Comparative
"Hey, check out what this one guy posted on our message board on iCarly," Freddie said as him, Sam and Carly as in the studio. "Hey Carly and Sam, I love your videos so much, especially your random debates. Yesterday, I completely forgot that I was supposed to have topic prepared for my social studies class for a mock debate that would count for half my final grade. So when I was called up, instead of admitting defeat, I began debating about whether garbage or medicine is more useful. My teacher was so impressed that I got an A."
"Wow, that's hilarious," Carly laughed, looking up from the magazine she was reading.
"Yeah," Sam nodded. "You know, we should do another random debate sometime."
"Go for it," Carly shrugged. "I never do them. It's always you and Freddie, and sometimes Gibby or Spencer that do them."
"Eh, I'll pass then," Sam said, looking over at Freddie.
Freddie rolled his eyes as he sat down on the third beanbag chair.
"Hey, you wanna hear something really hilarious?" Carly grinned.
"Um, always," Sam nodded.
Carly cleared her throat and began to read from her magazine. "A comparative research study has recently led experts to conclude that there is a definite linkage between the hair color of a female and her kissing abilities."
"What?" Sam laughed. "I think it's time you stop buying those magazine, Carls. That's even more crazy than that recipe for those homemade face masks you tried from last issue."
"They made our skin a little softer," Carly defended. "But this article's absolutely ridiculous. I mean, are you telling me that blondes, brunettes, and red heads all really have different kissing abilities just because of their hair colors?"
"Doesn't sound like a very sound research study," Freddie said. "There are a ton of extraneous variables at play, like-"
"You're extraneous," Sam snapped.
"You don't even know what that means," Freddie retorted.
"I don't care, you still are extronious or whatever it was," Sam shrugged.
"You know, I'm sure this is all just a load of garbage," Carly said thoughtfully. "But…you think that maybe it's just a little true?"
"What do you mean?" Sam frowned.
"Well, it could be possible," Carly said. "Even if it just plays a tiny factor in kissing ability."
"Well then go ask a guy who's kissed two chicks with different hair colors and ask him if you must," Sam said, somewhat amused.
"We don't have to look very far," Carly smirked, looking over at Freddie.
"Um…what-what are you talking about?" Freddie asked hesitantly.
"Well, you've kissed me, a brunette," Carly said. "And Sam, a blonde, so tell us; who's the better kisser?"
"Oh, um, I-I have a pot pie in the oven at home and-" Freddie began.
"Don't waste your breath, Carls," Sam said as Freddie was about to run out of the studio. "I already asked him who he thought was a better kisser. When we were doing that You're In Luck game on iCarly. He wouldn't answer me."
"Oh come on, Freddie, don't be a baby," Carly said. "Just answer the question."
"No!" Freddie moaned.
"Why?"
"Because, like I told Sam," Freddie said. "If I say Sam, your feelings will be hurt, and if I say you, Sam will kick me in bad places."
"What if we swear that we won't get mad or sad or…kicky, in any way?" Carly said. She turned to Sam. "If Freddie answers, will you agree to that?"
"Can't you just drop this?" Sam groaned. "The article's obviously not true, so why can't you just-"
"Agree or I'm canceling that fried chicken order!" Carly hissed.
"Okay, okay, fine!" Sam conceded. "I swear I won't hurt you, Fredwad."
"Well…I still don't want to have to say which one of you is the better kisser," Freddie sighed. "It will be awkward and-"
"Ah, but you admit that one of us does kiss better," Carly said.
"Well I guess, but-"
"So just say me or Sam," Carly said. "It's for science! I thought you loved science!"
"I do! But science was never supposed to turn against me like this!"
"Freddie…please, for me and Sam?" Carly pouted.
"I-I-I don't remember!" Freddie said, happy to have finally found a usable excuse to get out of answering the question. "Yeah, um, it-it was over a year ago for both of you."
"Fine," Carly shrugged. "Just kiss us again and-"
"Whoa, hey! I didn't sign up for that!" Sam exclaimed.
"Don't you want to know if one of us is a better kisser?"
"Not really, if I'm gonna have to go through that to find out!"
"Freddie," Carly said firmly. "Will you stop being such a baby and just answer the question?"
"Just do it before she goes berserk, Fredwad," Sam sighed.
"Um-Um, I-" Freddie stuttered as the girls began advancing on him.
"Hey! You guys!" Spencer said, bursting into the studio. "I just found my old coupon book that I bought from this boy scout at the water park last month and all the coupons in there are about to expire. Who wants to come with me and have a fun day of savings?"
"Me!" Freddie said at once. He threw his arms around the man. "Thank you. Thank you so much."
"Well gee, I didn't know anyone could be this excited about getting thirty percent off a haircut and shampoo," Spencer said, patting Freddie's back awkwardly.
"Wait!" Carly said. "He has to answer-"
"Come on, Spencer!" Freddie said, grabbing Spencer's arm and pulling him out of the studio. "Let's get to those savings!"
"Man, what was going on in there?" Spencer asked as the two headed downstairs.
"Any guys worst nightmare," Freddie said. "They were trying to get me to tell them who the better kisser was, you know, since I've kissed both of them."
"Oh jeez, that's the worst thing you can wish on a dude," Spencer shuddered.
"Yeah, I know," Freddie nodded. "So thanks for saving me."
"No problem," Spencer said. "I've had my fair share of those troublesome encounters."
"Really?"
"Yeah, a couple of years ago, those two ex-girlfriends that I backed over with my truck met up and tried to plot my death," Spencer said. "And if I hadn't looked real carefully in my yogurt, I don't think we'd be having this conversation right now."
"Yeah…that's the same thing," Freddie nodded, giving Spencer a strange look.
"So where do you wanna head first?" Spencer asked, grabbing his car keys. "The bakery, for five dollars off a fifty dollar bread purchase? Or Tire Tiki, for a free tire rotation and Hawaiian lea?"
"Um…I could for some bread," Freddie chuckled.
"Than off to the bakery it is!" Spencer said loudly. "Come along, young Fredwad!"
As Freddie headed out of the apartment after Spencer, he thought back to that study Carly had told them about. The more he thought about it, the more ridiculous it became, hair color determining kissing ability…who would believe such nonsense?
Although…maybe there was a slight chance…after all, though he would never tell Carly or Sam, the two did have very different kissing abilities, at least to him. One girl had left his lips feeling empty and incomplete, while the other…the other had made them hungry for her lips every time he would lay eyes on them, even now, when they were no longer together.
"What kind of bread should we get?" Spencer asked. "Pumpernickel? Italian? French? Maybe some baguettes or rolls? Or we can get some of each! How exciting!"
Freddie rolled his eyes at Spencer's fascination with the bread as he returned to his own thoughts.
Yes, Carly and Sam had different kissing abilities, there was no denying that, but he still couldn't bring himself to believe it had anything to do with their hair color. That was just insane.
But…in the rare, unlikely even that that was somehow true, he supposed he would have to consider himself a blonde lover.
