Chapter 11: Forgiveness Must Be Earned

Draco headed for Ravenclaw tower first, simply because it was closer than Hagrid's hut and it made more sense to start there. He knew its location, having entertained himself with a number of Ravenclaw witches in his past, and that there was a riddle to gain entrance instead of a password. This did not deter him as he was quite determined to find Hermione and do what a Malfoy had surely never done before; admit that he was wrong, apologize and beg for forgiveness.

The riddle wasn't anything too taxing. He didn't cheat his way to second highest marks, after all. I mean, really, "What can you put in a barrel to make it lighter"? Child's play. He was striding through the Ravenclaw common room in the blink of an eye, steadfastly refusing to look away from the hostile glares he was receiving from all corners of the room. Arcs of the room? It was round so…whatever. Not important.

"I'm looking for Granger," he announced. "Tiny witch with more hair than I thought humanly possible? Bigger brain than all of you lot put together, though I'm sure you don't want to admit that, eh? Best friends with Scarhead and Weaselbee? Ringing any bells?"

"She isn't here," came a dreamy voice from the back of the room. Did circles have backs? "She isn't in Ravenclaw, you know. She's a lioness."

"Yes, Looney…er…Lovegood. Oddly enough, I was aware of that fact. We actually share a common room right now."

"Oh, then why aren't you looking for her there? Seems the logical place to look," Luna responded with a half smile.

Draco was pretty sure the witch knew the answer to that already. Why she was acting like a daft bint he had no idea. She couldn't be as dim as she acted since she was in Ravenclaw. He reminded himself that they were cousins of a sort and his father had held her prisoner for a little while and that meant he should be nice and he shouldn't hex the girl, much as he wanted to right now. "She isn't there and it was suggested that she might be here, with friends."

"Oh. That's nice. I don't know anyone here who is friends with her, but I'll help you look in any case," the blonde offered.

"I thought you were friends with her," Draco responded in confusion.

"That's sweet of you. We're more acquaintances, really. I think she thinks I'm a bit funny in the head, you see, but she tolerates me well enough. Did you want my help, Draco? I'm sure with two sets of eyes, that we'll find her twice as fast."

Draco contemplated the strange girl. She was very straightforward for someone with such a reputation of whimsy and a touch of madness. She was odd and he didn't know why she wanted to help the boy who had helped keep her prisoner but she didn't treat him like he was a leper and that was more than he could say for the rest of the school.

"I appreciate the offer of your assistance," he responded with every bit of genteelism instilled in him since birth. "Shall we?" Draco extended his arm in invitation.

"Oh, that won't be necessary. She's down at Hagrid's old hut. I saw her head that way an hour ago. She looked quite upset, you know. Determined, but upset. Like she had made a decision but wasn't very happy about it. Her head was surrounded by wrackspurts." Lovegood nodded sagely as if that explained everything. Then she smiled from ear to ear and clapped in delight. "See, I told you two sets of eyes would find her faster!"

Draco wanted to strangle the strange witch currently beaming at him but there were laws against abusing the mentally ill and she had to be mad as a damned hatter. There was no other explanation. Clenching his teeth in a simulacrum of a smile, he thanked her and left without a backwards glance, glad to be rid of the loon yet feeling he had missed something important.

Regretting going to Ravenclaw Tower when he should have just headed straight to the groundskeeper's hut, Draco picked up his pace, hoping she hadn't relocated already. Just his luck, September in Scotland was in full swing and it had gotten chilly, and wet. By the time he arrived at the little shack he was wet clear through and shivering. It was a sign of how sincerely distraught he was that it didn't even occur to him to use magic to dry off and warm up.

Forgoing a knock, Draco let himself into the former home of their former keeper of keys, sagging in relief at the sight of crazy corkscrew curls huddled in front of a roaring fire. He closed the door against the damp and removed his robe and shoes, stepping towards the source of heat and light and the fire, too, and sitting down next to the witch he had seriously wronged. He guessed he should have been worried that she didn't yell or scream or hex him. Rather she ignored him completely as if he wasn't even there. When she did finally speak, he kind of wished she had continued to ignore him.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Hermione knew he was coming long before he arrived. Luna had sent her patronus hopping along ahead of him to give her the warning and the wards she had set alerted her as soon as he got within 50 meters of the hut. When he entered the room and got comfortable beside her, as if nothing had happened between them, as if he hadn't done what he'd done, she took a few minutes to compose herself to ensure when she spoke she could do so with a steady voice.

"When I was younger, my grandmere was charged with watching me. She gave me my love of books and logic. It was just her and me most days and she treated me like an adult. We had discussions of all manner of things and she never grew tired of my questions. Then, when I was 6 or so, I went away to primary school instead of to her cottage. "

Hermione's heart hurt a bit thinking of the grandmother she had lost that first year of primary school. As if the year hadn't been hard enough, her grandmother had fallen ill and hadn't recovered. She shook off the memory of her beloved grandparent diminished in a hospital bed and continued her tale.

"I thought this is going to be grand. I'll meet more children and we'll read and talk and solve puzzles and learn together. But all of the children were dull and stupid, at least compared to me, and they didn't want to talk to me or read with me or solve my puzzles. They thought me odd and called me names. They made fun of my hair and my freckles and my intelligence and made me feel small and unwanted."

She sniffled a bit remembering how the other kids had treated her and made her feel.

"My first bit of magic happened at school the next year. A group of kids were calling me 'bucktooth beaver' and 'bin head', they used to throw things in my hair to see if it would stick, and I just wanted them to stop. I wanted them to go away. I wanted to be anywhere but there. I disappeared. I don't know where I went but I was gone for two days. My family was frantic. My picture had been put on the news. The police were called."

Hermione remembered turning back up in the schoolyard, the sky darker than when she had left, and walking home to find officers in her sitting room and parents who were at first relieved that she had turned up and then worried that she didn't remember where she had been, and then angry when she insisted she had just disappeared, like magic, no matter how many times they tried to get her to come up with a more reasonable, logical, plausible answer.

"The other kids laughed. Said I had run away because I was a big baby and maybe I should stay home with mummy and daddy. As I got older, and my hair got bigger and my teeth got bigger and I didn't get any prettier or even much taller, and I certainly didn't get any dumber, any more average and normal and acceptable, the names just got worse. The accidental magic did too and then they called me a freak along with everything else. Until one day, they stopped."

Hermione chanced a glance out of the corner of her eye at the warm mass at her side. He was staring at the fire, jaw clenched in anger. On her behalf? Who knew? She looked away before he noticed her regard.

"Not because the kids had suddenly decided they had had enough with their bullying ways. Not because they learned to appreciate my intelligence or because I got prettier or because I changed myself to suit them. No, they just decided I wasn't worth it anymore. To the point that they ignored me, completely, for an entire year. Nobody spoke to me. Nobody sat next to me. Nobody played with me. Nobody even looked at me. They didn't even bother cheating off of my work anymore. I became invisible. Even the teachers ignored me outside of when they called on me to answer a question in class."

Hermione recalled going entire days without speaking a word to anyone. There were days she didn't raise her hand just to see if anyone would talk to her, if any of the teachers would ask her what was wrong. But none of them did. Maybe they were secretly glad the insufferable know it all had finally shut up.

"And then I got my letter and finally it made sense. I was extraordinary because I had magic in my blood. I wanted to learn everything about this world that was where I was meant to be, where I would belong. I got here and it was grade school all over again. 'Swot', 'bushy-haired', 'beaver', 'insufferable know it all', 'nightmare', 'ugly', 'mudblood'."

She heard him hiss in a breath at that but ignored him. She needed to get it out before she lost her nerve, gave in to her need for acceptance, told him to forget about it and offered to cuddle on the floor and share potion's notes.

"I still didn't fit in. Everyone was still dull and stupid and they still didn't want to talk to me or read with me or sit next to me. Things changed, of course, except where they didn't. I wasn't going to be accepted by this world because I was too different just like I was too different to be accepted by the muggles. And that's fine. It is. I'm fine being different. I'm fine being extraordinary. I'm fine having a few close friends. I thought I had made another. Thought I found someone who knew the kind of crazy I was going through and could accept me. But I was wrong again. The names are just different now. Funny how a woman can be a slag and a whore with only two lovers under her belt. I think I prefer 'swot' and 'mudblood' to be honest."

Hermione didn't bother looking at Draco to see how he was responding to her story. She just wanted him to leave so she could get some sleep and prepare for her classes tomorrow and pretend the last week hadn't happened. Draco apparently had other ideas because his voice filled the small room.

"I was raised by house elves. Until I was 5 or 6 I didn't know they were supposed to be inferior beings. They doted on me. My parents were…well, my father was a very important and very busy man and my mother spoiled me and ignored me in turns. When I was old enough, my father scheduled me in to learn to be a pureblood gentleman. You can guess what my lessons were like. I was told I was the best, deserved only the best, and then I came here and you proved me wrong. You upended everything I believed in. If that wasn't enough, every time I went home I got to hear about what a disappointment I was because a mudblood had beat me again.

"Not that it excuses anything. I was a little shit. Still am, it seems. I never learned to share. I never learned to handle disappointment well. I certainly never learned to handle rejection. At all. I lashed out. I didn't mean any of it and you didn't deserve any of it and I am genuinely, honestly sorry. Please, Hermione, forgive me for being an unmitigated ass."

Hermione contemplated it. She did. She forgave easily, always wanting acceptance whether she wanted to admit it or not. He seemed sincere. She believed him and she wanted to forgive him and just get this day over with. But…

"No," she said. "I don't forgive you. What you did was out of line and I shouldn't have to forgive you. You shouldn't expect it of me. You need to grow up and learn to control yourself, learn to deal with disappointment and rejection like an adult. Words have power, Draco. Yours hurt me and I've had enough hurt for this lifetime."

She felt rather than saw him stand. He moved away from the fire and she heard the sound of him putting his robe and shoes back on. "I understand and I am sorry. You don't have to stay out here. Come back to the dorm when you're ready. I promise to leave you alone. You won't even know I'm there," he promised from the doorway.

Hermione nodded once, eyes still locked on the dancing flames in the fireplace. The door clicked shut and Hermione curled up on Hagrid's bed, unable to escape the feeling that she had just made a mistake.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Draco trudged back through the mist, shoulders heavy with the weight of his most recent screw up. He had let his impulsiveness ruin something very new but potentially very good. Again. But he hadn't been lying. He didn't handle rejection and disappointment well and he had no intention of letting this stay ruined. He was used to getting what he wanted and he was tired of being angry and depressed and alone. So he would give her space and he would keep his distance and he would show her that he could change, could mature.

And then, he would do what Malfoys do best. He would get exactly what he wanted. And if that was still her, then Merlin help anyone who stood between them, be they friends or lovers. And they better not be lovers. Until then, though, he still had to make it through the daily grind and he really was tired of being alone. Perhaps he needed to make some friends.

He contemplated Slytherin House, quickly dismissing that option since, you know, they kind of wanted him dead or at least a distant memory they didn't have to stare at every day. He would never, ever, ever befriend a Hufflepuff. Ever. He was pretty sure there was only one Gryffindor who wasn't currently terrified of him or wanting to kick his ass. And the only Ravenclaw giving him the time of day was certifiable.

Well, if he could survive Pansy, he was sure he could survive Longbottom and Lovegood. And they had the added benefit of being friends with one Hermione whatever-her-middle-name-was Granger. If he got in good with them, they could put in a good word with her. Decision made, Draco wasted no time in setting his plan into motion. First stop, Neville Longbottom.

He let himself stay wet and ragged, figuring it made him look as pathetic as he was actually feeling, and knocked dejectedly, hoping it was the tall wizard who answered and not one of the others. It seemed his luck was turning around a bit because Longbottom opened the door a moment later, apparently took pity on him, and pulled him inside. Draco was a bit nervous when the notoriously clumsy wizard pointed his wand in Draco's direction but a second later he found himself once again dry and warm.

"Thanks," he mumbled. "I tried your advice. Didn't work out so well, mate."

Neville looked confused for a moment. "Did you expect her to just kiss and make up just like that? Blimey, don't you know anything about women? Don't worry, she'll come around. She forgives; I told you. She doesn't hold grudges."

"No, I think she means it. She's staying in that hut and won't even come back to the dorm; she's so angry. She said she doesn't forgive me. That she won't and that I shouldn't even ask her to." Draco didn't have to fake the hurt in his voice, even if he was somewhat misrepresenting their interaction.

"She will. Hang in there. I'll talk to her tomorrow and see where her head is. Meanwhile, looks like you could use a drink. I've got some firewhiskey," Longbottom offered.

"I just want to sleep and pretend this day never happened. Thanks, though," Draco answered, making sure to look extra upset even though he wanted to crow at Longbottom's quick offer to talk to Hermione on his behalf. This was almost too easy. "I guess I'll see you around."

Draco dragged himself back to the doorway, head hung low and shoulders slumped. He made it one step out into the hall before he heard a shouted "wait" and hid his smirk just in time for the lanky wizard to grab him by the arm and spin him around.

"Look," he started a bit hesitantly. "I know we haven't gotten along and don't have too much in common but, well, it looks like you're trying to change and I think that should count for something. I guess what I'm saying is…my door is open if you need someone to talk to or study with or whatever."

Inwardly, Draco was crowing. Outwardly he schooled his features to show humility and nodded, a quick dip of his head to show acceptance. "Might take you up on that," he replied before turning and trudging back to his empty dorm.

Tomorrow he would approach the lunatic and play nice. She might not think she was friends with Hermione, but she was close enough to be useful and that was all that mattered to Draco. Malfoys always got what they wanted and he wasn't going to be the one to break that streak. Not when the stakes were so high.