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Chapter 6


Jude Clearwater's greedy eyes speedily read through the papers scribbled in Leah's careful and pensive hand. She hardly noticed the flicker of the fluorescent lights as she sat in her usual rickety stool at the chipped painted counter, and unknowingly leaning forward to the only person that seemed to stay. Her constant friend had stuck around these past three weeks.

That very person opened her snacking mouth, sitting comfortably on a for sale beach chair, "That's just disgusting," she said only to pluck a chip into her mouth, free of charge, "can you get them to leave," the lip-slapping Casey Whitney would not stop glowering at the unnecessary customers, "they should be ashamed of themselves, crowding the front of store like they own the place."

"Yeah," Jude muttered, not bothered by them chatting, "they should," she could not pay attention, not when she was barely understanding what the ever elusive Leah really thought of her older sister, and especially in this private way.

Here, between and in the lines of prose, Leah explained Jude's betrayal in the most brutal and honest way only diaries' words could convey.

June 8th, 2003,

It's been a year since Jude has been gone, and I should be healing, I should not be feeling the same way, but I can't stop it. She left us, and now we have to deal with Dad and Mom arguing all night-

December 10th, 2003,

I was talking to Sam last night, and he mentioned her, not really mentioned her, outright asked me about what had happened? I didn't say anything, and he didn't push. But what could I have told him? He knew the lies, he knew my father had made up Jude going to school back East. Anyone that knew our family, knew her, knew that she was too stupid, and too invested in being a anything but a fuck-up to ever get into a school, like our parents had the money anyways, or that she ever would have let them pay-

June 21st, 2004,

Today, Seth and me went to Debbie's Diner. It's Jude's birthday after-all, we didn't stay. I had to take Seth out when he started crying like a baby at the mention of her playing with us as kids, as if she had died or something. It reminded me that Seth had been just a baby when she decided to run out on us, leave us behind, and not give a damn to ever tell us where she went, why she was gone for so long, and why the hell she never cared enough to think what leaving did to us-

"I mean come on," Casey Whitney's whining continued as Jude grappled with Leah's words, "if you want a guy to date you, I mean really like you enough to date you, don't pay attention to him, see how that drives him crazy," was Casey Whitney's humored yet confident love advice of La Push hot throbs and it's obnoxious chitchatting fan-girls, "can they be any more obvious?"

"No, they can't," Jude rubbed her throbbing pink cheeks, there was only terror of knowing her sister's mind, once more she was moved with how horrible her decision to leave her family had been, of what it had done…

September 21st, 2004,

I am not going to write about her again, what point would it make, that I can't seem to forget her, that the hole she made in our family will never be filled, she won, she got what she wanted, for us to hurt, the same way she had felt right before she left, and I don't want her to win anymore, so this is it-

"What the hell are you reading?"

"Nothing."

"Yes, you are," Casey caught on, "What is so important that you have to ignore me?" the fan-girls would only distract her friend for so long, she jumped up from her beach chair, her ever curious eyes bound to notice the self-inflicting torture as Jude's face continued to shrivel as if she had swallowed lemon juice.

"Did you bite your tongue or something?"

"Nothing, it's fucken nothing," but Jude didn't feel that way, she felt like exploding, felt like roaring the wrongness of how bad this had become, of how her family's healing had only reached a bleak end, and how the old Jude had never once stopped to think about this pain. Never give a thought of how her family's pain would never find rest until she had returned to fix what she had planted the day she left.

Jude felt her hands become fists, the letters becoming crumpled ruffles between her fingers, "Jude! What are you doing!"

That was when Jude exploded, and she sobbed, saying through the tears, "oh god Casey, she hates me," that wasn't even the worse part, "and she should hate me, I am a monster."

"Oh no," Casey came to her side of the counter, giving her a big hug, "no you aren't a monster, you went through a lot of shit Jude," she tucked her chin up, Conner's blue eyes stared back at her, and in a bittersweet way it soothed her, "and you came out on top, your back now, that's what matters."

"I came back too late," Jude understood that now, "nothing I do is going to make a difference. Leah, my parents, even Seth won't look at me-"

"Can you blame them?"

"What?"

Casey had cold determination on her face, pinched nose, emotionless against Jude's self-pity, "Try this, shutup, let go of these stupid letters, they aren't doing you any good," the pale-face attacker took Leah's papers out of Jude's hands, ripping them up, and entirely freaking Jude out, "what? Oh? You were going to give those back to Seth? These?"

The diary papers were forever ruined.

"Well not anymore," Jude rubbed her empty hands against her chilly shoulders watching the torn pieces get thrown into the trash bin filled with their lunch from the day before.

She was feeling even more guilty that she had read Leah's private thoughts, her written memory, and then did nothing as they were destroyed. Secret evidence Seth had stolen from Leah's dairy tucked underneath her bed, and he would go back home empty-handed, she noted, trusting me less now, not bothering to right my wrongs.

"Well there is nothing you can do now," was Casey's drull reply, "and please stop feeling sorry for yourself, " Casey went back to glowering at the girls her age, giggling and squealing victoriously as half-naked trio of Native American models came up to speak to them, "you are here to fight for your family, not give up the moment it gets hard."

It was not fair, not fair the way Casey pretended to know her situation so well, "You're only saying that because you want Jordan to move in with me," that was what bothered her most about Casey hanging around, sniffing like a prowling coyote, "you're probably here because your mother told you to be nice to me, so she can get her claws into my son," the words felt right in Jude's mouth, she knew the way mother's thought, the jealous rage over their children, "probably just another way to keep Conner from leaving her forever, like hell she will ever get him back, or you, if you ever try to contact him-"

A long whistle breezed between her playful lips, she tipped the Mountie hat on her short sandy haired head, "Is that the best you can do? You are getting rusty Jude," Casey chuckled to herself, "you are going to have to push harder to get me to leave. I don't run Jude, that's what I do..." she truly believed that, "I don't leave when my family needs me most."

That hurt, but Jude had deserved it.

That didn't mean Jude couldn't be pissed, "those chips you ate cost three dollars, are you going to pay now or later?"

"Fine" Casey sighed before smacking down the money from her back pocket. "if you want it to be that way, then listen to your customer," she told Jude, and then pointed at the deep throaty laughs of the perfect male specimens and the high-school girls that slobbered over them through the clear panned front windows, "deal with that, I am sure there is a rule to get them from loitering or at least for the guy's to wear shirts?"

"Why?" Jude didn't see anything wrong with it, "they are free to do what they want, and besides they are only bothering you," that didn't seem like such a bad thing.

It did bother her, she didn't even deny it, "Can't you tell them to get lost?"

"Why do you care so much," Jude really looked at them, girls, a few years younger than her, probably around Casey's young adult age, girls that went to tribal school and fawned over these boys… wait a second.

"Those are men," Jude felt herself say.

"That is what I was saying," Casey agreed, hearing the judgement in Jude's own voice, "isn't there rules against this."

There should be rules against this, because not only were these men flirting with girls too young for them, twirling the one girl that was forward enough to kiss the more handsome one's cheek, their russet skin was golden, cropped raven hair glistened the sun, arms and muscular chest bared to the noon sun, and every one radiating sensual grace. Still, Jude gulped watching the annoyingly attractive young men.

"Jude! Don't fall for them too!"

Casey saw Jude's guilty expression, the older girl put her own raven hair into a bun and busied herself to get the lustful and confusing thoughts out of her mind, "just leave them alone Casey, maybe they'll go away."

"Fat chance," her friends' colored eyes lighted up, "oh yay! Look who's coming to help!"

For a moment Jude let her quicksilver eyes be stolen to the broad and lean back leaning into the 1980 Volkswagen Rabbit, his shirt leaning up to reveal the small of his back, "is that Billy's son?"

Billy Black's son was so strong, too strong that it was effortless for him to lift Billy Black's large body from the passenger seat and put him on the raggedy wheelchair, and proceeding to right him into the correct position, with a comfortable ease that was mirrored in the way Billy would roll himself around in the moments to come.

Jude found herself appraising Billy's son, his name escaping her as she admired the beauty and handsomeness of him. The composure he kept as his father was no doubt scolding him for something. That fatherly expression was the same face Billy would give her the moment she argued with Old Quil, demanding her to behave.

Jude was floored by how massive Billy's son had become of the boy she had once remembered. He was a giant now, the same height and girth as the men standing under the wooden awning of Mark's Mart, but he lacked the mystery and swagger of his similar looking brothers. They did look alike, but he seemed a casual and courteous son, a stark difference of the savage and dangerous appeal of his brothers.

The brothers looked over their shoulders as they got closer, first addressing Billy, but mostly paying their attention at Billy's son, and he nodded at them, looking to the girls, they knew him too, one called out to him, "Jake! Hey Jake!"

Jake.

"What is wrong with you Jude?"

"Nothing," Jude released her looks from becoming too familiar, distracting herself with counting the money in the cashier. Only to give it to Old Quil when he came in at the end of that day, and to give herself moment to recover from her lustful mood, "Billy can tell them to go away," Jude said to Casey, hoping it would tame her, "you can ask him when he comes in."

"I will," Casey's eyes were judgy, "at least he will agree with me."

Billy came in, and Jude held her breath, waiting.

"Hello Cassandra, how are you today, " Billy Black saw Casey, it was very hard not to notice her.

"Do you think it is wise to have shirtless men flirting with young girls-"

Jude patted her baby hairs self-consciously before turning around, and seeing Billy roll himself beside a complaining Casey, and no one standing beside him.

Like lightning Jude found herself turning to look to the awning, finding no one loitering there, her eyes searched to where the girls were walking down the paved street, heading to the Downtown, the man boys trailing after them, and Jake… was not with them.

The answer lay with finding the Volkswagen Rabbit gone, and no doubt it's owner, the handsome giant, had gone with it.

"Jude," Billy wasn't stupid, he could see it, "are you looking for someone?"

"Your son," Jude chuckled as her cheeks blushed, "did I scare him off?"

As if, it would be a miracle if Billy's son actually remembered her, cared enough to shun her existence like her family was now doing.

Jude remembered him. She remembered babysitting him, Paul, Quil, and Seth with Rachel Black. Rachel was the only daughter of Billy's that had stuck around, and very unlike her twin sister that had eloped with a Hawaiian surfer named after the sun.

They had both left La Push at the same time. Jude wondered if her father ever talked to Billy to reminiscence on their runaway daughters.

"Oh no," Billy found that funny, "Jake has a friend that he visits in Forks," he said it casually, "Charlie Swan's daughter."

"The Chief of Police, Charlie?" that took Jude right back to her Junior year, she had got to know him very well, explaining to him across the cell's bars that she was the daughter of his best friend; Harry Clearwater. That was a fun conversation.

"Yes, Bella came back last Spring, she is a Senior now," his eyes went to Casey, whom was surprisingly quiet for some reason, "the same class as you Cassandra."

Jude said the name again, "Bella, Bella Swan," the name sounded familiar, "you never talk about her Casey? Does she come to the Rez? Are they dating," Jude felt like committing suicide with the last question, she felt like a fool for even thinking to ask it, and of all the people she had done so in front of Billy.

Casey was unmoving, her eyes alive, as if Jude had went into uncharted territory.

In turn, Billy's answer to her was so much unlike his charismatic confidence, instead a grim smile that did not reach his eyes came over him, and stayed there, "No, they are not dating," it seemed like he wanted them to be. Not yet, the unspoken words were somewhere in the air between them.

That was when Old Quil came through the door, take-out in his hand, his large bifocals hanging on his nose as he dusted the droplets from his whale-watching hat, "Joy got us something to grub on, Billy you hungry? Wait," his mood darkened, "what are you doing here?"

Casey put her hands up, already knowing Old Quil's animosity was made especially for her, "I was buying some food Old Quil," she showed the money on the counter, evidence for him to stop staring daggers, and surprisingly Old Quil gave her a look of pure loathing. These past three weeks he finally understood Casey was more conniving than she actually let on, he was getting smarter.

"Don't let her stay Jude," Casy yowled, he covered his sensitive ears, "that is, unless she is buying something, we don't have people loitering around here, only customers who are paying," he mumbled, going to the kitchen, while a humored Billy winked at Casey before they went to the back.

When the door closed, Casey swore, "He's an asshole, they let the other people stick around for no good reason, why not me?" she lowered her voice, "Is he racist or something? Is he one of those," Casey told Jude as she eyed the door leading into the kitchen, as if they were listening, "you could tell him where to go Jude if he is," like Jude's was her fault that her boss was a racist asshole, "you should have stuck up for me!"

"I would lose my job, my home here," Jude frowned, "and Old Quil is not racist, he is only like that because you don't pay for the food you eat."

"That's not true," Casey shoved a few extra dollars, "there, I can pay people back, geez at least Billy is still cool with me, he reminds me a bit of your dad, he hasn't come by yet right?" There was hopefulness in her tone, Jude was glad someone had asked her, that someone was brave enough to dare.

"No," Jude nodded in understanding, but remembered something important, "I saw my mother Downtown the other day," that had been the first real smile she had the entire time back to La Push, she had felt un-bashful and ready for their conversation, too bad it went sour, really fast, "she turned around and ran back to her car. I didn't get a word out."

Casey cringed, "You didn't run after her did you?"

"No," Jude cringed right back, "even if I really wanted to."

"Well this is a mess."

"Thanks Casey," Jude sighed, reigned in the urge to roll her eyes, "that's exactly what I needed to hear," there was something else too, "do you know Bella, the one that is dating Jacob Black?"

"Yeah, I do, who doesn't know Bella Swan?"

Jude made a face.

"Oh right, I guess no one told you, well let me," Casey became the gossip-monger Jude was for once grateful for, "she came here a year ago, everyone in Forks got excited, she was pretty and the Chief's daughter too boot. On her first day she was so popular she caught the eyes of the Cullens."

Jude leaned in, confused, "Cullens?"

"Oh that's right you don't know," she shook her head as if this story was going to be much longer, getting into it, "they came here my Freshman year, Edward, Alice, and Jasper are in my class, and Rosalie and Emmett were Seniors last year-"

Jude didn't see the reason why Casey knew so much about these random people, "why is this important? Are they celebrities or something?"

"In Forks they are, keep up Jude, okay, so the Cullens fell in love with her, mostly Edward, but she was following around Alice, and everyone wanted a piece of how she got to be their friend, how she got them to open up. People were so annoying with them, always talking about how gorgeous they looked, supermodel pretty, but freaky sometimes though, because they always kept to themselves, riding in their expensive cars, designer clothes, their father is a surgeon for Christ's sake, they could no wrong."

This was not new news, "They sound like stuck-up people to me."

"They were," Casey sighed, snapping her fingers like she just remembered something, "but Esme Cullen, their adoptive mother always got along with my mom, the tea-parties, you know how she gets when she wants to feel like a Lady," that caught Jude's attention.

"The Cullens are adopted?"

"That is something else that is weird," Casey's nose scrunched up as she said it, "they are all adopted, and they were dating each other," that was weird, "and so people freaked when the one single guy in the group fell head over heels for Bella, even saved her from getting smashed by a car."

"A car," this was sounding more like a movie.

"Yeah, and so Bella joined their group, dropped all her other friends from what Lauren told me, and Jessica during her birthday party said she had ran away with him during Spring Break, they got into a fight, and somehow he pushed her down the stairs when she tried to leave him, broke her leg-"

She had to stop Casey, "What? He pushed her?"

"Oh it's all gossip, I doubt it happened too, the family seems too nice for all that," Casey said, excited to finish, and Jude became suspicious if any of this story was actually true, "and Edward, the one that pushed her, had the balls to still take her to Prom, they were dating for awhile, and sometime before Halloween they broke up," she popped her lips, finally breathing, "and she turned full on zombie."

"Zombie?"

Casey clarified, "if she dropped off the face of the planet before with them, honestly now, with the way she looked afterwards, I wouldn't be surprised if she is starving herself, cutting herself even, depressed out of her mind-"

"Poor girl," Jude honestly thought it, that story had been too much to take in, and none of it had even happened to her, Jude dared to ask, "but how does this have to do with Jacob Black?"

"Oh," Casey remembered, "for a month her and Jacob have been going out, Jess told me Monday that Mike and her are going on a double date with a few others, and I guess he is taking Bella too."

"That's nice," Jude sighed loudly, "I would have just liked the last explanation rather than the girl's life story."

"Hey, you asked," Casey defended herself, looking at her watch, "you good here? I have to start heading back before my boss guesses I am gone. She only checks at the end of my shift, honestly, no wonder no one sticks around."

"Only you," that was always the story with Casey, "only you can get away with a three hour break," Jude shook her head, but honestly she was just a bit proud of Casey's devious nature.

"Don't do anything stupid while I am gone, and remember what I told you," her long-time friend said as if she was the older one, the far more reasonable of them both, and her five foot shortie butt hoped into her Jeep.

"Sure, take care of yourself," Jude nodded from the awning, waving and watching her go, all the while wistfully wishing she could go with Casey, ride out of La Push, take a ride anywhere than this too slow life. Sure Casey Whitney was an annoying pain in the ass when she was here, and when she was gone, Jude missed her loud butt the most.

As Jude was picking up the trash bag, her eyes met the pieces of paper, Leah's torn letters mocked her, and she still took it to massive trashcan in the the back of the convenience store, locking it in a bear proof container so large that even other large animals lurking in the Peninsula woods wouldn't come and ravage the contents.

The wind caressed her high cheekbones, and Jude smelled the pine and sea that called to her still, she let her raven hair down, scratching her weary scalp and whispering one name, "Leah."

One day, Jude would hear those her words again, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day she see Leah's angry snarl, her water eyes, and then her wry smile as she said these words, let them grieve together, let the pain ebb to a dull throb that would mean peace for them both, and she would live to see it, one day.

"Jude!"

The image was fading, "Yes, what is it!"

"Jude get in the front, we need you!"

It fell quicker than she would have liked, "I'm coming, I'm coming," Jude growled at how obedient she had become as the lap-dog, cleaning woman, and overseer of Mark's Mart, and how she still followed the call of Old Quil as if his words were law.

"Girl!" He growled too at her slow pace, "what is taking you forever, you have someone waiting for you outside!"

That made her pause, "I am coming," Jude said again, closer, seeing Old Quil, standing next to another man in a familiar cowboy hat on the awning, and mud crested shoes, jeaned overalls for fishing, and Seth was next to him, hands on his skinny hips, bowing his head as if he was getting punished by the two men whispering to him.

Jude barely found her voice, it wavered as she intruded, "yes, what do you guys need?"

The other man next to Old Quil turned to Jude, and she expected the worse, and she still wasn't ready for it. She was not prepared for the lashing silver eyes boring into her, questioning, scolding, and condemning her all at once, that look made Jude hold her breath, "Dad."

Seth was silent as their father appraised Jude, her body turned motherly after a year nursing Jordan, her hair much longer and silkier than it had been before, and her face… her father knew her face enough that he knew it was her, he knew enough to shame her in front of the other two people, "so you finally decided to show your face?"

That was when Jude's stomach plummeted.