Annoyingly, the only place Dean could go was the library. The risk was too high to go outside, he knew Raziel would be watching and wasn't going to provide him with a hostage.
Cas' revelations flicked through his mind buzzing like flies. The Angel was inside him... parts of Cas. Dean tried to imagine what that looked like but it made his brain hurt. What was he supposed to do? It didn't change anything, did it? It wasn't like it could be undone, at least that was the impression they were all giving him. They couldn't make him replacement parts and he was sure that if it could have been done Cas would have found a way.
He was mad about being left in the dark, again and tired of the secrets.
Dean sighed and buried his face in his hands. Sitting on the steps to the bunker entrance he felt nauseous. Why was it every time they went somewhere it wasn't simple? In, out, wham-bam done. There always had to be some revelation or drama that he had to deal with, it was all so draining. The silence became deafening as the banging from the assault stopped. Dean became tense waiting for an attack or anything but it never came.
This thing with Cas...it was so fucked. Like having two sides battling each other inside him. One part was screaming that he liked women and that he shouldn't have feelings for Cas. Then this universe, well that threw a wrench into the mix. That was a lie; he'd been having issues after Cas left his bed...after Cas helped him. The angel's presence made him feel better. It was to help him after Michael, that's what he told himself. ...But now? He couldn't ignore the scratch, the abrasive tap in his mind telling him he was lying to himself.
Watching himself kiss him and cuddle and … the sex? He shuddered at the memory; it was a good shudder, a nice shudder which made his nausea worse. He didn't have a problem with being into Cas and that scared him. He could watch D2 and Cas now and it seemed normal and it'd only taken a day. Maybe it was this universe seeping into his everything? Maybe it was just him adapting? Maybe he was in love with Cas and he was living in denial… he didn't know and right now couldn't deal with knowing. What was love anyway? Was it wanting to be around someone and enjoying their company? Was it friendship like Sam said? What was the difference between this universe's Cas and Dean and him? That they let themselves explore it? That they took that next step? Was he in a relationship with Cas and hadn't even realised it?
He missed Cas, loved him, forgave him...well he forgave him everything. Jesus, his world was a mess. He was a mess. Panic started rising in his gut and the room spun. This was the first attack he'd had since the fight and he was paying for it now. The memories came thick and fast. His breathing became laboured and he closed his eyes tight against the onslaught. There wasn't enough air...
"Dean...Dean just breathe okay?" Sam's voice came from his left.
Dean tried to, he really did but until Sam passed him a paper bag he couldn't control the panic. Clasping the bag like the lifeline it was he tried to think. The hyperventilating slowed and his vision cleared. Sam crouched at Dean's feet staring at him with his 'you're so broken look'.
"I'm fine Sammy..." he groaned between gasps.
"Do you want me to get Cas?" Sam asked softly.
"No!" Dean growled. He didn't want Cas to see him like this.
"Okay..." He sighed and ran his hand over his face, "Do you want me to stay?"
Dean shook his head.
"Fine but I'm coming to check on you again in a bit okay?"
Dean nodded with the paper bag at his mouth. Shit, this crap had to stop.
He put the bag down a few minutes later. The deep breaths helped now that the air wasn't coming too fast. His head was spinning. He considered whiskey but voices infiltrated his silence, distracting him.
It was his voice. It was full of anger and pain. Before he could think his feet moved.
Dean followed the noise, the arguing, it was a pull. Like a force that he couldn't ignore. Rounding the corner he stopped before being seen.
'Classy Dean', he chastised himself, 'now you're eavesdropping'. Cas-two was staring at D2 with wide pleading eyes. Dean wondered if the guy had been crying this whole time because he looked drained.
They were outside their bedroom in the corridor. D2 was hovering inside the door while Cas-two remained outside the threshold. Cas-two was crying, hard. He hugged himself tight as D2 threw the words at him. "You should have told me Cas. How do I know if this is even real?"
Cas groaned, "I love you and you love me. How can you question that?"
"You Frankenstein-ed my soul Cas. My Soul!" He heaved a breath pushing tears away, "How do I not question it?"
The bedroom door slammed. Cas was separated from his love by two inches of solid wood and what felt like a million miles.
The angel slid down the wall, curled up with his back against the brick and then he sobbed.
Dean watched and his heart-wrenched in his chest.
He wasn't going over there; it was none of his business.
Yet, he was walking.
He was sliding down the wall.
His arm was pulling the angel into his shoulder.
What was the hell happening?
He'd never seen Cas, his Cas, cry like this. It didn't feel any different knowing that it wasn't his Cas. Cas-two didn't move until Dean draped his head on the angels and only then did he relax.
Dean's heart felt like it was being seared. The sobbing was killing him. Feeling Cas shaking, grieving like this... he'd do anything to make it stop. It was that devastated cry of someone who had lost everything. It was that soul tearing, dry-heave till you can't breathe type mourning and Dean couldn't stand it. The guy thought he'd lost the love of his life, it was pain and Dean knew pain.
Maybe part of him was channelling D2. Maybe it was the part that loved Cas? Maybe it was this weird soul bond they had but he couldn't let the guy cry like that and do nothing. So, he held him and they sat curled up on the cold marble floor. The emotions, those deep-set one's he usually avoided like the plague were there and they were all for Cas.
"He'll forgive you. He can't help himself." Dean whispered to Cas-two as tears soaked his shirt.
Dean wasn't only talking about his double either. He'd forgive Cas anything and he knew it, hell, he had. Every single time. He'd forgiven the arguments and betrayal. He'd ignored the stupid decisions, the dangerous decisions. He'd healed the physical beatings. He'd suffered the abandonment, the death...he'd forgiven it all... and so had Cas. They were both so perfectly damaged... broken...
Big blue eyes pulled him back into the moment as Cas stared up at him and asked, "You think so?"
Dean nodded, "When has he ever not forgiven you?"
A brief smile touched Cas's lips but didn't reach his eyes.
"When have you ever not forgiven him?"
Cas smiled a little wider.
"Do you like me, Dean?"
"...You know I do Cas…" He created space between them as the tone of the conversation changed.
Those big damp eyes stared at him and Dean felt panic rise.
"I mean...like me...like me?" The whisper filled the air between them and Cas moved closer. The gap closed. Cas raised his hand to Dean's face and he froze. The contact was something he craved but it also terrified him. ...Run the voice inside screamed, run, this isn't you! But there was another voice, no, a feeling and it flowed from his core like a ripple forcing warmth through his bones.
Dean stared into pools of blue and pain. He wished for something that he'd never wished for in his life; a kiss from his best friend. Cas turn Dean's jaw at the last possible second and the angels' lips caressed his cheek. Dean shuddered and wasn't sure if it was relief or disappointment.
Cas-two pulled away, the kiss so erotic it should have been more. The angel gazed at him, a small smile playing on his lips. In response, Dean's cock became rock hard. The eye contact had his pulse racing.
What the hell…
Cas-two broke the silence, "Dean…"
"Uhuh?"
"Thank you…"
"Yeah...err...yeah," The words a breathless pant.
"Stay with me a bit longer?" Cas asked, and because he was already there Dean didn't see the harm in staying, just a little longer.
"Sure."
Cas leaned in and rested his head on Dean's shoulder and they sat like that for a while.
As angel tears dried on his shirt an over an hour later, Dean realised he'd already forgiven Castiel. Damn it. The smile on his face was in contradiction to the annoyance fluttering around in his mind.
The huff he let out disturbed Cas and he lifted his head from Dean's shoulder.
"What?" He asked sounding drained and tired.
"You should go to him."
Cas looked hopeful, "You're sure?"
Dean dipped his head, "Yeah if he's me and we feel the same, he's over the worst of it."
'That's the weirdest thing I've ever said.' he thought.
"Thank you, Dean." Cas kissed his cheek again as he stood. Dean flushed hot, his tanned skin flaring red.
With a soft knock, the angel opened his bedroom door and Dean heard his double answer. They spoke and Dean could swear he felt Cas' relief through the door. Once he was alone in the hall, he decided to go find his Cas and then get some shut-eye. He was wiped. Tomorrow they could go home and start fixing this mess.
The conversation started as soon as Dean returned to the kitchen.
"Dean, you're back." Cas walked towards him from his place next to Jack.
Dean ran a hand down his face, exhaustion was tugging at him, his patience was spent. He was so done with all this crap. "I get it." He started with no preamble. The ache in his gut disappeared as the words came. It always happened when he was fighting with Cas, the ache disappeared as soon as they made up. The hope in Cas' eyes pained him. It shouldn't mean this much, he shouldn't mean this much.
"You couldn't bring me back the way I was, all broken and bits of demon." He really thought about it for a second, "Maybe if I'd held off a bit longer, not given into Alister...maybe you'd have had other options..."
"No Dean, don't blame yourself. You held off longer than most would have, could have."
Cas reached for Dean and he moved into it so that Cas's hand was on his shoulder. The relief was almost instant, like a breath he hadn't know he'd been holding. There might not be much difference between the two but his body knew, maybe his soul...nope not going there.
"Either way...You took a huge risk and I'm grateful, really, I am." Taking a deep shuddering breath he finished, "But Dude, you gotta be honest with me."
Cas shuffled uncomfortably as Dean took a seat.
"Every time this shit happens I feel like...like I'm not in control okay. You need to just tell me"
Cas opened his mouth to speak but Dean interrupted him.
"I know, you're sorry." He grabbed an open beer, not caring whose it was.
"I forgive you, okay. Just, stop trying to protect me like I'm a fucking Disney Princess."
"I understood that one, Sam let me watch Cinderella. Would I be the prince in this analogy?"
Dean rested his head on his crossed arms on the kitchen side. The exasperated sigh he released was loud. The grin was annoying but only he knew it was there, hidden by his arms. God damn it, he really couldn't stay mad at him.
"I need to sleep." He stood, going for a tight smile but it ended wide and open, "I'm taking this beer and I'll see you two tomorrow."
"Dean?" Cas started and Dean turned to his friend, "I really am sorry."
Dean nodded, "I know Cas." With that, he left.
It was close to two in the morning by the time his head hit the pillow. Why did he always feel like he was in an episode of Oprah meets the Twilight Zone?
Dean thought back to the conversation with the other Cas and the one with his and yawned. He considered all of the things he'd ever forgiven once more and then came to a conclusion that scared him. When he was in the moment when he was mad or hurt it felt like any other person but with Cas the pain left in hours or days, replaced by this need to have him close. To fix it...
He stretched then curled up on the bed and tried to push the revelations away. 'I'll deal with it tomorrow'. The problem shelved, he drifted into an exhausted sleep.
The dream was strange because it was so... normal. He was on his bed, his bed, in his universe, asleep. He was watching himself sleep. Footsteps sounded and then Sam opened his bedroom door, he scowled at the bed, shook his head and left.
Screaming woke him and not the fun kind. Bolting, he dragged on weapons and darted to the main space of the bunker. The noise was like nothing he'd ever heard, a high pitched shrieking punctuated by dull bangs.
Raziel was back. The sight that met him as he rounded the corner could only be described as insane. Blood splattered the walls like someone had exploded. Jack was standing in the centre of the main room concentration furrowing his brow. He was surrounded by a circle of blood but was, himself, clean. His eyes were shining and his wings were out, glowing gold so brightly it felt hot.
"Jack, what's happening?" Dean yelled, "-and where is that screaming coming from?"
Jack didn't move but replied, "The Angels"
"What Angels?" He looked everywhere, "Jack, buddy…"
"Dean, get in here!" Cas' voice came from behind him and he ran to the storage room reluctantly. "Where have you been?" he scolded and Dean looked at him confused.
"You weren't in your room," Sam added.
Dean's face scrunched, "Of course I was. I was in bed…"
"No, we came for you and you were gone." This was not the time to argue so he shelved it as a mystery for later.
"Well, I'm here so what's happening? ...and why are we in a closet?"
"The Angels found a workaround but so far Jack is keeping them out."
"How?"
"He said something about a superheated resonance he can emit...or something…"
Dean looked at his double and said "Forcefield?"
Sam and his doppelganger nodded.
"That's what the noise is, them hitting it?"
"Jack said 'burning' specifically." His Cas added.
"So he's barbequing angels?"
"Don't say it..." Cas-two warned his husband.
"Wings anyone?" Dean and D2 sniggered, everyone else rolled their eyes.
They pressed themselves against the boxes that were stored in the room. "It's not going to hold them indefinitely." Cas added, "Our Sam should be placing the sigil any time in the next twenty minutes."
'Wow was that the time?'
"Okay, so we wait?" Dean asked.
Cas nodded. "We could expel them but we've never tested the blocking that jack placed on us. We wouldn't be back in time if something went wrong"
The minutes ticked by slowly and the screeching of singed angels was giving them all a headache. Dean remembered his earlier question.
"...And we're in the closet why?" Dean asked again.
"Well, we know why you're in the closet…" D2 sniggered and Dean rolled his eyes.
"Funny…" He replied and tried to scowl but ended up smiling. In any universe he was hilarious.
"It got extremely hot in there, and loud...Jack was worried we'd get caught in the crossfire," Cas-two explained.
"So you left him alone?" Dean scolded.
Cas scowled at Dean as he lent against the wall, "He made us leave, blinked us away and before we knew it we were locked in here. When we tried to leave his voice came like an echo in my mind. He said we were a distraction; he needed us to stay in here. He let us out to come to find you but made us promise to stay here until we left to return home."
Dean looked sheepish now he knew and apologised for his tone. "Sorry…"
"That kids an asset…" D2 commented breaking the tension between Dean and Cas.
"He's family," Dean replied, shrugging.
Dean took the time to examine Cas-two, he looked okay. D2 was touching him, which was a good sign and they looked better than yesterday. 'Good', he thought as he shielded his ears from the noise, he knew they'd work it out.
With five minutes to go, they said their goodbyes.
"Thanks for the help," Dean said to no one in particular.
"It's been... interesting," Sam replied.
"Thank you." Cas addressed them all.
"I'd say no problem but I'm sure it's going to be," D2 smirked.
D2's raised eyebrow made him laugh.
They exited the storeroom and ran back to Jack. He was still glowing and looked exhausted.
A neon circle appeared where they'd landed on arrival. Cas drew his part of the spell on the floor within it and the room lit up in a wash of vibrant green light.
"Jack, we have to go!" Dean yelled over the noise.
The human torch made slow steps towards the circle.
"Are you guys going to be okay?" Dean asked the others.
"We've dealt with worse. Don't worry about us, they want Jack so once he's gone problem solved." D2 wasn't sure of that, it was in his tone but there wasn't much they could do.
"Thank you, Dean," Cas-two said as he waved and Dean blushed. Cas stared at him and D2 pulled his hubby in closer.
Jack stepped into the circle looking deathly pale and ready to pass out. Cas finished the incantation and the world tilted then rolled.
