o0o0o0o0o0TMS0o0o0o0o0o
Chapter 10
There was a crack in her wall now.
A hideous crack that ran along the edges of Jude's mind and created a fistula to her insides. It threatened her to notice how deep it went within her, the search for the purpose to seeing spirits, Winona had planted it there, and she in turn was failing at noticing how she nurtured her words of standing a shot at using her vision as a gift rather than something to be cynical about.
As she waited for the wall to crack further, Jude kept close to herself, a bag of things Billy had bought her was held tightly against her chest as she entered the Black House that Sunday night, she ignored her phone calls as she was given a young woman's room in Billy's home, she wasn't sure which of his twin daughters it belonged to, but she sat on the offered bed all the same, listening to the far off coast accessed through the much larger window than she had been graced with in Old Marks room. The devastation that had been done to it, the haunting that would hang in that place, Jude rubbed her lips at the memory, remembering Old Quil's sneer as he finally got rid of her, and the small joy she had at leaving.
Billy was beside her before she knew it, "Is this fine Jude, is this- big enough-"
"Yes, it is perfect, " she said not taking a chance to refute any of Billy's kindness, she knew he would only take it as rebuttal for him sticking his neck out for her, "thank you, I am very grateful to you," she kept her mouth shut after that, not wanting to disturb what Billy had given her.
As she slept that night, she once again became restless, despite her comforting surroundings. The next day, when she had awoke earlier than the sun, hearing Jacob preparing himself in the restroom before he ducked out the door, not even daring to look her way, that is when she knew... Billy was the only one that wanted her here. She was unwanted even by those that had not spoken a word to her, did not have the excuse of being hurt by her.
"I am going to go freshen up," Jude needed a moment of peace as she left the kitchen table, she really wanted away from La Push, away from Billy's mothering ways over the breakfast table as his son didn't even have the decency of acknowledging the both of them, and so she left the comforting bed in Rachel Black's room, calling Casey and explain what had happened the day before, brief description of how someone had vandalized her old room, of how she was no longer allowed there, how Billy had taken her in, and not one thing about that fucken rocking chair, "I need a distraction Casey. When can you pick me up?"
"I'm sorry Jude, I am working today, doesn't Billy have something for you to do," was her smart bitchy answer.
"Don't get pissy with me," Jude shot back, "you know very well why I can't move in with you, it has nothing to do with how much I love you Casey, or how much I would love nothing more for us to get a place together," that pacified her, "I mean it Casey, I don't know why you have to get pissed that Billy is helping me."
"I am not pissed," she rejected in that voice that Jude knew she had won her over, "today isn't a good day Jude, got into a fight with my mom over Conner," she wouldn't budge as to the reason for why they were arguing about him, but the call was not a total loss, "oh, I got you that car you were talking about, my friend is thinking of selling it to you cheap. Do you want me to pick you up later to get it?"
"Nah, you stay at work," Jude said looking around the corner as Billy wheeled down the hallway as if he had not been listening in, "I am going to sneak out, can I meet them at Forks?"
"Forks Community," Casey told her, "I'll tell them to meet you there."
"Thanks Casey I owe you one," Jude heard Casey muttering that she owed her more than that.
Jude sneaked past Billy, almost making it to the front door.
He caught her when she was two steps from it, "Where you going Jude?"
"To Forks," Jude hung her head in guilt, he had saw through the whole thing.
"What for?" he rolled around as Jude tried opening the door, effectively blocking her, and looking at her with a look that made her question if Harry had taught it to him, or vice versa.
"I'm getting a car in Forks," Jude shrugged, "I need it Billy, it won't be all day, please don't make me feel like I am on house arrest."
Billy leaned forward to push the door open, open it wider, "I am only asking to check on you Jude," he nodded to the outside, "I never keep prisoners, holler if you need anything."
That surprised her, and she did nothing to stop the smile from spreading on her face, "Thank you Billy," Jude meant it, not running at the first chance, "I really mean it, I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't taken me in, I probably would have went back to New Mexico, and you really stuck your neck out for me, I won't forget it!"
"Ah, it was nothing Jude, you just remember to be safe, no hiking, no going into the woods with the bear problems," he waved her off, repeating what she already knew.
"Sure Billy," she curiously watched him, going back to whatever it was he was doing, and then Jude called a Taxi so she could meet this friend of Casey's at Forks Community College.
Forks rainy weather was a constant as they drove out of La Push and she tapped her fingers against the droplet splattered Taxi windows imagining desert, sun, and open flat land for as far as the eye could see. To get into the moody feel of the evergreen canopy of grey-skied day, Judith took out a book of Rachel's to read as she waited for her Taxi ride to get to the community college. Her mind wandered to heating baby bottles, getting formula on her shirt, and baby vomit at the most unpleasant moments. She remembered sleeping with a beautiful little being, and…that was the push she needed to remind herself that she had to learn more about what the spirits were trying to do with her, and what the Elders were keeping from her.
Especially Billy, the way he had dismissed Winona the other day, dismissed her help to fix the spirits problem once and for all. Not to mention, the way Winona knew what she was with such assured attitude, as if she had been waiting for a person like her, as if it was their purpose to do this together, it… just didn't feel right.
When Jude made it to the barely populated College, she bought a food at a taco stand.
"You are cute," a sandy-haired guy was the first to approach her, "do you want to go out sometime?"
Judith smiled at the little stud, she was more interested in her lunch, but he offered, "how old are you anyways?"
"Seventeen," he purred at her. It was silly.
"You are jail bait, sorry kid," she said, looking around for the guy she was supposed to meet. Judith had texted him that she was waiting here, they were the only ones. It was no coincidence, "are you Austin Marks? Casey said you had a car for me."
"Yeah Casey told me to meet you here," his grin grew bigger, "you are Conner's old girl then?"
Judith stopped smiling, "do you have the car here or do we have to go to your house?"
"Wow, slow down cougar," he teased her, and Judith shook her head. He was such a kid, "sure, does Conner know you are back? He was friends with my older brother. Maybe, you know my brother?"
"Who's your brother?"
"Granton Marks." Judith didn't remember a Granton, what an ugly name.
"I don't know a Grant-wait a second, Grant the Tramp?"
That made Austin laugh, "he hated that name, haven't heard it in a long time."
Judith smiled like she meant it, "that's because Conner and me made it up for him. He had a British girlfriend at the time-"
"Kimberly, I remember her," Austin eyes grew big, "she had amazing boobs."
"I guess she did," Judith laughed as the boy's cheeks grew red.
Austin looked so much like his brother, even smirked like him, "I see why my brother liked you. I am selling my Honda Civic. It is a 2005. It is practically new, but I will give it to you cheap. By the way, are you looking for some motorbikes, because I am trying to sell those too. I want to go to Europe this summer, and I need the money."
"I would," Jude bit her lip, "I would like to help you, but I don't like motorbikes. I had a bad accident when I was little, maybe your brother can tell you. I am on the Rez again, and he can visit me if he likes. Seth Clearwater will tell you where," the whole of La Push would know she was staying with Billy Black, and that his charity knew no bounds for the local crazy woman.
"You see, the thing is," Austin lost his smile, "Granton has been missing in action for some months," Austin said running a hand through his shaggy hair, "If you find him tell him that mom misses him. He is a good brother Crazy Jude," he said her nickname, and she let him, for Grant's sake, "he just has a temper and a bad case of depression because of Philly, and when he is off, doing whatever it is he does-"
Austin looked so lost. It reminded her of someone. It reminded her of Seth.
"I know," Jude reached for his hand and gave it a squeeze, '"Grant was the best of us Austin, I know. He could be mean, and he enjoyed lighting up, but no one was more loyal than Grant," she remembered that much, "but when you lose the love of your life, you change. It is hard."
"It's hard for us too," Austin said, taking his hand away from hers, "Thank you, but you don't understand. Come on, your car is this way."
That hurt Jude, but she knew that she was doing the right thing with Grant's little brother. Granton was the last person she saw before she had ran away from La Push, because he had been there to catch her running through the forest naked as the day she was born, and running from spirits that had torn the clothes from her. It was humiliating.
His advice at her running away.
"You can go home, apologize, make-up," Grant shrugged, wagging his eyebrows, "I don't know suck Conner's dick,"
"GRANT!"
"Okay daddy's girl just make up like a normal person," he hinted, and Jude glared.
"I am not a normal person Grant. Obviously I cannot even keep my clothes on," she was mostly naked here, shivering in her birthday suit, "and the visions are getting worse. The medicine isn't working," she pushed away the bud of Mary Jane he offered from behind his ear, "that doesn't help either. I am tired of being a fuck up. I need to start changing and it can't be here. I mean can you see me running around naked trying to find myself, what would people say?"
He found it funny, chuckling, and giving her a look like he wasn't aware how naked she really was "Sounds like a personal problem, and I don't know if you would live very long if you tried," he joked and laughed loudly now, "I can't be chasing after a nudist in the woods, what would the people of Forks say?" He repeated her stupid words.
She smacked him over the head, "You are such an ass!"
"Whatever Crazy Jude," she play fought him as they made it to the airport, he had the decency to at least give her his shirt, then buy her extra clothes, and then give her the cash to get the plane ticket furthest from the place they always wanted to get away from.
"Thank you for speaking to me Austin. Even if you don't know me," Jude told him as they walked through the parking lot to his car because people like Austin Marks needed to hear these things like that.
"Grant knew you were a good person, so we did too," that was nice of him to say, "Well here it is," he opened the car they had finally got to.
The car looked clean.
It was a good car, it drove nice around the Forks Community College, and Jude knew enough about cars to know that she was not being ripped off. It felt good to go with Austin to sign the papers at the DMV and give him the cash Old Quil had given her over the weeks working, and she wished that it would help him in his dreams of adventure in Europe. People needed that sometimes.
"See ya," he drove off with his mom.
"Bye Mrs. Marks," Mrs. Marks didn't look like she remembered her, and Jude didn't say anything to jog her memory.
Grant's mom was a less controlling mother than Conner's mother had been, but all those lunches and video game sessions in her son's room never meant she approved of her. Granton would drag her over all the time, and that was probably the problem. She was only a girl that fueled Grant's less savory hobbies.
It was for the best. Jude wasn't the best influence, and Grant was no angel when she left.
She sang to clear her mind, "Alabama, Arkansas, I do love my Ma and Pa," she sang while imagining what happened in the years she was gone, and how she had missed driving the familiar road back to La Push. Time would tell. Grant would show up one day to tell her all about it, he had to.
Judith rubbed her amulet, remembering Winona's words, it is holding you back from your potential, it is blocking you from your gift, Jude would take her chances.
Well, at the end of the day, she had what she wanted.
A new car.
Judith's wallet was lighter, and from this moment she vowed to start saving, and stop spending so much. It was not healthy to be treating money like toilet paper. Judith turned the car down the riding roads filled with giants of trees, and sung all the way back to La Push. She had succeeded. The day was beautiful, it only drizzle, and she let the weather come into her car. She blared the music loud with the windows rolled down. Jude was invincible, until she saw her sister walking on the side of the road.
Leah looked drenched, her arms stuffed in her armpits, and her backpack hung over her shoulder wet and filled with books.
Who had left her like this?
Jude slowed down, she had to, "do you need a ride?"
Leah gave her the stink eye, but Judith knew better.
She opened the car door, and prayed Leah made the right choice.
o0o0o0o0o0TMS0o0o0o0o0o
"Leah," Jude sighed for the hundredth time, "get in the car."
"No."
"You are going to freeze to death."
"No," Leah was so damn stubborn, "leave me alone."
Jude revved her engine, she was losing gas, but that was the last of her worries, she patted her car door in frustration, "Come on Leah, you got miles till you get to the house, are you really going to walk all the way home," she would not budge, "are you going to make me drive next to you like this?"
Cars honked, passed them slowly, others barely missed grazing her, and Jude had to wave them off. If she was not so upset with Leah she would be embarrassed for causing this scene, and no doubt giving the locals something to chit chat about. This would get back to her parents sooner rather than later, and she could hear her father telling her to leave her sister to reach out in her own time.
Jude was not sure what their reaction would be to her pushing, and she was not sure if she was prepared to find out. They could ask her to leave, and that would only depress beyond anything she was experiencing now. She had to try harder.
"Leah, please," she pleaded, "you are making this harder than it has to be."
She showed her the birdie, and it made Judith curse under her breath. Leah would die trying to hold her grudge against her.
Judith stopped the car, put her emergency lights on, and chased after her sister. Her sister noticed, her eyes bulged, and that was when she took off. Jude almost tripped on the wet pavement as she chased her, but kept going after catching herself, hurtling faster to the sprinting Leah, "Get back here Leah!" Leah started jumping through the foliage, and it looked like she might get away. She was fast. Judith was faster.
Judith caught her mid-leap.
Leah's wet body smacked with her own dry one, "Let go of me," Leah screamed, scratching on Jude's hand that was clamped around her wrist. Judith grunted as her sister struggled to be released. Leah tried biting her, and then resorted to stamping on her foot.
Judith winced, but didn't release her, "No," now it was her turn, "I will not."
"You're hurting me," Leah screamed in face, her wrist and her foot would have serious bruising after this, "why can't you leave me alone, leave me alone," she cried out, and tears came down her eyes streaming down her russet cheeks. Judith held on until she stopped struggling. The fight in Leah went out quicker than a bolt of lightning touching down on the mountain's tips. It was not what Jude wanted, for Leah broke down like this, and to cry like this.
"Okay, okay, get off, I won't run," Leah promised, "Just let me go."
It made Jude's heart clench, but she released her.
"You are my sister," Jude said miserably, rubbing the long line of nail marks on her arm, "I won't leave you like this again. I love you far too much."
"Do us both a favor," Leah said, "love me a bit less." Leah's long hair caught in her mouth, but she spits it out, "I can't have you standing around every corner, trying to push yourself on my family."
Judith's own grey eyes blazed. How dare she!
"This is my family too," said Jude, it was hopeless to tell her. Leah looked devastated, "why must you hold onto all this hate Lee-lee," she began to sob at her old name, "It is so much easier to forgive. Please forgive me Leah, let us find peace."
Leah would hear nothing of peace, "you think you have all the answers, well news flash, you are just as lost as us. You crushed Mom and Dad when you left."
Jude felt herself shake with the news, the guilt was terrible, "Did you know we went after you, drove to Conner's, and he hadn't seen you all day? None of your friends knew where you were, where were you Jude? We called the police station. I was so scared. No news after the first day, and no one knew a thing about where you went. Another runaway they called it, but we were scared. Dad said that you might be... you might be hurt somewhere, you might be worse than hurt," Jude had never known, but of course whose fault was that? They must have lost their minds, and Leah was right, where the hell was she? What was she thinking that day?
Jude wasn't thinking, and that was the answer. She was only thinking about herself.
"We thought you were kidnapped or dead until you sent us the letter that you were fine, and what a stupid letter you sent. It could never fix what you did to us. Where were you? WHERE WERE YOU!" Leah began pushing Jude, and Jude held her as she struggled.
Her little sister was strong and young, and for that Jude was sweating up a storm and straining her muscles to keep her near her. Leah got away, and Jude jumped her again almost being taken down as well... but Leah's resolve was breaking, "LIAR, SELFISH LIAR! I HATE YOU!" Leah screamed in her face.
It made Jude scream back, "I HATE MYSELF TOO," and let go of Leah, who she fell on her butt. They separated from one another like a taut rubber band looked painful, but the damage was already done, only the silence between them left after their passionate declarations.
Jude stared back at Leah.
They both suffered from her leaving. Leah suffered for what fates forced upon her: a horrible sister, the whole Sam and Emily thing, and how their tribe thought time would make it better if she was just ignored like a bad memory. Jude suffered for what she did to fool the fates. No one could completely change their future, or push it on someone else. She was destined to be more than a single girl with issues, but she was too afraid to become more when she had Jordan in her arms.
Changing things too quickly, it would drive them crazy.
Leah was breathless, panting with her hands on her knees, and a drizzle picked up around them.
"You're right," Judith grimaced while she straightened and fixed her jacket around her neck, and she rubbed her hand that was stinging from the bite and nail scratches. Her sister was worse than a cat. Leah had the eyes of one too, with her malicious cold death glare. The amulet hung around Jude's neck like an anchor, and she rubbed it trying to get over that her sister would ever give her a look like that, "I don't have all the answers, and I don't pretend to have them."
Leah drove it deep, "Then why did you come back? Why do you try?"
"I lost so much already," Jude told her, "I know now what is important, running away was never the answer. It was stupid, it was selfish," Jude could feel the sweat and drops fall down her neck, "I know that now, more than I can say, and there's nothing I can do to make it right. I can only push so much, and I don't want to push you anymore Leah."
"Good. I don't want you pushing me," she agreed.
"Good," Jude agreed right back.
What more could be said?
The fight have finally settled, and after all things were said and done, Jude could not help but feel a bit more relieved.
At least her sister had opened up to her.
Time would tell for other things.
Leah walked back in silence, their feet finding the path, continuing on their trek through dirt, gravel, and Jude followed her little sister's footsteps. Their silence did not make it better, and the running car was waiting for them but Leah refused to come with her.
After much pestering, Leah found her resolve, "I don't trust you anymore. You are unpredictable."
Her sister knew her too well, "I am trying Leah."
Leah was not finished, "You say you want to help us, be apart of our lives, but that is what you say now. What will be important next month? Or the month after? I don't trust you for a second Jude when you say that you aren't going anywhere. So, don't follow me, don't talk to me, and stay away from us," she ran away.
Judith cried when she lost sight of Leah.
She was right, trust had to be earned. She had lost the trust of her loved ones. Who would run away like that? A selfish person, or a the truly desperate girl she remembered? Jude was losing her mind back then, the fear of spirits attacking so great she had fouled herself some times, watching the invisible hands ripping at her clothes, and that was why she had to leave. That was her excuse she told herself when she lived far away from her family.Was she really forgetting why she came here? Jude knew the answer, even if Leah didn't believe it.
"You are Jude Clearwater. You are here for family. You are here for forgiveness," she said with gusto, and the mountains' winds as her only witness,"and to forgive. You stay as long as you are needed, and if you cause trouble, you leave. If you cause trouble, you need let them go. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do it."
She had already left behind her favorite person in the world.
The truth was, "the truth is," Jude whispered for anyone to hear, "I was pregnant when I left," she swallowed the falling tears in her mouth, "and now," she cleared her throat, "I left Jordan behind," not completely, but she knew that she wasn't going back to New Mexico, not for some time, "and a part of me wanted to, to save him from ever knowing me, of knowing how horrible his mother really is."
That was her secret, and Jude still had not forgiven herself.
She was too hurt to tell anyone, but she had finally said it aloud. The spirits of her ancestors must think her a sad case, and only the forest knew her darkest secret now.
At least that was a start.
o0o0o0o0o0TMS0o0o0o0o0o
Jude followed Leah.
She followed her like a stalker; albeit a stalker with good intentions to see her little sister home safe, but a stalker nevertheless.
How had Leah grown up so much? She already sounded like Harry, with words that moved people to change for the better. Jude missed her family. She parked a street down, and came in front of her house, well… her childhood home.
There was a moss-covered stump in the thick green foliage in front of the Clearwater Residence. It had been there since forever. Jude occupied it, her hair plastered to her cheeks, and her wet jeans rubbed against her inner thighs. Jude would get a rash for sure. She looked up at the looming and swaying canopy of evergreen trees. They looked welcoming this week-day evening. She put on bug spray and her rain jacket to watch a moment of the old life she had given up.
Seth came home after Leah did with a young man she had never seen before and a hop in his step. If Jude didn't know better, she would think that he had taken some prescribed happy pills or had just had the blow job of his lifetime. No one was that happy, all the time, but he was. Jude needed to let more happy people into her life.
When the first car pulled into her parents driveway, is when the first bugs try eating her. She smacked a pesky mosquito against her neck, and her palm comes back red. The sucker got her.
She looks up to see someone get out of the car.
It is her mother.
Sue Clearwater was still driving her old green jeep. The one she got out of college when she married Harry. Jude's mother leaned backwards yanking two brown bags from the Jeeps' backseat. She got groceries for dinner. Jude watches her huff and puff to the front door, struggling to turn the knob, and for a moment she imagines herself going over there and helping her. It would not be wise. Jude doesn't do it. A blue jay swoops down near her, and Jude throws some sunflower seeds at it. She could share her snacks.
Sue is already done with bringing the groceries when Seth and Leah come out to help. Their Mother was not happy, and tells them to help her carry things in when she brings them food to eat. It makes Jude laugh. The bluejay is getting more confident, and she could pick it up if she bent down now. It flies away as she tries. Birds are fast.
"Good evening Harry," a man in a car yells as a rusty truck rolls up to her curb.
"Evening!"
The man in the old Chevy chugs to where the taxi had dropped her off two weeks before, and Jude's heart races. Harry came out of the truck, older, rounder around the center, but still Harry. She expected him to change, to be different, but she didn't see it. He walks up the steps, stamps his boots, and puts his hat on the tarnished gold beg that hangs next to the off-white door. It was such a familiar sight it makes her want to start blubbering.
Very slowly, Harry turns and looks her way.
Jude holds her breath. Of course he would find her watching, like a stalker, an outcast of her own making.
Harry leaned against the porch, looking out to her, but she was sure he could not see her. He wouldn't be so calm if he had, but a girl could wish. Jude wanted to believe that he already knew she was here. She was her daughter, his first-born, and his first baby. Jude was crying again. How could he not know she was here? He didn't call out to her. Instead he sat on one of the porch's chairs, pulled out a cigarette, and smoked it, and puffing out smoke from his mouth like a natural.
Judith sat enraptured.
He was still the same, and she always knew he never would give up that awful habit.
Harry Clearwater never cared much about his health, only well-being of his family and friends and that trait was what made him so endearing. His lovable non-nonsense, I don't give a shit, listen to what I say, not what I do, type of attitude. Very few people could love you the way he did. Jude should have listened to him more, had more patience, and told him she loved him. Why had she held herself back from telling him how much she loved him?
Sue poked her head out, and Harry went inside, while throwing away the cigarette before entering his home. They would sit to have dinner, talk about their day, and get to tell each other the things they wanted. Family was beautiful when you couldn't have it.
Jude had seen enough.
o0o0o0o0o0TMS0o0o0o0o0o
Later on that night, she cooked her first meal for Billy, mostly to make up for ditching him the first day he allowing her to stay in his home. She made more than enough leftovers for his son, an unsaid thanks for giving them the whole house the first day of Spring Break, without his unwelcoming presence, and Billy answer was that it would have been boring if she had not come, and boring if she had stayed in today. Jake slept all day, and Billy made use of himself by whittling in the back, "that's beautiful Billy," Billy happily showed her a necklace of crescent moons, "who is that for?"
"I made one for Rachel and Rebecca," he said, showing her the other, "I am going to give it to her when she comes back from Washington State later on this week, she is going to see Rebecca later on this week, I would go to Hawaii too, but," he didn't expand on it, Jude knew it would never be her place to push for that information, he brought attention back to the bracelets, "they are beautiful aren't they?"
"They are! I am a little jealous, I wish my-" Jude stopped too, and Billy and her shared a sad smile with one another.
That was when his home phone rang, he picked it up, and came back to the kitchen table to give the phone to Jude, "who is it?"
"Take it Jude," was his simple answer.
It bothered her that he couldn't just tell her, she put it to her ear, "Hello?"
The person hanged up quickly.
"That's weird," Jude's eyes landed outside the open kitchen window, sunset cast the sky with orange and dark purples, and she put the phone down beside her, Billy giving her a curious look, "I guess it was the wrong number Billy."
"They'll call back," Billy sounded so sure as he rolled himself to the living room, turning on the television.
They did call back, Jude had to wipe her hands and wash the dishes so she could make the next meal, "Hello, this is Jude?"
They hung up again.
She refrained from slamming down the home phone, "Dammit."
When she came back inside after throwing out the trash, she had cleaned the kitchen as she waiting suspiciously, and now as she came back to it. The phone rang once more, taunting her.
"Hello? This is Jude?"
Still no one answered.
"Damn," she growled, "please don't hang up again," she groaned, "someone is prank-calling me Billy," she checked outside the window of Billy's house, the back-door expecting someone to be there, Casey, Leah, hell even a chuckling Seth and grew irritated that Billy was flipping through his channels not really bothering with her distress of her being prank called again and again.
The Dial tone made her sigh again.
She sat on the living room couch, bringing her legs up with her, watching what Billy thought was good television, "I am not answering the next one. I don't care who it is."
"Okay," Billy said in humor.
She really meant it, she told him so, and Billy didn't say anything to her, and Jude was secretly hoping it was her father that was calling and hanging up. There were times when this smacked her in the face. The longing she felt to talk to her father about him being sick. She couldn't ignore the caution and sadness that had come form her father's close friend Charlie Swan. The tightness she felt in her body when she thought of anything happening to her father.
Jude had returned to the kitchen, daydreaming as she cooked the salmon, and two other Clearwater meals when the phone started ringing, it made Judith jump.
She jumped on it, already prepared, "Hello, who are you? Why do you keep hanging up on me?
No answer. Once again.
"Is someone there?"
The person was still on the other end. Judith could hear them breathing this time.
"This is Judith Clearwater, I am going to hang up," Jude said, ready to hang up.
"Jude?"
"Yes," she didn't recognize the voice, "that's me."
The woman started crying, sniffling, and her sadness overwhelming. She knew that crying.
"Mommy?"
It had been her mother calling.
The crying increased in fervor and Judith stopped making her dinner.
She listened to her mother, silent, and wanting to speak, but afraid that it would make Sue Clearwater hang up, why out of all the moments did her mouth get dry, and her heart drop to her stomach. She was still in withdrawals from last time. Jude had been hurting from Leah the just earlier today, and dreading how her family would take her pushing after her father had specifically told her not to. She didn't know how much rejection her body could take.
"Jude, my Jude," her mother cried, her voice was so familiar, it hurt to listen to the pain in it, and the reason that it was there in the first place,"why, why did you leave us?"
Why?
She hated not saying the truth. She couldn't say the truth.
"I don't want to make excuses Mom, I was in the wrong," her mother sniffled, and Jude wanted to see her now, wanted to hold her, make her see the pain in her own heart, Billy rolled around the corner, giving her a look, Jude steeled her face, "It is not fair. I am a horrible person, and I have no answers."
That made her mother cry even more. Jude decided to just stay quiet. She was only making it worse.
"Jude," her mother finally says, "how are you?"
"Good," she said and then groaned at the stupid remark. Yeah, real smart of you Jude, she thought to herself, tell your mother you are good after running away for three years, " I'm okay, I am staying with Billy, he is taking care of me mom."
"Are you…" her mother became silent, she was really listening, "do you have food? Are you hungry?" That threw her off.
"I am making food right now, mom," she moved the pasta around in the pan, it smelled so good that it made her stomach rumble, "pasta with spiced mangoes," her Mom should know what that meant, because it was one of her recipes.
"You make food? You make my food?"
"Yes," Jude said in fervor, "Billy has to eat something Mom, and I have to represent the Clearwater traditions, and he honestly kept buying things might as well make food for him with it. He is so pushy Mom," she said aloud, and saying her name sent warm butterflies all over her body, "he said he always liked this plate of yours. He didn't like that I can't cook Dad's fish fry, but I can always learn," she was pushing her mother, but her mother had yet to hang up, so it must not have been too much for her.
Jude became brave as Billy rolled away from his hiding spot by the door, and back to his television, giving her some privacy, "How is Leah doing? Did she tell you I saw her this morning."
"Yes, she did tell us," said Sue, it was all she would give her.
"Is Dad there," she tried to say, "is he off work, how is he doing?"
"I have to go-" Sue hanged up, and Judith could guess why.
The Dial tone was loud in her ears, she pressed END, "Bye, mom," she began stirring the pasta, taking one in her mouth, and spitting it out. It was really hot. She rubbed the tip of her burnt tongue. That was what she got for being impatient. Her mother reaches out for her and she began firing questions about their family. Probably scared her off for good.
"What did Sue say?" Billy spoke up, she could tell he had never really been watching television.
"She is good, she asked how I was doing, we talked a bit," how dumb could she be to ever have left her in the first place, "I miss my mamma Billy," she sighed into her meal, "I miss cooking with her, spending time with her, even my dad, I miss fishing with him," she confessed.
"I know you do honey," Billy started flipping through the television channels, settling on a baseball game, really watching it now.
Jude knew, deep down, Billy should have told her the truth. That Jude should have felt that way three years ago.
It would have kept a whole bunch of pain from a whole bunch of good people.
