Meredith took off for Zola's eight week appointment, but unfortunately would be late because of an emergency that had sprung up. It had been a relatively slow day but nonetheless it was the ER, so of course anything was possible. Maggie was at a board meeting over the status of her job after punching a fellow, and Amelia had the day off, so she would pick up Zola from school and bring her over.
"Are you nervous? This is exciting!" Amelia tries to cheer her up in order to break the tense silence. "Dr. Robbins is great and even though this whole thing was unplanned and scary, Arizona will make sure to have yours and the baby's back through the entire pregnancy. In and out." She turns the corner, Zola's head lightly bumping against the window.
"It's easy for you to say; Your pregnancy scare didn't come until you were old and established in your career." Zola retorts, not having it.
"Zola, for the record, I am not old! Medical school, internship, and residency puts wear and tear on oneself, and I had to work for what I wanted. I can assure you that it didn't come without obstacles so I prefer that you say I "Aged and matured in my practice with grace", in order to become the doctor I have become. And I'm darn proud of what I've accomplished!"
Zola huffed out an annoyed breath, just a cover from her actual anxious insides, so that Amelia wouldn't lecture her more or try to reassure her that it was going to be okay. She was tired of that cliche that it was all going to be okay, that all her family had made it through ups and downs of medical school and everything in between and they turned out fine. The only difference was, they weren't sixteen.
"Aunt Amy, I'm tired of these cliches! You didn't have it easy, we know that. But you're at a point in your life where you can afford a child, mentally, financially, and so on! I have a whole other life to see!"
"Are you saying I'm just welting away and I don't have much left to see?" Amelia implies with amusement.
"I'm saying that our circumstances were, or are, different."
Amelia tapped her fingers on the wheel of her car, watching as the light turned red and the sound of the cars behind her honking filled the silence. It was rush hour directly after school and she feared they would be late to their appointment.
'Please God, don't let this little girl suffer more than she already feels she is! Don't let her go through the same experiences I have and create her her own.' Amelia prays in her head, watching out her peripheral vision as Zola tugs at her curls as she often did when she was nervous or thinking.
Even though Zola was nervous, she also carried a certain curiosity everywhere she went about the things she would encounter and the adventures on which she would embark. Would she hear the heartbeat and instantly fall in love, would seeing the baby change her deadset mind from adoption to raising the baby herself? What if the baby had a deformity that they could only see through testing and they missed it because Zola would be too afraid to do so?
Zola knew that her child having a disability or deformity wouldn't change how she felt towards this pregnancy and the adoption. She would love this child whether she raised it or not, whether he or she was handicapped or fully able-bodied, or even mental disabled. It didn't make a difference in this world who this child would be as long as he or she turned into a person that she could always be proud of, as long as they were who she or the adoptive parents raised them to be.
She knew deep down she wanted to be so picky so that she could stall the thoughts of adoption even though initially it was what she wanted. She knew it was the best, least selfish choice and yet a small part of her wanted to get to know this baby. Who he or she would be, what their interests were, watch as they grew and self discovered. But with an open adoption, she knew she could still get some of that, even if it wasn't on a day to day, contact to contact basis.
"How are you feeling, Zo? Are you ready?" Amelia snaps her out of her daydream, beginning to climb out of the car.
Zola pictured her son, laughing as he threw food all over himself and his eating tray, or as he dug dirt out of the ground in the backyard, eating it to Zola's dismay. She pictured having to dig worms out of his mouth, having to kiss his bruises and cuts from tripping over his clumsy, unbalanced feet on the sidewalk as a toddler.
Or she pictured a daughter, doing her hair right, combing through the thick, coarse curls as her parents did to her growing up. She also pictured her daughter clumsily falling on the sidewalk or eating dirt and sand. She pictured her daughter with dolls, or maybe she would be tomboyish and prefer to run around with uncle Bailey and his football. Either way, either gender, she would love.
"What if it's just an ectopic pregnancy like aunt Cristina? Or what if the baby has complications like Jackson and April's son? Or what if I'm just completely infertile like Jo and Alex and have to adopt three of my own children?" Zola suddenly rambles.
"Well first off, we know you're not infertile." Amelia laughs.
"Second, blood doesn't equal family as we have told you growing up, and I'm sure your adoptive parents will feel the same if your baby is ill. Even if the baby had a disability, do you think that would change any kind soul in their right mind from adopting if they had been praying for a baby so long and finally got a call? Believe it or not Zo, there are still good people out there looking for a child to love. They don't care about the baggage or the challenges they'll face."
"As horrible as it sounds, I've been kind of hoping it was an ectopic pregnancy so I wouldn't have to worry about it. Or that the test was wrong or things. It makes me feel horrible, but I can't imagine actually being pregnant of my life a year from now even."
"Ectopic pregnancies can be dangerous Zo. And as far as the future goes, you just gotta trust that God has a path paved for you that's gonna take you where you're supposed to be, a year from now, ten years, and so on." Amelia reaches over the console, squeezing Zola's hand."
They check in and Zola gets undressed, pulling the itchy and battered gown over herself and tying the back closed, feeling slightly undisposed. She hated the feeling of the breeziness, and felt as if her body was on display for the whole floor to see.
"Remember Betty and Leo?" Amelia asked out of nowhere. "She overcame so much and turned her life around, so don't ever feel like you can't. I've overcome an addiction, Betty's getting help. And the thing we had in common was that we both asked for help. It took a while for it to happen, but we wouldn't be where we are now if we had tried to do it on our own. You're not alone, Zo." Amelia smiled reassuringly.
They heard a brief knock on the door and jumped, a frantic Meredith walking in, her face saddened and anxious all at the same time. She had watched Mr. Matthews die today so she hoped that at least this appointment would bring her some joy, despite the fact that the ultrasound was for her sixteen year old daughter.
"Thanks for waiting with her, Amelia." Meredith huffs, out of breath from flying through the hospital just to make it to this floor on time. "So are we gonna do this thing, or what? I've been dying to see something happy after this crap-shoot of a day."
Zola had felt shame and embarrassment, not because she came from a family where disfunction was the normal, and dark and twisty was expected, but because she had caused an unacceptable amount of stress, not that any stress was acceptable. She wanted nothing more than to have a relationship with her mother. She didn't want to be "Meredith and Ellis".
And Meredith sure did a good job of not putting her job ahead of the needs of her children, making them her priority and seeing to it that they felt loved and that work wasn't the most important thing. She didn't want to be absent, though she was passionate for her job, and knew when things did get crazy, she wasn't alone. She, Amelia and Maggie were doing a good job.
She wouldn't call it a "bang up" job. Her kids were respectful and obedient, not like robots, but they had their moments like every other child, and when the time came, Meredith disciplined. She tried to never belittle her children, but assigned proper punishment according to the crime so that they would learn from their mistakes and grow. She believed in learning and growth, because just as a surgeon, if you don't make mistakes, you can't learn because there would be nothing to learn from.
"Good morning!" Arizona chirps as she walks in the room, all heads turning towards her.
"Are we ready to see the baby today, ladies?" She pulls on a pair of gloves as Zola hesitantly lifts her shirt to reveal her stomach.
Amelia, Maggie, and Meredith all crowd around her, watching as Arizona began to set up to search for the baby and its heartbeat. Zola could barely focus as she was more concerned with the cold jelly that was being lathered on her abdomen, and her three aunts hovering over her. She loved them but felt suddenly uncomfortable with the attention she was receiving.
"Um, before we begin," Zola looked around to the smiling faces above her, "Would it be okay if just my mom was here. I'd really like it just to be a moment for her and I." Zola sheepishly asked, watching as their faces' changed to surprise.
"Sure, Sweetie." Amelia smiled, kissing her atop the head and heading towards the door as Maggie squeezed Zola's hand goodbye.
Zola smiled nervously up at her mom and Meredith grabbed her hand, the bittersweet moment interrupted by the loud thud of the baby's heartbeat filling the room as the transducer swooped around her abdomen. The heartbeat continued to slowly fade and then get louder again as she moved back and forth across her stomach.
"That's it? That's the baby?" Zola was surprised by the strong sound, especially since she hadn't expected it so suddenly.
She read in all her pregnancy research before her appointment that she probably wouldn't hear it, but she was still anxious. Meredith could obviously sense it because of mother's intuition, or maybe it was the fact that Zola's hand had tightened around hers.
"Would you like a picture of your little human?" Arizona smiled, these moments which were her favorite; The first appointment, hearing the heartbeat, and the joy on even the youngest of moms faces'.
"He or She looks so weird; Like a worm." Zola slightly coos unintentionally, realizing that it was going to be harder than she thought to pretend that this wasn't going to change her life.
"I'd say you're about nine weeks along." Arizona informs her, printing the image.
Arizona handed them the ultrasound, Zola's hands shaking around the image as she stared and saw her 'bean' like baby, curled into a worm like shape in the picture. As Arizona left to grab any paperwork, she closed the door behind her and Zola sighed, relieved.
"I'm proud of you Zo, even after all this. You're real mature." Meredith smiles, brushing her hair back and Zola frowns, furrowing her brows.
"How can you say that? I'm doing this because I'd make a terrible mom if I kept the baby, and feel like a terrible person if I aborted the baby, especially after hearing the heartbeat."
"Zola, you're not a terrible person. You knew going into this it wasn't going to be easy and I'd say you're doing great. Your motives are selfless, choosing this child over yourself, choosing to put their life before yours. It isn't just your body anymore Zo, you've got another little human in there that you're giving your body to for the next several months." Meredith tries to reassure her, but Zola turns her body, reaching for a box of tissues.
She wipes the gel off and tossing her tissue into the trash, feeling tears pool in her eyes that she definitely didn't want her mother to see. But Meredith could see she was upset and backed off a bit, giving her daughter a chance to say what she truly was feeling. Overwhelmed. Anxious. Scared. All of the above.
"Mom, can I confess something to you? Something that makes me feel like a horrible person, but I've just got to say it because I'm so tired of hearing that I'm brave. Because I know it's not true. That this doesn't make me brave."
"Pregnancy is difficult; I nearly died having your brother and sister. But you're not just brave for continuing through with this, but the fact that you're accepting your poor choices and taking on your challenges head on. That's brave, and shows real growth, Zola. Your father would be proud. You know, after the initial heart attack." Meredith lightheartedly smiles.
"Please mom, don't bring dad into this! And the only thing that will come of this whole thing is that the baby will find a forever home and I'll try to act like nothing happened but how can I do that when I can barely keep myself together."
"No one is expecting you to keep it together. You're not supposed to be perfect, you're supposed to be learning. And you facing this will have its ups and downs, it's not smooth sailing. But you've got me behind you, and your aunts and siblings. And true friends will be behind you, supporting your decisions and not offering unsolicited advice. They'll be there to listen, as will we." Meredith reassures her, wiping a tear from her daughter's face while trying to hold back hers.
Meredith's baby girl, the one she fought so hard for years ago, was still to her someone worth fighting for, whether it had been her adoption, or now, an unplanned teenage pregnancy. She loved Zola more than words themselves could explain, and she would go to the depths anywhere to help her children, show that they're not alone. Of course she didn't baby them, but after all, she was still their mother. She showed that she was listening, compassion, understanding.
"Mom? One more terrible thing." Zola confesses.
"Which would be what? Anything, Zo." Meredith encourages. "Is it Aunt Maggie? Because she hovers too much and if you'd like me to say something since you two are pretty close," Meredith begins to anticipate, only to be interrupted by Zola.
"When we were getting ready to come here today, part of me was hoping they wouldn't find anything. Like, I wasn't hoping the baby died, but just that small part of me was hoping that they were wrong about me being pregnant at all. Hearing the heartbeat was just gonna make it feel real, and I just didn't feel ready for that." Zola wipes the rolling tears from her eyes, her cheeks reddening.
"It's completely normal to be hopeful when things are hard to accept. It's your mind protecting itself. But a lot is going to change and we can't stop it, no matter how much we hope. You'll never be fully prepared for what's to come, and I'd be concerned if you stress yourself over trying to be perfect. Don't worry Sweetheart, everything will workout in time."
"I feel terrible for even hoping such a thing. Because after seeing the heartbeat, everything became more real, and I felt something in my heart. It didn't change my mind about the adoption, but made me even more motivated to do everything I can to give this baby what it deserves."
"I'd be concerned if you weren't worried. Worrying about the adoption shows that you do care. If you were a heartless person, do you really think you'd be looking so hard to do what's right for everyone?"
"I've made such a dumb mistake."
Zola bit her lip, feeling the sting of sharp tears leaving her eyes only to find herself sobbing and heaving helplessly. But wasn't she helpless after all? No, she had to own up to her mistake. This situation was not at all helpless. She chose to have sex, she chose to take responsibility, and show a new sense of maturity.
"This is a scary situation to be faced with and again, if you were completely pretending this wasn't happening, I'd be more concerned. But you're recognizing your mistakes, and surely It's scary to see the consequences and to wish they weren't there. But wishing them away isn't gonna make it happen your way, remember?"
Meredith brushes through Zola's curls, pushing away the matted curls as she felt that she couldn't get the point across enough that Zola shouldn't beat herself up on her mistakes but grow. She's told Zola a million times growing up that mistakes were how she learned and got to where she was in life, and that there would be more to come. She'd deal with them as they came. But she wanted Zola to learn that it was normal, and that she had lots more coming. She wanted nothing but the best for her kids.
"What's important here is growth. How you take the situation and learn from it, how you grow as a person and reflect on it. Not constantly looking back on what you did wrong, but how you've moved on." Meredith reiterated.
Zola slightly smiled up at her mother with understanding, sitting up and pulling Meredith into a surprise hug. It had been so long since they had had any deep conversation, and honestly it felt like a breath of fresh air. She had been swimming along the tide so long, hiding under the waves, and when she finally came up for air her mother was there to help pull her out of the storm.
"I love you, mom." Zola whispers.
"Thank-you ZoZo; As your mother I love to hear it because it reassures me that even as a teen, you don't completely hate me. And so we're clear, I love you, and nothing will change that. No matter how stupid the mistake."
Meredith was standing at the shore, pulling her fearful daughter from the currents and wild tides of the ocean, bringing her to solid ground. She was there the entire time, waiting with her safety floaties, and Zola finally grabbed on, trusting that she would be safe in her mother's hold.
