Mechanics
"Hey! Who drank all my eggnog?" Sam exclaimed, taking an empty carton from the fridge. "I told everybody in this house it was off limits!"
"Sorry, I got thirsty," seventeen-year old Emma said, coming into the kitchen. "Hey, are there anymore of those Christmas cookies left?"
"Oh, so you're going to finish those too?" Sam said, rolling her eyes as her daughter grabbed the plate of cookies from the counter.
"You know, you remember how I told you one day Karma would come around and get you back for eating all of my food when you were a kid?" Spencer said, looking up from the gingerbread house him, Carly, Clarissa and Ashton were working on at the table. "Well there it is! Revenge tastes pretty bitter, doesn't it?"
"Oh shut up!" Sam snapped.
"Okay, I think I finally got the last of this dang mistletoe down!" Freddie said, joining the others in the kitchen. "I swear, there must've been five pounds of this stuff hung around here."
"Hey! I spent an hour hanging that all up this morning," Carly said. "I thought it would look festive for the big Christmas Eve dinner tonight."
"Oh no, no, no," Freddie said, shaking his head. "I will not have all this stuff around the house."
"Wait, dad? You took all the mistletoe down?" Jason frowned as he came into the kitchen with everybody else. "Eileen is going to be here in an hour!"
"Yeah, and Quincy will be here any minute," Freddie said. "Do you want this stuff hanging around as an excuse for him and your little sister to be kissing all night?"
"Ugh, yeah, take that junk down," Jason cringed.
"You're insane," Sam said, shaking her head as she checked on the large ham in the oven.
"Don't worry baby, I saved some mistletoe for us," Freddie smiled.
"Oh lucky me," Sam smirked, rolling her eyes. She turned to Ashton at the table. "Ash? Did you and Emma clean out your room and set up the camping bed for Nicole? Melanie just texted me and said they'll be here soon."
"Yeah, it's all set up, mom," Ashton nodded. "I'm so glad Nicole's finally visiting again. She always brings the cutest outfits and lets me borrow them."
"And the pullout bed is all ready for us tonight too," Freddie told her.
"Okay," Sam said. "Though I don't know why Melanie and Cody can't sleep out there. It's our house!"
"Because they're our guests and it's the polite thing to do," Freddie said. "Now then, I need to get back outside."
"Why?" Clarissa asked. "It's snowing like crazy."
"He's trying to make sure our house has the best Christmas decorations this year," Ashton said, rolling her eyes. "He's been going crazy doing the lights and inflatable Santa's and all this other chiz."
"Wait! I wanna help!" Spencer said, jumping up.
"I thought you were making this gingerbread house with us," Carly pointed out.
"Yeah, but electrical stuff is so much more fun," Spencer said.
"That's the spirit!" Freddie said brightly. "Come on, I need to take another look at some of the mechanics on the singing snowman on the roof."
"You realize your house is going to be burned down any minute, right?" Carly said to Sam as Freddie and Spencer hurried outside.
"I'll go get the fire extinguisher ready," Sam sighed.
…..
"Sam!"
"Hey, Melanie," Sam said as her twin sister threw her arms around her. "Glad you could make it for Christmas…even if it does mean I have to spend the next week on the uncomfortable sofa bed."
"What was that?" Melanie asked.
"Nothing," Sam said quickly. "Hey Cody, hey Nicole."
"Hey, thanks for having us," Melanie's husband replied, giving Sam a quick kiss on the cheek.
"Yeah, I heard the shopping is great in Seattle this time of year," Melanie's twenty-year old daughter, Nicole nodded.
"Right?" Ashton grinned as her and Emma hugged their cousin. "We'll have to hit all the after-Christmas sales this weekend. Oh, and where did you get your hair done? I love it! And how's the modeling work been? Have you been in anymore magazines? Is it super fun? Do you get to keep all the clothes?"
"Jeez, let her breathe, you sound like some stupid groupie," Emma said.
"Nicole actually just found she's going to be featured in next month's Swimsuit Monthly issue," Melanie said proudly.
"Wow, that's…impressive," Sam said.
"Yes, it's lovely," Cody said, much less enthusiastically than his wife.
"Oh, it's no big deal," Nicole said modestly.
"So where's Freddie and the boys?" Melanie asked.
"Freddie's on the roof with Spencer trying to decorate every square inch of our chimney," Sam said. "And Jason and Tyler are…I dunno. Ashton, go get your brothers."
"Jason! Tyler! Get down here! Ashton yelled loudly.
"I meant go find them," Sam said. "Not break everyone's eardrums!"
"Well you should've been more specific then," Ashton shrugged.
"There my nephews are!" Melanie grinned as Jason and Tyler came downstairs.
"Hi, Aunt Melanie," the boys said as Melanie gave them each hugs.
"Alright, I have Christmas Eve presents for everyone to open before tomorrow morning," Melanie said excitedly.
"Really?" Tyler exclaimed. "You're the best, Aunt Melanie!"
"Hey, Nicole," Jason said. "You'll never guess what I found up in the attic last night…that old board game we used to play all the time when we were little!"
"No way, Candytopia?" Nicole grinned.
"Uh-huh!"
"Oh my God, we have to play that later!" Nicole laughed. "That was our favorite!"
"Jason, why don't you help these three bring their bags upstairs?" Sam said. "I need to get back in the kitchen and check on my ham."
"I'll be down to help you in a minute," Melanie said as Jason and Cody began to pick up all the suitcases. "I have a secret technique that can drain almost half the fat from any ham!"
"Yes…that's exactly what I want for Christmas," Sam mumbled as Melanie, Nicole, Cody and Jason started upstairs. "A healthy ham."
"I can't believe Jason!" Ashton said, crossing her arms. "He's stealing my cool cousin from me!"
"I'm pretty sure Nicole is his cousin too, genius," Emma pointed out.
"Yeah, but he doesn't appreciate her style and fashion wisdom like I do," Ashton pouted.
"Come on, Nicole and Jason used to hang out together all the time when she still lived in Seattle," Sam said. "They're really close."
"Not shopping close," Ashton muttered.
"Come on, come help me with the potatoes, Ash," Sam said. "They're your favorite."
"Fine," Ashton sighed.
"Em, Tyler? Wanna help too?" Sam asked.
"Nope," both teens said at once.
"Of course," Sam nodded.
"Man, where is Quincy?" Emma said, flopping down on the couch next to Tyler.
"Can't you go two seconds without making out with your boyfriend?" Tyler cringed.
"Can't you go two seconds without looking like a moron?" Emma snapped.
Just then there was a knock at the door and Emma jumped to her feet.
"That must be them! It's about time!" Emma said, quickly opening the door.
Before she could even say a simple hello to her boyfriend, though, Quincy's younger brothers, Huey and Kirby, shoved their way in, almost toppling Emma over.
"Hey! Watch it, dorks!" Emma said.
"Yeah! Don't trample my girlfriend you two!" Quincy said as him and his parents came inside.
"Alright! I brought my special Christmas hash browns!" Gibby said happily.
"Christmas hash browns?" Emma repeated, confused.
"Don't ask," Quincy sighed.
"Where are your parents?" Tasha asked politely.
"My mom's in the kitchen with Ashton and Aunt Carly and my dad's on the roof," Emma replied.
"What? Freddie promised me if he ever went on the roof he'd call me!" Gibby gasped. "He knows I love roof bonding!"
He quickly shoved his plate of hash browns into his wife's arms before darting back outside.
"I thought you told me Clarissa and her mom spent all day today covering this place in mistletoe," Quincy said to Emma as Tasha headed into the kitchen.
"My dad took it all down," Emma told him. "But that's okay…we don't need some stupid plant to do this."
She stood on her toes and gave him a gentle kiss.
"Gross!" Tyler gagged.
"Get a room!" Kirby echoed.
"You guys are lucky it's Christmas and mom made me promise not to hurt any of you!" Emma said, glaring at the three boys. She turned back to Quincy. "Come on, let's go upstairs. I did manage to save one thing of mistletoe."
"Sweet," Quincy grinned as Emma took his hand and led him upstairs.
"Those two are disgusting," Tyler said as his sister and Quincy disappeared upstairs.
"Yeah, yeah sure," Huey said quickly. "Now where is she, dude?"
"Where's who?" Tyler frowned, confused.
"Your hot cousin, Nicole!" Kirby said. "We heard she's going to be in Swimsuit Monthly!"
"Oh, she's upstairs with Jason," Tyler said.
"Well tell her to come down! We've been waiting all day to come over and see her!" Huey said anxiously
"So you guys have been waiting all day to come hit on my cousin?" Tyler said. "You're both pathetic!"
"She's a model!" Kirby defended.
"Yeah, and so is your mom," Tyler smirked.
"Ugh! Did you have to do that to us?" Huey groaned. "Now for the next week every time I see a model, all I'm going to be able to think about is my mom. Thanks a lot, Tyler! You know we try to forget that our mom is a…that!"
"Yeah! You know, the kids of models have it so hard," Kirby said. "Other guys get to drool over models all they want. But we get images of our moms when we do it!"
"Get over it," Tyler said. "Hey, my dad just shoveled our driveway. Wanna go try and do skate tricks outside?"
"Your driveway was frozen, we had to park on the street," Huey pointed out.
"Yes, which means we'll have less resistance for tricks," Tyler said as if it was obvious. "Now come on!"
"Okay," Huey and Kirby shrugged.
Just as Tyler opened his front door, though, he was met by Jason's girlfriend, Eileen, in mid-knock.
"Oh, hi Eileen," Tyler said. "Hey, did you bring pies from your parents shop?"
"Yup!" Eileen smiled.
"Did you bring the key lime?"
"Of course," Eileen chuckled. "Anyway, where's Jason?"
"Upstairs," Tyler replied.
"With the model," Huey mumbled enviously.
Eileen raised an eyebrow. "Um, what?"
"Yeah, he should be down soon, though," Tyler said. "We're going out to skate. See you, Eileen!"
"Um, okay…bye," Eileen said.
….
"You realize how uncomfortable that sofa bed is?" Sam said angrily as she tossed frozen rolls on a tray. "My back is going to be killing me."
"Well you can always come over and stay in our guest room," Carly offered as her and Clarissa and Tasha worked on the yams.
"Nah, Freddie won't go for that," Sam mumbled. "He's still going with this 'she's your sister and our guest' thing."
"I thought you were glad Melanie was coming to visit," Carly said.
"I am," Sam sighed. "But I want my bed. With my fluffy pillows and warm blanket and soft, non-springy mattress. You know, we should be kicking the kids out of their room and pushing them to sleep on that couch! Tyler's got the youngest back; I say he goes on the sofa bed and Freddie and I squeeze onto his bed."
"So you're going to push your child out of his own room?" Carly said, amused.
"It's called parenting," Sam corrected, opening one of the cabinet. "Alright! I had a bag of pork rinds in here. Where are they?"
"Emma finished them," Ashton replied.
"What?" Sam exclaimed. "She ate the whole bag? That's it! I swear, living with that kid is like living with a-a-a-"
"A you?" Carly offered helpfully.
"Yes!" Sam nodded. "How did you put up with me eating all your food? It's the worst! I mean I buy myself fancy cream sodas, Emma drinks them. I get chocolate donuts, Emma eats them all. I get fried chicken and it's gone before it even gets to the table!"
"Well just send Jason and Nicole out to go get more pork rinds," Ashton mumbled. "You know, since they're best friends now."
"Ashton…cool it, I'm sure Nicole will go shopping with you while she's here," Sam said, rolling her eyes. "And take you to do model stuff. But let her and Jason spend some time together too and-"
"Hi, Mrs. Benson," Eileen said, coming into the kitchen. "Tyler let me in."
"Oh, hi Eileen," Sam smiled. "Glad you could come. Jason's upstairs right now, but I'll go get him for you."
"Yeah, he's upstairs probably getting to hear all about how the Swimsuit Monthly photo shoot was," Ashton said.
"Hey, Aunt Tasha, you were in that magazine too, weren't you?" Clarissa said.
"Oh yeah," Tasha nodded. "It was a lot of fun! I remember one time Gibby surprised me in the middle of the shoot and we-"
"Hey, it is Christmas Eve!" Sam said. "No one wants to hear that!"
"Um, so who-who's this model Jason's hanging out with?" Eileen asked, giving a weak chuckle.
"Oh, don't worry, it's just-" Sam started, but she was interrupted by Freddie calling to her from outside.
"Sam! Sam come look at my masterpiece of a roof!" Freddie said proudly.
"Ugh, let me go see the damage," Sam sighed. "Ashton, go get Jason and tell him Eileen is here."
"Fine," Ashton agreed. "Even though he stole my-"
"Just go!"
Sam headed outside, shivering as the cold wind wrapped around her body. "Alright, nub, let's see this before I get frostbite. Where are you?"
"I told you, on the roof!" Freddie called again, and Sam looked up to see her husband, Spencer and Gibby all standing on their now fully-decorated roof.
"What? So you put some more lights up?" Sam shrugged, clearly unimpressed.
"Oh, we did a lot more than put lights up!" Spencer said.
"Yeah, hold onto your socks, this is awesome," Gibby said. "And we got some roof bonding out of it."
"Er, yeah," Freddie said slowly. "Let me just plug this stuff in and then prepare to be amazed, baby!"
"I'd rather be warm!" Sam yelled back up. "Hurry it up so I can go back inside and-"
"Watch out, mom!" Tyler said, whizzing past her on his skateboard, crashing into a pile of snow. "Whoa! That was awesome!"
"Tyler!" Sam cried. "What are you doing?"
"We're just skating," the thirteen-year old replied, getting up and brushing the snow off himself.
"On the frozen driveway?" Sam exclaimed. "You three are going to break a leg or something!"
"But we're being careful," Huey said.
"Ha! Last week you three tried to tie your sleds to the back of my car while I was on my way to the grocery store," Sam scoffed. "You guys don't know the definition of careful!"
She looked back up at the roof. "Yo! Fredwad! Gibson! Weren't you paying attention to your kids up there? Why do I have to be the responsible one and tell them not to do stupid things? You know that goes against everything I believe in!"
"Huh? Oh…Tyler, stop doing…whatever it was you were doing," Freddie said quickly. "Okay, Sam, you ready? In five, four, three, two…ta-da!"
The roof suddenly lit up, giving life to one of the most remarkable light displays Sam had seen.
"Wow," she grinned. "That is pretty cool. And Spencer didn't set anything on fire!"
"I know! The fire department would be so proud!" Spencer said. "If they were still taking my calls…"
"Yeah, this really is impressive," Gibby said proudly. "See what a little roof bonding will do? I say we do this every weekend and-"
"Um…no, let's-let's not," Freddie said. "Hey, Sam? Why don't you go get Emma? She's the one who picked out these lights at the store; she should see them in action!"
"I think she's busy upstairs with Quincy," Sam replied.
"Wait, what?" Freddie yelped. "Busy doing what? Sam! Why are you letting our daughter upstairs by herself with her boyfriend?"
"Oh relax, I'm sure they're just making out," Sam said, rolling her eyes.
"That does not make me feel any better!" Freddie snapped.
"Dude, it's okay, I bought Quincy some new chapstick," Gibby assured him.
"I don't care about Quincy's chapped lips!" Freddie said. "I care about the fact that they're all over my daughter!"
"Hey, his lips aren't chapped! That's what the chapstick was for."
"Tyler! Kirby! Huey!" Freddie yelled down to the kids, ignoring Gibby's comment. "Go do your job as annoying little siblings and bug those two!"
"But we want to stay outside!" Tyler moaned.
"Go annoy your sister and Quincy and I'll pay you each five bucks," Freddie said.
"Done!" Tyler said. "Come on, guys. We can go test out my new slingshot."
"You're the father-of-the-year, baby," Sam said, shaking her head. "Now will you three get down from there? Dinner's almost ready and I will not eat cold ham."
"Yeah, be down in a sec," Freddie said, heading towards the ladder. "Let me just try and steady this thing so I can-Ah!"
As he was starting down the ladder, his foot skipped a ring and he tumbled down into the snow.
"Whoa, Freddie! Are you alright?" Sam gasped, rushing over to her husband.
"Dude! You fell!" Spencer yelled, still on the roof.
"Yeah! I noticed!" Freddie snapped, wincing in pain as he slowly sat up. "Ah! My back!"
"Do you think you broke anything?" Sam asked, concerned.
"No," Freddie said, still cringing in pain. "I think I just threw out my back. Ah! Yup, the back's thrown out."
"Okay, here, let's get you inside and I'll get some ice for you," Sam said. "And some pain pills that-wait a minute…baby, this is great!"
"Well I'm glad you think so!" Freddie said as Gibby and Spencer jumped down from the ladder and joined the couple.
"No, I mean this is the perfect excuse for us to push Melanie and Cody onto the sofa bed while they're here!" Sam grinned. "You can't sleep on that contraption with a hurt back! Yes, Mama gets her own bed back! Aw, thank you for getting hurt, Fredward."
"Don't mention it," Freddie said bitterly as Spencer helped him to his feet. "Glad I could play a part in making sure you get a good nights rest while I spend the night withering in pain!"
"Oh man up, you'll be fine," Sam said, beginning to rub his back. "See, I'll give you a nice massage and you'll feel better. But still pretend your back hurts so Melanie and Cody won't have any choice but to give us the bed back."
"Hey, can I get a massage next?" Gibby asked. "I've been having a lot of tension between the vertebrae lately."
"I wouldn't touch your back with a ten-foot pole," Sam said simply. She turned back to Freddie. "Feel any better, baby?"
"Yeah, a little, actually," Freddie nodded. "If you could just go a little higher and-"
"Sam!" Carly said, sticking her head out the door. "Your ham's ready to come out of the oven!"
"Finally!" Sam said excitedly, quickly abandoning her husband's back. "Dinner time! Let's move, boys!"
"Wait, Sam I can't-ugh!" Freddie moaned as Sam ran inside.
"Well, at least you have us!" Spencer said brightly. "Don't worry, Fred-O. We'll help you inside."
"Yeah, the roof gang needs to stick together," Gibby nodded.
"Please, never call us that again," Freddie winced.
…
"Look at this beauty," Sam said as she slid the large ham out of the oven. "Man I can't wait to dig in."
"It looks good, Mrs. Benson," Eileen said. "It looks even better than this dish I saw on-"
"Hey, Eileen!" Jason said, coming into the kitchen with Nicole behind him. "I was wondering where you were."
"Oh," Eileen said, crossing her arms. "Too busy with your new model friend to realize I've been here for half-an-hour?"
"Model friend?" Jason frowned. "You mean Nicole?"
"Hi!" Nicole said to Eileen. "Are you Jason's girlfriend? It's so nice to meet you."
"Yeah, I bet," Eileen snapped.
"Huh?" Nicole said, confused.
"Wait, Eileen, I think you must be confused," Jason said. "See, Nicole is my-"
"No, no, you can be friends with as many models as you want," Eileen said coldly. "I wouldn't want to get in the way of your social life."
"Um, shouldn't you help Jason out?" Carly said to Sam as they watched Jason try and point out that Nicole was his cousin.
"Nah, this is pretty entertaining," Sam grinned as Freddie slowly shuffled into the kitchen.
"Chair, chair…I need a chair," Freddie said, lowering himself into his seat quickly. "Ah…that's better."
"What happened to you?" Carly asked.
"He fell off the roof," Spencer said simply.
"What?" Carly exclaimed.
"It was great, I'm gonna get to sleep so well tonight," Sam said happily.
"Yes, yes, that's wonderful," Freddie said. "Now where is everybody? My back feels like it got run over by a freight train and I just want to have a nice relaxing Christmas Eve meal without any stress and-"
"Dad!" Emma yelled, storming into the kitchen with Tyler, Kirby, Huey, and Quincy behind her. "You sent the Three Stooges up to my room to bug me and Quincy? What's your problem?"
"Hey, Quince? Did the new chapstick hold up?" Gibby asked his son.
"Gibby!" Freddie snapped.
"Hey, Nicole?" Ashton said, coming up to her cousin with Clarissa. "So I was thinking the day after Christmas, you, me and Clarissa could go to the mall and get our nails done. I'm sure you know all sorts of cool designs to get done. You know, once you're done spending time with Jason. I know you guys are really close and all, but-"
"Not that close!" Jason said quickly, catching sight of his girlfriend's face. "Or yeah, we're close, but she's my cousin!"
"Wait, she's your cousin?" Eileen frowned.
"Yes! That's what I've been trying to tell you!" Jason nodded. "See, now don't you feel better and not-Ow!"
Eileen swatted Jason's shoulder. "Well why did you let me think she was just some random model chick you were flirting with? Huh?"
"What? What are you talking about? That doesn't even make sense!" Jason exclaimed. "I just-"
"Son, just apologize and move on," Freddie sighed. "Trust me. It's the only option."
"Wow, everything smells good," Melanie said brightly, coming down with Cody. "Oh, Sam? I didn't realize how comfortable your bed is. It's so nice of you and Freddie to let us stay in it while we're here."
"Yeah…real nice," Sam said. "Freddie will talk to you about that after dinner."
"What? Why me?" Freddie hissed.
"Okay! Everybody!" Sam yelled loudly, causing the previously chaotic kitchen to go silent. "Time to eat! So everybody sit down and shut up!"
"I call first dibs on the ham!" Emma said as everyone scrambled for his or her seats.
"Nice try, kid," Sam smirked, quickly grabbing the ham plate and helping herself to the largest piece. "But when it comes to ham, I always win."
"You know," Freddie said to Sam as everybody began to dig in. "I've got to say…this has been one of our more peaceful Christmas Eve dinners, don't you think?"
"Yeah," Sam agreed. "A lot better than last year when Gibby brought that armadillo over and it wound up-"
"Don't!" Freddie said quickly. "I never want to think about that again."
