that? Now you're lying to him."
"I'm fine with lying to him if it means we can be friends again."
"Isn't that very deceiving? You're kind of coercing him to be your friend again."
"Well what the hell else am I supposed to do? Let him go?"
"Yes. Exactly that. You're supposed to let go of him."
I dropped my head onto the bar in front of us and murmured into its surface, "It's not that simple."
"Sure it is! You stop texting him, stop calling him, stop writing him letters, and move on with your life."
My phone buzzed and I whipped it out, expecting to see Troy's name, but only finding Sharpay's.
Shane asked, "Is it him?"
"No, it's Sharpay saying something about the clogged shower drain. I wonder why he hasn't called me yet. He should have come home by now and found the letter." I heard how naïve I sounded and asked, "He isn't going to call me, is he?"
"Probably not."
"Great." I crossed my arms over my chest and finally realized that now this isn't my fault. I wasn't the one ignoring the other. I wasn't the one running away anymore. Then, I felt something else. For the first time since Troy and I talked, I somehow felt at peace with my decision to tell him. I had spent the past month cursing myself for what I did, but now it was like that guilt had finally loosened its hold on me. Even if I didn't get the answer I wanted, at least I finally knew. Knowing was better than always speculating, questioning whether a prolonged glance meant anything at all and evaluating his every word for hidden signs. I was freed from overthinking and freed from my secret.
"Are you okay?" Shane asked. "You look irritated."
"I'm not irritated. I'm just thinking. I think you're right."
"Of course I am." He winked.
"I have to let him go. Like Sharpay said, his loss."
"Damn straight. You deserve someone who can reciprocate your love, or at least doesn't punish you for being honest."
I raised an eyebrow. "Someone like you, huh? Is that where this is going?"
"Well I wouldn't say it nearly as bluntly as that, but I know I wouldn't have acted the way he is. I'm not afraid of tough conversations. I wouldn't throw you away like that."
"I don't even know you, Shane. You seem like a great guy, but-"
"I'm not trying to convince you to trust me, I'm trying to convince you to let me show you that you can."
A/N: Thank you so much for reading! Do you think Gabriella will or should get to know Shane better? Do you sense any chemistry or potential between the two of them? I'd love to know what you think!
