Okay, this is not an actual chapter, it's more like an outtake or maybe a look into Christian's mind...
Christian's own personal hell
"Christian darling, you have to get over her and call your family. They all worry about you"
Bla bla bla, I tune Elena out. These days she sounds like a broken record, nagging me with the same things over and over again.
"Christian! For all that's holy, at least see Flynn again or get a new sub" she snaps and I had enough.
"Goodbye, Elena" I hang up the phone and refill my tumbler with whisky for the 7th time this evening. Flynn isn't going to solve my dilemma and neither is a new sub. Not that I could have a new sub, not here anyway. My playroom, the room that I once called my sanctuary, I couldn't bear to be inside that room the way it was. Not since her.
It's ironic, I thought of myself as master of the universe. Christian Grey would never lose. And while that might be true, I am also a gigantic failure. 50 shades of fucked up... well by now it's 51 shades of fucked up. And here I am pathetically trying to get drunk again just to avoid doing the one thing I know it will all boil down to. It always does these days. So, instead of dragging it out I get up and leave my study making my way up the stairs and unlock the door to what once was my playroom.
"Hello baby" I murmur staring at the woman I once called mine who is looking at me from all corners of the room in beautiful pictures. Pictures that ruined what ever chance I had to win her back. Otherwise the room is empty except for my piano which has found its new home inside here. The only place in the world where I can look at her. I sit down and start to play a piece called Suffocation by Chopin, but I never take my eyes of her beautiful face.
This is my punishment, this is what I deserve. So close and yet so far away, all alone in my ivory tower in the sky. Jose fucking Rodriguez, I should have killed him that night he tried to kiss her while she was drunk. Maybe then things would be different and she would still be mine.
After she left I realized that I needed her in my life. I tried to stay away, five fucking days, five agonizing days and then I decided I had to win her back. Selfishly taking away her chance of a happy life with a normal guy. So, I went to the gallery opening and found myself looking at all those pictures of her. At first I didn't know what to make of it and then I heard the photographer tell everyone that she is his girlfriend, his muse. I nearly killed him then and there, she was mine, not his. But Taylor held me back, even when that fucker denied me to buy the pictures of her.
I left the place not knowing what to make out of it, but looking at the pictures, the ones of her in bed. They looked to intimate not to believe him. Yet Taylor insisted that I had to talk to her, that there were many possible reasons why he had those pictures of her, even that he took them without her knowing it. All I knew was that I needed those pictures, if I couldn't have her then at least those pictures would be mine.
I had to hire someone to buy them for me, but he got the job done without any problems which was good. I had someone watching her, but she was not seen with Rodriguez, so I started to think maybe Taylor was right, maybe he lied and there was a simple explanation for those pictures.
And then I was informed that a man came to her apartment and stayed the night. I was livid. She promised me she would never leave me, she told me she loved me and only a week after leaving me she had a man stay at her apartment... that was more than I could take. Still, Taylor was on her side and finally I agreed to go and talk to her... only to find her in Rodriguez arms kissing him. Her fingers in his hair the way she would do it while kissing me and clearly enjoying herself.
That was more proof than I needed. She had moved on and in my rage I convinced myself that it was the money that attracted her to me. What else could it possibly have been? Each passing day my anger and hatred grew to the point that I wanted to hurt her, hurt her in every way I could.
Then Katherine's birthday party came and I knew I had to see her, most likely with her new boytoy. So, I came up with the pathetic plan to show her that I had moved on too. Nina was a former sub of mine and an actress. I hired her, knowing that it would at least hurt her a tiny bit that I would allow some other woman to touch me when she couldn't.
And in my own idiotic stupor I thought she was playing the part of the heart-broken ex to look good in front of my family and her friend. At this point nothing could have convinced me otherwise. Still when I got the call from Roach while I was in New York that she was in the hospital because fucking Hyde tried to rape her I left my meeting immediately wanting to make sure that she was fine, I was willing to let go of my hatred for just short while and what did I have to see?
Gideon fucking Cross entering her room with flowers. She had been in New York for two fucking days and had already managed to find herself a new suitor and it only fueled my anger. At this point I wanted to see her suffer, the monster in me had taken over and it wanted to get her where it would hurt her the most. I knew all to well about her love of books and that she needed the job. So, I decided to take the job she had always dreamed of away from her.
Roach begged me to keep her, afraid she would sue SIP for wrongful termination, but I didn't give a fuck. My company, my rules. I even positioned myself in the lobby so I could see her leave the building devastated, but of course as always my girl surprised me by slapping the crap out of me. Never in a million years did I see that coming and while I went back to Escala planning my next step in making her life a living hell she left town and moved to New York.
Since by that time I no longer had someone following her I had no idea until Elliot told me that she left town three weeks later. Fucker wouldn't even tell me where she went and then the news article started showing her with Cross. I was tempted to go to New York to let him know what kind of person she truly is, but I was working on a very important deal, so I couldn't leave Seattle and instead I made plans for my biggest revenge on my brother's wedding. I knew she was going to be there, so I decided to wait.
It was a shock to see her in Georgia, but more so it hurt. Seeing how Cross was now a part of her family when this should have been me. And then her note. I wanted to grab her and beat the shit out of her, but I couldn't; not in a public place. So I left. In hindsight I have to admit that I admire her courage for sending me that message, but that's my girl, always unexpected, always feisty.
And then it all came crushing down. A week before my brother's wedding I got a call from the guy I had hired to buy the pictures for me. He informed me that the police was asking questions about the pictures, because Rodriguez got arrested and was admitted to a mental institution. I had Taylor look into it and then it all became clear. She never was his girlfriend, never betrayed me... that fucker was stalking her, took the pictures without her knowledge and followed her to New York where he continued to stalk her...
I got it all wrong and there was no coming back from it. No apology in the world can change what I did to her. I am a monster and not worthy of her. And of course she had moved on with Cross and though I hate that she has moved on I know it is for the best. He can keep her safe, can lay the world at her feet and make her happy.
It was that day when I found out that I realized how powerful the monster inside of me really is and it had me thinking. If I could do this to her, who else could the monster hurt and drive away in the future... and I knew it, I knew I had to let my family go, protect them from the monster, so I cut all ties. They might not see it now, but I am a monster, not worthy of her and not worthy of a family, so I have to stay away, have to keep them away and continue to spend my life in my own personal hell...
The new chapter will be up tomorrow ...
