Onion

"-And boom! That's five games of Chinese checkers in a row I win!" Sam triumphantly to her husband as the couple sat at their kitchen table. "So you count that with the three games of Go Fish, one game of Monopoly and twelve games of tic-tac-toe, I am officially the gaming champion!"

"Yeah, yeah," Freddie mumbled as he began putting the board away. "Man, I wish the cable was back."

"Seriously," Sam sighed.

"So where are the kids? Shouldn't they be home from school by now?" Freddie asked, setting the game down on the counter.

"Nah, Tyler's carpool is taking him to his baseball practice and the girls are working on a project with a classmate. Actually though, one of us needs to go pick them up soon. Ashton texted me the address of the girl earlier."

"Oh okay, I'll go get them," Freddie said. "And on my way back I can even swing by the park and get Tyler."

"You just want an excuse to get out of the house so I can stop creaming you in all these games," Sam smirked.

"Well you cheated in those tic-tac-toe rounds!" Freddie defended.

"You can't cheat in tic-tac-toe," Sam said rolling her eyes.

"Well you did!" Freddie snapped just as his phone began to ring. He pulled it out of his pocket and looked down at the screen. "Oh, perfect timing, that's Emma probably telling me to come get her and Ashton."

He quickly answered. "Hi Em, I'm leaving the house now to come get you and your sister."

"Alright, well is mom coming?" Emma asked.

"Um, no, she's staying here to try and think up more ways to defile the classic game of tic-tac-toe," Freddie said. "Why?"

"Well this girl whose house we're at says her mom wants to meet both of Ashton and mine's parents," Emma explained.

"Um, really?"

"Yeah, she said her mom is really strict and will only let her hang out with people if she's met both their parents," Emma said. "And we need to work on this project tomorrow too, so we kind of need to see this chick again."

"Um, well, okay, I'll tell your mom," Freddie said. "I just think it's a little strange that-"

"Please, strange doesn't even begin to describe this girl," Emma scoffed. "She's a total loser and weirdo!"

"Please tell me you're saying this stuff out of earshot," Freddie sighed.

"I mean I can only imagine how much of a psycho her mom must be," Emma continued.

"Emma, be nice, you can't just insult people in their own homes!" Freddie said. "Your mom and I will be there soon."

"Alright, bye," Emma said, hanging up.

"Okay, Sam, you get to come with me to pick up the twins," Freddie said.

"Why?" Sam asked.

"I dunno, their classmate's mom wants to meet both of us," Freddie shrugged.

"Pfft, that's stupid," Sam said.

"Come on, I'm sure she's just trying to be a concerned parent," Freddie reasoned. "We like to meet the parents of the kids our children hang out with."

"Yeah, but we don't summon them both down like this," Sam pointed out.

"Just come on, " Freddie said.

….

"Alright, that's the house on the left I think," Sam said as her and Freddie drove down a street several blocks from their home.

"Got it," Freddie nodded, pulling into the driveway.

The two walked up to the front door and knocked.

"Hey…is that a chicken?" Sam frowned, looking at the corner of the front porch where a small hen was sitting on an old rocking chair.

"Well, I guess they have a pet then," Freddie said.

"That's not a pet, that's dinner," Sam mumbled.

A few moments later the front door opened and a lanky, awkward looking girl appeared in front of them.

"Um, hello," Freddie said politely. "We're Emma and Ashton's parents. They told us your mother wanted to meet us and-"

"Oh I know who you are!" the girl said excitedly. "Come in, come in, it's so nice of you to come."

"Well, er, thank you," Freddie said as him and Sam stepped into the house and spotting their daughters on the couch, both looking less-than-thrilled to be there at the moment.

"I'll go fetch mother," the girl said. "She'll be so delighted you're here."

"Er, great," Freddie said. "We're-we're real glad to meet her too…"

Once the girl had run out of the room, Sam turned to the twins. "Okay, what planet is that girl from?"

"Right?" Emma nodded.
"Sam!" Freddie hissed.

"Dad, even I have to agree with them on this one," Ashton whispered. "Noreen is so weird! I mean at first I was sort of glad Ms. Kilwin paired me and Emma up with her because she was the new girl and I wanted to try and make her feel welcome, but ever since we got here she's been freaking me out! Her family has a pet hen that she treats like royalty, she keeps talking about clowns and she listens to those rectangular CD things."

"You mean cassettes?" Freddie said, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah, those," Ashton nodded.

"See? Psycho," Sam said.

"Okay, am I the only one here decent enough to celebrate people's differences instead of writing them off as weird or psycho?" Freddie frowned. "Girls, you need to learn that the world is made up of all sorts of people. You can't-"

"Here they are, mother," Noreen said, returning to the room. "All gathered as you requested."

"Wonderful!" they heard a voice say from the hall outside the living room. "Just wonderful. Now, with two-thirds of the original iCarlies here, I can finally get revenge!"

"iCarlies?" Freddie frowned.

"Revenge?" Sam said slowly. "What is going-No!"

Her and Freddie's widened in shock as Noreen's mother walked into the room, and they were faced with none other than Nora Dershlit.

"Hello iCarlies!" Nora said, beaming. "Long time no see, huh? Oh…giggle."

"What-What are you-Aren't you in prison?" Freddie exclaimed.

"Oh I was, Freddie, I was!" Nora grinned. "For five long, tiresome years!"

"Wait, is the girl who you told us trapped you guys and Aunt Carly in her basement when you were kids?" Ashton frowned.

"And then trapped you guys again a year later and tied Uncle Spencer to a wheel?" Emma asked.

"Yes!" Sam said, glaring at Nora. "Alright, Nora, I don't know what kind of sick, twisted stunt you're trying to pull, but we're out of here!"

"Yeah, let's go girls," Freddie said to the twins as they headed to the door. "You know, Nora, I have half a mind to call the police on you! It was one thing for you to try and play your little games back when we were younger, but now you're trying to bring our kids into it? That's just-Um, why's the door locked?"

He jiggled the doorknob again.

"Unlock it!" Sam hissed.

"Oh, you can't unlock that door, silly Sam," Nora chuckled. "It's locked with industrial locks that can't be picked, broken or destroyed in anyway. The only way out is with a key that I've hidden so well that it will never be found."

"Let's try the windows!" Sam said, running over to the window next to the door.

"Sam, it's no use," Freddie sighed. "It's probably made of-"

"Maxi-glass!" Nora said proudly as Sam tried unsuccessfully to break through the glass with a nearby chair.

"Mom? Dad? What's going on?" Ashton asked slowly.
"Why did they lock us in?" Emma questioned.

"Because!" Nora said. "All I've ever wanted was to have friends! But because I was forced unfairly into prison, I was never given the opportunity to have any!"

"No, I think the reason you don't have any friends is because you're a psycho who locks people in her house!" Sam yelled.

"Silence!" Nora snapped. Then she returned to her happy demeanor. "Anyway, when I got out of prison, I made a vow that if I were to ever get married and have kids, I would make sure they had friends!"

"Nora, please, this is completely ridiculous!" Freddie reasoned. "You need to let us go right now and-wait…Are-Are you saying you're married?"

"Gross, what would marry her?" Sam cringed.

"Oh no, don't worry Freddie, I'm still very available," Nora said, flipping her hair in an attempt to look flirty. "For some reason, none of my several attempts at online dating worked out. No one ever clicked on my profile…"

"Gee, I wonder why," Sam scoffed.

"So I then decided to be a strong, independent, twenty-first century woman and adopt my own kid!" Nora said happily, putting her arm around Noreen.

"Er, well that's a very, um, inspirational story," Freddie said. "But I'm serious Nora, you better let me, Sam and our daughters go right now or-"

"Oh no," Nora said. "I'm afraid you all won't be leaving for quite some time. You see, despite all my efforts, poor Noreen also seems to have trouble making friends."

"It's true," Noreen nodded. "In my sixteen years, I've never had one person to call a 'pal' or 'buddy'. No one to have sleepovers with or gossip about boys or tell my deepest, darkest secrets to."

"Aw," Ashton said. "That's so sad."

"What? That's not sad!" Emma snapped. "Can't you tell Noreen and her mom are total lunatics!"

"Yeah, but they're friendless lunatics," Ashton shrugged.

"Oh jeez," Sam mumbled, rolling her eyes.

"But now I've finally solved the problem!" Nora said. "For both of us! By brining you here, my precious Noreen will finally have not one, but two friends, and I'll have my own friends as well! Oh, this is so great I think I might puke! Wait…I know I can control my vomit if I just-"

"Alright, Nora," Sam said, stepping closer to the woman as she swallowed a gag. "This is how it's going to work. You unlock the door and let Fredwad, the twins, and me go, or I'm going to beat you up so bad that you won't be able to tell whether you conscious or unconscious."

"Yeah! Get her mom!" Emma cheered.

"Must you act so excited about violence?" Freddie sighed.

"Duh, it's fun," Emma nodded.

"Sam, Sam, Sam," Nora said, shaking her head. "You're not going to hurt me."

"Wanna bet?" Sam said, raising her fist.

"Well if you hurt me, then I guess that means you don't care what happens to Carly!" Nora said quickly, and Sam lowered her fist at once.

"Carly?" Sam repeated.

"What did you do with Carly?" Freddie frowned.

"Oh, nothing," Nora smiled. "I just snuck into her house last night and planted a little device that would emit a special gas I developed in prison that would render her confused and delirious for up to two weeks at the press of a button connected to my cellphone!"

Sam crossed her arms. "You're bluffing."

"Am I? Are you willing to take that risk?"

"Sam…you know what Nora's capable of," Freddie said. "We can't chance that she's not bluffing. She could really hurt Carly! And Clarissa and Andy!"

"Well then how are we going to get out of here?" Sam asked. "What about Tyler? He's just sitting at baseball practice now all scared and alone because we're not going to be able to pick him up!"

"We'll think of something," Freddie assured her, putting a comforting arm around her. "We'll get out of this."

"No you won't!" Nora said. "Now then, time for us friends to all some fun!"

"Emma, Ashton! Come up to my room and see my neat doll collection!" Noreen said.

"We don't want to see your dolls," Emma said. "What teenager still plays with dolls?"

"Um, girls? Might I remind you what's going to happen if you don't behave?" Nora said.

"Hey, er, why doesn't Noreen bring her dolls down here and the girls can stay with us while we all hang out in this room?" Freddie suggested.

"Oh, I see what you're saying!" Nora said. "We should all be friends together! See, at least someone's on board! Noreen, you go bring the dolls. I'll go into the kitchen and cook up some tasty treats for us all. Oh, and in case you have any ideas, if you'll check your pockets, you'll all see that your cellphones were taken from you when I came down."

Sam, Freddie, Emma and Ashton all immediately felt their pockets, only to find them empty.

"How did she take our phones?" Ashton gasped.

"Oh it's just a little skill I picked up," Nora said. "In prison! Alright, you guys wait here while I go get the food. Like you have any choice…"

"Well, believe it or not, when I woke up this morning, I wasn't planning on being kidnapped!" Emma snapped.

"Look, we-we'll get out of this," Freddie said.

"How?" Sam demanded.

"Um…I don't know," Freddie admitted. "But we'll figure out something. I mean someone will notice something's up. Look, once Tyler realizes that we're not picking him up from baseball practice, hopefully he'll have enough sense to call Carly or someone! And then maybe they'll be able to piece together what happened to us!"

"So our fate is going to be determined by Tyler using common sense?" Ashton frowned. "That kid can't remember to take off his shoes before getting into the shower half the time!"

"She has a point," Sam nodded.

"Ugh! Why did you guys have to have such weird things happen to you when you were kids? Couldn't you just have been normal teenagers?" Emma moaned. "Now we're getting dragged into everything!"

"We'll get out of this!" Freddie said. "We just need to-"

"Alright, I've got our food!" Nora announced, returning to the room with a large tray. "We have dried cod topped with raw onions and pickled pig hooves!"

"Pickled pig hooves?" Sam repeated. "Wow, Nora…you've actually managed to find the one part of the pig I won't eat."

"I have the dolls!" Noreen said, coming back down with three dolls in her arms. She handed a blonde doll to each of the twins.

"Holy chiz! These things look just like us!" Ashton exclaimed, looking at the dolls which were in fact very close replicas of her and her sister.

"Okay, this is a whole new level of creepy now," Emma said. "Why do you have dolls that look just like us?"

"Because," Noreen grinned, holding up her own doll, which looked almost exactly like her. "I've been waiting for this for a long, long time. Now come on, friends. Let's go and have a nice tea party."

….

"Now this is a picture of me standing next to a cardboard cutout of Kelly Clarkson," Nora said as she flipped through a massive photo album. "Oh! And this is a picture of me standing next to a guy who looked like Ricky Martin…and here's-"

"We've been looking at your stupid pictures for three hours now!" Sam snapped. "Can you cool it?"

"Well!" Nora huffed, pulling out her cellphone. "It looks like someone forgot what would happen if someone didn't behave? Would you like to have a confused Carly on your hands for the next two week?"

"Fine, fine, we'll keep looking at the photo album," Freddie said quickly.

"Aw, see, why can't you be sweet like Freddie?" Nora said, rubbing Freddie's back, making Freddie squirm uncomfortably. "You know, Freddie, if you ever get tired of the rudeness…we can always become more than friends. You get what I'm saying? Huh? Huh? Oh, of course you do! Oh, it looks like we're running low on oyster juice! Noreen, come help me fetch some more."

"Coming, mother," Noreen said, setting down her doll and following her mother back into the kitchen.

As soon as the two left, the twins got up off the floor, throwing their dolls down as they stepped over to their parents.

"We hate this!" Emma snapped.

"Oh, and you dad and I are having the time of our lives here!" Sam said.

"She can't really keep us here forever, can she?" Ashton asked.

"No, I keep telling you," Freddie said. "We'll figure out a way to-I got it!"

"What do you got?" Sam asked.

"Well, see, I don't know if you've noticed, but Nora seems to kind of still have a thing for me."
Sam rolled her eyes. "No, really?"

"Anyone could see, that, dad," Ashton said.

"Oh," Freddie said. "Well, anyway, why don't I distract Nora by maybe flirting with her a little, and the girls could keep Noreen distracted. Sam, that would leave you free to grab Nora's cellphone that would release that gas in Carly's house and she'd have no leverage over us anymore! And then you can, well, not that I'd ever encourage you to use violence, but in this case-"

"You want me to beat her up?" Sam grinned.

"Er, yeah, that would be great," Freddie nodded. "What do you guys think?"

"Let's do this!" Emma nodded. "I am not going to sit around here and play dolls forever."

"Yeah, we need to get out of here," Ashton nodded.

"Good," Freddie said. He turned to Sam. "Now, you won't be jealous or anything while I flirt with Nora?"

"Oh I'll try and hold myself together," Sam smirked. "Quick! She's coming!"

"Fresh oyster juice for all us friends!" Nora smiled, coming back into the room with a pitcher of gray liquid.

"Wow, mother, this is just as delightful as you said it would be," Noreen said. "Friends really do make everything better."

"Hey, um, Noreen?" Emma said. "Why-Why don't we change our dolls into those, er, nice dresses you have?"

"Yeah, it would be so fun to pretend these, um, dolls were going out to a party or the mall or something," Ashton nodded.
"Why yes, that does sound like a hoot!" Noreen said. "You see! Everybody loves dolls if they give it a chance!"

"Aw, look at them, all cozy like pals," Nora said to Sam and Freddie.

"Yeah, real cozy," Freddie said. "Hey, Nora? I love that shirt on you. The color really brings out, um…your eyes."

"Really?" Nora said. "Thank you, Freddie, what a nice thing to say. I love your shirt too. It really shows those biceps."

"Oh, well, thanks," Freddie said, somewhat lamely. "Hey, um, if-if you want, you can, you know, touch my biceps."

Nora gasped. "I can?" Then she lowered her voice. "But what about Sam? Won't she get upset?"

"Oh who cares what she thinks," Freddie said. "She doesn't appreciate me or my biceps anyway. Not like you do, Nora."

I'm about to puke, Sam thought as she slowly inched towards Nora. Being married all these years has made the nub lose the little bit of flirting skill he had!

But just as Sam was about to grab Nora's cellphone that was sticking out of her back pocket, Nora suddenly spun around. "Ah-ha!"

"Nora! Wait! Feel the bicep!" Freddie cried.

"Well…isn't this a twist in events!" Nora said, scandalized. "My friends are trying to trick me?"

"I worked out yesterday! They're all firm!" Freddie tried again.

"Nora! Get it through your head!" Sam snapped. "We're not your friends! And our kids aren't friends with your whacko daughter either! This is the third time you've done this! When are you going to just accept that you're never going to-"

She was cut off, though, by the front door suddenly slamming down and none other than Quincy Gibson walking in.

"What the-" Nora exclaimed.

"Quincy?" Freddie frowned.

"Whoa! Quincy! How did you do that?" Emma gasped, rushing over to her boyfriend. "You're not strong!"

"Oh, um, that wasn't me," Quincy admitted. He looked over his shoulder as Gibby walked in over the rubble.

"Gibby!" he yelled menacingly.
"Gib!" Freddie said. "You-How did you-Why are you-"

"Dude! Don't sit around asking questions, we're free!" Sam pointed out. "Let's get out of here and-"

"Nobody moves!" Nora yelled, holding up her cellphone. "Or Carly and her little family get the gas in their house!"

"What gas?" Gibby asked, confused. "Hey, who's the geeky girl in the glasses?"

"Oh, that's Nora's daughter, Noreen" Freddie said.

"Nora had a kid?" Gibby frowned, looking repulsed. "With, like, another person?"

"No, she adopted Noreen," Freddie replied.
"Oh, right," Gibby nodded.
"Now then!" Nora snapped. "Everybody is going to stay right where they are or Carly's house will be filled with-"

"Um, you guys all realize that Aunty Carly and all of them aren't home…right?" Quincy frowned.

Everybody turned to look at the boy.

"What are you talking about, Quince?" Freddie frowned.

"Yeah, why wouldn't she be home?" Ashton asked.

"Because they left for their vacation this morning," Quincy said as if it was obvious. "Remember? Clarissa wasn't even at school today."

"Oh…yeah," Emma nodded.

"What?" Sam exclaimed. "You girls knew this and you didn't say anything? We could've been out of here hours ago!"

"But aren't you the one who was supposed to water all of Carly's plants this afternoon?" Quincy said.

Sam blinked. "Oh…yeah."

"Wait, wait, wait," Freddie said, shaking his head. "You're telling me we've been stuck in this house for three hours because we didn't want to hurt Carly and her family…when they left for vacation this morning! None of us remembered that important little detail?"

"Well Carly says a lot of things; I can't keep track of it all!" Sam defended.

"Yeah, and Clarissa always gets to go on cool field trips with student government, I figured that's where she was today," Emma shrugged.

"Wait…so if Aunt Cary and everybody aren't in any danger…why are we still here?" Ashton asked.
Sam, Freddie, and Gibby exchanged look.

"Well," Freddie said, stepping towards the broken door. "Bye Nora!"

"See ya, Psycho!" Sam said as everybody headed out of the house.

"Later, freaks!" Emma said, taking Quincy's hand.

"But-But Wait!" Nora yelled. "Come back! We didn't even get to knit friendship scarves!"

"But what about my friends? Mother promised me friends!" Noreen said.

"Oh don't worry," Sam smirked. "Juvie's a great place to make friends. Prison…not so much. Tough break, Nora."

"Hey, is that oyster juice?" Gibby asked, looking over at the pitcher on the coffee table. He ran over and grabbed it, taking a long sip. "Ah! Yup, hits the spot."

….

"Wait, so tell me again how you guys figured out what happened?" Sam said later that evening as Gibby, Quincy, Tyler, Emma, Ashton, Freddie and her sat around the Benson's kitchen table, eating a pizza.

"Well I went to go pick up Huey from baseball practice," Quincy said. "And Tyler was still there and he said you guys hadn't shown up yet. So I waited with him, but after twenty minutes you guys still hadn't come. So I drove Tyler back here, but you guys weren't here either. I called Emma and Ashton but they didn't pick up. So I went over to my house and asked my dad if he knew where you guys were, and he said no. And then I remembered Emma telling me her and Ashton were working with that new girl, Noreen, at her house on our history project. So I looked up Noreen's address on our computer and when I did, a picture of her mom popped up, and my dad said that it was the crazy girl who kidnapped you guys when you were kids. So we drove over, my dad broke down the door and, well, you know the rest."

"Whoa…that was smart," Sam said, amazed. "I can't believe you're Gibby's kid."

"Yeah, well," Quincy grinned, taking the pitcher of oyster juice from his father and taking a large gulp. "What can I say?"

"Gross!" Emma cringed. "There's no way I'm kissing you with oyster juice breath."
"Drink as much of that stuff as you like, Quincy," Freddie said. He turned back to Sam. "I just hope that this time, Nora stays locked up for good. And her crazy daughter. "

"The police said she'd be going away for a long time," Sam shrugged. "And my cousin Kelly was just put in the same prison Nora is going to last month. I might drop her a phone call and have her teach Nora a little lesson about kidnapping people…"

"What sort of lesson?" Gibby asked, confused.

"A painful one," Freddie chuckled.

"You mean like math or something?" Gibby frowned.

"Jeez," Freddie sighed. "Thank God Quincy has a normal brain."

"Somewhat normal," Emma mumbled, still watching Quincy happily chugging the oyster juice.