Hi, thank you all so much for all the feedback on the last chapter, 55% want Christian to move and 45% want Ana to go back to Seattle, I'm still a little torn, but there are about 3 to 4 chapters left until I have to make the final decision...
I also wanted to recommend two stories to all of you, the first one is Extraordinary by 1974alner and the other one is Bumping into Love by Charlottelovesshadesofgrey, if you are looking for a good read give it a try... oh and another one that is high on my favorite list at the moment is Software Complications by AngieV009 if you haven't already read it, give it a try, you won't regret it ;-)
Ana
I feel sick. Yes, Elena Lincoln was a sick child molester and to me she deserves to burn in hell, but falling down an elevator shaft is a gruesome way to die. The police was already here and they are now talking to the building manager. Christian hasn't moved an inch since he sat down on the couch. He looks like he is going to be sick any minute, too.
"Christian, do you want me to call your mom, I know Elena was her friend, so she should not find out in the news." I say and he looks up at me his expression blank.
"Yes, I guess... maybe I should... fuck what am I going to say to her? I probably make it worse... shit and she will cry... I hate it when my mother cries..."
"Christian, it's okay, I'll call her. Do you want me to make you a tea first?"
"No, I'll get myself a water. I feel like I am about to throw up" he murmurs and I take my phone out and scroll through my contacts until I find Grace's number.
"Anastasia, how nice to hear from you, how are you doing dear?"
"Hi Grace, I'm fine... actually I'm in Seattle, visiting Christian."
"Really, oh I know I shouldn't get my hopes up to high, but I do hope that one day you two can be happy together."
"Yes, me too. Grace umm... is Carrick around?"
"Yes, he is sitting right next to me, why?"
"Maybe put the phone on speaker, there is something I have to tell you and I don't want you to be alone while hearing this."
"Now you are scaring me, Ana. Is Christian alright?"
"Yes... actually he is pretty shaken up, right now. Something happened about an hour ago. Look Elena, she came to visit and when she wanted to leave... she said goodbye to us and the doors of the elevator opened... she wasn't looking and the car wasn't there... she fell down the elevator shaft and... Grace I am so sorry, but she is dead."
For a moment there is silence on the other end of the line and then I hear Grace sob.
"Dead... but how can something like this happen?"
"Something wasn't right with the elevator, Christian had Taylor inform the front desk. The technician that came to check the elevator put it out of commission, but for some reason the doors still opened. The police believes it was a technical failure, but there will be further investigations."
"And she is really dead?" Grace sobs.
"Yes... I don't know if this is any help for you, but the police told us that she most likely passed out before the impact. She didn't suffer" I am not going to tell her that Elena was nearly decapitated by the impact, she doesn't need to have this picture in her head for the rest of her life.
"Is Christian there with you?"
"Yes, I'll get him." I walk over to the breakfast bar where Christian is sitting on a bar stool holding his head in his hands.
"Christian?" I ask and touch his shoulder. He looks up at me. "Your mom wants to talk to you."
He looks panicked. "I... I what can I tell her to make this easier for her?"
"Nothing, just listen to her, tell her that you are sorry for her loss, maybe offer her to come over tomorrow." I hand him my phone and take his free hand in mine while he talks to his mother.
When he hangs up he looks stressed and upset. "Fuck, even in death that bitch makes everyone miserable" he mutters and then looks at me.
"I am worried about my mom and I know it's rather late, but would you mind going to Bellevue with me. We can stay there over night." he asks and for some reason he looks almost scared.
"Sure, I'll just get my bag."
"You are not leaving, I mean after what Elena said about me... that I am a... sadist?"
I sigh and look at him. "Christian first of all even the term sadist is outdated. Second, yes you can be a major ass if you want to, sometimes even cruel, but you are not a sadist."
"How can you say that?"
"Look, I know that there is a lot in your past that I don't know and yes, you have participated in a lifestyle that has aspects of sexual sadism, but that is very different. You like rules and being in control and that a alone shows that you are not a sadist. People like that are controlled by there urges, they don't have contracts and limits to assure the safety of their partners. They have victims and they don't stop until they have found their gratification by inflicting pain on their victims. You contracted women who knew exactly what they would get out of this kind relationship with you, they enjoyed it and they had safe words which I know you would have respected.
As for you choosing women who look similar to your birth mother... yes, maybe you did that and if you did I believe it wasn't because you wanted to fuck someone who looked like your birth mother, but more because you wanted to punish her. Punish her for neglecting you and not protecting you, and that I can understand. But maybe when you have some time to think, just sit down and think about if it was really you who started to see yourself as a sadist or if it was Elena who brought that up."
He looks at me as if he can't comprehend what I just said, but after a moment he speaks. "I thought you leave once you knew. Flynn said I should come clean, but I was sure you would be out of the door before I had the chance to say anything else."
"You should have a little more faith in me, yes, this is not something I was expecting, but I feel like you always tend to think the worst of yourself. And that is sad, because you are very easy to love, Christian. But maybe we should talk about this tomorrow. Your mother needs you ... and I believe what she really needs right now and what would help her is for you to just hold her in your arms."
Hearing this his eyes widen and I can see fear in them. "You don't have to, but just think about it. You once told me that Grace saved your life, she loves you unconditionally and would never hurt you. Just keep that in mind" I get up and leave to get my bag from the guestroom.
Since all elevators in the building are out of commission until they get a thorough check in the morning and the police is done gathering evidence, we have to take the emergency staircase to get into the garage and Taylor drives us to Bellevue.
By the time we arrive at his parent's house it is after 9 in the evening, but Carrick opens the door after a couple of seconds and looks relieved to see us.
"Christian, thank God, your mother is a mess and she is refusing to rest. She is in the TV room watching news reports on Elena's death. Have you heard them, some gossip sites already speculate that you had an affair with Elena."
"Fuck, I'll have an statement released tomorrow, the police asked us not to talk to the media until they release a statement tomorrow afternoon."
"I see, well let PR handle those bastards. Come in, I need to check on your mother." we follow him into the TV room where we find Grace sitting on the sofa sobbing into a handkerchief.
"Mom?"
Grace looks up when she hears Christian's voice and gets up from the sofa.
"I am such a terrible person" she sobs shocking us all.
"Mom, why would you even say that, you know that is not true."
"While watching the news, I thought... what if it wouldn't have been Elena. It could have been you, darling. And then I felt relieved that it wasn't you... how can I feel relieved when my best friend is dead?" she sobs and suddenly Christian steps closer to her and pulls her in his arms. If possible Grace sobs even harder and he just holds her rubbing her back and murmuring comforting words to her.
I look at Carrick and he has tears in eyes watching his son hold Grace.
"Young lady, I have no idea how you are doing it, but please don't stop. I know my son has behaved so poorly towards you, but he needs you." Carrick says to me and I smile shyly at him.
"All he needs is a push in the right direction... he wants to be happy, he just wasn't able to find the right way before."
A little later I have offered to make some tea, and we all sit in the kitchen.
"Why was Elena at Escala, Christian?"
"She wanted to talk about the salons" he says and I can see in his eyes that he hates it to lie, but what good would the truth do, especially now. Maybe in this case it is the best when the truth gets buried with Elena.
"She didn't have any family, Carrick we need to take care of her funeral. To whom do we have to talk?"
"I'll take care of it tomorrow, my love. You need rest now, do you think you can sleep?"
"Yes, I just need to get the guest room ready for, Ana. Christian you'll stay in your old bedroom, right?"
"Yes, mom."
"Umm... actually, if it is okay for both of you, I would like to share a room with Christian." I say to Grace and Carrick.
"Oh... well, I guess you are old enough to share a room. Of course this is alright." Grace says and I can see that Christian is biting the insides of his cheeks to stop himself from smiling.
Once we are in his childhood bedroom he looks at me. "Why do you want to sleep here with me tonight?" he asks and I shrug.
"You told me once that you have nightmares, but when we shared a bed that didn't seem to be a problem... and I thought after a day like today you could use a good nights sleep."
"That sounds like a very good plan to me. And I might even get the chance to listen to you talk in your sleep again or have you stopped doing that?" he asks amused.
"No, according to Ireland I am still talking in my sleep" Wisely I don't mention that Arnaldo too has heard me talk in my sleep on several occasions.
"Why, does your cousin know that you talk in your sleep?" he asks and he start to undress and I turn to get my pajama from my duffel bag.
"She is the only person I know who hates thunder storms more than I do, so when there is one at night we usually end up sharing a bed. She thinks it is hilarious to listen to me talk in my sleep."
"I think it's a rather charming habit, and of course it gives me a good inside to what is going on in that pretty head of yours."
"Maybe, it's better than snoring I guess." I mutter and start to change into my pj's knowing full well that Christian is watching me. When I look up he is smiling at me.
"What?"
"I like you in satin, it's much nicer than the old sweatpants you preferred before." he says.
"Well, back then I was a college student with a part time job and no interest in fashion whatsoever. Now, I can afford nicer things, though to be honest I still wouldn't buy a pair of shoes or a dress for 5k that is just ridiculous. Just like this stupid dress rule."
"Which dress rule?"
"That you can't wear the same dress for events twice. That's just crazy and I only buy expensive evening gowns because I sell them online after I wore them to an event and donate the money to a good cause. It's much easier for men, no one would say something like...'oh my god, have you seen this, he is wearing the same tux as last week' "
"I suppose that is right, though I wouldn't give a fuck if someone would say that about me" he says and we both go to brush our teeth before we get into bed together.
He pulls me close to him and feel so safe in his arms, that I feel my eyes getting heavy within seconds.
"Thank you, Ana" I hear Christian whisper and turn a little to look at him.
"For what?"
"Because you stayed, when I was sure that you would leave once you knew all there is to know about me."
"No more running... I promise" I whisper and kiss him softly before I can no longer hold my eyes open.
Two weeks later
I can't help it, my thoughts go back to Christian the entire time. It's been two weeks since I have last seen him. Both our schedule didn't allow us to see each other. We still Skyped every evening and exchanged emails and texts through out the day, but it is just not the same. Especially with the whole Elena drama. He hated to go to her funeral, but he couldn't come up with an good excuse and I hated that I couldn't be there to go with him.
The Sunday after she died Christian and I stayed in his childhood bedroom for hours just talking. I am convinced that it was that old bitch who made him believe he is a sadist, that and his self-loathing. Yes, he engaged in the BDSM lifestyle and used to dish out some rather harsh punishments, which by his own admission he enjoyed, but he could also walk away from the lifestyle.
He told me that he dismantled the playroom, because he hated that he ruined us in there. That even being in there made him sick to his stomach and that he could never hurt me like that again. That is not what true sadist would have done or said. I just wish I could make him see this too. But he agreed to see Dr. Flynn at least twice a week from now on. He needs this and if we want to have a second chance as a couple at some point then this is what we both need.
While I listen to the speech that is given at the gala I am attending right now I discretely check my phone if I have a new message from Christian and frown when there is no new message.
I haven't heard from him all day, I tried to call him a couple of times, but my calls went straight to voicemail. I just hope he is alright, but I have no time to call Mia or Gideon who are both in Seattle right now to make sure all is alright, because I have to give a speech next. I am still not very comfortable with speaking in front of an audience, but if I can raise awareness and money for the Crossroads Foundation and Safe Haven by doing so, then it is worth it.
Finally, at 10 I decide that I can leave now without being rude. Those galas and functions are just not my world. So, I am glad when I am in the back of the town car and Carlos is driving me back home. I take my phone out again and see that I have six missed calls from Gideon. Suddenly, I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and try to ignore it while I call him back.
"Fuck, finally. Have you seen Grey?" he asks me with no preamble whatsoever.
"What? I don't understand, Gideon. Why would I have seen Christian, he is supposed to be in Seattle... oh my gosh, is that Mia crying in the background? What is going on?"
"It's Mia, her mother and Kate. Fuck Ana, you won't believe what happened."
"Tell me, what happened and where is Christian?"
"We were all here for brunch when the boss of the company Grace had hired to clear Elena's house stopped by. Fuck, Ana that old hag was into kids and while they took everything out of her house they not only found a dungeon, but also many boxes with pictures and videos showing her fucking teenage boys..."
"Christian" I gasp.
"Wait you knew?"
"I... I knew he was seduced by a family friend when he was fifteen and that the woman was into BDSM."
"Well shit, Ana. And you did nothing?"
"Gideon, now is not the time... what happened, where is Christian?"
"The guy from the company wanted nothing to do with that shit. Carrick and Grace looked through the boxes and there where tons of pictures of Christian. Fucked up shit, no teenager should have been exposed too nor should parents ever see their child like that. And he shut down, just sat there and said nothing until Carrick lost it and started to yell at him. Christian stormed out of the house as if the place was on fire and since then we have no idea where he is. Taylor tried to track him down and found his car and phone outside a bar. He wasn't in there and we have no way to track him down now, we thought since it's been almost 8 hours since we found the car that he might took the next flight to New York."
"I'm taking the next flight to Seattle... drive faster Carlos" I say in a rush. Fuck, his family knows; the one thing Christian wanted to avoid at all cost. What if he decided to get drunk...or worse. No. No, I must not think like that.
"I'll have a jet ready for you within an hour." Gideon says, but as Carlos pulls up outside my building I see him. Christian is standing outside the building in the pouring rain, soaked to the skin.
"He is here, I call you back." I mutter end the call and jump out of the car. When I reach him he looks completely lost.
"Christian?" I ask and he just pulls me in his arms.
"They know... about Elena... they hate me" he murmurs and I look up at him.
"Come, let's get you inside first. You need to get out of these wet clothes or you'll get sick, then we can talk." I take his hand and usher him into the building.
In my apartment I lead him straight into the bathroom and start to run a bath for him.
"They know, Ana" he murmurs again.
"I know, Gideon called me. Everyone is looking for you, Christian. Your family is worried sick, because they couldn't find you." I say and start to unbutton his shirt.
"Why would they worry, they know! They know what I did with Elena, soon they know what a monster I am."
"You are not a monster, Christian. You had consensual sexual relationships with women who liked the same things you did. There is nothing wrong with that and it is not about what you did with Elena, it is about what Elena did to you. What she did to other teenage boys... she was a disgusting, vile person and I hate to say it, but I am glad that she is dead so she can't take advantage of any more teenage boys ever again."
When he is undressed and in the tub I realize that I have nothing for him to wear at my apartment and he is not saying anything. It's like he is so lost in his thoughts he is barely recognizing me.
"Christian, look at me, please. I'll go up to Gideon's penthouse for a moment and get something for you to wear. I'll be back in 5 minutes"
When he nods I get up, get the spare key for Gideon's penthouse and quickly grab some sweatpants, a t-shirt and a pair of socks before heading back to my apartment. I hear my phone ring when I get in, but ignore it. I need to take care of Christian first.
Back in the bathroom I put the clean clothes on the small bench by the tub and put some towels out for Christian.
"Have you eaten anything today?" I ask him and he looks at me.
"I went to a bar, I don't even know why. It came so fucking natural to me to just try and drink myself into oblivion. I sat there ordered a whisky and just stared at it. I didn't even touch the tumbler, but I wanted to and then I thought about you and I couldn't."
"I'm glad you decided to come here instead. Now, did you eat today?"
"No"
"I'll fix you something to eat." I leave the bathroom to give him some privacy and quickly change into some yoga pants and a t-shirt before I go into the kitchen and decide to make mac and cheese for him. Comfort food.
"Mac and cheese?" he asks smiling when he walks into the kitchen a while later.
"Yes, it's my favorite comfort food. Oh, and I called Carlos, he'll get you a change of clothes first thing tomorrow morning."
"I'll give you the money." he says and sits down on one of the bar stools at the breakfast bar.
"I can afford it" I mutter and he shakes his head.
"Ana, don't unman me completely today." he asks.
"Okay, you can pay me back. Now, iced tea, water or something else?"
"Water is fine. Ana I'm sorry, I shouldn't have showed up here without calling you first. I know you are busy, I can go to my apartment if you want me to."
"I like having you here and I am glad that you came here. I might have a busy schedule these days, but my family and friends always come first for me. And that is why I will take two days off and we will fly back to Seattle tomorrow morning."
"I am sure my family is glad that I am out of town." he mutters and I have to stop myself so I won't roll my eyes at him.
"That is just not true. When Gideon called me I heard your mother, Mia and even Kate crying in the background. They are worried sick, Christian. Your family loves you."
"Why would they, Ana? I have fucked up so often and now this. Fuck, I wouldn't want to have to deal with someone like me."
"It doesn't matter if you fuck up or not, and I wouldn't say that what happened today is a fuck up on your part. Believe me, if you have kids one day, you are not going to give up them, either. And just try to put yourself in the position of your parents. They just found out that their son was abused by a family friend, someone they invited into their home. It's natural to be upset, angry even, but they are not angry with you."
"When I saw those pictures, of the other boys... I finally knew without a doubt that you were right all along, Elena was a pedophile, I just didn't want to see it before. I couldn't deal with anyone in that moment and then my Dad lost it and I just needed to get out. I couldn't deal with them... didn't know what to say... and most of all I didn't want to hear that I finally managed to fuck up so badly that they didn't want me in their life anymore."
I feel so bad for him... actually for his entire family. He doesn't know how to deal with his emotions and neither of them will ever get the chance to confront Elena and make her pay for what happened.
"Believe me, they are not going to cut you off. Since I told Gideon that you are here they have been calling me non-stop. There see?" I say when my phone vibrates again and this time I take the call and put Gideon on speaker.
"Hi Gideon, sorry but I couldn't answer your calls earlier."
"Is he alright... Christ, I have a room full of sobbing women and you know I can't deal with crying women." he mutters.
"He is fine, all things considered. Can you hand your phone to Grace?"
"Sure"
"Here, talk to your mother, trust me." I turn the speaker off and hold my phone out to him. He hesitates for a second, but takes it and I busy myself in the kitchen, so he can speak to his mother. Just when I have put the food onto plates he is finished and looks confused.
"She says she wants me to come home, that it's not my fault."
"See and that's why we are flying to Seattle first thing tomorrow morning. Gideon has one of his jets on standby for me. You need to talk to them and maybe at some point you should consider to have a couple of therapy sessions with your family. They are probably going to blame themselves for what happened to you, so this will be a good thing for all of you."
"Maybe... I... this is too much for one evening, can we drop this topic until tomorrow?"
"Sure, let's eat and then we can go to bed. Do you want the guestroom or sleep with me in my room?"
"Is that a serious question?" he asks amused and I giggle. "I had to ask, but fine from now on I won't offer you the guest room again. Oh, and there is one more thing." I get up and open one of the kitchen drawers where I keep a set of spare keys for my apartment.
"Here, for you." I hand him the keys and he frowns.
"Keys?"
"Those are the keys for this apartment. The next time you decided to come here to see me and neither Ireland or I are at home, you can just come up and wait here for me."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, you know I trust you, so whenever you feel like coming to New York to visit me, just come here."
"Thank you, this means a lot to me" he says and we smile at each other. I am so tempted to kiss him, but I know it would be wrong. Because I know right now this would end with us having sex and this time I am not sure if I would be able to convince myself that it just happened out of the moment and I am not ready to forgive him completely just now. So, instead we eat in silence and go to bed where he holds me in his arms until we fall asleep...
Gah! I was so tempted, to write a lemon at the end, but I don't want Ana to forgive and forget too soon... so I guess the lemons have to wait for a couple more chapters :-(
