I wanted to write this chapter tomorrow, but again my hubby decided not to wake me from my afternoon nap and now I can't sleep. So what else to do in the middle of the night than to write a new chapter for Broken :-) Oh and this chapter might be surprising to many of you, but it's what I had planned all along...
Ana
"Christ Ana, how much chili do you plan to put in our dinner? If you cut anymore of these little suckers I am probably going to die of spontaneous combustion in my sleep when I rip one." I hear Gideon say, look down at the cutting board and sure enough I have sliced about fifteen really hot chili peppers.
"Urgh! Can you tell my why I am so nervous? It's just dinner." I groan and he smirks.
"Well, let me think about it... oh yes, probably because you are having dinner with your friends and the guy whom you never wanted to see again in your life, because he treated you like dirt, yet now that he is better you are considering to give him a second change and of course you fucked his brains out during a blackout."
I glare at him. "Could you please keep your voice down, I don't want anyone else to know that I had sex with Christian." I look over to where Mia and Ireland are sitting in the living room, but they are absorbed by some TV show.
"What? I am saying it as it is, Ana. I mean sure you could try to convince yourself that you tripped because it was dark and by some random twist of fate you happened to land right on his dick... weirder shit has happened, right?" he says and I start to laugh.
"Look, I am not ashamed that I had sex with him or by the fact that I initiated it. It's just I don't want him to think that we are good, that I just put everything he has done to me behind us."
"Did it seem like that's what he thought was going on?"
"Actually, no. We talked about it and agreed that it happened because we both wanted it to happen, but that it doesn't mean we are a couple. I guess he really knows that with all the shit he has done to me it is not going to be that easy. Still, I feel like I should have had more self control. I literally ripped his clothes off."
"Did he mind that you ripped his clothes off?"
"I guess not, though for most parts he was only screaming 'oh god or holy shit Ana do that again' ... that's a good sign right?"
"Yup, you didn't bring shame to the family" he laughs and I throw the kitchen towel at him.
"Just saying and by the way no guy would complain about an attractive woman making the first step." he says and I frown. Maybe that is right for most men, but Christian is a former Dom, so I guess he was kind of taken by surprise when I took the lead. It was hot though and judging from the stupid grin on his face once I was done with him he enjoyed himself... a lot.
"Do you think he is going to get along with Arnaldo?" Gideon asks and I shrug.
"I don't know, I've texted him that Arnaldo was coming with his flavor of the week, and he texted back that he doesn't mind him being here. Maybe he is just trying to be polite, but I guess we'll have to wait and see how this dinner is going to play out."
Fifteen minutes later my friends Nina, her boyfriend Hugh, Melody and Lucy arrive and a little later Arnaldo and his flavor of the week a Swedish model called Svea. She is only going to stay in New York for two more weeks, so I am pretty sure we won't see her again, but seeing that Christian is coming over it is a good thing that Arnaldo brought a girl with him. At least this way he is going to give her most of his attention and Christian has no reason to get jealous.
"I'll get it" I say when I hear someone knocking and hurry to open the door for Christian.
"Hi" I say with a smile and get onto tip toes to kiss his cheek. I really don't want this evening to be awkward for us.
"Hey, I wasn't sure what your favorite wine is, but I thought a Pinot Grigio is always a good choice."
"Thanks, and this is one of my favorites, come in everyone else is already here."
I introduce him to my friends and he seems to be a little out of his element. Most likely because he is not used to hanging out with a group of people his age. How sad.
"Come on, we get you something to drink." I say and take his hand to lead him into the kitchen.
"Arnaldo made some pitchers of virgin cocktails and I have water, oj, Coke, root beer and iced tea."
"Did you tell him to make virgin cocktails because of me?" he asks and he does not look too happy.
"No, and before you ask I haven't told my friends that you were in rehab. We always have virgin cocktails if we have dinner parties on a week day. Before we all agreed on that we would all end up hungover, so to avoid that we have a no alcohol during week days rule."
"Okay... the green one looks good, I think I'll try that one." he says and so I get a glass fill it with some ice and pour some of the cocktail in his glass.
"Not bad, tastes like he used a bit of cucumber."
"I have no idea, he makes a big secret out of his recipes and even I have to leave the kitchen when he makes them. So, how was your day?"
"Some meetings, nothing special... you?"
"I had a meeting with the head of the CPS from New Jersey and if everything goes as planned we can try to find some benefactors for the Safe Haven in New Jersey soon."
"I would love to help you with it. I'm very impressed with what you do, so if you need a benefactor you can count on me."
"Thank you, Christian. I'll give you a call once everything is finalized."
"Good, I'll go and talk to Mia for a while, so you can finish cooking."
"Okay... wait." he turns back around and I sigh. "Are we good, Christian?" I ask and he chuckles.
"Well, I am still certain that you were trying to kill me during the blackout, but I'd die like that any day, so yes we are good and to answer your question more clearly. I know I have a lot to make up to you, so I am not delusional enough to think that what happened between us is a magic cure for our relationship and I get to call you my girlfriend." he says and I smile.
"You talked to Flynn, right?" I ask and he smiles back. "Maybe" and with that he leaves the kitchen and Melody hurries in.
"You bitch!" she says and I blink.
"Excuse me, Mel?"
"Oh come on, first you get laid by Arnaldo and I now I am convinced that you also had something going with Christian so-fucking-hot Grey. Come on, at least let me have some details." she begs and I roll my eyes.
"Fine, I've met Christian in my senior year of college and we dated for a while, in fact I gave him my v-card."
"You know Anastasia Steele, I hate you right now. Seriously, every time I meet a guy he turns out to be a weirdo and you lost your virginity to Christian Grey and moved on to have a FWB with Arnaldo sex god Richie. That is so not fair. You know what screw my own rules, I need you to set me up on a date." she says and I laugh.
"Okay, I think I know just the guy."
"Is it Grey?" she asks all giddy.
"Nope, but how about Nick." I ask and she gasps.
"Nick, like the super hot dude from your work?"
"Yes, he is single for a year now and he told me about two weeks ago that he is looking for something serious again. I'll ask him tomorrow if he would like to go on a date with you."
"Did I mention that I love you, Ana Steele? Seriously, it's like you know only hot guys."
"I also know a lot of normal guys and even creepy stalkers who are safely tucked away in padded cells, but I guess you'd prefer to go on a date with a hot guy."
"You bet on it. But why is Grey not availa... oh wait, is he the reason you went to Seattle?"
"Yes, we are kind of trying to work things out, but it's difficult. Still, don't even think about it, you wouldn't win a bitch fight against me" I smirk and she laughs.
"Nope, I wouldn't besides, since he arrived his eyes are glued to you, so I wouldn't have any luck with him anyway." she says grabs a can of root beer from the fridge and leaves the kitchen while I am putting the finishing touches to our food.
During dinner Christian visibly relaxes and engages in a conversation over football with the guys, while Mia goes on and on about how thrilled she is to move here and that she hopes to find a studio for her work soon.
That has me thinking what would happen if Christian and I would be able to work things out. I can't see myself moving back to Seattle, my life is here, but at the same time I can't ask him to move to New York. I don't even know if it is possible for him to move his offices to New York. I know Grace would be bumped if two of her children would move so far away from her, so I guess in the end I would be the one to move and sadly I don't like that idea at all. So, I push those thoughts aside and just enjoy the evening until we all move into the living room to watch a movie.
Like every time we want to watch a movie it takes about twenty seconds until everyone starts to argue which movie we are going to watch. I let them argue and flop down on the sofa next to Christian.
"So what's your favorite movie?"
"I'm not really into movies, watching TV is a waste of time." he says and that gives me an idea. I know he has to go back to Seattle early tomorrow and we didn't talk as much as I wanted us to.
"How about we leave them to argue about the movie and take a walk instead. We really need to talk."
"Sure." We get up and leave the apartment without anyone noticing it.
"The guy at the front desk didn't call you to let you know that I am here like he did Sunday morning." Christian says as we leave the building and walk in the direction of Central Park.
"He didn't have to, you are on my list of approved visitors. You should feel honored it's a very short list."
"Really, who else is on it?"
"My Mom, Kate, Elliot and you."
"Really, not even Arnaldo?" he asks and I smirk when he makes a face while saying his name.
"No, none of my friends. I really trust them and they mean the world to me, but after what happened with Jose I like it that I am informed about anyone who comes up to my apartment. Even Ireland doesn't put anyone on that list."
"Well, then I am happy to tell you that I am feeling very honored right now, Miss Steele."
"As you should, Mr. Grey" I giggle and he stops.
"How about that?" he asks and I points to some horse carriages down the street. I've seen them many times and always wanted to take a ride, but I felt stupid doing it alone.
"Really?" I ask excited and he nods, so we head towards the carriages and he talks to the coachman before helping me in and sitting next to me.
"Don't tell me you haven't done this before" he chuckles when I am just sitting there smiling like an idiot.
"No, I mean my only option was to do this alone and how sad would that be?"
"Well, then I am happy that I am here to take you on a carriage ride." he says and as much as I just want to enjoy this, I know we need to talk and there is something I need to know.
"Can I ask you something?"
"You can ask me what ever you want, Ana."
"The girl, the one you brought to Kate's birthday, was she a former sub of yours?"
"Yes, I've asked her to accompany me for this evening. She is an actress and I told her I needed someone to pretend to be my girlfriend in front of my parents. Though she realized very quickly what I was doing and told me to never contact her again."
"So it was just me then?" I ask and feel tears burning in my eyes.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, obviously you had no problem with her touching you, so I assume you just don't like it when I touch you while it was okay with all of your subs." Shit, even saying it really hurts.
"No, Ana, please. That is not true. I allowed her to touch me... because I wanted to hurt you. I thought you had moved on and it hurt so much, I thought this was the one thing I could use to really hurt you back, showing you that I could let someone else touch me when I knew how badly you wanted it in our short time together."
"Well, if that was your plan then you succeeded." I mutter bitterly.
"I am sorry, Ana."
"I wanted to kill myself that night, after Taylor kicked me out I was wandering around with no direction at all and then I saw the truck in the far distance. If it wasn't for Elliot I would be long gone by now." I whisper. I never wanted to tell him this, but I need him to understand how much he had hurt me that night, that a simple I am sorry is not good enough.
When I look at him all the color has drained from his face and he looks utterly devastated.
"Ana... I ... that is not what I wanted to happen ... I ..."
"Christian, please. I know that you never wanted to that to happen. I just need to be honest with you, if you want to redeem yourself for what happened you need to know what it did to me. We have to be able to talk about everything, no secrets, no beating around the bush and telling half truths. Sometimes the truth hurts, but I'd rather get hurt than lied to."
"Do you see a future for us?" he asks after what feels like ages and that is an easy question.
"Yes, I'm not sure how to get there just now, but I definitively believe that we can have a future together. Otherwise I would be at my apartment right now watching a movie with my friends, while you would be back in Seattle, because I would have told you to leave and just move on with your life."
"So, you mean it and you are not just biting your time until you think that I will no longer run into the first liquor store when you tell me that there is no chance in hell that you'll ever forgive me." he asks and I gape at him.
"Christian you are not some kind of charity case for me. Is that what you think? That I am just sugarcoating you because you are a recovering alcoholic?"
"The thought has crossed my mind." he says and I am actually offended he would think that.
"Now listen to me, Christian Grey. You want to know why I came back to Seattle the minute I heard what you were doing to yourself? I did that because even after all the shit you've done to me, I still love you. That is also why in almost three years I never entered any kind of serious relationship, because I knew it wouldn't be fair to have a relationship with someone when in reality I still wasn't over you. I'll never be over you simple because I can't. You've ruined my chances to ever fall in love with any other man, because there is no one who will ever come even close to you for me. So, you better find away to earn my forgiveness, because I am 25 years old and in five years from now I want to be happily married with at least two kids and number three on the way." When I am done with my little rant I take a deep breath and almost snort with laughter because Christian is staring wide eyed and open mouthed at me.
Looks like I've managed to shock the great Christian Grey into silence, hah!
"You still love me?"
"Yes, but that doesn't mean that I can just forgive you everything that has happened and run off into the sunset with you."
"Tell me what you need me to do, Ana."
"I need you to show me that I can trust you, that you really meant what you have written in the letter you left for me when you went to rehab. I can't give you a second change when I constantly have to worry that we end up tearing each other apart. I need to know that no matter what someone is going to say to you about me, you'll come to me and talk to me. I won't spend the rest of my life worrying that someone is going to tell you something about me and you are going to believe that person. And I need you to work on your issues Christian, you have a tendency to hurt the people who did something wrong in your eyes, and I am not talking about that BDSM shit, you hurt people emotionally and that is so much more worse."
He looks very deep in thoughts for a while and then nods. "I guess you are right. I was never good in dealing with any kind of emotions. I've hurt all of my family when I thought I was protecting them... I've hurt you so much. But I promise I can change." he says and I take his hand in mine as the carriage stops.
"Then that is what I need from you to forgive you, prove to me that you can change."
He nods again and helps me out of the carriage. As we walk back to my apartment I look down at our entwined fingers and he follows my gaze.
"Sorry, I didn..." he tries to pull his hand away but I don't let him. "Don't it feels right" I say and I know he is grinning because I am blushing.
"I am glad that I can still make you blush" he says and I decide to tease him. "Oh Mr. Grey I bet I could do a thing or two to make you blush, too."
"I'm looking forward to it" he says and I frown when he comes to an halt in front of my apartment building.
"It's getting late and my flight is schedule for 5 am tomorrow morning, so I better head back to my apartment now." he says and I let go of his hand.
"Call me when you've landed in Seattle?"
"Sure... so I am not sure when I can come back to New York."
"I'll see if I can find time to come to Seattle soon."
"Good, so I'll call you tomorrow. Goodbye Anastasia."
"Bye Christian, take care." I watch him walk towards a black SUV and see Taylor getting out of it. Poor Taylor, did Christian made him wait in the car the entire time?
I watch as Christian takes his jacket off and he is almost in the car when he stops, he hands his jacket to Taylor and walks back to me.
"I allowed her to touch my chest over layers of clothing, it makes it bearable. It is touching my back or chest skin to skin that is really scaring me." he says and suddenly he starts unbutton his shirt.
"Christian what are you doing?" I ask confused and when his shirt is open he takes a deep breath, grabs my hand and places it over his heart on his bare chest and I gasp.
"Christian please, you don't have to do this" I whisper barely able to fight my tears and I feel his rapid heartbeat and look at his face. His eyes are screwed shut and it looks like he is experiencing the most horrible amount of pain, so I try to take my hand away, but he keeps it firmly in place, until he opens his eyes and stares into mine. Gray to blue.
"It's only you, Ana. It's always going to be only you." he says and lets go of my hand. "Don't cry, Ana, please for you I want to learn to accept your touch. I want no boundaries, no rules between us." he says as he gently wipes my tears away and then he leans down to whisper into my ear.
"Laters baby" and with that I giggle and reach up to kiss his beautiful lips.
"Laters" I whisper against his lips and with that we part and I watch him get into the car and Taylor drives off. And I know, no matter how busy my schedule is I will find time to go to Seattle and see him again, soon...
