Remember in my last A/N when I said that it would be some more chapters before I had to make the final decision about the whole move thing? That's no longer the case as this chapter nearly wrote itself and ended with that very same decision. So, let's find out if it is Seattle or New York, shall we? ;-)
"Checkmate!" Christian exclaims with a smirk and I pout. We are en route to Seattle and I just lost the second round of chess.
"Do you want to lose again?" he asks me and his arrogance makes me laugh.
"Who says I wasn't just trying to be nice and let you win, Mr. Grey?" I ask raising an eyebrow.
"Ana, not even if I wanted to let someone win would I ever play as bad as you." he says matter of factly and I cross my arms in front of my chest.
"Careful, Grey or I might decide to hand you a parachute and kick you out of this jet" I say trying to keep a straight face, but it's hard when I see his amused expression.
"Does that mean you are a sore loser, Miss Steele?" he chuckles.
"Maybe, but you are no gentleman, Christian Grey. My father used to let me win all the time and even Gideon does from time to time."
"Where is the fun in that?" he asks puzzled.
"I don't know, did you never let Mia win when you played board games or cards with her?"
"No, what kind of message does that send? Besides, playing games with Mia was never fun, either she cheated or she had temper tantrums each time she lost. Ask Elliot, the scar on his eyebrow is the result of Mia throwing a fit when she lost Clue for the fifth time in a row and started to throw things at us."
"Maybe she wouldn't have thrown a fit if you had let her win at least once every so often" I giggle and he shrugs. I guess for him it really is all about winning. Looks like I have to talk about that with him again once we have kids... shit, where did that come from?
"Let's play cards instead" I say to distract myself, from all thoughts of having kids with Christian.
"Fine what kind of card game?"
"You'll see" I stroll over to the bar where I know Gideon keeps various decks of cards. I pick one and smile at Christian.
"How about a round of 52 pickup... your turn" I say, send the cards flying all over the cabin and start to laugh when I see Christian's appalled expression.
"That was a childish thing to do, Anastasia" he mutters, but dutifully gets up and starts to collect all the cards, before we sit down and start to play shithead.
Of course, I am losing too, but actually I don't care. I'm just trying to take his mind of the conversation with his family he is going to have once we are back in Seattle. Taylor will collect us from the airport and drive us to Bellevue. I know he is anxious about the conversation, because he wants to come clean, not just about Elena, but also about his time as a Dom.
I know it is the right thing to do, but I can't even imagine what is going through his mind right now. He looked so troubled in his sleep last night. We went to bed early and while he fell asleep soon I was up all night and just watched him. I just feel what I am doing is not fair. Yes, I want to take things slow, but to be honest, I feel bad for him in doing so.
He has punished himself enough and has been through so much shit lately, that I almost feel cruel for not being able to make up my mind. I always thought if I was ever going to forgive him I needed some kind of grand gesture from him, but the more I think about it, the more I feel like this is wrong. Yes, it was his choice not to talk to me, to start his little vendetta and drink himself into oblivion, but now he is really trying.
Christ, Kate told me he is thinking about moving his offices to New York... and he doesn't even know for sure that we will end up together... so what else do I need? And deep down I know why I am still hesitating... I am just not sure if I want to give up my life in New York and go back to Seattle. Yes, Kate is there and I am sure I can make new friends, get involved with charities on the west coast, and if I miss my friends and family and New York I can visit them... but it's a big step.
"Hey, Miss Shithead, another round?" Christian snickers and I throw one of the nuts from the small bowl on the coffee table at him. He leaps forward catches it with his mouth and gives me an adorable youthful grin.
"Why thank you, Miss Steele, I was indeed a bit hungry" he teases and I shake my head amused. Carefree Christian is so much fun to hang out with, I wish it could be like this all the time, but I know once we have landed his good mood will vanish.
4 hours later Taylor pulls up at Christian's parent's house and I feel bad for Christian. He is so tense and pale, I almost expect him to double over and throw up.
"It's going to be alright, Christian. Your family loves you."
"Ana... how much more shit can they possibly take?" he asks sadly and thank God for Mia, because she comes running out of the house and jumps right into Christian's arms.
"Don't you ever do that to us again. We were so worried, when Taylor found your car... I thought... I..." she sobs and Christian just holds her in his arms. I have no idea what he is whispering to her, but it must have shocked her, because she stares wide eyed at him.
"You've never said it before" she whisper.
"I know and I should have. I am sorry Mia, I didn't mean to scare you."
"You're forgiven, but don't do it again." she sniffs and I follow them into the house until we reach the family room, where his parents, Elliot and Kate and Gideon are waiting for him.
Mia skips over to Gideon and I look at Christian and get onto tiptoes. "Just talk to them, they love you, they'll understand." I whisper in his ear. He looks down at me and smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes.
"Ana, thank you for convincing Christian to come home. I don't want to sound rude, but would you mind to wait in the kitchen with Gideon and Kate, while we talk to Christian." Carrick asks me while he shakes my hand.
"No, of course not." Gideon walks over to me, but Kate looks a bit pissed. I get it though. Yes, she is a Grey now, but this is a very painful topic for Christian and his family, so I am sure he will appreciate it, if less people are listening. I look at Christian one last time and leave the room with them.
"Carrick is such an ass, I swear father in law or not, if he yells at Christian again, I will storm in there and knock him to his ass" Kate mutters under her breath as we reach the kitchen and she plops down on one of the chairs by the wooden table. Since when is she all protective of Christian?
"Is everything alright, Kate" I ask and sit down next to her, while Gideon excuses himself to make some phone calls.
"No, I... shit Ana" she mutters and starts to cry, which is so not like her.
"Kate, please what is wrong?"
"I feel terrible, Ana. Yes, Christian is an ass and I would still like to kick his ass for the way he treated you, but I feel so bad for him. You haven't seen those pictures, it was terrible. I've never seen anything like it in my life. That evil bitch, she tortured the hell out of him and he was just a kid. No wonder he is so messed up, I mean how can anyone go through shit like that and not end up completely fucked up. And Carrick... hell sometimes he is such an self-righteous ass. Christian just sat there and stared at the picture, everyone could tell that he just realized what she had done to him, he was devastated and Carrick just started to yell at him. I mean who does that, find out that the own child was abused for 6 fucking years and start to blame the victim. Grace is so pissed at him, she has kicked him out, he slept in the boathouse last night. Serves him right." Kate explains and I don't know what to say. I knew what Elena did to Christian must have been bad, but seeing Kate's reaction it must have been beyond anything I can even imagine.
"I don't want to defend Carrick, but maybe he felt just helpless" I offer and Kate glares at me.
"Helpless is right, helpless must have been how Christian must have felt when that disgusting, pedo bitch caned him until his back, ass and thighs where black and blue. and if you think that is bad, let me tell you, that's one of the more harmless pictures I have seen. Poor Grace, can you imagine how she must feel, she invited that vile person in her home, into her social circle and in return that bitch abused her son. Urgh, I feel dirty just thinking about sitting at her funeral service and feeling bad for that cunt. I hope she burns in hell and even that is too good for her." Kate fumes.
"Kate, please try to calm down, you are pregnant..."
"Exactly Ana, I am pregnant. I mean there is this precious little life growing inside of me and I ... shit Ana I am scared out of my mind. You know, you always think something like that doesn't happen in the own family, until one day it does and I would kill anyone who would try to bring harm to my child. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that someone would ever do that to my child."
"I know you would, but I need you to take a deep breath and relax. Do you want me to make tea for you?" I hold her hands in mine and watch her take some deep breaths.
"Yes, I could use a tea. Well, actually a vodka, but I can't... so tea will have to do." she says and I get up to make some tea for us. To be honest, I can't understand what has gotten into Carrick either, he should have known that yelling at Christian was the worst thing to do. I just hope he can be more understanding and supporting now.
After a while Kate has calmed down and Gideon is back in the kitchen with us. So far with haven't heard any yelling, so I hope that is a good sign, until after forty-five minutes Carrick comes into the kitchen.
"Are you one of them, Anastasia?" he asks me and I frown.
"One of whom?"
"One of those perverted people my son engaged with?" he asks and Gideon gets up.
"It's okay, Gideon." I reassure him and get up. "No, I am not, Carrick. When I first met Christian he told me what kind of lifestyle he had chosen for himself. I was scared and intrigued at the same time and because I wanted to be with Christian so bad, I agreed to try to become his submissive. Of course, he had to make some adjustments, too. I had never been with a man before and in the end it didn't work out for us. That is why I left him. I wasn't made for the lifestyle."
"You... you considered it... this disgusting..."
"Please, Carrick. BDSM is not all that bad, at least not in the extend that Christian used to practice it. What Elena Lincoln did to your son was abuse, she might have told him that she was introducing him to BDSM, but that is just not true. I don't know what you have seen while looking at those pictures, but I can assure you it is not what Christian did to the women he was with."
Behind me I see Kate and Gideon quietly leaving the kitchen and Carrick sits down at the table.
"So, he didn't torture them?"
"No, there are limits, hard and soft limits, things one won't and will do. Also, there are safe words, if the submissive uses those the Dominant stops what ever he is doing. Everything that happens is consensual."
"I just don't understand this... where have my wife and I failed him?" he murmurs and runs his hands through his hair.
"You never failed your son, Carrick. Elena manipulated him and he only now realizes it, that is why it was so important to Christian to come clean with his family. She made him believe that he is not worthy of the love of his family. She did that to make sure she was the only person Christian would turn to. Pedophiles, they are smart people, they have to be or otherwise they wouldn't find ways to abuse children without getting caught. She saw him as easy prey, she knew about his issues and that is how she got him to trust her. It's no one's fault but hers. I don't know if this helps you, but I believe that where ever she is now, she is being punished for what she did to those children."
"Did you know about him and Elena?" he asks and I sigh.
"When we met he told me that he was seduced by an older women, the same woman who introduced him to the lifestyle. We had some pretty heated arguments about it. To me it was clear that the woman was a pedophile, but he still saw her as a friend who helped him back then. He was shutting down the moment I called her a pedophile and shortly after I left him."
"He is good at that... shutting everyone out, this time it's my fault. I just lost it with him... what kind of a person am I? To yell at my son after finding out that he was abused for years?" He murmur sadly and hangs his head in shame.
"Carrick, there is no right or wrong after finding out about something like that. And I guess that knowing you can't confront Elena or get her behind bars for what she has done is making everything so much more worse. But Christian loves you, he didn't run because you lost it, he just needed to get out. He never allowed himself to realize what Elena did to him. You all need time, maybe even start a family therapy. What happened to Christian affects all of you, so you need to heal as a family. It's nothing that happens over night."
He looks up at me and gives me a smile. "Christian was right, you make people see the light again. You are one special young woman, Anastasia Steele. Thank you, and not just for listening to me, but for being there for Christian. Lord knows he can be difficult, but you are so good for him, what ever you are doing... don't stop." he says and to my surprise he leans over and kisses my forehead before leaving the kitchen.
Kate, Gideon and I went out for lunch, because we didn't want to interrupt the Grey's. We returned to the house a while later, but they were still in the family room and it wasn't until dinner time that Grace and Christian came into the kitchen, to tell us that they decided to order pizza for dinner.
So, now we are all in the kitchen eating pizza and to my great relief everyone seems to be in a relax mood.
"I want to stay here tonight, would you mind staying in my old bedroom with me?" Christian asks me, while Mia gets the ice cream from the freezer for dessert.
"No, it's fine, but I can check into a hotel if you need more time with your family."
"No, please don't leave. I know you have to go back to New York tomorrow evening and I want to spend some time with you... even if it is only by holding you while I am sleeping."
"Well, then I guess I have the great honor of being the first girl to ever sleep in your childhood bedroom" I say with a smile and he smiles back.
"That you are... well besides Mia when she was little and was convinced that a monster lived under her bed." he says with a wink and I giggle.
Later that night it is like the night before, he falls asleep rather quickly, while I am awake just looking at him. At least now he doesn't look troubled in his sleep, but I still don't know what to do. My heart tells me to stay and my head is telling me to really think this through. I know, if I decide to move my friends would be happy for me. Gideon and Ireland would be sad, but they would understand my reasons and the team I have built over the last couple of years is more than capable of continuing our work without me and I could easily start the process of building a Safe Haven here.
So, why am I still hesitating? Maybe it's because I am afraid to get hurt again. Maybe it's because I would feel like letting the kids at Safe Haven down. Especially Sam, I love that little boy so much... though I could just fly down and visit him twice a month. I don't know, I need to talk to Gideon about this. He has always the best advise.
The next day I haven't seen much of Christian, he talked alone with his parents for a long while. He has to go back to Escala tonight, because he has some important meetings the next day, but even when I told him it was okay, he insisted to drive to the airport with Gideon and I.
Gideon needs to go back to New York, too. Mia will stay some time here, her family needs her now and while he isn't happy about it, he understands it. To give Christian and me some privacy he walks towards the jet, while I stay behind with Christian.
"Call me once you arrived safely in New York." he says and pulls me into his arms.
"Thank you, Ana." he murmurs into my hair and kisses the top of my head. I just hold on to him. Shit, why is it so hard to leave?
He loosens his grip on me a little and cups my face in his hands. "Stay" he whispers and I know he is not talking about one more day, but staying here in Seattle with him for good.
"I can't... it's too soon. I'll call you once I'm back in New York. Bye" I get onto tiptoes and kiss him softly.
"Bye" he whispers against my lips and just looking at him, breaks my heart so I turn around and hurry over to the jet. I want to turn around and wave, but I can't, I'm already crying and I don't want him to see me like this. Instead I get into the jet and flop down into my seat, sobbing into my hands as I do.
"What the hell happened, Ana?" Gideon asks immediately and I try to compose myself.
"It's just I don't know what to do. I love him so much and I feel terrible for leaving him, because I know he needs me and I want to be with him, Gideon. But at the same time I can't just drop everything in New York and stay."
"Why?" is all he asks and I stare at him my tears forgotten.
"Look Ana, I am not saying that I am Grey's biggest fan, but that guy adores you. I'm not sure if I would give him a second chance, but this is your choice to make. What I know is that ever since you've visited him the last time you've been miserable in New York and I bet he wasn't any better. At one point one of you has to make the decision to move. And as much as I hate so say it, but this one is you Ana. If Grey moves his business to New York, he will be one of many, many sharks in fucking tiny pond. It is going to cost him big time, worst case he loses a big chunk of his company, because the competition is fucking stiff in his chosen field."
He gets up and pours himself a whisky at the bar. "Look, I am not saying that your work is any less important, because that is just not the truth, but you've brought the Crossroads Foundation to a whole new level, it would be hard for them to lose you, but I have no doubt that they'll manage. And of course, we live in a pretty fucked up world and sadly there are many, many children in Seattle who could use your help, just like they do in New York. And if this is about Ireland, me or your friends, don't worry, we want you happy Ana. If it is Grey who makes you happy, then don't leave. Work things out with him, be happy and keep supporting charities here on the west coast. And when ever you miss New York or want to visit Safe Haven you can be sure that there is a jet ready and waiting to fly you down as often as you like."
I stare at him for a moment and bury my face in my hands. Oh what to do?
"Ana it's simple, what do you want? Stay with Grey or fly home now, knowing that it will be weeks before you'll see him again?"
I take a deep breath and in this moment I have made my decision. I walk over to Gideon and hug him hard.
"I guess that means you are staying?" he asks and I nod.
"I'm sorry, but I miss him already and ... it just feels like my place here."
"Hey, no apologies, you love Grey, and as long as you are happy, everyone else is too. And now get your ass over to Grey before he leaves. But don't think that you don't have to come back to New York for a goodbye party."
"I know, and there is so much I have do before I can finalize my move. Believe me, New York has not seen the last of me." I giggle through my tears we hug again, before I leave the jet.
Christian is standing by the SUV and walks towards me when I come down the stairs.
When I reach him I jump into his arms and kiss him. "Ana... I ... what are you doing?"
"You asked me to stay... so I am staying." I tell him through my tears and his eyes widen.
"You are staying... but..., really?" he asks as he slowly comprehends what this means.
"Yes, I love you, Christian Grey. My home is where you are"...
Sorry to all of you who wanted Christian to move. For most parts of the story I wanted it to be him to move, but I just felt that in the end Ana moving back was what needed to be done. And for those of you who think that Ana forgave him to quickly... Christian is still going to do some things that will make Ana love him even more, so it doesn't mean that he won't still try to prove himself worthy of her...
