Chapter 35 *TW: :/ Suicidal thoughts and ideations/ Please skip the chapter if this type of content takes you to a place – I will leave a brief summary in the next chapter, so no one misses out! /
Danny doesn't get a chance to prove to Rachel that he loves her more in the morning – they have a case. He's annoyed he has to leave a sexy, sleeping Rachel to dart back to his home and change. He can tell the rest of the team is annoyed to be working early on a Sunday morning, but all he can think about is how lucky he is to be a little sore from multiple rounds of sex with the woman he was made to be with. He can tell the rest of the team is slightly suspicious of how happy Danny is, but he doesn't give a shit. Let them wonder.
After they handle the case at hand, he's surprised when Steve drives them to the palace. Danny had picked him up from his house in the morning. Steve tells Danny that he has some paperwork he needs to catch up for the upcoming work week, but Danny doesn't buy it. Danny hates when Steve lies like this. It's something Danny's been meaning to bring up, but it never seems like a good time. Danny gives his friend a break from his incessant questioning because Steve looks like he really needs it and if Steve wants to spend his lovely Sunday in the workplace that they'll be chained to in a few hours, so be it. They say their goodbyes, and weirdly, Steve is sadder Danny didn't recognize that Steve's silently crying out for help. Steve hates paperwork, so for him to be doing nonessential paperwork on the weekend alone, should be a dead giveaway, he thinks.
Steve knows the team, especially Danny, is worried about him. Times like these he wishes it was the original team, the ones who had seen him at his worst with Wo Fat, Shelburne, losing Cath the first time, Jenna Kaye – they knew him in the lows and knew what to do, this new group had no idea how to help Steve. Steve knows he's been sad, broken, and despondent before, but this is the first time in his life he can admit that he is depressed.
His baby is dead, he doesn't have it in him to have Catherine leave him again, Danny's got his own shit, and he effectively has no parents. Freddie's dead, his SEAL team, is in Coronado, his niece and nephew are in Jersey, and his sister is busy with his niece in LA. Chin and Kono were never coming back to the task force. Aunt Deb was dead, Joe was back in the wind, his illnesses were wearing on him, and Junior was officially moved out with Eddie spending some weekends.
The palace and work used to be his refuge, but now he's not even motivated to do any work. He just likes being alone in a place that isn't his home. His thoughts get too dark for him to be alone at home. In tormenting ever playing loop, he thought of all the horrible deeds he'd committed under the guise of "For God and Country" and what was wrong with him that he couldn't ever have anyone put him first in their lives.
Steve plops on the sofa in his office and stares at the ceiling. He's too tired to even get out the scotch he keeps in his drawer – not that he's even sure there's any left. It's night time before he realizes he's spent hours just thinking, disparaging himself and his life choices. He feels so low, he thinks about how easy it would be to end it all. His thoughts have been getting darker and darker by the day, and he's not sure what to make of that –either. Steve McGarrett has never been in this much pain in his life. He doesn't feel like there's anyone who can understand him. By his actions, he's alienated or been abandoned by anyone who's ever loved him.
He knows he should be pulling on his ohana at this moment, but he can't, they have their own lives and worries. He thinks back to hearing Lou talk about his own PTSD and his battle with suicidal thoughts. Steve knows he can't call Lou and tell him that he's been thinking about ending it all – Lou will shut shit down and send in the Calvary. He doesn't want his team looking over his shoulder and crowding him making sure he doesn't do anything permanent.
But, Steve honestly feels like ending it all. No matter all the accolades, the accomplishments, the success he's garnered in his life, it feels like it doesn't even matter. Nothing matters. He's been numb for a while, and the miscarriage sent him flailing down a black hole of sadness. It was a slap in the face that the universe and the higher powers that be decided he would never have the family he needed. A wife and children in his house, people who would love him forever in the way he so desperately needed. He knew his ohana loved him and would always be there, but he needed that love and support from a family of McGarretts.
When his mind goes to the place he knows will cause him to make a permanent decision over a temporary sadness, he summons every fiber of strength within him to go to his computer – he needs to find a place that can help him. A place where no one knows him as Commander McGarrett, somewhere he can get the help he needs. He finds a crisis center in Maui, and he makes a reservation to go. He writes an automated message to the team telling them he needed to take some personal time and that Danny would be in charge until further notice; by the time the message sends he will be in the treatment center.
Junior picks him up and takes him back home, Junior had meant to give Eddie back, but Steve tells him to keep Eddie a few more days, a move that surprises both Eddie and Junior. Once Steve gets back to his home, he packs, locks all of his windows and throws away all of his perishable food. His ride to the airport picks him up promptly, and he leaves his cellphone and his badge at his home.
The flight to Maui isn't long, but Steve drinks from the time he's past security to the time he's on the shuttle to the place. He's drunk as fuck, sad as fuck, and thank God for his shades because he doesn't need complete strangers to see his bloodshot eyes, rimmed with tears. Sitting in the treatment center lobby reminds him of the first time he'd gone to therapy with Catherine and that sets him off. He has to go the bathroom before he breaks down in a fucking waiting room. Missing her is killing him, other issues hurt him, but it's like his mind can't get over all that they could have been and how bad he's fucked up.
After the initial 72-hour hold, Steve's not ready to go home. He makes a call to the Governor who allows for him to get an all-expense paid stay for an additional week. Except that they control everything he does, eats, and says – staying at an inpatient clinic for mental health was nothing like he expected, he actually liked it. Nobody knew him, the intense therapy helped him, and hearing the stories of others emboldened him to come to terms with how close he was to ending his own life. The center sets him up with the people who can help him back in Oahu.
For the first time in a while, Steve sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
Danny, on the other hand, is a wreck; he didn't understand the email the team had received from Steve Monday morning. Steve wasn't due for any reserve training he knew, Junior had mentioned Steve wasn't in the best mood last night, and so Danny is in full panic mood. Steve being the dickhead he was, set his email to come in after he knew all of them would be at work. He's not answering any of Danny's calls or texts, leaving Danny thoroughly irate.
At lunch both Danny and Lou head to the house, Lou is mainly there, so Danny doesn't lose his head. When they find the Silverado parked, Danny is ready to rip Steve a new one. When they walk in and see Steve's gun, badge, and phone – the two get nervous. In his bedroom, Steve's left a note telling Danny that he needed to get away for a while before he hurt himself or worse and that he's sorry he wasn't man enough to say to the team straight up. He lets them know he's seeking professional help for the deep-seated issues.
Lou and Danny both read the message and Danny looks at the envelope that's unaddressed. To their horror it contains Steve's will and a note:
To whom it may concern,
I would like to thank my SEAL team for being the best team there is – I would do anything for my brothers both living and dead. Hooyah. My time as Smooth Dog remains as some of the best memories of my life. To my Commander Joe White, thank you for all that you've done for me. I owe you my life and then some.
I would like to thank my Ohana for loving me and being such a great team. It was an honor to lead such a task force. Kame, Flippa, Adam, Max, Noelani, Eric, Hirsch, Sang Min, Nahele, Tani, and Junior – thank you for all the work you've done with and for 5-0. Getting to know each of you was indeed a pleasure. To Kono and Chin, understand that no matter where you are and what you are doing you will always be 5-0. I've missed you each and every day since you've left. Thank you, Lou, for being such a great friend. All our talks have helped me grow as a person, and I am so thankful you entered my life when you did.
Danny, you were the best partner, I could have ever had or dreamt of having. I love you, brother. Take care of those kids, or I'll haunt you forever! Thank you for all the rants, the fights, and letting me drive your car for almost a decade. Grace, Charlie, and the babies I don't know yet – please be good to your father, Uncle Steve has already put him through enough. Danny, I hope you find the love you've been looking for, with the only woman on Earth who could possibly tolerate you.
Mary, I love you and Joan immensely. Doris, I hope you get to know Joan and even Mary as an adult. We missed out on too many years without you. We always needed you and will always need you.
To Catherine, there are just not enough words to describe how much I love you. I'm sorry I wasn't the man you needed me to be. My biggest regret was never figuring us, out. I hope you find love, happiness, and fulfillment in wherever life takes you. From the first time I saw you, you've held my heart in your hands. Every mission, every conversation, kept me going. You were always the one for me; I love you with my whole heart.
My last wishis that my ohana both blood and not, support each other. Danny, forgive Catherine. Junior, ask Tani out. Lou, stop smoking – Renee doesn't like it. Chin, I am so proud of you. Kono, you are changing the world. Danny and Rachel, congratulations on the babies! I hope one is named Steven, boy or girl, it doesn't matter. Lt. Rollins, we will always have the Enterprise.
Faithfully yours,
Commander, Steven J. McGarrett
Danny and Lou are floored. How could they have not seen what Steve was going through? They thought he had just been going through a severe bout of sadness, maybe the radiation poisoning was back, but never suicide. Danny needed some air. He couldn't face the possibility of losing Steve, and he hated himself for not catching the signs earlier. His ass was literally professionally trained to spot people in crisis and yet he'd been clueless the depths of Steve's pain. He has no idea where Steve is, but in his heart of hearts he knows Steve is alive- his outside note said so. And for that he thanks, God.
Once Steve gets back, Danny's gonna kill him for putting him and Lou through this shit. Jerry calls and lets him know he's hacked Steve's computer and found the center Steve looked up and the arrangements he's made to get there. Thank God for immunity and means, because Jerry is able to see through the systems' patient portal that Steve is an active patient.
Danny debates whether to call Catherine – this seemed like information she needed to know, but he didn't know if that was crossing a line. He dials Grace and Charlie instead, he needs to hear his kids, he needs to be grounded. He calls Rachel next and begs her to just stay on the line. He listens as she talks about nothing – because nothing calms him like listening to her. He lets everyone off early – he needs to see her and feel the babies growing inside her belly.
The minute he sees Rachel, he knows he needs to tell Catherine. Steve deserves love from the one person his heart is screaming out for. She's the only one who can help Steve out of this place in the way he needs help. But Danny's caught between a rock and a hard place, it's not his business to tell Catherine and yet it's his friend's life and happiness on the line. He's not sure if he'll talk to Catherine or wait for Steve to, but as he wraps himself around Rachel, he wants that for Steve.
