[Author's Note: {looks at guest reviews} … Okay, so that happened. Anyways, to answer Galer's question, yeah. I'm pretty insane when it comes to writing crackfics. If you look at my profile, you'll see that this isn't my first crackfic genre parody. I had written a few more, such as Pooh's Adventures of Façade and Sleeping Blooper. I will say, though, this is probably the most cracky parody I have ever written.]


Midori was so excited to go to Beacon!

"No, I wasn't!"

Nobody asked you. And the fact that his childhood friend, Ruby Rose, was going with him-

"I barely know her!"

Nobody asked you. Midori noticed Ruby was frowning.

"Um… You okay, Ruby?" Midori asked.

"… This is just too fast, you know? I mean, entering Beacon at the age of sixteen? People are gonna think I'm special or something."

Well, you are the (supposed) protagonist, so, spoiler alert, you're special. You'd think you'd note that when Ozpin marveled at your Silver Eyes.

"I thought he was legit hitting on me!" Ruby squealed like a piggy.

"Well, you're normal in my books. I'm twenty-five and I've somehow gotten myself in Beacon as well." Midori said.

"Well, people will think you're special too." Ruby frowned.

"That's okay. I can be special with you." Aaaaaw…

"No, I mean as in they'll think you have special needs and were held back so many grades that by the time you've entered Beacon, you're five years older than everyone else." Ruby said. Ooooh.

"Hey, don't feel bad! If it makes you feel any better, I love making puns and that's apparently a sign of brain damage!" There's a brief pause. "Seriously, look it up."

"… That just upsets me more. I'm gonna just walk away for a bit and hopefully come across an exposition dump." Midori said.

"Well, you're in RWBY. Everything is an exposition dump. Even what I say is an exposition dump." Yang said. Midori walked until he came across a TV screen.

"In other news, police are reporting numerous disappearances. Evidence points to Roman Torchwick being the prime cause of these strange cases of pixelating bodies." The chubby news reporter said.

"Wait, disappearances? Pixelating? Does that mean Game Disease exists in this world?" Midori muttered.

Well, it kinda had to be to justify why you're able to use the Buggle Driver Drei.

"Wait, Drei? I thought it was Zwei."

Yeah, but one, there's already a character in this show called Zwei, and two, I said it was a new version of the Buggle Driver, so it's Drei.

"Ah, okay." Midori said.

"In other news, the Kemono Friends convention was interrupted by the White Fang-" Suddenly, the news feed cut out in favor of Poppy appearing on screen.

"POPPY PIPOPAPO! Literally no one cares about the Faunus subplot!"

"B-but I was kinda curious about that whole White Fang thing…" Midori frowned.

"NO ONE CARES! LET'S GO TO BEACON!"


Midori stepped foot onto the shining Beacon with Ruby and Yang. Ruby looked at all the cool weapons and began to gush about each of them while Midori just blinked. Ruby then went to Midori and looked with her sparkling eyes.

"I'm curious! What's your weapon!" Ruby asked.

"Well… I have this." Midori then showed her the Bugvisor Drei. It was mostly black with a red chainsaw and two red blaster barrels on separate ends.

"… Wow, how boring." Ruby drooped her eyes and just stared at it.

W-What?! No! You should be excited over this! It's so freaking cool!

"It's just a Gameboy with a chainsaw attached to it. It's not revolutionary at all. I did that as a pet project at Signal. Seriously, step up, fam." Ruby then unveiled her Scythe.

"Wait, we're introducing our weapons now!?" Shouted Jaune Arc who we should ignore completely.

"Well, good to know you guys are becoming good friends. I'm gonna go hang out with these shadowy men that I'll never hang out with again despite me implying that they're friends of mine! BYYYYYYYE!" And with that, Yang left.

"Well… That happened." Midori said. Suddenly, a girl bumped into him.

"Do you freaking mind!? Gah! Stupid idiots." It was Weiss Schee, heiress to the Schee Dust Company. And she had decided to wave fire dust like a fucking idiot at Ruby, causing her to sneeze fire and burned Weiss alive. Wait, what?

Weiss was now a charred corpse… WHAT!? Wait until Volume 3 to do the grimderp shit, okay!? Screw it, Omega 13.

Thirteen Seconds Earlier…

"Do you freaking mind!? Gah! Stupid idiots." It was Weiss Schee, heiress to the Schee Dust Company.

"Wow, you're a bitch." Midori said to Weiss.

But, you can't help but notice how beautiful she was…

"Dude, she very rude and I doubt she has any interests in me."

But she's going to warm up to you very soon after you do something chivalrous.

"Why would I do that?" Weiss raised an eyebrow. "Plus, aren't you a little old to be attending Beacon?"

"Actually, this is a community college." Suddenly, a tall, dark (but not actually black because this isn't Tumblr), and beautiful girl with a cute bow that somehow is able to hide cat ears walked into Midori's view. "As for the young girl, she seemed to have graduated Signal early." Blake said. Ruby just blinked.

"Aaah!" Ruby squeaked as Weiss just looked intensely at her, White Rose shippers readying their pencils to draw fanart of this scene.

"Really? They let a kid into Beacon? I expected much more out of such a prestigious school!" Weiss pouted and looked away.

"H-hey! We didn't ask to go to Beacon!" Midori stomped his food down.

"W-well, I did…" Ruby meekly whispered.

"And just who are you?" Weiss stared.

"I'm apparently Ruby's friend and as her new friend, I'm suddenly having the need to call you out." Midori said.

"Oh, yeah? Well, why don't you call me out in style?" With that, Weiss whipped out her rapier. Midori gulped. Before he could ready the Bugvisor, however, Poppy rushed in.

"NO FIGHTING, PIPOPAPO!" Poppy shouted.

"Ah, because we're on school grounds and are only permitted to spar in the arena, right?" Weiss asked.

"No, because a fight scene takes way too much effort to make!" Poppy explained.

"… Well, you win this round, but I'll be back!" Weiss stomped away.

"… Ooookay…" Ruby then turned to Blake. "Thanks for-" But she ran. "Wow, rude." Get used to it, she'll be doing that a lot. Ruby sighed… "Welcome to Beacon." That's next season, hon.

Suddenly, a pussy ass motherfucker with short blonde hair and blue eyes approached Ruby. Midori suddenly felt the urge to murder his useless ass.

"Why!?"

Because he is encroaching on your woman!

"Ruby isn't my girlfriend though!"

SHE WILL BE!

"Um… Hey! Why don't we walk around a bit?" Ruby said. Nice save.

"O-okay." Midori agreed. The three began to walk around as Jaune introduced his weapon, a sword and shield.

"So yeah, grandad used it in the war. And I wanna be just like him." Jaune said. But don't believe him. He's not gonna put in the effort.

"So… Yeah." Ruby smiled.

SEE YOU NEXT GA-

Wait, why the hell are we ending it here?

"Because that's where the episode ends."

What the hell!? But it just ends so suddenly!

"It's a two parter."

Okay, where's part two to this then?

"It'll come out in a week."

WHAT THE ACTUAL FU-

SEE YOU NEXT GAME!


[Author's Note: Seriously though, those two-part episodes in RWBY Volume 1 really killed the pacing and made me drop RWBY until I picked it back up during Volume 3]