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Chapter 13
Rhaegar stared at the letter. When the servant brought it in, Rhaegar, mindful of Jon Arryn's pointed advice, had been looking at a map of the city and lists of structures which either required rebuilding or tearing down. There was also a list of potential petitioners he was to sift through for his next public audience. Because of that he had not been paying much attention to anything else. He had just waved to his desk and the lad placed it where he indicated and he gave very little thought to what the servant left the room.
When he truly looked at it, he furrowed his brow; he had not been expecting any personal correspondence. It was when he turned the letter over that his expression grew grim and he put the thing down and sat back. The sigil imprinted within the wax seal enclosing the letter Rhaegar did recognize. He could not help but sigh; still, he did not open the letter. Instead, he just stared at, wondering what he should do with it.
As the minutes ticked by he could not bring himself to touch letter again though he knew he should open it to read the content inside. Eventually, he took a deep breath and just pried the letter open. It was better to know what was inside the letter than for it to be known that he could not find it in himself to do a simple thing such as open a letter meant for his eyes.
A letter would not usually disturb him, but, this one was not one of the usual letters he would receive. If anyone looked at the piece of parchment one would think there was nothing particularly unusual about receiving a letter. In truth, because there was not much written on the parchment it was little more than a note; yet, it was not the nature of the words or lack of a wordy missive which made it unusual. Whatever he would call it, there was nothing "usual" about something, be it a note or letter, written by Ned Stark.
He knew he had promised to keep Lord Stark apprised of his son's progress, though given Jon's age there was not going to be much to report at this juncture. Only the letter did not ask only about Jon's health. It brought forth a question, in the form of asking if Rhaegar had reconsidered his offer to foster Jon with him.
He flushed; remembering his stilted experiences with the man. Still, that was not the only reason for Rhaegar's flush. Rhaegar ordinarily would have been angry at the notion of anyone suggesting that he could send Jon to his uncle, but, he was not and could not be in this instance. Rhaegar's reaction was tempered because he knew the man had made the offer in good faith and because Rhaegar contemplated the same question; likely for the same reasons Ned Stark did; both because of Jon's interest and because of Lyanna.
Lyanna. He flushed deeper. He swallows thickly as he closes his eyes; remembering both the sweet promise of their relationship's beginning and the cold, unforgiving way it ended, and the mess it left behind.
He clutched the letter in one hand while he ran his other across his forehead. With one more look at the letter he sighed again and stood. If Ned Stark wrote a letter he would expect one in return no matter what the response was. There was very little else he could give Ned Stark the other man would welcome. He owed him that.
Having no reason to leave the Solar this early in the morning, his opening the door surprised Ser Barristan who was on duty just outside the room. Letter in hand and lost in his thoughts he said nothing as he trekked through the Keep with the other man trailing just as silently behind him.
Once at the nursery it was no surprise to see Ser Darry, a member of the Kingsguard, and a nurse carrying Daenerys, but, to his surprise Elia was nowhere to be seen. Ser Willem Darry was sitting with Aegon who kept his hands clutched in the older knight's as a part of a newly implemented effort to learn how to keep himself steady on his own feet, while Jon, much to the amusement of Ser Oswell Whent, in trying to join his older brother, kept attempting to push himself up on his own hands.
Seeing the last he remembered why he came to the nursery. Frowning, looking around the room, he cleared his throat. he said, "Was Her Grace not expected in the nursery this morning?" After breakfast Elia usually spent some time in the nursery and should have been there.
Ser Oswell bowed his head slightly before replying, "She had been here. Her Grace left to assist Princess Mellario and Princess Cersei with the final preparations today only Prince Oberyn took his oldest girls out to the practice yard along with Princess Arianne and Prince Viserys. Ser Oswell laughs, "I believe the Prince had asked her to join them at the training yard after. The Prince had been quite vocal about intending on testing Ser Jaime at the sword before the Princes' return to Dorne." The knight ended that with a laugh as if it was quaint that the two men would bond that way.
He nodded. Though there was no point in waiting for Elia just yet, but, he decided to sit down and watch his sons at their play for a while. Perhaps that would help him answer the missive. First looking at his eldest son he could imagine how much Aegon would favor him when he grew. He almost smiled; Aegon looked so much like him. From what he could remember of Viserys at that age, he looked rather similar, as well.
Turning to Jon, Rhaegar froze. His eyes. Lyanna's eyes. On most days even though Jon's looks are different from his, he sees Elia holding him and it easy to tell himself their Rhaenys has darker coloring as well. Today, and because of what that letter dragged from the recesses of his mind, though he tries to avoid such thoughts, looking at Jon pains him. Now he is reminded of the things he had done, the things he should not have done; and the things he should have done better.
It shames him now, but, when he first heard that Lyanna had given birth, Jon was not the child he hoped for. As much as he wishes he could ignore that nothing can change how he felt at the time. He loves his son, but, how does one overcome knowing he felt disappointment at the birth of a healthy child? He cringes inwardly. He remembers being unsatisfied with two healthy children, why would having a third be any different? It was his failing; never being satisfied with what he had.
It did not sit well in his mind, but, he knew he could have done what most do and sent his son elsewhere to be raised without recrimination, but, the guilt of his earlier actions weighed on him. It compelled him to do more for his child, and that is why he not only decided to keep Jon with him but legitimized him as well. The letter is proof that that he could have given Jon to his uncle who was honorable enough to keep him well. He does not like to think on it because the thought is ugly even to his own mind, but, there are moments when thinks he should have done exactly that.
He remembers coming high off of his victory and being told of Jon's birth and he cannot help but close his eyes in disgust at himself. After his destined defeat of Robert he was so sure of everything. It was so easy then; to think that simply because it was destined that the situation would settle itself on its own; to believe that his dreams would come to life. Yes, he was victorious and even became king, but the rest of his dreams had been in shambles. He is repulsed by how he acted when he arrived at the Tower after the Battle at the Trident. He tore apart the kingdom and he was more disappointed he was about not having the daughter he wanted when he learned Lyanna died and he had a living, healthy son.
Looking at his son now, feeling the letter in his hands he sees the Stark, the Lyanna, in Jon. How could he not? He can not say that he does fails to enjoy knowing that his son is with him, but, every time he sees his son, and though he knows he is fortunate that he has Jon and he has most of his family with him, he can note help but think of Lyanna. He can not fail to think of how his dreams killed her.
He should have never taken her. Even if she wanted to go with him, even if she loved him and even if he loved her. Perhaps she would have been unhappy in her marriage to Robert Baratheon but at least the both of them would have been alive; many more would have.
Lyanna had been more than others her age; so intent on asserting her independence from the confines of the life her father intended for her. He loved that she wanted more than life expected from her; but, he ignored how wrong it was; how young she was. He ignored so many things. He never once thought Lyanna, so full of life and fire would die from childbirth. He knew it was possible for any woman; Elia had been bedridden after Rhaenys and almost died delivering their Aegon, but, he never suspected that would have been Lyanna's fate. But that was not the only way she could have been taken away from him.
Thinking of how their lives would have been had she lived gives him no comfort, either. The life he had for her would have stifled her; the parts that thrilled and even loved about her. She went with him because she loved him more than the life she would have otherwise lived with Robert but, she would have had to share him with not only Elia but the rest of the realm.
Elia and Lyanna were different; he knew it and loved that about them, but, he did not give that much thought before he acted. Once everything settled, he was sure both women would have come to like each other. Now he acknowledged that there would be difficulties outside of how he would have made a relationship with both of the women work. It all seems so foolish now. Such a naïve fool he was. He should have known better; he did know better.
He told himself when taking Lyanna he would, one day, make her his wife and his second queen. It felt right to him; after all she would give birth to his child. He told himself that other men in his lineage had more than one wife; but, even in those times when the king married two women they had been sisters first and both equal upon time of marriage. He ignored that others would not see them as equal. Elia had already given him his daughter and an heir and some would have taken his crowning of Lyanna at Harrenhal as a sign of favoring her over Elia. There would have been more to overcome than that and not just on his part.
Though he delivered a victory he could imagine his father would have seen his actions as a plot against him and would have sought to tear down everything he held dear. When Elia and Ser Jaime recounted his father's actions and their dreams, he could not help but think of her and how Lyanna would have reacted in the same circumstances, a life with his father. His father's opinions held no weight for him, but, his father just to be cruel would have openly "preferred" Elia to Lyanna, even if he hated Elia. For his father she had Targaryen blood; had given the realm an indisputable, legal, heir in Aegon; "she kept to her place"; and though it was under duress her presence afforded him Dornish spears while Lyanna was at the center of the troubles with "those who would rebel against him" who were her folk. Even if she was the daughter of kings, Aerys would have waxed poetic about the way King Torrhen had been a king who knelt, even if it was to their forefather.
His father would not have been kind to Lyanna. Lyanna would have chafed under Aerys and would have fought his father; the man who ordered the men in her family to die. His father would have been only too happy to let her die, in turn, because of it.
Even if he managed to depose his father, he could imagine Lyanna would have been unhappy him. When he left the Tower what Lyanna felt for him turned sour because he chose to fight; fight for the man who killed her family though he tried to explain that it was a fight he needed to fight for himself and for them. Had she lived perhaps like Elia she would have forgiven him, but, she would not have been happy after; not with the scrutiny; not with the only life he could have given her; the type of life she wished to be free from.
For what they did, the cost of wanting to be together, it would have been expected that she live the life of a princess and then a queen; a more restrictive life than that of a high-born lady. Despite excelling at such a life she would have hated it.
It would have been worse because of how others would see her; what others would say about her because she would not deny that it was her choice to avoid the betrothal her father sought for her and that it was her choice to go away with him. Every piece of vitriol they would not direct at him would have been heaped upon her; each casualty of the war they started would have been laid at her feet. They may curse him under their breaths, as they should, but, they would have cursed her more openly because she dared. He had dared far more, but, it would be seen as her fault. She would have fought against it, hard, and she would have been hated even more for it.
Though she is dead none of that matters, but, had she lived that would have been his doing; because of him.
He sits in the nursery looking at their child and he can not help but think of her and what he had done and what he had not done. Because of that letter he remembers all that he wished to forget.
Damn that letter, damn the dreams he had, and damn himself.
It is not long before he got up to leave. He bent a bit to rest his hand on Aegon's head and though his hand felt heavier he did the same with Jon before quietly walking out of the room.
He went to the practice yard. He needed to speak to Elia about the letter and other things they had not truly addressed.
The sounds of shouts and cheering, both of grown adults and greet him first.
As Ser Oswell said, Oberyn was indeed, sparring with Ser Jaime. As the other knight had said his good-brother was completely serious about testing his good-brother. Both men were sheathed in armor; Oberyn's red and white and Ser Jaime's white, both with the respective family crests emblazoned on the fronts of both. Though the armor was richly appointed and of good quality the dust of the field clung to it. Clearly this "skirmish" had been going on for some time.
Rhaegar took in the audience present. Predictably, Viserys was sitting on a low wall, watching the goings on in front of him intently; his expression, admiring. He was cheering loudly; who he favored, Rhaegar could only guess. His brother idolized both of these men. Next to him sat Doran's Arianne and Oberyn's oldest three girls. They were whooping and carrying on just as loudly. He was certain they would favor Oberyn. All five of them, quite thoroughly forgetting themselves, were intermittently shouting out instructions to the two men who now were circling one another; as if either man, skilled as they were would listen. Arthur, who had been watching just as intently, caught his eyes and nodded in his direction before swiftly turning his attention to the two swordsmen.
A gasp rang out as Oberyn, catching Ser Jaime in a precarious position, laughed aloud and raised his sword hand, poised to strike a devastating blow. Ser Jaime was just able to duck out of the way before Oberyn's hand fell. Still laughing Oberyn charged forward only for Ser Jaime to settle his footing and try for a blow of his own though it landed on Oberyn's shield. A delighted laugh rang out. He turned; recognizing the laugh was from Ser Jaime's twin and Oberyn's wife, Princess Cersei. Evidently, the woman's loyalties were divided, but, he did not think too much about it.
Next to her was his quarry. Elia, for her part, was also completely focused on the scrap going on in front of her. She loved her brother well and would support him, but, Rhaegar knew the knight was a friend to her as well. As he made his way to her, he saw how she leaned forward, clearly interested. Though she did not take up a blade herself, she knew how. Even though her health had been delicate, being raised in Dorne did have certain advantages for high-born women. Viserys recounted enough times of the blithe way Princess Arianne boasted about Dornish princesses not shying away from blades because they could use their own.
As he sidled to stand almost next to her, her attention was focused to where Ser Jaime pushed forward, forcing Oberyn to engage each other's swords. He stepped closer and because she felt someone next to her. Seeing who it was she smiled at him. She said nothing, but, she pressed against him though her attention returned to where Oberyn deflected Ser Jaime's blow to thrust forward sending Ser Jaime back a step. As the two men carried on and back and forth carried on Rhaegar put a hand to the small of her back and pressed in closer, to speak into her ear; forcing her to look at him again and raise an eyebrow.
Her expression showed how curious she was at his behavior. "Yes?"
He kept his voice low. "Shall we go inside? I wish to speak to you alone."
She turned fully and leaned back on the fence she had been bracing on. That action caused her good-sister's attention turned from the flurry of blows being struck to stare at them. Seeing that, Elia smiled a bit, "As you wish." Murmuring a few words to her companion she turned to join him.
He tucked her arm into his and they walked away with Ser Barristan following them at a slight distance.
When they were firmly ensconced, sitting next to another, he finally spoke.
He gestured to the piece of paper with a tilt of his hand. "I received a letter this morning."
She looked at it briefly; vaguely amused but no less curious, "I see that. Who is this letter from?" He can read the unvoiced question in her voice. One single letter would not usually cause this sort of reaction.
"Lord Stark." Only two words, but, the name contains much meaning for the both of them.
That had not been something she had expected. A myriad of expressions flew past on her face before she simply sighed, "I see."
"Yes, quite." When he said nothing more, she prompts, "What does Lord Stark say?" She looks at the letter again though she makes no move to read it.
"They reached Winterfell safely." She nods. It was to be expected. Lord Stark's party left King's Landing some time ago.
She wets her lip before speaking again. "Anything else?" She will not rush anything from him, but, her interest is well and truly peaked.
"Their sojourn North took longer than they expected because it also included their stay in the Riverlands". This pronouncement took her aback, but, her face became blank quickly after. Rhaegar cannot help himself and stall what he truly wants to talk about.
"Yes, I do remember Lord Hoster saying something to that effect." Lady Stark was of the Riverlands and Lord Hoster's youngest son had been left behind; it was understandable that the Master of Laws would welcome such a thing.
"Was there more?"
"He inquires of Jon's health." Despite the strained beginning Elia had became accustomed to his son, perhaps loved him in her own way. Lyanna would be the more difficult subject; but, not only for her.
She smiles fondly; more likely because of Jon, not Ned Stark. "Quite right." What more of a response would he have expected from her? She knew from him that he would keep Ned Stark informed of Jon's evolution. Rhaegar recognizes that the tone of her voice is positive. It seemed Elia knew something of Ned Stark and whatever it is was something she approved of.
She looks at him. "Was there more?" It was plain to her that none of the subjects they touched across were not worth this level of secrecy.
"Yes there was more. Lord Stark also asked if my decision to keep Jon with us remained firm." This was met with silence. She said nothing for minutes, but she frowned and bit her lip.
She sighed, but, the line of her back showed how tense she was. "I trust it has." He looks at her frowning and so she elaborates. "I trust the decision remains firm; that Jon would stay with us."
She said it as though it was a statement and he notices the 'with us' not 'with you'. He brought Jon here with the intent of having his son join his household and much to his chagrin he remembered his son had been more welcome than he had been.
This time it was his turn to sigh. "It has; however…" Rhaegar both desires to keep his son with him, but, that letter and those memories…
Her eyes narrowed. "However, what Rhaegar?"
"I can not help but think we should consider it, especially if Lord Stark is willing."
Her lips pursed. "Why?" He wonders at her questioning this. Most women would have welcomed her husband's children to be elsewhere. It seems his wife is truly not other women.
"You are certain you wish for him to stay with us?"
"He has been with us for months, Rhaegar. Is it not too late to address the subject now?"
"Lord Stark-"
"Lord Stark offered once before and we refused. You refused." He cannot deny that.
"I never gave it considerable thought before." He has now…
"Then why now, when things are settled? Why bother? Aegon and Daenerys are far too young for now, but, Viserys and Rhaenys would wonder where he went and why he is no longer here. They would not understand." The mulish look she gives him reminds him of her younger brother. "They would wonder and want to know. What could we tell them?"
Her questions both soothe and distress him. He knows he would have to answer to his children one day; one way or another. But, it is not only the children he would have to answer to.
"Lyanna." There, he said it. Now there was no possible way she would fail to understand.
Her jaw clenched in a way which was reminiscent of Stannis Baratheon. She takes a long breath before speaking; her voice strained in an effort to keep level. "What of her?" Was his public relationship with another woman not enough of a reason for his wife?
"I look at him and think of her." For most women it would be more than enough.
"While I do not remember much of what she looks, looked, like, but, do you not think I fail to think of you and her together?" It clearly pains her still, but, not enough of a reason to want his son gone from her house.
"And that does not hurt you?" He knows he picks at a wound, but, he finds himself compelled.
She is nearly breathless when she says, "Of course it does."
"Then why would you wish to keep Jon with us?" If Lyanna and Jon's existence pains her and she does not wish the tangible symbol of her disgrace gone, what does that say about him?
"Jon has done nothing to deserve being separated from you, his brother or his sister." A practical response saying nothing of how she feels about the subject.
"Even if he is Lyanna's and not yours?" The ghost of Lyanna will always be there for him, but, he wants to know if Lyanna will be there for Elia as well.
Her face twists and nearly crumbles. She whispers, "I know whose child he is, Rhaegar. Everyone does. You knew that when you brought him here. But, I accepted it and I accepted him. Whoever his mother was, he is yours. That will not change." This was said with a bit of an edge. Her voice also became harsher. He also notes she had yet to say 'Lyanna by name'.
"You say that now, but, when he grows, will you say the same? Would you have accepted him here with us if Lyanna had been alive? Would you have accepted her as my other wife and queen?"
She stands, furious. "Why do you ask this now? When you never thought to ask before! You simply brought him for me like a victory present. But, that is what he was, was he not? A victory present from a war you fought for another woman." Her voice grows louder and fiercer.
"I thought you had forgiven me for Lyanna!" He stands as well, facing her. His blood rushes in his ears.
"Forgiven is not forgotten!" No, he supposes, it is not.
"If it still pains you then why would you fight my sending him away?"
They almost do not here the knock on the door. It is Ser Barristan, looking quite uneasy, ducking his head into the door. The both of them stiffen. Coming back to their senses, they flush and visibly deflate. Rhaegar knows he should have acted more appropriately.
"Your Graces?" The knight truly does not wish to ask, but, seeing to their safety is a part of his duties.
Rhaegar sighs waves the other man off. He does not need men of his Kingsguard to come to know what he and Elia speak of. "It is quite alright Ser Barristan. You may go."
The other man hesitates, but, leaves when they both sit down.
She sighs again. "I do not think I would take well to be parted from him; not anymore."
"You could have once." It is said as a statement, but, it is a question.
"Yes, I could have parted with him quite easily, but, that time has come and gone." She said this flatly. But, he heard the tiredness in her voice and the affection for his son. She might have not wanted Jon to live with them, but, now, he left it too late. It seems he excels at that.
"You grew to love him." He is honestly surprised. He knew she would do her duty but this was unexpected. In truth he supposed he should be accustomed to that. He could not imagine what other women would do under the same circumstances, but, he could imagine anyone else would have demanded his son be kept with a nurse.
"Yes." There was no indignation in her voice. What she said was a simple truth.
"I need you to be sure. I will not ask again. I can not ask again." He does not want to have this conversation again. That he speaks of this the once is enough to sicken him.
"Then why ask at all?"
'I look at him and I cannot help but be reminded of her."
She looks at him. She swallows. She breathes out. "If it is her memory which makes you consider sending him away then why did you bring him here?"
He sighs. "I thought it was the right thing to do under the circumstances. She died and he is my son. I love him; I do, but, there are times that I can only just stand to look at him for very long because it is not only Lyanna that I see when I look at him."
"What more is it that you see in him?"
He closes his eyes. "When I look at him I see my mistakes, even those that have little to do with him and Lyanna a small part. You remember. I was so focused on the future that I forgot to think about the way things were. I wronged so many. I do not have to tell you how I wronged you, but, there are countless other ways I have erred. Perhaps if I had not taken her; perhaps if I had not chosen her she would have been alive. She was so young and I knew better. But, it was not just her. I wronged the kingdom by not deposing my father. I knew what he was, but, I did nothing to stop him, instead I left with Lyanna; leaving when I should have done my best to curb my father. When I left, he killed men; the men you watched die. Those men came for me. Men came to their deaths because of what I had done. If I had done what I should have, acted as I ought to have and had not taken Lyanna; had I not tried for a third child there would have been no war and many would not have lost their lives. All of it is so tied together and when I see him I remember."
She looks at him sadly. "Perhaps, but, we can not live on what could have come to pass had things been different; no matter how sweet that sounds. Lyanna will not be here and Jon will remain your son. I will never be able to know what my life would have been if you never crowned Lyanna Queen of Love and Beauty or if you had not left with her. I cannot know what Aerys would have done or how it would have been if you deposed him. I will never know what it is like just to have children borne from me about me. I only know that I am here now with you. Nothing will change what happened and I can not forget. Even if Ned Stark is willing to foster Jon, no matter where you could send him, no matter where he could go, be it in Westeros or Essos, he will forever be your son. Your memories and thoughts will not go away simply because he does. It is no different for me."
"Then what would you have me do?"
"Accept what you cannot change."
He laughs, but, the laugh is soft and hollow to his own ears. "It is not that simple."
She takes his arm, but, she bites her lip before speaking. "No, it is not and it never will be, but, there are things we can not change and it helps to acknowledge that."
He leans into her. "He is my son, but, it is hard to look at him sometimes. How can I accept that?"
"The same way I know he is not my son". She looks at him, a hard look on her face. "It helps to remember he did not cause any of it. If it was right to bring him here, then it is right that he would stay." What she says pains him, but, it does not negate the truth of what she says.
He nods. To change that now would do more harm than good. What happened and what he had done will not change, but, it is not for him to send Jon away because of his guilt. His guilt is for him to bear; not something he should punish his son for.
"Lord Stark will still require a letter."
Laughter bubbles from her. "Then send him one."
"There is not much to say." Outside of responding to Ned Stark's queries there is not much he is willing to say to the other lord, even in a letter
"You have to send him something. Let me see the letter." He wordlessly passes the scrap of paper to her.
"It is rather short." He barks out a broken laugh of his own.
"I suppose that means I do not have to write a lengthy one in response." He is grateful for that at least. He gets up and pulls out some parchment and something to write with from a nearby table.
Once he is done writing he looks at what he wrote. There is not much written on it, but, it is enough; enough for Ned Stark, when he comes to read it, to know what he wished and enough for Rhaegar to acknowledge the course he is on now is one on which he will remain firm.
Chapter 14: Theirs is not a tale of high romance.
