"Rollins!" She hears Steve shout to her to turn around. She wants nothing more than to turn around and run to him, but she needs to be clear-headed and concise. She's got four minutes. When she turns around, she sees the disgust in his eyes, the disdain she'd so desperately tried to avoid. He looks slightly drunk, angry, and irate. This was going to go well, she thought sarcastically.
"Steve, I've had my reasons for not allowing anyone who knew to tell you. I was trying to protect you…" Steve cuts her off.
"You? Trying to protect me? Uhh uhh, you don't get to do that Catherine. You were trying to protect yourself! Because that's the only person you 'care' about. If this conversation is gonna go like this, we can stop now." His voice is icy; he's the type of mad where there's only calm.
"What do you want?"
"What?"
"What do you want?! Tell me, Steve. If you're going to, hate me or be done with me permanently just say so. If you're not going to listen to me, why'd you agree?" She started off screaming and ended in sobs. He can't stand to see her cry even now.
"Catherine, I want you to tell me why! Why'd you come back? Why did you lie about the CIA, why did you pick Afghanistan over me? Why'd you pick 5-O to go in that jungle? Why do you despise me so much you wouldn't look to talk to me for a year after coming back?" There are, a million other questions at the tip of his tongue, but he needed answers from her to these questions like his life depended on just understanding why.
"I came back because I was done my required service for my op; from the very first time you showed me this island, it's been my home. I left because our love was not enough." She steadies herself for the emotions bound to follow answering her other questions.
"Our love was not enough? Are you serious?! Is that the best you could come up with? This is bull. I'm outta here." He turns away because hearing that his love annihilated the ice-cold façade he shrouded himself with to avoid any further pain.
"I'm sorry, but it wasn't! I needed you in ways you cannot fulfill. I needed support transitioning from military service. I needed you to tell me how you felt about me. I needed to know what value I had in your life. I begged for your attention, but work always came first! I was begging you to see me as your life partner. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, and it felt like I didn't matter. As long as we had been together, there was never any conversation about the future! We weren't even dating, we were fucking on shore leave, but I was in love with you. I am in love with you Steve! Do you even know how hard it was for me to ask about Lynn? To get jealous of Tani? To be near you and not love you isn't possible." She lets out a sigh that's more like a growl of frustration before she continues.
"But to answer your first question; the reason why is because I did not see the future that I wanted with you ever happening, I didn't feel needed, I felt like my partner in life was slacking on the job. I tried to keep distance between us because Jesus Christ, we can't be friends, we are all or nothing. I saw myself trapped and I got scared so I ran. There's lots of reasons Steve. All I can say is I am sorry, so sorry for all the pain, the anguish, whatever you felt that has negatively impacted you from us, I am sorry.
Steve didn't know what to say; he doesn't like her answers, but he knows he needs to hear them. She continues:
"My therapist says I have commitment issues; you have abandonment issues, hell we both have PTSD. I came back because even after the Agency, I knew I needed to get my mind stabilized. When I came back my depression and anxiety consumed me, I'm pretty sure seeing you would have literally killed me. I got professional help and believe it or not, I am glad Will accidentally said something; it had been one of my goals this year to initiate this conversation." She smiles softly at him; he doesn't let on to how much that look affects him.
He doesn't give a damn about her seeing a therapist. With all the shit they've both seen, the depravity, the evil, her seeing a therapist was probably medically necessary.
"I see a therapist for the PTSD through the VA. I see an entirely different therapist, out of pocket, to talk about our issues and 'relationship.' Steve, I know you think you're the only one who was hurt in this and that's simply untrue. I have no place, no right, no standing, but I think you should see a therapist. I'd like to think I am a better woman, a better person from those sessions."
"I don't need therapy, Catherine." A bold-faced lie, even he knows it.
"Ok, Steve." She's starting to lose faith in this conversation. "Why did it take you a decade to tell me you loved me? Why was I so in love with you? Why am I still in love with you? Steve we both have pain, we've both been hurt, but I still love you so much. I only want the best for you. Please do your best to stay safe and be loved, in love."
He felt as if she'd pushed him off a cliff and he's trapped in the bottom weighted by stones. Even as both were openly crying, speaking heart to heart, he couldn't slip off the guard around his heart. Her words had taken him aback. It's not that he did not know any of this stuff, he'd assumed she was okay with the way things were going. The truth is, he ignored all the red flags because he was scared he would lose her. His inability to convey how he honestly felt about Catherine had caused him to lose her.
"Catherine…" He exhales before mumbling that he can't, he can't even talk about them. The dam holding his truest, rawest feelings is threatening to burst. Catherine is patient with Steve because not even she could predict the number of emotions this conversation would cause.
"Catherine, everyone leaves me. Everyone. When people leave it hurts, it triggers me back to the time I thought no one wanted me. I can handle that from everyone, but I can't handle that from you. I thought to show you would scare you less than telling you. It scared me how much I loved you like if you knew how much I needed you, you'd leave me. I couldn't tell you Cath, and I can't tell you how sorry I am. I am sorry Catherine."
"Cath I was so selfish, so codependent, so controlling that I didn't look out for you. How I handled 'being there for you' when you left the Navy and then Billy died was awful. I can admit that. But how is it possible that everyone can see how much I loved you, still love you and you can't or won't."
He's never poured out his heart like this before. Not even to her. He feels so raw and so tired.
"Catherine I just wanted you, I still want you, but I can't get hurt like this. I cannot take it. You know you're right we can't be friends, but we need to try because I won't lose you again. Stop running. I love you more than anything else in this entire world. I need you in my life."
Catherine throws herself into his chest, and instantly he envelopes her in a hug, both clinging to something that's slipping through their hands.
"They say the hardest thing about letting go is acceptance, but right now I think it's actually letting go." She says loud enough for him to hear, but he's tuned everything out. Because right now nothing mattered more to him than them comforting one another. To both of them, this feels like home, no one else can make them feel like this, their love runs so deep, but it's as fragile as glass.
Catherine initiates leaving the hug, but he holds her tighter. She pushes his chest back so she can look into Steve's eyes. She's sure his mirror hers: love, heartbreak, anger. She wants to kiss him, but she's not going to be unfaithful to Scott, and he won't be to Lynn.
"Steve, one of us needs to leave. I don't want us to do anything we'll regret. Steve, if you keep holding me, kissing my hair, and rubbing my back, I am going to cheat on my boyfriend, and I won't be sorry. Please Steve, please."
He's turned on too, and they both know it. Attraction wasn't the issue, self-control, however, was an entirely different story.
Steve leans in, and Catherine doesn't move away. Their kiss is light, both afraid to give in. When they look into each other's eyes, nothing matters. They stay in their embrace until Steve's emotions bubble to the surface. He releases her and does what he never thought possible; he walks away. She doesn't call for him; she doesn't run to him, she waits until the Silverado pulls off before she lets out a scream. It's primal and blood curling, and it feels like her vocal chords are being ripped out, but she doesn't care. Nothing matters anymore.
