Attempting a conversation with someone who just watched you make out with someone else for all intents and purposes was awkward to say the least. Rinoa was his literal and now figurative guardian angel for taking the lead on this front.
"Are you satisfied?"
Selphie finally slunk back into the booth, retaking her old posture as if she hadn't been lying on the table two seconds prior.
"Very." she replied, trying to play it cool. "The Clover-Heart item swap is a go so you and Quistis will have to have one item from each other's case at your checkpoints."
"So you really do know who has what?" Rinoa asked, folding her hands.
"Of course. The mechanism in the case was set to take a picture the moment it opened and transmitted the snaps to my phone. You should see the shot I got of Quistis's face – it'd make for a great reaction image on the internet. Also, while we're on this topic, you might want to take a look at this."
Selphie pulled out her phone from her pocket tapped a few icons and showed them her screen.
"Are you KIDDING ME Selphie?" the sorceress shouted in exasperation, "I opened my case in the bathroom! No one was there. Squall can attest to that."
The picture was of Rinoa peering into the case with his pyjama pants and a sliver of his torso in the background right behind her; it must have went off when Rinoa was reaching in for the playing card deck to find the projection gizmo.
"I know two of the cameras didn't make a beeping noise when I tested the functionality so it looks like lady luck wasn't on your side on that one."
"No but – I opened it all the way in the bathroom. That should have triggered it if you said it triggers at the open. Glitches like that shouldn't count." she protested. Selphie shook her head.
"I should clarify what I said just a little. They usually take photos when they open because the camera is triggered by facial detection software." she explained. "If you opened it in the dark or if the camera was obscured by something, it wouldn't take a picture because it needs a clear-enough shot."
Squall placed his hands on her shoulders, trying to calm down her trembling. He didn't remember seeing a light source in the bathroom when he was opening up his case so she must have come to the same realization that it wasn't a glitch or cheap trick too.
"Since I didn't explain what Hyne-mode was in the video because of time constraints, I'm going to give you a run down now. You'll be glad it's you two together because it'll make things a teeny bit more forgiving. Just a teeny bit though." Selphie prefaced with borderline-manic glee. "In the spirit of Hyne, who tricked people into thinking they were getting something useful like magic, you two are getting one extra item each for your case requirements – Irvine should have already delivered it to room 356 by now. Doesn't matter who takes what but you have to take one each."
Guess they finally got confirmation that Irvine disappeared to be Selphie's little helper, Squall sardonically mused.
"But it doesn't end there, folks!" she announced. "To commemorate Hyne hiding his powers in women, you — Rinoa — and Quistis have to trade one of your marked items with either the Square or Seasons cases – it doesn't matter if you both trade with the same case. And last but not least, to commemorate the hunt for Hyne, both of you have to accompany everyone when they go to their checkpoints while wearing what you need for your own checkpoint."
"Selphie, as someone literally affected by Hyne's shenanigans and has done some research because of that, I'm kinda impressed you know the full history of Hyne." Rinoa said in a tone that Squall thought deftly skirted the fine line between being a genuine compliment versus a backhanded one. "And it also reminds me that I can access source magic anytime I want, unlike anyone else."
Selphie's eyes widened in recoil. "You wouldn't dare, Rinoa. We're in Esthar of all places – they'll try to seal you up again."
Squall could feel Rinoa's shoulders tense up again. Hell, even he was tense. This was beyond the pale and but he chose to bite his tongue…for now.
"-Normally I'd say you're right, but this goes both ways. If you're going to humiliate us for funzies, I can do the same to you and it doesn't have to be anything flashy that would draw any attention." she warned. "You made the grave mistake of backing yourself into a corner for this side quest thing."
"Hey, hey…don't have to go that far."
"No, I think I do. There's a Pain spell with your name on it." she quietly warned. "So tell us now, why are you doing this and why won't you call it off? It's not like you to plan deliberately un-fun things."
"I can't call it off, Rin. I want to, but I can't." she frankly replied, her eyes flickering at Squall for a split second. "…T-Garden is depending on me."
Rinoa blinked. "Oh?"
"I don't know how much you know about Garden stuff but we've been hurting really bad since Cid just…dropped everything after the war once Matron was safe. Once Xu took over and we got back control of all the Gardens, she looked at the books and realized how in the red we were. Long story short, she had to make mega-cuts to try and change things around."
"So Trabia's funding got a bunch of cuts?"
"Trabia's not gonna be a Garden for much longer if this keeps up." she admitted. "Xu's told me over and over that there are too many repairs for the budget. Heck, I couldn't even get cleared to pilot the Ragnarok to help go do a few repairs to T-Garden on my own time without doing some supply farming on the side if that tells you anything. Anyway, I don't think Xu's right but I'm not running the show so I had to find a way to get her to see that."
"…And that way is to make us run around in ridiculous outfits?"
"Yeah. Some of the stuff is 100% T-Garden-developed tech. The stuff I said was Estharian is actually part of a T-Garden and a small Estharian tech company's collaboration project I indirectly spearheaded too." she began to explain. "I thought if you guys can vouch for the cool stuff Trabia can make with a blind test run, maybe I can find a way to convince Xu that T-Garden is worth investing in because of the awesome tech and paramagic R&D we don't have at B or G-Garden."
"I think I understand a little better now." Rinoa said, placing her hands overtop his to gently move them off her shoulders. "That being said, this was really a bad way to approach this. Like, mega-bad. All this did was make us all pretty upset at you. I mean, I'm pretty sure the others will come around like we did once you explain the situation to them too but, imagine Xu. Imagine her asking us info about how we tested these items. It's not going to look good on you or Trabia if you have to admit you tricked us into using them. If I was her, I'd probably think, 'hm, I wonder why they had to be tricked to use them.'"
"Rin, she's more of a 'the end justifies the means' kind of person. That's not going to matter to her. In fact, it might even give me brownie points."
"It's the only reason why she puts up with me, more or less." Squall chimed in before addressing Selphie. "Xu will get upset if she finds out about what Quistis had to deal with, though."
"Crap, you're right. Well, she and Rin have that Hyne-mode swap, it'll probably help her out the most – I've put in another info gizmo with your extra stuff that basically explains what I just told you."
"Cool, cool." Rinoa paused for a moment to clap her hands and walk two steps closer to reach the base of the raised booth platform. Squall couldn't see her face, but he could only imagine she was pulling out all the stops expression-wise, since she had a habit of telegraphing that she was going full-tilt into Charming Bulldozer mode with a clap. "Feel like being eeeextra-generous by telling us what the slip of paper in Quistis's case means? Or any other location hints for that matter?"
Ah, yes, there it was.
When Selphie dished it back with the same intensity with her former grin returning and a clap pre-facing her answer, Squall couldn't help but feel like this was the weirdest power struggle he'd ever witnessed in his life. And he'd done his share of dumb shit whenever Seifer was involved.
"Noope!" she sweetly responded before she shifted her gaze past her to lock eyes with him. "Don't worry though, Squall has been to all of the places - you'll figure it out if you pick his brain a little. But on the odd chance that you don't, me or Irvine will deliver extra hints to room 404 for that case every time you miss its checkpoint."
"Fair enough." Rinoa folded her hands once more. "One last question. Say if we get a few of the checkpoints and miss some, Like say we get Luck's at 1 pm, miss Square's, get Seasons' and miss Four's. When it's 9 pm, does it become Square's time slot and 11 pm becomes Four's or do their timeslots remain the same as if we'd missed all of them?"
"Ah, so you figured the order out. Nice." The brunette thoughtfully paused with her thumb at the side of her mouth to mull the question over. "…In the interest of Xu not shanking me for automatically forcing Quistis to go out at 3 am if you miss her checkpoint, I will reconsider the original plan. So starting at 9 pm, the next check point will rotate to the first missed case and so on. As a trade-off, the checkpoints are only manned the first hour of each two hour period. You only get extra hints once. Fair?"
"As fair as this ridiculous situation is, sure." And with that, the sorceress turned her back from Selphie to face him. "Let's go. Our breakfast is probably getting cold."
He nodded back and they wordlessly left.
Once they were out of earshot and waiting for the elevators, Rinoa quietly asked him, "Is it true? Is T-Garden really in that much trouble for her to pull this kind of stunt?"
"…Yes and no." he eventually replied as they entered into an open elevator and pushed the button for 3rd floor. "I don't know a lot of the particulars since I see more of the logistical side of paperwork than financial reports but I'd be lying if I said I didn't notice the trend of T-Garden getting the least amount of funding of the three. That being said, if we were preparing to cut our losses and close down Trabia, I would have been informed since it affects ops for obvious reasons. There's no way Selphie would have been told that and not me or Quistis."
"So basically what you're saying is that she is reading too much into Xu's comments of 'we can't fix it all right now because money' kind of like how she takes personal offense whenever the Garden Festival Committee budget is cut or kept equal from the previous year's budget?"
"Pretty much."
"…So should we keep Zell and Quistis in the dark about the reason why we're doing ridiculous things against our will?"
"There's no point in explaining. At best it won't change anything. At worst, it'll make them angrier at being used as peons for a game that didn't need to be played." he frankly answered, absentmindedly eying the LED display. "…The truth can wait. We need to get through this first."
"True."
As the LED displayed the number three and a ding pre-empted the door opening, Squall offered his hand to her – an offer she readily accepted it in a heartbeat just as he had earlier.
"Your hand is just as clammy as mine." she remarked. "Guess that means we need to hold on tighter so our hands don't slip, huh?"
"Guess it does."
As they walked down the third floor corridor hand-in-hand in another stolen moment, the ache in Squall's heart grew with each step.
He'd make it up to her as soon as he could, he vowed.
—
By the time they made their way back to room 404, they were welcomed with the smell of freshly-brewed coffee and the sight of Zell and Quistis making room to place the various covered platters on the limited desk space.
"Good timing. The food just got here." Zell told them as he set down the carafe of coffee and took his glass of orange juice. "How did it go?"
"It…was a mixed bag but we'll live." Rinoa replied, holding up the small yellow gift bags. Knowing they didn't contain anything fragile, she lobbed them onto the bed. "We got the Clover-Heart swap approved but turns out we…kinda-sorta accidentally instigated Hyne mode too?"
The martial artist nearly snorted juice out of his nose and Quistis sharply turned her head in their direction.
"—Say what?"
"It's mostly affecting us." Squall reassured as he walked towards the strip of space between both beds, fished the gizmo out of his pocket and aimed it at the turned-off television.
"If you're watching this, you know what that means? Yes, boys and girls, you've activated HYNE MODE – YAAAAY!" pre-recorded Selphie announced, hamming it up extra hard as if she was in a children's television show. "Looks like the people with the…Luck…Seasons……cases are in for some extra fun. In the spirit of the Hyne witch hunt, you now have to be present at every checkpoint while wearing what you need for your own. To represent the useless half of his body Hyne gave to the humans, you each have to wear one useless item each from these yellow gift bags on top of your existing requirements. And last but not least, to honor the useful half of his body that he hid in women, Rinoa and Quistis, you now have to trade one of your case's marked items for a marked item originally found in the…Square…Seasons……cases. Doesn't matter if you pick from the same case so long as you trade. That's it, that's all! See you later – byeeee!"
Once the screen returned to black, Quistis sat down on the corner of the window-side bed.
"I don't know what's more shocking, the fact this makes my situation easier with two items to trade away or that Selphie actually knows the legend of Hyne." she murmured in disbelief, earning a few under-her-breath chuckles from Rinoa.
"I literally said the same thing." the sorceress commented. "Great minds think alike, huh?"
"Yes, but fools seldom differ." she light-heartedly added.
"Touché. I guess we should hash out who will get what from the boys so we do differ just a bit." Squall was then met with a knowing look, Rinoa's eyes filled to the brim with cogs turning already. "Question. Since I see a bandeau bikini top in your pile of things, do you think you can even fit into the bottoms? I'm not sure Selphie realizes that men's trunks and women's boyshorts aren't exactly interchangeable."
Squall picked them up again and inspected them more closely than he had the first time now that he was past the initial visceral reaction of disgust towards the ugly pink hue. Maybe a little more thoroughly than needed because his brain needed the time to find a tactful way to explain and words were failing him, even more so than usual.
"The waistband seems comparable to my pants but…the height from the junction of the legs to the waist looks shorter, if that makes sense. I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't be opposed to trading for your dress pants."
"I figured. Selphie didn't put in a belt in my case so I might be a tripping hazard. I'd definitely be willing to trade you. Quistis could probably make use of the top."
"Here's a wild idea," Zell interjected, "How about we all put on our case clothes after breakfast. And figure out who needs what once we actually see the damage."
"Sounds like a thinly-veiled attempt to embarrass ourselves for no reason."
"Hey man, if no one in their right mind gonna trade me for the morph birthday suit, what's like a solid minute of shame for the rest of you?"
"Normally I wouldn't indulge this but, I think we should listen to Zell." Quistis added. "If only to see for ourselves how bad it is so we'll have the satisfaction of knowing that Selphie will never see it herself."
"This is very true." Rinoa agreed, looking back at him. "If you can join us for the jokes, that'd be great. But only if you can get the shorts past your hips. I've been there too many times to force you to give us an unintentional peep show."
Both Zell and Squall raised brows at that statement.
"—I meant that I've tried on shorts that didn't go high enough too many times, you pervs. The ultra-low waist trend a few years ago took no pear-shaped prisoners, ok?" Rinoa chastised. Their brows remained unaffected, but the sorceress remained unconvinced that it wasn't merely for show. "You guys are horrible. I'm going to enjoy my plate of very expensive Deling toast."
"Rinoa has a point." Squall conceded. "We should all start to enjoy our plates of very expensive food before it gets cold."
Without much fanfare, they all meandered towards their food and dug in.
To Zell's credit, he was the first one finished, despite having a non-omelette order and the extra full order of Deling toast to boot. In the defense of everyone else, they were all collectively distracted at the rate Zell was stuffing his face because of the very-real possibility he was going to repeat the bread roll incident from two years ago.
Nevertheless, once the food was mostly eaten and the covered dishes were sent to the hallway for collection, they wasted no time to return to the task at hand.
"I'll go first." Rinoa suggested as she gathered up her case and headed to the bathroom.
Once the door locked, Squall set aside the items he needed into a neat stack and stuffed the rest back into his case to clear the space. With nothing better to do in the interim, he grabbed the inner tube, uncapped the air valve and started inflating it. As it took shape, it also took Zell's attention.
"Dude, I didn't realize it was a PuPu pool donut. That is cool – can I—"
Squall pinched the valve and turned his head just enough to mutter, "—No you cannot."
"—You didn't even let me finish. I just want to see the front once you're done blowing it. I'm just curious to see if it's from the official PuPu Explorer store or just a knock-off. The only way you can tell is if the antenna curves to the right."
A breath's worth of hot recycled air found its way back into Squall's mouth and made him sputter a little bit. Thankfully Zell's attention was drawn towards the corridor behind him as the bathroom door creaked open. Curious as well, Squall closed the valve and set down the donut.
Rinoa soon emerged into his line of vision, her thumbs hooked into two of her belt loops and the cape billowing slightly. While the three piece suit didn't look like it was wearing her per se, it was evident that it wasn't tailored for someone of her build; the seams of the suit jacket's shoulders slumped an inch down her deltoids and the hem of the sleeves ended at the base of her thumb even when buttoned-up.
The buttoned-up jacket looked like it was two sizes too big at the waist and was even looser around her mid-upper body; he could barely see the underlying vest and only the tips of the burgundy dress shirt's collar poked out from underneath the black bow tie. The pants looked like they fit decently enough from what he could see at a glance though some excess material pooled at her feet as whatever fold she made was loosening. The top hat with the ace of clubs card sticking out from the matching burgundy band completely suited her, however.
"I'm definitely going to have to trade you, Squall." she more-or-less announced to him. "The inseam is about a good inch too long which would normally not be the end of the world but the waist is super big and I nearly pantsed myself walking out here. I'd really like to not walk with my thumbs in my belt loops like this. At least the burgundy and pink won't clash too much."
"You could probably get away with just the vest, you know Rin." Zell interjected, looking like he ready for his turn in the bathroom with his pile of items in hand.
"Oh trust me, I'm not wearing the shirt. I was talking about the hat." she explained, tipping the aforementioned hat with her thumb and forefinger. "I figured if I'm trading Quistis for the cape, I could pull off the vest over fishnets look with the shorts. People will probably mistake me for an 18-plus show's stage performer but when life hands you cases, well…you get the idea."
"Yep. Speaking of that, I should probably get changed. Won't be too long."
And with that, Zell walked past Rinoa and the resounding click of the door's locking mechanism followed shortly after. As Quistis sat herself on the window-side bed with a neatly-stacked pile of her items, the tentacle notwithstanding, the sorceress followed suit and claimed a free patch of mattress real estate on the other side of the bed. As she took off the top hat and began fumbling with the cape's strings, her eyes drifted towards his pool tube PuPu and her fingers went idle.
"That is adorable. I didn't know they made these." she commented. "Between that and the vintage 'Talk to the Paw' Moomba shirt, I wish Selphie used her powers for good. These are great finds."
"Is the shirt one of your items in that bag?" Quistis asked. Rinoa nodded.
"It is. But saying it's a shirt is a little generous for what was in there. It's like someone tried to cut off the sleeves to make a tank top but ended up cutting an entirely different portion of the shirt by mistake and tried to correct it by making very long arm holes."
"I guess that makes sense since Selphie did say you were getting useless items." she remarked. "What was in the other bag?"
"A big heart-shaped pinback button that says, 'Your waifu is trash. Fight me.' I don't know what any of that means other than fight me, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to be the one wearing this."
"'Waifu' is just slang for wife. Usually in that context, wife is a favourite fictional female character someone has or a woman they admire if they're a real person." Quistis filled her in with a matter-of-fact tone. "That pin more or less translates to, 'You have terrible taste in women. Fight me.'"
Both Squall and Rinoa stared at the former instructor for a good long second before the latter broke the silence.
"I'd ask how you know that but something tells me it has to do with dealing with Trepies."
"You'd be correct, unfortunately." Quistis sighed. "Many things I've learned by proxy make Zell's pixelated nude suit look tame in comparison. Having a fan club is hell, sometimes."
"What was that you said about my nude suit? I can't hear too great in this."
All three of them turned around to see Zell in the nude morph suit with the necklace around his neck.
"Zell, we were wondering if can you put one hand on your hip and the other arm raised with your palm flat towards the ceiling. That's all." Rinoa asked in a louder voice, lying through her teeth for some reason.
"…Ok?"
When Zell did as he was asked, it dawned on Squall why she made the request – he looked like a display mannequin when he posed in this fashion. The minor alteration in body language instantly shifted his appearance from vaguely obscene to concretely ridiculous.
"Rin, can I stop doing this now? It's been like a minute."
"Yup - I saw what I needed to see."
"Cool."
Two seconds later, Zell was reaching for the back of his skull to unzip the suit enough to pull down the face portion. Upon freedom, his hair rivaled that of a Chicobo tossed in a dryer.
"Your turn, Squall." he said with a wide grin.
"…Don't remind me." he sardonically replied as he lackadaisically grabbed his clothes and the PuPu pool donut before making a beeline to the bathroom.
Once he was inside and the door was locked, Squall set his case item clothes on the closed toilet lid and chucked the PuPu into the empty shower tub. Without much thought, he systematically stripped down and then reached for the pink swimsuit bottoms to put them on.
In some mystery only known to Hyne, the shorts fit pretty well – looking more or less like the swimwear equivalent to boxer-briefs. The waistband sat at a respectable inch below his navel and he wasn't at risk of spilling out of the shorts or leaving less than nothing to the imagination. The colour was still abhorrent and a crime against humanity but he reckoned that the UFO memorabilia everyone seemed to love would serve as a lightning rod to attract attention away from his junk.
…Not that he needed to wear these outside this hotel room, he reminded himself.
Trying not to dwell on that, he slipped the inner tube over his head and shoved it far enough down to obscure as much as possible without constricting his movement. Once he shoved the knit Moogle hat over his head, Squall finally took stock of what he saw in the mirror.
All things considering, he didn't really look far removed what he'd seen at one of Balamb's many beaches during the summer. The complex did have a pool area on the ground floor so people would surely pay him no mind if he waited outside the bench at Yuna's Bistro and assumed he'd come from the pool, would they not?
Squall reminded himself once more that he wouldn't be wearing this outside this hotel room.
After he grabbed his sleepwear from the floor, he exited the bathroom.
But instead of rounding the corner and rejoining the others, his attention was caught by a slip of paper that hadn't fully cleared the threshold of the closed door — it had his name on it in bold black marker. It was also in Selphie's all-caps writing so naturally, he bent over to pick it up and flipped it over.
I'm sorry to do this since it's not in the contextual spirit of 'just do whatever, Selphie,' but I have to pull the plug on this scavenger hunt. Will explain to you later. Will also barge into the room at 10:00 am to burst everyone's bubble. Make sure no one is naked. Or make sure everyone is, I won't judge. Tell no one if you can.
-Selph.
