Ana
I watch my boys, smiling as they play with Phoebe, while Emily is getting her first piano lessons and Aria is sleeping in my arms. This could be a perfect family moment, watching our boys who like to wrestle and play rough, help their little sister change her dolls into new outfits, our little girl sleeping and hearing Emily's delighted giggles when she manages to hit the right combination of keys to create a beautiful tune, but one very important thing is missing. My darling husband has been holed up in his study for hours on end ever since he came home from the hospital.
He is not working, that much I know, because I've called Ros to let her have it for drowning him in work when he needs to heal and recover from his injuries. She was surprised to say at least and told me that she was handling things and that she didn't sent him any work nor has he talked about work when she called him on the day he was released from the hospital. So, I continued to ask Taylor and even called Welch to find out what is going on, but Christian hasn't told them anything.
Talking to Christian wasn't any help either, he told me he had work to do. At first I wanted to be angry with him for lying, but I can see that something is really bothering him. He looks almost depressed, is very silent when he does leave his study and of course each morning for the last nine days I have woken up with him wrapped around me like ivy, which is always a clear indicator that something isn't right in his world.
With a sigh I get up and walk into the kitchen where my mother, Grace and Gail are having some lemonade while they are baking cookies for the kids.
"Hi, can I leave Aria with you for a moment?"
"Of course, is everything alright, sweetheart, you look stressed." Grace says as she takes Aria from me.
"It's nothing, I just need to talk to Christian." I let her know and she nods, giving me a look that clearly shows, she too has noticed that something isn't right with her son.
When I enter his study he looks up in annoyance, because I haven't knocked though he gives me a small smile when he sees it is me.
"Hey stranger." I murmur and sit on his desk facing him. "Want to talk?"
"Baby, I just have wo…"
"Don't! Before you tell me that you are working, let me tell you that I have called Ros days ago to rip her a new one for sending you work when you should be resting. She told me she hasn't sent you anything and Welch and Jason have no idea what is going on either. If you don't want to talk to me, ok, I can give you time and space to do whatever you are doing here, but please don't lie to me, because I don't ever want to look at you and question myself if I can trust what you are saying or if you are lying to my face." I try hard not to burst into tears, because I hate that he is not letting me in. Our marriage has always been about love, trust and being with the one person you can share everything with, so it's hard to know that he is keeping something from me.
He stares at me for a moment, then pulls me off the desk so I'm sitting on his lap and points at his laptop. I look and find that he was looking at what looks like the online edition of an old yearbook. The picture is of a girl with a bright smile, chubby cheeks and braces. She looks about fourteen or fifteen and suddenly, her face seems familiar to me, for a moment I can't place where I have seen her before until I remember the old picture of his mother Christian once showed me. Of course she looks younger and healthy in this pictures, but there is no doubt in my mind that it is her.
"That is her, right? Your birthmother?" I ask and he nods.
"She was a good student, straight A's. Her mother died when she was six, her Dad re-married a year later. She ran away at sixteen and died at the age of twenty-one. That's all I know… she gave birth to me, raised me for four years… and that is all I know of her, Ana. Do you know that I have never been to see her grave? I bet no one ever did. I looked for everything online and this is all I could find, just a yearbook nothing else… I should have done something in her memory, something so she would not have been forgotten, but all I did was hating her and then I just stopped thinking about her all together… how could I forget what she did? What she did for me?" He asks and looks so lost it breaks my heart.
"Christian, what brought this on?" I ask and he wraps his arms around me to hold me close.
"I remembered something… something I should have never forgotten. My mother didn't overdose by accident, she did it on purpose… for me." He says quietly.
"She committed suicide?" I gasp.
"The day before she died, she woke me up early, bathed me, dressed me in new clothes and took me to I-Hop for breakfast. We played at the park all day until it was time to go home where she made mac and cheese for dinner. She even read me a nighttime story. She said it was our special day, that I deserved to have the life we shared for this one day and not the hell that was our reality. She looked so sad, much older than her years and so, so tired. She kissed me goodnight, asked me to keep the memory of our special day, she told me she loved me and that she would find a way to watch over me. I remember so many horrible things from that time… why didn't I remember that she loved me?" He asks and it hurts me to see him like this, sad, confused … lost.
"I don't know, what you've been through was traumatizing, maybe in some way it was easier for you not to remember and to hate her, because at least then you wouldn't have to mourn her loss… maybe now you are ready."
"I want to bring her home, Ana." He says and it takes me a moment to understand what he means.
"You want to move her grave to Seattle?" I ask and he nods.
"I want her buried where we can visit her grave and bring her flowers… I don't even know if she has a headstone… I want to buy one… something so that she isn't forgotten… she deserves to be remembered." He says with tears in his eyes.
"Yes she does, after all she gave birth to the love of my life. Okay, how about we talk to Grace and Carrick. Maybe they know where she is buried and what we have to do to move her grave." I offer, because frankly I never had to deal with moving a grave and I don't even want to bring up the fact, that after so many years there might not even be anything left to move.
"I don't know; I don't want to hurt their feelings."
"Christian, they are your parents, they know you love them and I'm sure they are going to help you in any way they can or would you be disappointed in Sam if one day he wants to know what happened to his birth parents?"
"No, I wouldn't, but then again he hasn't put us through hell and back, like I have done with my parents." He says absentmindedly.
"Would you love him less if he did?" I ask with a smile and he scowls.
"No more psychology classes for you, Mrs. Grey." He mutters and I laugh.
"Well, I am married to you, so they do come in handy from time to time."
"Careful, I may still need some time to recover completely, but that doesn't mean I can't spank you." He says with a smirk and then puts me to my feet before he gets up.
"I'll get my parents; can you wait here?"
"Sure." I reply and while he is gone I look at the picture of his birth mother. She was a very pretty young girl, actually, I can see a lot of similarities between her, Phoebe and Aria. Both my girls have the same beautiful hair, dimples and nose that Ella had and I wonder how I would react if one of my daughter's would come home one day while they are in high school and tell me that they are pregnant. Would I be disappointed? Yes, of course, but above all I would be mad at myself, because I didn't manage to explain to them how important contraception is and that it is best to wait with sex until they are a bit older and more mature to deal with the consequences that can come from being sexually active. What I can't see myself doing is kicking them out like Ella's parents did to her.
Of course, the times were different back then, being a teen mom was even more frowned upon than it is now, but it wasn't the end of the world. At the very least they could have involved CPS. Even then there have been places young mothers could live with their children, she didn't have to end up the way she did if there had been only one person in this world who truly cared about her. Instead the poor girl was pregnant and on her own, must have met the wrong people and ended up the way she did.
She was just a child who made all the wrong choices and in the end she took her own life, because she couldn't find a way out for herself anymore.
It's sad to know, that with the right help, she could still be alive and in this moment, I make a mental note to look into building a Safe Haven in Detroit, only this one will not just be for children, but also for pregnant girls with nowhere to go… maybe we can name it in honor of Christian's birthmother, so that her name won't be forgotten and that what happened to her, can in the end lead to something positive.
A few moments later we are all sitting on the two small sofas in Christian's study where he has my hand in a death grip while he explains to his parents what he remembered and that he wants to move her grave. To my surprise they both seem very calm and Grace speaks up first.
"When we adopted you, we wanted to know more about where you came from, I actually met with some of Ella's former teachers and neighbors. So if you have any questions you can ask me." She says surprising both of us.
"Why did you do that?" Christian wants to know.
"Well, first of all I wanted to know about the woman who gave birth to my son, but also… well what you remembered about Ella, I know it is true." She says and clears her throat.
"I have read her autopsy report. There is no way that she overdosed by accident, not with the amount of drugs found in her system even days after her passing. She knew what she was doing and… I just had to find out why there wasn't anyone who cared enough about her to help her before it was too late." She then explains.
"What did those people tell you about her?"
"Ella was a very good student, she spent most of her time studying for school, she was a bit of a loner and very shy. Her home life wasn't the best, her mother was a lovely woman, on that everyone agreed, after she passed away Ella was alone with her father and younger sister…."
"What, I have a biological aunt? Why have you never mentioned that to me?" Christian asks immediately.
"Christian, darling, you never wanted to talk about Ella, you got so angry even at the thought of her that we decided not to bring Jennifer up."
"What happened to her?"
"When their mother died the maternal grandparents took her in, because she was still an infant. They wanted to take Ella in too, but the court decided it was best for Ella to stay with her father. The grandparents passed away when Ella was about thirteen, by this time her father had already re-married and his new wife didn't want to be bothered with another child, so Jennifer has been adopted by the parents of her best friend in school. When she was eighteen she tried to find her sister, but sadly Ella had already committed suicide by then. She found out about you and that you were adopted, so she tracked us down to meet you. You've been nine years old and we explained to her that it wouldn't be good for you to meet her, she understood but asked us to send her a picture of you from time to time to which we have agreed. Jennifer has her own family, she lives in Vermont with her husband and their three children. We still talk on the phone a couple of times each year and well… she asked me to tell you that whenever you are ready you can just stop by at her place, her door is always open for you."
"I don't know; I have to think about it… do you know where Ella has been buried?"
"Yes, her grave is in Detroit, your aunt visits it twice a year and has someone who makes sure it not overgrown
"I was thinking about moving her grave to Seattle, do you think her sister would agree to that?"
"Well, I'm sure Jennifer wouldn't mind, though I guess it would be only fair to talk to her about it."
"Is it possible to move a grave after so many years?" I ask, because I just can't imagine that after so many years there is much left to be moved.
"Ella has been cremated, the urn should be still intact, so yes, it is possible to move her grave to Seattle, legally Carrick will know best how to approach this."
"Why was she cremated?" Christian asks and I close my eyes, because I'm sure I know the reason.
"Christian, your mother has been highly addicted to drugs, those chemicals they… well they are toxic so after she passed away her body desiccated much faster as normal, by the time she was found the process was already too advanced to stop it in order to prepare her for a proper funeral, so it was the only option to cremate her.
When I look up at Christian he has his eyes closed and I know he is thinking back to the days he was locked into their apartment with her body.
"Don't remember her like that, remember her the she way she wanted you to." I whisper into his ear and he slowly opens his eyes and nods.
After Carrick explained what we have to do to move her grave Christian and I decide to go for a quick walk at the beach.
"So, how do you feel about having a biological aunt and cousins?" I ask and he shrugs.
"I don't know, I would like to meet her, talk to her, but if recent events have shown me anything, then it is that just because someone is related by blood it doesn't mean that any good will come from it."
"I don't believe that your aunt will be anything like that man." I say because I absolutely refuse to call him Christian's father, that is a title which solely belongs to Carrick Grey.
"Why?"
"Think about it, she knew where to find you since you have been nine years old, she knows who you are today, but all she ever wanted was a picture of you. That doesn't sound like someone who is out to harm you or your family."
"I'll think about it, can you give me a moment alone to process this news, I will be out to spend some time with the kids in a few minutes." He asks and I would rather stay with him, but he has to figure out if he wants to meet his aunt by himself. So, I get up and kiss him.
"Don't overthink this too much, you don't have to make a permanent part of your life." I say as I leave and he gives me a small smile and opens his laptop, most likely to find more information about his aunt. I'm not sure how this is going to play out, but I'm pretty sure that we will be making a trip to Vermont in our very near future…
