Chapter Five

Severus spent the next two days confined to his room, much in the same manner before Lily had returned. It was easier to delude himself by thinking she was still away. When he became especially restless in his loneliness, he was almost tempted to go to her house and apologize for his behavior a few days ago... almost. His pride kept him restrained.

Severus wondered if Lily might come to him first. Hadn't she been too quick to judge, after all? She had barely given him a chance to explain his rotten mood. Of course, he'd held back, too ashamed to tell her the truth, but she was Lily... Did she think he wouldn't tell her at all?

He was pacing his room as he was wont to do, and in his growing frustration, Severus kicked the wall. Thankfully, his father was at work today. He didn't care if it would get him in trouble; if his father dared bother him again, Severus probably would have hexed him.

Why was Lily acting so immature? he thought for the hundredth time.

Scowling, he stopped pacing. He knew the answer to that question. She was sixteen. He was, at least mentally, thirty-eight. His memories of her had been from when he'd been much younger. A part of him knew he hadn't acted very mature, either, but again, his damned pride wouldn't let him admit that to her and apologize.

His stomach suddenly growled loudly, and Severus realized he had hardly eaten anything the past couple of days. In fact, he had let himself go... He knew he probably smelled, too. No shower, next to no food, and hardly any sleep. He was quite a wreck.

Sighing, Severus went to the door and proceeded downstairs to the kitchen. He found his mother seated at the table, staring blankly at the surface. No plate of food or mug of coffee or newspaper or book sat in front of her. She was just looking at... nothing.

"Mum?" ventured Severus.

Eileen didn't respond. She didn't even acknowledge the presence of another individual in the room, let alone her son. Had she truly grown so numb to the external world?

A pang of guilt suffused Severus. In his other life, while he had been concerned about his mother when he was a child, the older he had gotten, the less he could be bothered to care about her. He had closed himself in, feeling sorry mostly for himself, and refusing to submit the smallest amount of compassion on another person, with the exception of Lily... until he had pushed her away as well. His mother had become a messy spot on the wall, a wall which he'd pushed to the background and built several walls in front, separating himself from the reality of the pain, too embarrassed, too prideful, too weak to confront it.

Now, seeing his mother in this dire state, Severus realized he had neglected her just as much as she had neglected him. She hadn't been much of a mother in his teen years, but he remembered fondly, and sadly, that she had once loved him. As a child, she had done what she could to protect him from Tobias. She had been kind to him.

Forgetting his hunger, Severus went to his mother and reached for her hand with his own. "Mother," he implored. "Will you not even look at your son?"

Severus thought he saw the smallest flicker of life in her dark eyes, eyes so much like his own. Her long black hair hung limply around her thin face, as if she was trying to hide. Severus felt he could understand her by her facial features and composure alone. He had inherited not only many of her physical characteristics, but he knew what it was to be forced to the point of unfeeling. He knew, however, that no matter how stoic and closed he could be to the rest of the world, his feelings was buried deep within. He knew his mother had to be alive inside somewhere... somewhere hidden.

Then, a tear trickled down Eileen's cheek. Her face didn't betray any feeling, however. Severus felt the weight of her suffering, the tear like a torrential downpouring of affliction meant to drown them.

"Mum, please," Severus nearly begged, trying to keep his voice from breaking. He brought his other hand to her face and forced her to look at him.

"Severus," Eileen whispered, her thin lips hardly moving.

"Yes, Mum, that's right. It's your son, Severus."

Eileen didn't say anything.

"Listen to me, Mum. You've got to snap out of this," Severus said. He paused, thinking what he could possibly say to help. "What's he done to you?"

Severus thought he saw something register in his eyes again. "Tobias?" she croaked, her vocal chords out of use.

"Yes, him," Severus said contemptuously. "He's ruined you, Mum, and you know it. Why do you stay with him? He's destroying himself and his family. He's supposed to have a responsibility to us, but he's throwing his money and time away on drink... and I know he beats you. He's already taken any your wand so you can't do magic. He's taking away your sanity now... He's taking you away, Mum. Why do you let him do it?"

The anguish on Eileen's face was evident as she contorted it as if in pain and withdrew her hand from her son's. "He's my husband, Severus," she said softly. "He can't help it... He's got a problem. He..." She stopped, but when she resumed, she spoke more harshly, her defensiveness increasing, "I love him, Severus. How- how could you- ?"

Feeling betrayed, Severus stated hurtfully, "You love him? And you think he honestly loves you?" he spat, standing to his full height, towering over her. "No man who acts like him deserves any respect, and yet you let him control you like a puppet. What have you become, Mother? What's he done to you?" Severus's voice was breaking again, but he refused to cry. "You... you could leave him, you know... We could both leave. Come on, Mum, what's holding us back? Let's leave before-" Before it's too late.

Eileen was staring at the wall now. What life had been in her eyes moments ago was gone. Severus sighed in defeat, knowing she was already too far gone. Some things, it seemed, were impossible to change. Resigning himself to another smack of reality to his face, Severus returned to his room, his hunger forgotten, but his mind whirling with thoughts about the cruel way of things.

x x x x x

He wasn't sure how he managed it, but Severus endured five more days of complete isolation before he finally gave in and went to talk with Lily. Before he left his room, he glanced at his unkempt appearance in the mirror. Had he been in a good mood, he would have cared enough to shower and change his clothes, but dirty looks from the neighbors were the least of his worries as he walked down the street toward her house.

Lily lived in the nicest part of the neighborhood, which was several blocks from his home. The Snapes lived in the dumpiest part, as Petunia had rudely pointed out on several occasions. When he turned onto Lily's street, he knew he stood out even more than he would have on the other streets. Everyone had green, pruned lawns and big, clean houses on Webber St.

Severus found the Evans house and stopped at the bottom of the driveway. Mr. Evans would be at work at this time, and it looked like Mrs. Evans's car was absent from the driveway as well.

As Severus strode up the driveway to the house, he thought, At least her parents won't be around.

He was now standing on the front porch. With some hesitation, he pressed the doorbell. It rang, and a few seconds later, he heard footsteps approaching the door. Holding his breath, he hoped it would be Lily and not her infernal sister, Petunia.

No such luck. Petunia's horselike face was staring at him, frowning deeply. "What are you doing here?" she asked distastefully.

"I'm here to see Lily," Severus replied, trying to keep his voice even.

"Well, she doesn't want to see you," Petunia said nastily. "What did you do to her this time? Whatever it was, you've really pressed the wrong buttons."

"Look," Severus said firmly, "I'm not interested in playing a game of trading insults with you, Petunia. I need to see Lily... now."

He was about to forcefully shove his way past Petunia when Lily's voice came from within the house. "Petunia, who is it? Who's at the door?"

"No one," Petunia said nonchalantly.

"I don't believe you," Lily said with a hint of impatience in her voice. Lily came to stand next to Petunia. Her green eyes widened slightly in surprise upon seeing Severus.

"Like I told you," Petunia sneered, "no one."

"Oh, shut up, Petunia," Lily said, rolling her eyes.

Petunia left with a huff of indignance, leaving Lily staring back at Severus with raised eyebrows. "Well," she said, "did you want something, Severus?"

Noticing that she had used his full name, which she rarely did, Severus inwardly sighed. She was still mad at him, then. Even Petunia was no longer "Tuney," although Severus had thought the nickname to be childish, anyway.

"Yes," Severus said stiffly, feeling defensive. "I came to... to apologize."

If Lily's eyebrows could have gone any farther up her forehead, they would have disappeared into her hairline. "Really?" she asked sardonically. "You don't sound very sorry."

Severus was about to turn away, figuring it had been a mistake to come here. He'd been wondering all week if it had been a colossal mistake to relive his life. Who was he fooling but himself by thinking he could change anything? Withholding one mere word, even if it was something as foul as "Mudblood," couldn't possibly change the outcome of his life. Severus knew life wasn't that simple, but he'd thought that was the point when everything had gone downhill. He knew he would have to work hard and make better choices in this new life if he expected it to be better. Things didn't just fall into place.

As Severus gazed into her green eyes, however, he remembered seeing Harry's eyes just before dying. Strange, but that other life seemed foreign and distant now. There was no Harry Potter in this world.

"Please try to understand," Severus insisted. "I didn't want to talk about what was bothering me that day because, because... it's nothing new, all right? You already know my parents used to fight all the time, and things are worse now. I don't like talking about my life at home."

Lily's expression softened a little as she stepped out of the house and onto the porch. She examined Severus's disheveled, dirty appearance, unable to refrain from wrinkling her nose.

"When's the last time you showered?" she bluntly asked. She smiled just the smallest bit.

Severus's mouth twitched a little on one side. "You probably don't want to know," he said wryly.

Lily reached for his hand and led him to the rocker the Evanses had on their front porch. They sat down, side by side, and Lily said, "You know, if you would have come an hour after what happened that day, I would have talked with you. Why did you wait so long?"

"I'm sorry, Lily. I kept hoping you would come to me. I didn't want to be the first to admit defeat, I guess."

"It's not about admitting defeat, Sev," Lily said softly. "You make it sound like I'd never talk to you again."

"Well, I... I didn't know," he murmured.

"Really, Sev," she said in earnest. "What could you ever do to make me stop being your friend?"

I can think of a few things.

He didn't answer that question. He didn't want to. Lily hadn't said in words that she'd forgiven him, and while a part of him wanted to hold on to the fact that she should have apologized for leaving him alone that day, he didn't want to throw away his friendship over what had been a misunderstanding. He knew he was a difficult person to get along with, and with Lily at his side, he felt forgivenness didn't need to be spoken.

For now, at least, this was enough.