Prayer

"Mulder, you're not going to believe this!"

She smiles to herself, thinking of how many times he has said the same sentence to her in the past.

Scully, you're not going to believe this! This is a picture of an actual monster!

Scully, you're not going to believe this! Chupa Cabra is real!

Scully, you're not going to believe this! Crop circles have been appearing all around the United States!

Crop circles bring back good memories. Crop circles remind her of that day when suddenly everything was too clear in her head for her to ignore, too clear to pretend she wasn't feeling all the feelings she was feeling, too clear for her not to sneak into his room and give herself completely to him, body and soul in the same proportion.

Her heart beats a bit faster with those memories, and she takes a little of the dirt from the ground in her hands to remind herself where she is and why she is here. Oh yes, she's about to tell Mulder what happened to her this week and how her mind is now a bit more open, how she's trying hard to be him or at least honor his memory. She starts again, afraid that she's going to lose his attention if she doesn't speak soon.

"So, we got this case where people were being killed by someone they said was invisible. I know, it's absurd when you say it aloud, but hear me out: there was this one person that, for some unexplained reason – and it pains me to admit that I couldn't find a scientific explanation for it – could make people actually unsee him before he killed them. So, people died not knowing where their death came from. It took us three days to find a way of catching the guy on camera and, when we did, it was too late. He was only caught on camera because somebody else who was immune to his powers and was able to kill him and, therefore, he became visible. I have also been unable to determine why the other guy was immune to his powers and it's driving me crazy!"

She chuckles, realizing the absurdity of what she has just said out loud, and she waits for a response.

"I wish you had been there to see it," she completes after a few seconds of silence.

Her smile slowly fades as she comes to the conclusion that the answer isn't coming. She knows that there is no way that he will get out of that grave and suddenly say, "wow, Scully, you've really changed since the last time I saw you."

This realization kills her a little more every time she does this, every time she forgets for a moment that whatever remains of Mulder is 7 feet under the ground, that she is lying to herself thinking that he is listening to anything she is saying. He is dead, and dead people don't listen.

This is the third time she visits his grave, the third week in a row. It's the third week she does this to try and feel closer to him, but instead she feels herself sinking, almost wishing she was also dead. It's too painful to handle, and she doesn't know if she can keep herself together. But she has to, for her child – their child – needs her to hold on, to go on, to move on.

She suddenly realizes she hasn't told him about the baby yet, that she's been waiting for a miracle to happen, for someone to call her one day and say, "Mulder is alive," and then she can tell him in person. If the miracle of her being pregnant happened, why couldn't this other miracle happen too?

She feels the tears form a puddle inside her eyes before she lets them out.

No, Dana, this is a completely different kind of miracle. Life can generate life, regardless of how impossible it might seem, but death… death is forever, you should know that.

Her own voice inside her head is too much to bear, and she realizes she's sobbing in a way she hasn't allowed herself to do in three weeks.

He's dead. Mulder is dead and there's nothing she can do about it.

There is nothing she can do except pray.

And she prays. She prays for her tears to stop falling every time she thinks of him. She prays for the health of their child and for the baby to look like him. She prays that her rational mind is wrong and that he will come back to life somehow.

She realizes that praying calms her down. When she prays, it is almost as if there is somebody out there saying, "Never give up on a miracle." It's almost as if she is hearing Mulder's voice saying those words to her. It's comforting.

She wipes her tears with the back of her hands, taking one last look at the name engraved on the tombstone in beautiful letters, letters she wasn't expecting to see so soon or even see at all. Why can't people live forever?

She curses mortality as she stands up and brushes the dirt off her hands. Then she takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. Is she ready to go yet? It always feels weird to leave him like this. But isn't he everywhere anyway? Leaving his physical body behind doesn't mean much when she carries him in spirt in her heart.

She smiles because her mom is always the one saying that to her and it is the first time she really understands what she means. She really needs to listen to Maggie more.

She turns around and walks toward her mom, who is standing there so quietly she almost forgot she had company this time. She appreciates how respectful Maggie has been of her time with Mulder. No questions asked, no judgment.

"Thank you for doing this with me, mom."

Maggie shakes her head and rubs Dana's arm, saying without words she doesn't need to thank her. When her words are finally out, they are words of comfort.

"He is at peace, Dana, believe that."

Dana just nods when she hears it because she can't bring herself to say that she is the one that is not at peace.

Maggie wraps her arm around her shoulder and they walk away, leaving Mulder behind at least for now.

Dana can't help wondering if she will ever feel at peace again.