Biochemistry

"Hey, when did you two get here?" Carly asked, coming downstairs and seeing Sam and Freddie in her living room. "It's only ten in the morning…Sam, shouldn't you still be asleep?"

"Eh, my mom woke me up using her new elliptical machine," Sam said, looking up from the desktop computer she was seated at on the Shay's countertop.

"Your mom started working out?" Carly said. "That's great!"

"Oh, I didn't say she was working out," Sam said.

"Well what else would she be doing on an elliptical machine?" Carly frowned.

"Trust me, you don't want to know," Freddie said from the couch, where he was scrolling along on his Pearpad.

Carly shuddered. "So what are you two doing?"

"Fredwad and I decided we wanted to do something fun tonight for our thirteen-month anniversary next week," Sam said. "So we've been looking up cool things to do in Seattle all morning to try and find something."

"Oh," Carly nodded. "Well, I'd offer you guys some advice but some of us have never been in a relationship for thirteen months, so I have no idea what you would even do during a thirteen-month anniversary. You know, lately it just feels that I'll never find that one guy who I'll-"

"Hey, I found something!" Sam exclaimed, interrupting Carly.

"Sure, I wasn't just spilling out my soul," Carly shrugged.

"Me too!" Freddie said. "Baby, this one is amazing. How would you like to spend our anniversary at the new Museum of Culture and Phenomenons?"

Sam blinked. "What?"

"Look, it says here that this museum offers over three hundred exhibits that show all sorts of amazing things from countries all over the world!" Freddie said.

"Okay, how do you think that's actually something I would want to do after dating me for over a year?" Sam said, rolling her eyes.

"Well think about how much it would help us with our history project at school!" Freddie said.

"Again, what makes you think-"

"Alright, well let's hear your suggestion," Freddie said, crossing his arms.

"Okay, well you know that waterpark off that highway?" Sam asked. "The one with the 200 foot slide and wave pool that can cause waves higher than buildings?"

"You mean the waterpark that got shut down because it didn't meet the state's safety code?" Freddie said.

"Yeah!" Sam nodded. "Well good news…they're reopening! We can spend our anniversary plunging headfirst off of the country's tallest, craziest waterslides!"

"Sam, you've been dating me for thirteen months and seriously think I would want to spend our anniversary dying?"

"You wouldn't die…probably," Sam said. "And it beats a lousy museum!"

"It does not!" Freddie snapped. "Museums are educational and stimulating and safe!"

"This waterpark is fun and unique and cool!" Sam retorted.

"Guys, guys!" Carly said before any further argument could erupt. "Look, you guys need to decide together where you want to go on your anniversary. You can't just keep arguing about it. If Sam doesn't want to go to the museum and Freddie doesn't want to go to the waterpark, then you need to just figure out a new place…wow, that was good advice. Too bad I don't have my own anniversary plans to use it on."

"Well I don't want to go anywhere other than that waterpark," Sam said stubbornly.

"Then I still want to go to the museum," Freddie said firmly.

"Well then you two better decide how to pick between the two," Carly said. "I guess you could flip a coin or draw straws or-"

"Or…" Sam said thoughtfully. "We could have a contest!"

"A contest?" Carly repeated

"Yeah, I like that contest idea," Freddie nodded. "What do you have in mind?"

"I'm thinking we sneak into the MMA arena, get some boxing gloves-"

"We are not going to fight, Sam!" Freddie said.

"Why, scared you'll lose?" Sam smirked.

"Yes!" Freddie exclaimed. "Why don't we just-Wait, I think I have an idea. Sam, you eat, what, roughly a million pounds of meat a week?"

"Where you going with this, Fredbutt?" Sam asked slowly.

"Well," Freddie said. "If you can go the whole week before our anniversary without eating a bite of meat…I'll go to the waterpark with you."

"What?" Sam cried. "Why do I have to give up meat? What about you?"

"Find something for me to give up for the week then," Freddie shrugged. "You know, if you can find a flaw in my character."

"Oh, you have your work cut out for you, Sam," Carly chuckled.

"I know," Sam beamed. "Where should I even begin?"

"Hey!" Freddie said indignantly.

"What about the his weird obsession with eating apples lately?" Carly suggested.

"Or his addiction to Galaxy Wars?" Sam said. "Or the weird way he says 'during'?"

"Okay, I say 'during' perfectly fine!" Freddie snapped.

"Or his lame shirts, those gross chai lattes he always gets, his stupid Spanish outbursts-"

"Do you have a list?" Freddie frowned.

"I got it!" Sam said, ignoring her boyfriend's comments. "You have to give up correcting people for a whole week!"

"Oh, that's a good one!" Carly nodded.
"What? I do not correct people!" Freddie exclaimed.

"Dude…yes you do," Sam said. "Last week you corrected Mr. Whales at least a dozen times during math class. For no good reason!"
"Well his method of finding the degrees in an angle on a triangle is completely absurd!" Freddie defended.

"And the other day you gave Spencer a whole lecture on why he was wrong about the paper towels he was buying," Carly pointed out.

"His were so flimsy!" Freddie said. "He'd have better luck wiping up spills with a grapefruit!"

"And remember that time you-"

"Okay, okay, I correct people once in awhile!" Freddie conceded. "But if I can last a whole week without doing that, we go to the museum for our anniversary. Sound fair, baby?"

Sam bit her lip. "Fine, I guess that's fair."

"Good," Freddie said, satisfied, holding out his hand. "Let's shake on it."

Sam stared at his hand for a moment before licking her own hand and shaking Freddie's.

"Strangely, that doesn't bother me as much as it used to," Freddie said. "Alright, well I guess now that that's settled, why don't we head down to the Groovy Smoothie?"

"Okay," Sam agreed. "You in, Carls?"

"Sure, Spencer used all the milk in his bath last night, so there's nothing here for me to eat for breakfast," Carly nodded.

"Oh wait, let me just grab some of that special bacon first," Sam said, starting towards the fridge.

"Um, Sam?" Freddie said. "Are you forgetting that bacon is a type of meat?"

"I-Oh," Sam frowned. "But-That starts now? Come on, can I just have one last piece of bacon? Please?"

"No!" Freddie said. "We had a deal, Sam, and it starts now! You eat that bacon and I win and we'll spend our anniversary at the museum learning all about-"

Sam cut him off as she pressed her lips to his.

"Please?" she said again sweetly, looking up at him. "For me?"

"I-Well alright," Freddie nodded, still in a daze from Sam's sneak attack. "We can start after you've had one last piece of bacon."

….

"I can't take this!" Sam snapped as she stormed into the studio a few days later. "I need ham! Steak! Meatballs!"

"Sam, it's only been four days," Carly pointed out.

"Four long, long days!" Sam moaned. "You know how much I want to sink my teeth into some fried chicken right now? Man, I don't know how much longer I can hold out. I'm gonna be stuck going to that stupid museum!"

"Come on, Freddie's just as much on the edge as you are," Carly reasoned. "I mean didn't you see him in school these past few days?"

"No, I've been too busy thinking about all the meat I haven't been eating!"

"Well him not being able to correct people has totally driven him insane," Carly said. "Today in our English class, Gibby confused Frankenstein with Dracula and I swear, blood was coming out his ears from biting his tongue."
"Sweet," Sam grinned. "I knew he's never be able to hold it together. But that doesn't help my meat cravings! If I don't get some soon, I'm going to explode! Do you know how many gross, disgusting salads I've eaten these past four days? More than I ever have my whole life!"

"Okay, well maybe you just need to think about something to take your mind off of meat," Carly suggested. "You can paint or do your homework or read a book-"

"Or," Sam said, a sly grin creeping onto her face. "I can sabatoge Freddie. I can tempt him to correct something so badly he'll cave in no time!"

"Sam," Carly sighed. "You guys agreed to have a nice, fair contest. You can't try and make Freddie lose on purpose. Do you think he would do that to you? Do you think he'd go and-"

She was interrupted as Freddie himself walked into the studio carrying a bucket of chicken.

"Afternoon, ladies," he said pleasantly as Sam tried not to jump up and grab that bucket of chicken. "Ready for a little iCarly action?"

"Okay, well, it looks like this nice, fair contest has turned dirty," Carly sighed.

"You-You hate Tub of Chicken!" Sam exclaimed, her mouth filling with saliva as she watched Freddie bite into a wing.

"Yeah, but I was just really wanting some of the best chicken in Seattle," Freddie said, waving the wing in front of Sam's face. "Hey, I bet if you kiss me…you can actually taste this delicious fried chicken."

"Y-Yeah," Sam said weakly. "I-I-bet you could-No! Nope, not happening, Fredward! I'm not losing this thing that easy!"

"Fine," Freddie smirked as Sam began to set up the green screen for the show. "But you know you'll give in way before me. Oh, hang on there Sam, you're setting up the screen wro-"

"What was that?" Sam asked, raising an eyebrow. "I'm setting up the screen wrong? Why Freddie, baby, that sounds like it would be a correction."

"I wonder what it's like to have normal friends," Carly said, shaking her head.

"I know, and that's something I don't do," Freddie said. "I was just going to say you were setting up the screen…um, perfectly. It-It's supposed to tilt like that."

"I think I did it even better than you, don't you think?" Sam grinned.

"Oh…yes, much better," Freddie said, pulling on a strained smile.

"Let's just start the show," Carly said, rolling her eyes.

"Right, right," Freddie said quickly, tossing Sam her remote. "In five, four, three, two…"

"I'm Carly!" Carly said loudly.

"And I'm Sam!" Sam grinned. "And this is-"

"iCarly!"

"Tonight we're going to show you guys what happens when you fill a pair of boxers with grape jelly!" Carly said. "Spoiler alert, it gets quite sticky."

"But first," Sam cut in. "We're going to show you a video of Gibby getting surprised while cleaning out his cat's litter box."

"Um, Sam?" Freddie said. "We're not showing that video until after-"

"What? What were you saying?" Sam asked. "Surely you weren't correcting me, right? Because, if you were, it'd be a one-way ticket down the Spine Squeezer Slide O'Furry."

"No, never," Freddie said. "Um, Carly? Do-Do you have anything to say about Sam's new schedule that deviates from the old schedule that I spent over an hour figuring out?"

"Please leave me out of this," Carly sighed.

"Fine!" Freddie said, picking up his tub of chicken again. "Then while we show the video, I'll stand here and enjoy my greasy, succulent chicken!"

"Enjoy your chicken all you want!" Sam snapped. "And while you do, I'll just recite all forty-six states in alphabetical order! Let's see, first there's California, Delaware, Detroit, Mississippi-"

"Oh, I'm so glad you're taking up an interest in geography!" Freddie said, a small vein on his forehead throbbing. "That's so great…almost as great as this chicken! Mmmm, meat!"

Carly took the camera and pointed it at herself. "While Sam and Freddie continue this pointless and very sad episode, please enjoy this prerecorded video of Spencer trying to intelligently flirt with a biochemistry student at the library."

Once she pulled up the video, she stepped in between her friends, who both looked like they were about to explode.

"Guys!" she said loudly. "Look, I get that you're both trying to get your way for your anniversary, but this is getting a little out of hand! Shouldn't you go somewhere on your anniversary that you would both have fun at anyway? So why don't you forget this silly contest and-"

"You know what would go great with this chicken? Some ribs!" Freddie said, ignoring Carly's speech. "And I'm going to go get some!"

"And while you do, let me tell you about the proper way to back up a hard drive!" Sam said, storming off after him out of the iCarly studio. "Step 1: delete all your files and-"

"You guys!" Carly yelled after them. "Guys, we're in the middle of a show! You can't just leave me-and they're gone. Nice!"

….

"One day left, Sam," Freddie said on the day before the couple's anniversary. "There's no way you're gonna make it. I can practically see the dancing steak bones in your head."

"Please, like you can go another second without correcting anybody," Sam sneered. "Trust me, I've got this way more than you do."

"Maybe," Freddie said simply, reaching into his bag and pulling out a beef jerky stick. "Or maybe I'll just sit here and enjoy some smoked jerky."

Sam narrowed her eyes as she tried to ignore her growling stomach. She pulled out a sheet of paper. "Yeah, well…why don't I start an outline for that history project we're doing together? What was it on, the French Revolution? That was the war with the Indians and the cowboys, right?"

"You know what would taste even better than this beef jerky?" Freddie snapped, reaching into his bag again. "Pork rinds!"

Sam clenched her fists. "Well…Hey, I have an idea! For our project why don't we use finger puppets for the presentation instead of writing the twelve-page paper?"

"Oh look, I have ham!" Freddie yelled, grabbing another container from his bag. "Tasty, tasty ham!"

"What about writing our entire report in pink gel pen?" Sam cried. "That won't effect the final grade at all, will it?"

A silence befell the two, and for a moment, nobody moved. And then finally, at the same time, Sam and Freddie both screamed, "Give me that!"

Freddie yanked the paper Sam had been writing on out of her hands and Sam snatched Freddie's ham.

As Sam began devouring the meat, Freddie anxiously began crossing out and correcting Sam's work.

"What is going on in here?" Carly demanded, bursting in through the front door of the apartment. "I can here you two all the way down the hall!"

But Sam and Freddie paid her not attention as Sam continued to shovel the ham into her mouth and Freddie muttered corrections under his breath.

"Guys!" Carly said again. "You guys! Oh for crying out loud…"

She reached into her bag and pulled out a small whistle and blew it loudly, causing Sam and Freddie to both jump.

"What are you guys doing?" she exclaimed.

"Freddie lost the contest!" Sam announced, her mouth still filled. "I win!"

"You do not! You lost!" Freddie countered. "I win!"

"No you don't!"

"Well you sure don't!"

"Oh yes I do!"

"Please, I caved after you caved!"

"No! You caved before-"

"Enough!" Carly cried, silencing the two once again. "It was a tie! Both of you have completely lost it this week, so I'm calling it a tie!"

"But she-"

"He didn't-"

"A tie!" Carly said firmly. "Now, why don't you two act like people and pull yourselves away from your meat and your obsessive correcting and figure out what you're going to do for your anniversary. And nobody is going to any deadly waterparks or boring museums!"

"But-"

"Why can't-"

"Do it!" Carly yelled. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go take a bubble bath and try to relax! You know, most people can walk into their own homes without their blood pressure skyrocketing!"

Sam and Freddie watched Carly disappear upstairs.

"So…" Freddie said, looking over at his girlfriend. "Dinner and a movie then?"

"Why not?" Sam nodded. She took another bite of the ham. "Oh man, how did I survive for so long without this?"

"I don't know how my brain managed not to burst into flames," Freddie said, staring happily down at all the corrections he had made. "But, you know…I totally would've lasted longer than you if you hadn't been purposefully trying to make me lose."

"Yeah right! I would've lasted longer than you and you know it!" Sam smirked.

Freddie raised an eyebrow. "New contest?"

"You know it, baby."