It's 7 am and I am up since four in the morning. I just couldn't sleep. I came home around midnight and went straight to bed, but no matter what I tried, I just kept turning from one side to the other, sleeping for a couple of minutes and waking up again. And I know exactly why I couldn't sleep, I was and still am afraid that I might have been to harsh with Christian.
He is just out of rehab and while I couldn't see him at the club, I know he was still there watching me. What if he was so upset about my behavior that he started to drink again? I would never forgive myself if that's the case. Even as mad as I am at him, I still care about him. I want him to be better and not go back to drinking.
To clear my thoughts I change into some sweatpants and a hoodie, put my running shoes on and make my way to Central Park for a run. I take my usual route and just when I have turned around to run back home I see someone running a couple of feet in front of me and I am pretty sure I know who it is, though this time I don't think that he followed me.
I run a little faster until I have almost reached him and call out for him, but I guess he is listening to music, because he is not reacting, so I run until I am next to him and touch his arm. He stops startled, but smiles when he sees me and remove earphones.
"So, are you stalking me now, Miss Steele?" he asks still smiling and I can't help, but smile, too.
"No, I was just on my morning run when I saw you. I leave the stalking to you, so just out of curiosity, when did you leave the club yesterday?"
"I was just making sure that you would make it home safely."
"And alone, I assume"
"You can't expect me to like the fact that you are friends with a man you know intimately. I might not have the right to do something about it, but that doesn't mean that I am okay with it, Anastasia."
"You don't have to, I guess that would be too much to ask for and completely against your nature, but I assume you have had a sub or two, since I walked out on you."
I try to sound cool, but actually, I hate to think about it. "There is a coffee shop nearby, if you want to talk about it." he says and I nod. We walk in silence to the coffee shop and he holds the door open for me.
"English breakfast tea, bag out?" he asks.
"Actually, I'd like a white chocolate mocha and a banana muffin."
"What ever happened to you drinking tea?"
"I still drink tea, but since I've moved here I've learned to appreciate coffee."
"I see, why don't you get us a table and I get the coffee." he asks and I nod.
Looking around the coffee shop, I find a table in the corner, sit down and wait for Christian. He returns five minutes later and places my mocha and muffin along with his coffee and a chocolate muffin on the table.
"Thanks" I murmur and take a sip of my coffee.
"Your welcome, Anastasia. So, to answer your question, I didn't have a new sub. However before I found out the truth, I would visit a club from time to time. The scenes didn't include intercourse though. I needed to be in control and this was the only way I knew how to feel in control."
"Have you found another way now?"
"Not so far, it is rather unnerving to be honest. Running and workout helps, but only to some extend. Drinking helped as an escape, much like it did before I entered the lifestyle. Though I know now, that it was a mistake, it took what little control I had left from me, Dr. Flynn and I are still trying to find a way for me to feel in control without the lifestyle."
"You could always start to participate in the lifestyle again." I murmur.
"No, I can't." he says simply and I frown.
"Why?"
"You know why, Anastasia. I want you back, I meant what I wrote to you in that letter. And if the lifestyle is not for you, I can't be in it either. It is very simple, Anastasia. I take you anyway I can get you, we've clearly established that my lifestyle doesn't work for us, so I have to find a different way."
I let his words sink in and while I believe what he is saying, I just can't see us starting over like nothing happened.
"Christian, I believe what you are saying, but the problem is I am not the girl I was almost three years ago. So much has changed since then, I have changed and even if we somehow manage to work through all the shit that has happened between us, there is still the fact that we really barely know each other."
"You know me better than most people, Anastasia." he counters and I shake my head.
"You think that I do because usually you don't let anyone in, but believe me in the grand picture of things we are still strangers. Maybe we need to change that first, I don't want to lead you on, Christian. I still care about you, but I have to be honest and the truth is right now or any time soon I can't picture us as a couple."
"I'm not going to give up on you, Ana. I don't care what I have to do or how long it is going to take me, but as long as you don't tell me that there is no chance in hell for us I am not giving up. And even if you did I would still try to change your mind." he says and for some reason that makes me smile.
"Okay, but I think we need to set some ground rules."
"Rules?" he smirks.
"Yes, rules, Mr. Grey or are you going to tell me that you are no longer a fan of them?"
"Depends, what your rules are."
"First, no more stalking and by stalking I mean not just you following me around, but also that guy who is following me for at least three months now. If you want to know where I am or what I am doing, just call me or if you are in town stop by at my place. I won't shut the door in your face or ignore your calls. But I hate it when someone is following me and your guy is pretty obvious, dressed like one of the Men in Black and driving three cars behind me in a freaking black Audi."
"I needed to know that you are safe." he says matter of factly and I roll my eyes at him, which in turn has him glaring at me.
"Christian, I have been taking classes in Krav Maga for over two years now, I have a gun and pepper spray and even though my brother thinks I don't know it, but he has someone following me around, too. So, I think I am pretty safe."
"You have a gun?" he asked shocked.
"Yes, I got the license a couple of months after I moved to New York."
"Do you even know how to handle a gun?"
"No, of course not, I got the license because I showed off my tits" I tell him my voice dripping in sarcasm and he purses his lips.
"You know Anastasia, just because I am no longer participating in the lifestyle doesn't mean that my palms don't twitch when you open that smart mouth of yours." he warns me and I giggle.
"Well, as tempting as a spanking may sound, I guess you have a lot of groveling to do before I allow you to spank me for being a naughty girl." I tease and he sucks in a sharp breath.
"What other rules?" he moves on after a moment.
"Rule number two is actually something you once told me."
"And what would that be?"
"Open communication. We could have avoided this whole mess if you had just talked to me. So, talk to me whether you are pissed or just want to talk, stop by at my place or call me."
"I can do that, what more?"
"There is one more thing, but it is not exactly a rule, more something I would like you to do."
"What is it?"
"When you are back in Seattle and have time I want you to call Elliot and spend some guy time with him."
He frowns. "What has Elliot to do with us?"
"Nothing, but he is your brother and he is pretty hurt. He wouldn't say it out loud, but it was pretty hard on him that you've missed his wedding and not showed much emotion over the fact that he is going to be a father soon."
"Why is this important to you?"
"Because I like Elliot, he is a great guy. Did you even know that he thought of you as his best friend? Besides, you don't have any friends, so give it a try, please?"
"I guess, it won't hurt to spend some time with him. But I have a friend El..."
"Christian, you say that name out loud and I'll leave."
"She is a good friend, Ana." he says and I close my eyes. Calm down, Ana, if you go ape shit on him now it won't do any good.
"Can we just agree on the fact that we have different opinions when it comes to her?" I ask and he nods.
"Good, now I have to go home and change. Are you still coming with me to Safe Haven?"
"Yes, if it is okay with you, Taylor will drive us."
"Actually, that's perfect. My car is still at the service station and the DB-9 has not enough space to bring everything I need.
"I have a four by four, so I guess what ever you need to take with you will fit. I'll pick you up in 45 minutes."
"Perfect, I let the front desk know that you are coming." I get up and he stands, too.
"Laters" I smirk and leave the coffee shop. Well, that went better than expected, let's just hope the rest of the day goes the same way.
At home I shower quickly and change into some jeans, chucks and a tank top. I put the three boxes with paint next to the front door and get into the kitchen preparing everything else that I need for today.
Thirty minutes later the guy from the front desk calls to let me know that Christian is on his way up. I open the door for him and lead him into the open kitchen.
"Great apartment, does Cross own it?"
"He owns the building. He gave the apartment to Ireland and I after she moved in with me."
"I see, so are the boxes by the door all you need to bring with you?"
"No, these bowls, too" I say as I open the fridge and get them out.
"What on earth is that?" he asks.
"Pudding, vanilla, coconut, white chocolate and banana, I've dyed it with food coloring. We are going to paint with it." I explain and he looks appalled.
"You want to paint with food?"
"Look Christian, I know you have issues with food, but the kids you are going to meet today they have been through so much, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, neglect... you name it and they have been through it. So, this is just a little fun and I promise you, they will eat just as much of it as they will use to paint on the canvases or themselves."
"How old are they?" he asks and looks deep in thoughts.
"There are twenty-eight kids at the moment, the oldest is eleven and the youngest has just turned three. Oh and once we get there don't take it personally if some of them are not even looking at you, for most of the kids it takes a while to warm up to strangers."
He is just about to say something when Ireland comes out of her bedroom she sees Christian and her mouth pops open.
"Good morning Ireland."
"I ... umm... " she stutters totally awed by Christian, who looks seriously hot in faded blue jeans and a tight black t-shirt. Damn, those jeans look almost like the ones he used to wear in the playroom...
"Christian Grey, it's nice to meet you, Miss Cross" he says to her and they shake hands.
"Hi, and um... it's Miss Vidal, but you can call me Ireland." she says and walks over to the fridge.
"So, you have the apartment to yourself until tomorrow afternoon, Ireland."
"I know, I have some friends over to study and watch a movie." she says takes a cup of ice cream from the freezer and leaves the kitchen.
"Is she eating ice cream for breakfast?" Christian asks.
"Yup, she can live on Ben & Jerry's." I answer with a shrug and a short while later we are in the back of his car with Taylor driving.
"Why did you decide to do charity, couldn't you find a job in publishing here in New York?"
"I had a job, I worked as a junior editor for Brinkley Publishing, but I quit the job to concentrate on my charity work."
"But why?"
"Well, Gideon insisted that I would take my share of the money my mother's parents left their grandchildren and I just decided to use the money to help others. All the children that have to go through terrible things in their life... I just felt that I needed to help. I might not be able to change the world, but at least I can try to make a difference."
"Does your brother pay you well?"
"I work for free, Christian. I have enough money, I don't need to be paid to do a job that I love. Actually, it's much more than a job to me, it's what I was destined to do. If I see one of the kids I am working with smiling or just having a good time, that's worth more to me than making tons of money."
"And why did you open Safe Haven?"
"Many children who suffered from abuse experienced it in their home. Naturally, they can't stay there once someone finds out what their parents or legal guardians are doing to them, so they go into state care. There are many foster homes with parents who are wonderful and really know how to take care of a child that has been through any kind of abuse, but sadly, there are just not enough of these foster families. So, many children have to live in orphanages or other facilities the state overlooks, and in those places there are sometimes so many kids that the people working there just don't have the time to give as much attention to those children as needed. And that is what happens at Safe Haven. Right now there are ten child psychiatrists living their with the children, there are also two art teachers, two personal trainers and five nannies who are working there. We have cooking classes, the children are allowed to have pets, they can play in the huge backyard and for those kids who aren't ready to enroll in school yet, we have private teachers giving them lessons at Safe Haven."
"And the state pays for everything?"
"No, for most parts the money comes from the Crossroads Foundation and myself, but we also have some other benefactors and I am in contact with the state of New Jersey so we can open a second Safe Haven there. One day I would love to have a place like that in each state."
"Sounds like a really good plan. I don't know how you would feel about it, but I would like to help you. A place like this would be a great help for many children in Seattle. I'm sure my mom would be delighted to help you, too."
"Let's see how the day goes and I'll think about it." Of course, it would be a great help to have him behind my charity projects, but I don't think it is a good idea to make any plans now, when we don't even know where things between us are going. Maybe, he realizes that he doesn't like me the way I am now and then we would be forced to work together on the project even though he doesn't want to see me again.
"Good, so you like New York?"
"Like? I love it, I never thought that I would live in a city like that one day, but it's amazing. I couldn't even imagine living anywhere else in the world."
"Not even London?" he asks and I am surprised he remembered how much I wanted to see England.
"I was there last year, I even went to see the Jane-Austin-House. It was great, but what can I say I am a New York City girl."
"So you finally had the chance to travel?"
"Yes, I went to some great places, besides England Thailand was the most amazing place I've been to so far."
"Really, Thailand? I've never been there, but I've heard they have beautiful beaches."
"Yes, they do. Gideon owns a beach resort there and Ireland and I went to check it out, it was amazing. You should go too, it's the perfect place to relax."
"I do business trips, Anastasia. I don't have time to go on vacations." he says and I roll my eyes.
"Said the guy who died of a heart attack before he turned forty." I mutter and he shrugs.
"When you have a big company like GEH, you just don't have much free time."
"Then you are doing something wrong, Christian. Because a week or two to go on vacation each year should be no problem even for a megalomaniac control freak CEO like you." I say and take my phone from my purse when it signals a new message. I open it and feel tears in my when I see a 3D ultrasound picture and the words "Say hello to your godchild. Miss Ava Marie Grey. Kate xxx"
"Ohhh, look at that, Christian" I gush and hand him my phone.
"Wow, they can do that, make ultrasounds like that, I mean you can really see the baby in great detail" he says as he studies the picture.
"It's a 3D ultrasound, Kate told me she would have one yesterday. Isn't that amazing?"
"I suppose it is. Well, lucky girl looks more like her mom than Elliot." he grins and hands me the phone back.
"Send Elliot a text that you've seen the picture and that you are happy for him" I tell Christian as I answer Kate's text.
"Why?" he asks frowning and I sigh.
"Because it would mean a lot to him. Come on, please?" I give him my best puppy eye look and he sighs, but takes his phone out and sends the text. Only seconds after he has sent the text his phone rings and of course it is Elliot.
I listen to him talk to his brother and I am a little proud of Christian when he asks his brother if they can meet next week to hang out. Maybe there is hope for him yet.
"It seems you were right, Elliot seemed delighted to spend some time with me." he says and I want to laugh, he looks liked this is a whole new concept to him.
"It's because he is your brother and he loves you." I say softly, but he doesn't answer and looks deep in thoughts. Hopefully him meeting Elliot more often is going to help him... and keep him away from Elena. I definitively need to do something about her, he needs to realize what she did to him. To me it is clear that she is the reason why he is so withdrawn and has no friends. Somehow I need to find a way to make him see what she has done to him and that she is still trying to control him. I would love to tell Grace what she did to her son, but I can't. Not because of the stupid NDA, but because I know that Christian would never forgive me for betraying his trust like that and in turn Elena would win even more control over him.
When we arrive at Safe Haven, I watch Christian look around and he seems impressed.
"I didn't expect the place to be so huge" he says.
"Originally, it was a farm, but we knocked the old buildings down and build everything from scratch. Elliot came to New York to make the blue prints and he helped me to find the right construction worker for the job. Do you want to go in or do you want a tour around the property first?"
"I guess the children are already waiting for you, so let's not make them wait any longer." he says and so we get the pudding and boxes with paint from the car and he tells Taylor to pick us up the tomorrow morning.
Well, this should be an interesting day...
