What about Us?
Chapter Two
I was a boat stuck in a bottle
That never got the chance to touch the sea
Just forgot on the shelf
No wind in the sails
Going no where with no one but me
I was one in one-hundred billion
A burned out star in a galaxy
Just lost in the sky wondering why
Everyone else shines out but me
But
I came to life when I first kissed you
The best me has his arms around you
You make me better than I was before
Thank God I'm yours
I was a worn out set of shoes
Wandering the city street
Another face in the crowd
Head looking down
Lost in the sound of a lonely melody
Empty pockets at a roulette
Always landing on a lost bet
Just live for the spin and hope for the win
Go all in just to lose again
Russel Dickerson
The first couple of weeks were spent in a fog and slowly turned into a month that he had been gone. A month of not hearing his voice or seeing his face. She knew she wouldn't hear from him at first because of training and travel but it didn't make it any easier. She was still angry at him, but at the same time she understood why he had to go. He was searching right now and she owed him the chance to find what he needed. None of that changed how much she missed him though.
"Will Uncle Rafa be at my soccer game this weekend?" Noah asked over breakfast one morning, "There are only three games left in the season."
Olivia looked at him and sighed she had done her best to explain to him how long Rafael would be gone but there was only so much that a five year old could understand. "No, my Love, remember he is going to be gone for a while."
"How long?" He asked again.
"Well, you have to finish pre-K and have your summer break, and then he should be back before you start kindergarten." She told him doing her best to put it in terms he could understand.
"That's a long time, Momma. Why is he going to be gone so long?" He questioned.
"He's helping people Noah. People who need him." She explained and changed the subject, "Come on now my love, we need to get to school."
After dropping Noah at school she stopped for a cup of coffee, she had found a new cart it was too painful to go to their old cart. She did her best to avoid memories of him. That of course was impossible because memories of him were everywhere. You never realize how much someone is intertwined in your life until they are gone. She greeted her team as she walked through the squad room to her office dropping her things and turning on her laptop to check her email. Her heat skipped when she saw his name at the top.
Dear Liv,
I'm sorry I haven't written before, the training was so intense I barely had time to sleep then we were traveling. We are settled in for a while now though. I am in Turkey and will be here for a couple of months as I begin to take on some client refugees. The process of relocating them to the U.S. is hard and the current administration is not making it easier. It's good work though Liv, I don't have to ask myself what the right thing to do is, I just have to fight for my clients. Fight to get them a better life, a safe life. Liv, there are so many children here, it would break your heart. When I look at them I see Noah and I think about what I would want someone to do for him.
I miss you Liv, more than I can say. I know that I have hurt you Liv and if there was any way that I could change that I would. I hope that you can forgive me. I meant what I said before I left Liv, you are the future that I want, that hasn't changed. I would not be here doing what I am without you making me the man that I am. I know I can't ask you to wait for me but know that even across the ocean I am yours.
I have to go now Liv. Hug Noah for me please.
Always Yours,
Rafa
She could almost hear the warmth of his voice in the words on her screen. She found herself touching the screen, as if he were some kind of genie trapped in a bottle. She tried to picture him in Turkey but of course she had no real frame of reference for it except things that she had seen on the news. She chuckled at the mental image of him in a three piece suit walking through a refugee camp.
"News from Barba?" Fin asked from her doorway.
Liv nervously closed her laptop and fidgeted with her glasses hating that her longtime friend could read her so well.
"Yes," she confirmed not bothering to try and deny it, "He's in Turkey trying to help refugees get their visas."
"He went a hell of a long way to try and serve his penance." Fin said shaking his head.
"He's finding himself," She added dryly, "Did you need something?"
"Stone wants to know where we are with that evidence." He told her.
Liv laughed, "So he called you not me."
Fin shrugged, "I think he's still scared of you."
Liv rolled her eyes, "Tell him were working on it. Then let's get it done with so we can hand it over to him and let him see just how easy this job is."
Fin nodded as he left her office wondering how this first case was going to go if the head of SVU and the ADA weren't speaking to each other. He had hoped in the moth that Barba had been gone and Stone had been officially relocating from Chicago to New York the animosity might have simmered but that did not seem to be the case. He knew that Liv was professional though and would pull through when she had to for the victim.
Evidence in the case was hard to find and the clock ran out before they could find what they needed.
"Release him, assign a patrol car to keep an eye on him and we'll start fresh in the morning, go home everyone. " She finally told them when they had run out of options.
"So is that how it works in SVU, give up and go home when you don't have evidence." Peter Stone said announcing his presence in the squad room.
Liv resisted the urge to turn and glare at him and kept her eyes on her team who were waiting for her reaction," Go home guys this case is going to require all we have and a god night sleep is going to make that possible." He team nodded and began to gather their belongings largely ignoring Stone's presence.
"Did you need something, MR. Stone?' She asked coolly she couldn't even bring herself to call him Counselor because that felt too personal after Rafael.
"I just thought I'd see how things were going. I understand Barba worked very closely with you all and I want you to know I intend to do the same." He informed her.
Liv crossed the squad room to stand closer to him, "Barba was very much part of our team, that was a position that he earned through years of working with us and learning from us, and establishing trust. It is not a positon that is just given to a new ADA upon assignment. We'll call you when we need you." She snapped before turning back to her office, the sound of her heels against the floor the only sound in the room.
BarsonBarsonBarson
After Noah was in bed she settled herself ono the couch with a glass of wine. A few times over the las month she had let herself imagine that there would be a knock at the door, that he would have come back to her, now though she knew there would be no knock. She flipped open her laptop and reread his message before starting one of her own. She started and stopped, typed words and then deleted them over and over again unsure of what to say to him until finally letting it all out.
Rafa,
I don't think you know how hard it has been the last month with no word from you, for the past few years we have barely gone a day without speaking and now you are gone. You are off on this grand new adventure and I am left alone picking up the pieces. I found a new coffee cart because I was tired of being asked when you were coming back to work. Noah doesn't understand why you aren't coming to his soccer games. I've tried to tell him you are helping people. Do you want to know what he says? "But Mommy he can help people in New York." He's right you know there are still plenty of people in New York who need our help. Oh that reminds me Peter Stone is now in your role, your office, and my squad room, so thanks for that.
OK, so now that I've gotten out how pissed I am at you let me tell you how proud I am of you. You are doing good work Rafael. Those people need someone as smart as you to help and I know you will give it your all.
Basically that's it, I'm pissed at you and I am proud of you. Oh, and I miss you so much that it physically hurts somedays. Stay safe Rafa, Noah and I need you to come home.
Waiting for You,
Liv
She hit send and closed the laptop, she had just told him that she was waiting for him, she had not intended to write that but it had just come out. An honest ending to an honest letter because no matter how pissed she was at him the fact was that nobody could take Rafael Barba's place in her life.
TBC
